by Sunniva Dee
Time. Steps, stairs. Minutes, seconds, her.
I’m imploding. I need to reach the Bag Room before it’s too late. The world is obstacles, and the shield holding me in is too fucking thin.
I dropped Kat off at her place. Doors haven’t opened at Smother yet, but I give a small nod to Christian, the only one already in-house, and push upstairs to my apartment. I use the key. I hope it’s locked, that she’s not in. Pointless wish—the door swings open.
Her irises turn indigo with concern as she drinks my panic through the cracks of my composure. “Leon. Sweetie?”
I want to stalk past her, but I can’t shove her out of the way; she’s ripe with my baby and loving me hard. I cup Arriane’s face with hands that tremble. The madness pounds to get out, and I drill my need into her soul, stare to stare, beseeching of her, “Let me past.”
Too slow.
Too late.
“Leon!” she cries as I succeed, bypass her into my sanctuary, and slam on my hell, letting it wail through the speakers while I rip my clothes off, everything, leaving no thread to disguise lunacy.
Howls from devils shake the walls as I lose my wits to the demons that were my father’s. I own them now, finally I inherit them all the way.
God! Why is this happening!
I grab a punching bag, draw strength from insanity to hurl it against the mirrors, splintering the reflection of evil—of me—one bright eye, disheveled hair, naked muscle for each silvery shard.
The heavy-bag absorbs a punch, two, three, before fury defeats me and I heave this target against the wall as well. It’s not enough. I’m erupting. The energy needs release. I fly into jump twists, killing, obliterating invisible opponents in deadly butterflies, tornado kicks, and aerials.
And fuck me if she doesn’t fucking enter. I’m in here, and I’ve lost my mind to the dread of being my father, and she—she—the one I protect, stands there round and scared under the arc of the door, defenseless in my storm.
“Leave!” I roar through the death from my stereo, but she shakes her head, not listening, eyes so beautifully wide. The choir of devils thickens and thuds around us, crowding her like a physical entity. She’s innocent, carrying someone more innocent with her, and I—
Leap over. Choke the music.
I stare at her, but my brain isn’t with me. I’m naked, cock warrior-erect and ready to dominate, and her fingers quiver as they cover her mouth. In three strides, I’m with her, grabbing her arms. Shaking them, I grind out one word at a time.
“Why. Did. You. Enter?”
“Because I love you,” she whispers.
No. I can’t let her become—
Mom!
From within smoggy thoughts, I shout, “Arria! We’re not working out!”
“Sweetie…”
My chin trembles, teasing saltwater from my ducts. But I stop it, don’t allow it. “Why do you live with me? Baby, don’t you see who I am? I can never be what you need!”
Arriane doesn’t remind me that I urged her to move in. Her gaze flicks to a stack of bath towels on a small shelf. She unfolds one, and tries to tuck it around my waist.
I yank it from her and let it drop to the ground before I kiss her. My mouth is rough, opening hers and craving tongue.
“What happened at the hospital?” she manages while I jerk her dress up until it rests over her belly. Arriane doesn’t object. Soft and pliable, she lets me.
“My father happened,” I snarl, pulling her panties to a side and finding welcoming warmth. “Why do you accept me?”
My girl has no answer. I withdraw my hand, feeding her two damp fingers and making her gasp.
I tug her with me past the rubber mat to the gym wall bars. My pace is unexpected, causing her to stumble. Even in my darkness, I’m aware. I’m not careful, but what I do, she can take.
I shove her face sideways into the bars, her belly pressing against them. She sighs a scared, pretty sigh when I let my fingers back in, fucking her with them. I’m not slow, measured, no—I’m fast and hard, and she whimpers.
“Leave,” I growl.
“No…”
“You don’t like me like this!”
“I love you.”
Fuck!
Abruptly, I pull out and replace my hand with my dick. It’s raging and desperate, wanting to hurt her—make her cry out in lust and pain. My thoughts race through my father’s descent into monsterdom. That could be me—that is me—look at me! I’ve loved no one like Arriane, and yet I do this. How far is it from this to needing her as controlled as I keep my club? When will I become as jealous as my father?
When will I break her!
We’re pointless.
I used to have it right. My way—my broken-dolls—were what worked.
Laughter rumbles up my throat, and it sounds like a fucking sob. Arriane’s stuck her ass out against me. She tightens, welcoming every pump. I love her.
“I love you, Arria. The baby.”
“I love you.”
Arriane is still asleep when I call a meeting with Christian. I’m off the phone with Ralph, the manager at Choice, and this is for the best; I’ve got to physically remove myself from my father’s influence and from what I do to Arria. My dad can lie there, putrefying his surroundings like pestilence all he wants, as long as I’m beyond his reach.
I soak in Arriane one more time before I leave to meet up with Christian.
“Listen,” I tell him at the coffee shop around the corner. “Something has come up at Choice, and I need to be there full time for a while. You’re my man—you’ll be in charge at Smother—but I’m asking more of you than that.”
“Sir.” Christian’s gaze meets mine, ready over the brimming coffee.
“I’m leaving Arriane here.” I don’t owe him an explanation, but employees work better within framework they understand. “Here, she’s close to her obstetrician and near the hospital if she has a scare.” A protective flutter in my chest rebels against my decision. I subdue it. “I’d trust you to watch over her as if she were yours. Your salary will be doubled in my absence, of course. Is this something you can take on?”
Christian isn’t surprised by my generous offer. After his years with me, he knows it’s how I run my business. I’m frugal and cut corners everywhere else, but with my employees and my customers, I don’t mess around. I need them happy and a hundred and fifty percent loyal to the bar and me.
“Absolutely, boss.”
My next stop is Kat’s place.
Ingela’s tousled head surfaces in the doorway. Her eyes widen when she sees me this early in the morning, and without a word to me, she turns and shrieks so loudly that my eardrums vibrate. “Katsu! Leon’s here!”
She steps aside. Bare feet and a knee-long, white T-shirt is all she wears. I look away from the nipples teasing through the fabric.
“My sister still asleep?”
“Ja, it’s, like freaking eight,” she informs me. “You want something to drink? I can make you Swedish coffee.”
“No, thanks. Swedish coffee is different from our coffee?” I ask while I wait for Kat.
She shakes her head, smirking. “Of course not! It’s exactly the same as here.” Which in my mind forfeits her original point of offering Swedish coffee.
“So… you buy it for the packaging?” Girls.
“Not at all.” She sniffs, starting to reconsider her supervisor’s intelligence, I can tell.
“Why do you get Swedish coffee, then, Ingela?” I finally ask the obvious.
“Because I can.” She shrugs. “All you have to do is order it online and pay extra for shipping. Oh-oh! It could be Smother’s signature coffee!”
Jesus.
Katsu’s toweling off her hair. Brows lowered, she’s studying me as she enters the kitchen. “Arriane okay?” is her first question, and I love her for that. After yesterday’s visit to our father’s, I expected her to ask about my wellbeing.
“Yeah, she’s in bed still. We need to talk, Sis.�
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Ingela leans against the counter, unaffected by her own braless attire. Her eyes teeter between the two of us, curious. The girl has no plans of leaving us alone.
“Go for a walk?” I suggest to my sister, and Ingela groans with disappointment.
We stroll the park downtown one slow foot at a time. I need to do this, now, before I leave, and I cut straight to the essence.
“Sis, can you move into my apartment above Smother again?” Her espresso eyes snap to my face, trying to read more.
“Why? What’s going on? Is Arria returning to Ingela?”
“No, she’s not. I’m moving to Talco for a bit to take care of the club there.”
“And she’s staying in Deepsilver?”
I nod once.
“Bullshit!” Kat whips out, causing an old man with an overgrown mutt to stare at us on his way past. “Who the hell are you? My brother would never disappear the last minute before his girlfriend has his child.”
“Will you listen?” I’d expected nothing less from my sister. Her sense of right and wrong is overdeveloped. I have to make her understand where I come from. It’s time to be deadly honest with someone other than myself.
“I am Dad, Kat.”
“No, you’re not. You’re kind, caring, everyone loves you—look at your employees, at Arriane—”
“No, I am Dad with Arria.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “You don’t beat her.”
“I know, but I so easily could. Last night when Dad said he wanted to hurt Mom the way she hurt him by not obeying his wishes? That’s when I realized it’s only a matter of time before I’m him in every way. Whenever I lose my shit like last night, I’m rough with her, Kat.”
“You said you don’t hit her…”
“In bed.”
She shuts her eyes, cringing from the knowledge. She doesn’t reply until she’s composed herself.
“I knew you were different,” she mumbles, and I should be surprised at her admission. Smother is a rumor mill, though. She blows out pent-up air. “But does she… like it your way too?”
Her shyness is cute. Then again, I am her big brother, and we’re discussing my sex life. I understand. “She’s not into my kinks, Kat. With her, I’m vanilla, except for when I’m upset, which is often lately with Dad in the fucking picture again. She accepts me in any way I am, and the guilt is killing me.”
I stop and turn to my sister, making sure she meets my gaze when I continue. “Kat, I’ve been so selfish. I can’t drag her down with me. The baby, her—she isn’t well either. I’ve talked with Christian, who’ll run the bar while I’m in Talco. He’ll keep a close eye on Arria, but I’d like the reassurance of knowing you live with her and take care of her in my absence. It feels crazy to leave, but I’ve got to get in control of myself, and around Dad that’s impossible.”
“Are you two breaking up?” Kat asks plain and clear the question I’ve avoided.
“She probably doesn’t want me after our agreement is over anyway, so it’s not an issue.”
“You didn’t answer. What if she stopped her chicken-shit tendencies and actually realized that she has an amazing boyfriend and father in you?”
“Shut up, Kat. Did you not hear me? That’s exactly the problem—I am not any of that. I’m an asshole like our dad! I’ll end up being a jealous prick, beating her, scaring the shit out of both Arriane and my son, and then I’ll do things to hurt her the way Dad did to Mom. I. Am. Dad.”
“No, you’re nothing like Dad. God, Shishi, I have no idea how he grew up, what or who made him who he is, and frankly I don’t give a damn. But we’ve both had Mom in our lives. She’s caring, loving, beautiful inside and out, and there’s no freaking way that hasn’t rubbed off on us. You had her for seven years, Shishi, before she left! Then, you had your karate. You couldn’t possibly become Dad.”
I shake my head at her, my little sister. She doesn’t see my ugly heart. “You have no idea, Kat.” I smile ruefully. “I regret taking my chances with Arria in the first place. I shouldn’t have insisted. I should have treated the pregnancy as a business deal, choked my attraction to her. Called my lawyer and drawn up the papers for her and the baby to have what they needed from hereon and into eternity. I’ve made up my mind. This is what I’m doing.”
Katsu is getting frustrated. “That, Shishi—as cold as you try to appear right now—shows the person you are. Sure, the sperm donor claims he wanted to protect Mom, but guess what? He didn’t. After he lost his job, he didn’t even try anymore, and you’re not him! You’re generous, fighting for those you love. She’s lucky, you know that? Arria might not be aware exactly how lucky she is, but very few people have someone like you, and I hope to God I find a boyfriend who can be what you are to her.”
She’s breathing hard, staring me down. My itty-bitty princess. Look how she turned out. So righteous, willful, and… dear. I’m grinning. I stroke her hair against her wrath with me.
“Why do I even need to tell you this? You’re a chicken shit, Shishi. Running away from your future is what you’re doing, right when things are getting better.”
She’s wrong. Nothing is getting better. “Kat. Tell me I can count on you. Will you live with Arriane while I am gone?”
She growls, hiding her face in cupped hands. Finally, she looks up, past me, and in between the oak trees.
“Always.”
I’m here to pick up the pieces after he left. To not scare Arriane, I only bring two suitcases with me. Leon gave me the spare key back, so she doesn’t have to get up when I enter. She’s at the dinner table, knees tucked together, heels jutting outside the chair legs.
“Hey…” I breathe out, taking in her shattered form.
“He left,” she says against trembling fingertips.
“He had to, honey,” I lie. “Choice really needed him.”
“So why didn’t he ask me to come along?” Her eyes sparkle with tears over short, natural nails. “It’s my hometown, Kat. My mom lives there.”
Thanks, brother, for making it easy for me.
“What did he say?” I ask, buying time. Leon bared his soul to me this morning, but how much did he hold back from her?
Her lip quivers between her fingers. “That Choice isn’t running well. I told him I’d accompany him, help him straighten things out. He just insisted I’m safer here in my state.”
“Because he worries about you and the baby,” I say, buying time again.
Arria drags in a long sniff and glances out from beneath her hair. “Katsu, this is more than Choice needing help. It must be about your dad. Leon didn’t tell me what happened last night when you visited, but he went crazy after he came home. This morning, he got up early and disappeared without waking me up. Next thing, he’s back and packing for the trip to Choice.”
I bite my lip, considering as I offer her the rest of the coffee in the carafe. She shakes her head no, and I pour it for myself, adding sweet cream. I take a sip, grimacing. Decaf. It’s what Leon wants her to drink now, with the baby.
Again, I think of how similar Shishi and his girlfriend are deep down. Strong and independent, they’re both scared to death of giving up their independence and being vulnerable to the one person they love most. Now, Leon has fled at a moment when she’s ready to struggle for their relationship.
Damn, it’s hard to keep them together.
Over the last months, Arriane and I have talked. In this she differs from my brother. She doesn’t brush me off, calling it “head-trip mumbo jumbo.” Arriane comprehends on an instinctive level that a person’s past influences their actions.
“Okay, Arria. This is between you and me since he hasn’t openly told you. He thinks he’s no better than our father. Leon is afraid he’ll end up hurting the two of you.”
“I figured,” she mumbles. “Once you know what to look for, Leon isn’t so unreadable. Why did he tip over yesterday, though? I haven’t seen him that bad before, not even last New Year’s Eve.”
&nb
sp; I swallow. I can explain without crying. Hell, I don’t even remember my infant days. “Dad told us why he kidnapped me from our mother when I was so little I was still on breast milk. It was his punishment for Mom not letting him control her.”
Arria is quiet for an instant. Then, she says, “Leon would never be that cruel.”
“He’s sure that he’s Dad. No matter what I say, he’s scared of what the future will turn him into.”
Arriane laughs quietly. The creamer has cooled the coffee, so I suck in another weak mouthful.
“It’s exactly what I said to him before. Because of the baby, I didn’t want to take any chances on who he could become around us.”
“Right. Sometimes, you are too alike.”
“Can I meet him?” Arriane asks suddenly.
“Who, the sperm donor?”
“Yeah. I’ve got this picture in my head, and I’m not sure it’s who he is. Maybe it’s easier to help Leon if…” She trails off, unsure.
“I’d take you to the freaking moon if it helped my brother.”
Who is this man who destroys my always-love? Katsu and I are on our way to the hospital. I hope this can keep me from grieving Leon as if he were dead.
It’s strange how far we’ve come over the last months. For years, I was desperately lost in love with my boss, but I was no nearer, no further away from him on my weekend stays at my mother’s in Talco than I was at the club on work days. Before the New Year’s incident, Leon never had as much as a glint of interest in his eyes. When he spoke to me, it was with personable yet professional concern for a cherished employee. I was no different from the other staff.
Now, I have so much more to miss. My intense, all-encompassing lover. Leon is so very gone from my life in Deepsilver, the faint scent of woodsy cologne and wrongness is all that lingers of him at the apartment. Yes, my brain still knows he’s wrong, but my heart doesn’t give a damn. Because it intuits irreparable heartbreak, and it’s ready to do whatever it takes to keep it from invading me.
My mother. She’s been so outspoken about me running this show without him. Be a single mom with great support from my family. She reminds me of the last years with our own father in the house, of how sad we were when he finally moved back to India. And suddenly, it hits me how Leon and I make this all about our parents’ issues.