by Sarah Price
Daniel would try to visit with her but she seemed to either be busy with chores or upstairs resting. The change in her bothered him and he began to blame himself, although he wasn’t certain why. What could he possibly have done that had offended or upset her so much? Had his brush with violence frightened her? Perhaps she was disappointed in the fact that he had not demonstrated proper self-control. But, he told himself, surely one bad incident wouldn’t outweigh all of the others. After all, they had so many good visits with each other over the past few weeks and the events at the festival hadn’t necessarily been of his making.
In the early mornings and evenings, Daniel found himself wanting to confide in his older brother. Yet, his shyness about the situation was as strong as the culture among the Amish to protect the privacy of such relationships. Without having experienced courting before, never mind ups and downs associated with courtship, Daniel felt as though he was alone, on his own, and fending for himself to figure out the problem and identify a solution. But his younger brothers were always nearby, never giving Daniel the opportunity to seek Junior’s advice without the chance of David and Samuel overhearing.
Without guidance, Daniel found himself distracted and sullen. Something had happened and he simply didn’t understand what it was. What had upset her? How could she relate that unpleasant situation to her mother’s death? He simply didn’t understand. Repeatedly, he replayed the situation in his mind, trying to figure out if she was upset with him or something else. But he never found the answer and, deep down, he knew that only one person could answer his questions.
So, distracted and quiet, Daniel went about his chores. During the early milking, he would pat the cows on the rumps and get to work milking their swollen udders. But his mind was elsewhere and, on more than one occasion, he’d stop milking and stare into the distance. The cow would bellow, trying to turn her head to look at him and stamp her back legs in anticipation.
“Ach, sorry there girl,” he whispered and got back to work, his head pressed against the side of the cow and his hands working at her udders.
They had just finished the milking and set the cows out to pasture when Lillian came into the barn. Her feet were bare and dirty but her face shone brightly on a beautiful summer day. “Come for breakfast when you finish,” she said. She smiled at her father-in-law. “I already told Katie and she’s there helping with the cooking.”
Jonas raised an eyebrow but nodded in consent. “Sounds right nice. Be good to be around some chipper folks for a change.” He glanced at Daniel and gave him a playful nudge in the shoulder. But Daniel hadn’t been paying attention. Instead, he was more focused on the fact that sharing breakfast with Jonas and Lillian meant that Rachel would be there, too. Perhaps, he thought, he could get her aside for a moment to speak to her, to maybe figure out what was going on in her ferhoodled mind.
Inside the kitchen, there was a lot of activity. Linda was helping her grandmother while Rachel set the table. Lillian was busy with the smaller two children, one who had just knocked down a basket filled with dirty clothing that Lillian was planning to wash later that morning. Rachel hurried over to help Lillian pick up the clothes and put them back into the basket for laundering later that morning.
“Good day,” Daniel said shyly as he watched Rachel scramble around with armloads of washing. “Looks like you could use some help, Rachel.” He hurried to her side and began to pick up the scattered clothing. “Seems like the children aren’t being too helpful, ja?” he said good naturedly.
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and her face pale. “They are just children,” she murmured, her words quiet and barely audible.
Daniel looked around, glad to see that Lillian and Katie were preoccupied. He reached for Rachel’s arm and touched it, gently so as not to upset her. When she raised her eyes to him again, he stared at her, forcing her to meet his gaze. “What is wrong, Rachel?” he whispered. “I am here for you, if you let me. Don’t you know that?”
She shook her head. “No,” she said quietly. “I don’t know that.” She tried to pull her arm free from his grasp but he would not release it. “Daniel?” she asked, imploring him with her eyes to free her. “Please let me go,” she whispered.
“I won’t let go,” he said. “Something is wrong and I want to help you.”
She shut her eyes and, for the briefest of seconds, almost smiled. But it was an empty smile. “No one wants to help me. Don’t you understand?” She opened her eyes and looked up at him. The sorrow in her eyes hurt his heart, tugging deeply at his very core, “That’s why I’m here, Daniel.”
“No,” he said, his voice low and soft. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
But she merely shook her head and returned to carrying the dirty clothes to the mudroom that was directly off the kitchen.
Daniel stared after her, barely hearing his mother call him to the table. The more Rachel shut him out, the more he wanted to reach her. Whatever was wrong was taxing her soul and she needed to unload her worries and problems in order to move past it.
“Daniel!”
He snapped back to the present moment and looked over at his mother. She had been watching his exchange with Rachel and there was a concerned look on her face. He tried to shrug it off and smiled apologetically. “Ja, Mamm. I’m sorry. Got to daydreaming, I guess.”
“A little less daydreaming and a little more eating then,” she teased lightly, but there was a dark look on her face. He knew that she was still watching him, especially when Rachel came back into the room and took her regular spot at the table next to Lillian and directly across from where Daniel was sitting.
During the meal, Rachel remained silent, avoiding eye contact with anyone. Daniel continued to glance at her, hoping that, just once, he would catch her eye. When it was clear that she had no intention of looking up, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat. It was time to be proactive, he thought, to take matters into his own hands. “Thought I’d go visiting brother Steve and Emanuel this afternoon,” he announced. He looked up and stared at Rachel for a long moment before turning to look at his mother. “See how their crops are faring and catch up.”
When their eyes met, he noticed his mother frown for a moment but, just as quick, Katie’s expression changed and she nodded at her son. He had figured that she would catch on quickly. “That’s a right gut idea, Daniel. With the days longer, it’s time for visiting them again.” She looked over at Lillian. “We already committed to going to the Smucker’s farm for some jam making, otherwise we’d keep you company.” Katie glanced at Rachel then Linda before returning her gaze to Daniel. “Sure is a shame for you to make that trip all alone.”
Lillian nodded, catching on quickly. “Ja, but Linda could go along. Be nice for her to see the wee ones.”
Linda bounced in her chair. “Oh yes! I want to go! I want to go!”
Lillian steadied her with one look. “Not at the table, Linda, or you won’t go anywhere.”
The little girl sobered, not wanting to upset her mother and certainly not wanting to jeopardize visiting with her young cousins. She looked around the table, too aware that everyone was looking at her. She caught Rachel’s eyes and a big smile spread across her face. It was no secret that Linda adored Rachel and, from what everyone could see, the feeling was mutual. “Mayhaps Rachel could come, too?”
“Oh,” Rachel said, the word escaping her lips like a breathless whisper.
Everyone looked at her, startled by her reaction. The silence in the room was palpable and, for what seemed an eternity, no one spoke. Daniel felt his heart pounding inside his chest. It was exactly what he had hoped would happen but the deciding factor was in the next few seconds. Would she agree to go? And, if so, would this be the opening that he needed to find out what, exactly, was going on inside of her head?
Taking advantage of the silence, Katie nodded and announced. “Of course she will go. It’ll be good for her to spend time with that side of the family and, more importan
tly, to get out for a spell while the weather is so nice.”
Daniel wanted to thank his mother but could only smile his silent appreciation for her command. Once Katie has spoken, the matter was closed, only able to be overruled by his father who, as of yet, didn’t seem much interested in the conversation at all.
“Vell then,” Daniel said, trying to hide his own excitement at having an opportunity to be alone with Rachel, even if Linda was the unspoken chaperone. He set his napkin on the table next to his plate and stood up. “I’ll finish the morning chores in the barn then head out after dinner. Reckon we’ll be back after supper.”
Katie nodded. “Reckon so. Shana will invite you for supper, for sure and certain.”
The rest of the morning seemed to drag by slowly. Daniel hurried through his chores, cleaning the cow barn and horse stalls. There wasn’t much work in the fields, not while the crops were growing. Every so often, Daniel would fix a fence that had broken or piece of equipment that needed some repair. But, as a rule, the summer was a bit slower while the corn soaked up the sun and rain. During the week, his father might ask him to go to the auction with him. They often attended, more to socialize than to actually buy anything. With little to do, Daniel did what he could to busy himself, to keep his mind occupied in order to pass time quickly.
At dinner, he picked at the food on his plate and ignored the questioning look from his mother and father. He wasn’t hungry. The entire week had been spent in wonder and worry. What had he done? Why had Rachel shut him out? Now, he hoped he would find out the answers.
“Something bothering you, son?” his father finally asked.
Daniel thought for a moment. If only he felt comfortable confiding in them. But that wasn’t the way of the Amish. Private matters were kept just that…private. So, he merely shook his head and forced a mouthful of food past his lips.
“Was wondering if you might invite Emanuel and Steve’s family for a picnic, Daniel,” his mother asked. “Be good to see them all together.”
Jonas looked up. “Right gut idea, Katie,” he said.
“When, Mamm?”
She glanced over at the wall where the family calendar hung. It was a long calendar, given out by the local feed store to all of the farmers in the area. “Next visiting Sunday, if that suits them.”
Daniel nodded. He had forgotten that this was a church Sunday. That also meant that there would be a singing after the service. If everything went well with Rachel, he told himself, he’d ask her to go with him again. Whatever was bothering her might feel better with some fellowship with her new friends and a nice, calm buggy ride home afterward. Yes, he thought, that was just want she needed. To get back to the community, back into a group, and forget about whatever was so upsetting to her.
When dinner was over, Daniel quietly excused himself from the table and made his way to Junior and Lillian’s kitchen. The kitchen was bustling with activity. Lillian and Rachel cleaned the dishes while Linda entertained the smaller children. Junior had already returned to the carpenter shop to finish up the afternoon. Lillian was laughing at something that Abram did, his head poking into a cabinet while Linda tried to coax him to play with some wooden animals. But he ignored her, which incited her. Daniel stood in the doorway, watching and trying to hide his own smile at the loving chaos that reigned in Lillian’s kitchen. It reminded him of the days when he was the youngest brother and his older sisters tried to force him to do things that he didn’t want to do.
“There you are, Daniel!” Lillian said when she noticed him. She smiled as she dried her hands on a dishtowel. Laying it on the counter, she added cheerfully, “You have a wonderful gut day for a long buggy ride.”
Rachel’s back stiffened and she leaned against the counter. “Are you sure you won’t need help with the little ones? I could watch the babies while you go to the jam making,” she offered.
“You are such a dear,” Lillian replied. “You go along with Linda and Daniel. I’m sure everyone will enjoy the day much more with you there and, besides,” she hesitated. “You might enjoy visiting more than you think. It’ll do you good, for sure and certain.”
Fifteen minutes later, Linda was snuggled between Daniel and Rachel, her excitement flowing forth as she pointed out every bird and rabbit that she saw along the way. Her enthusiasm was contagious yet, neither Daniel nor Rachel spoke to each other. Instead, much of the conversation was directed at Linda, commenting on her keen eye and ability to correctly identify so many birds.
Thirty minutes into the ride, Linda began to quiet down and, despite being too old for napping, her eyelids drooped and she was soon nestled against Rachel. The gentle rolling of the buggy and warmth of the mid-summer afternoon had proven too much for her and she slept, her hand clutching one of Rachel’s.
“Vell,” Daniel said softly. “At least it’s quiet now, ja?”
Rachel glanced down at Linda and stroked the little girl’s bare arm. “Quiet is gut.”
It was the perfect opening. “Speaking of quiet,” he began, taking a moment to steal a look at her. Her hair was tucked neatly beneath her crisp, white prayer kapp. Her cheeks were pale except for across the bridge of her nose where a few sun-kissed freckles graced her skin. It was good to be alone with her at last. “You have been very quiet, Rachel. And, when I finally did get to speak to you, I didn’t care for our conversation this morning.” He paused. “I’m concerned for you.”
She sighed and looked out the window. “No one is ever concerned for me,” she whispered.
He held the reins with one hand and reached over, touching her fingers gently and, with increasing boldness, taking her hand into his. “Rachel,” he said softly. He waited until she looked at him. “I am concerned.”
“They sent me away because they weren’t concerned,” she said, her voice soft and trembling. He thought he saw tears in her eyes but she blinked, fighting hard to keep them from falling down her cheeks. “If my own family didn’t care, why should you?”
It was a question that he had asked himself repeatedly during the past week. She had only been staying at the farm for a few months and their friendship had only emerged within the past few weeks. So, he wondered, why did he care? But as he stared into her dark eyes that searched his face with such questions, he suddenly knew the answer. The moment that he realized it, he felt his pulse quicken and his blood race through his chest.
“I guess I care because…” His mouth went dry and he had to swallow before he forced out the next words, words that he had never thought to speak but words that felt right at this very moment for so many reasons. “Because I want to court you, Rachel.”
“You guess?” she repeated the words back to him.
He took a deep breath and, with much more conviction, said, “I want to court you, Rachel. I want to court you with an eye to the future.” He paused. “To our future.”
She hesitated and, gently, withdrew her hand from his. It wasn’t proper to hold hands, even if he was comforting her. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Ready?”
“To face the past,” she explained.
“Ach, Rachel,” he tried to reassure her. “Mayhaps you can’t forget the past but you certainly can’t keep living in it. Whatever happened is over and done with. It was God’s will, ja? But it’s also God’s will that you keep living and move on. He doesn’t want you to lose the faith in the future. He sent you here for a reason.” He waited until she looked at him again. “Mayhaps that reason is to regain your faith, not just in Him but in others. Mayhaps you can find that very same faith in yourself, Rachel.”
The expression on her face changed as the moment of silence grew between them. She stared at him, but her eyes seemed far away. He kept one eye on the road while he drove, the other on her, watching her react to his words. The sadness began to morph into something else. He wasn’t certain but he thought he saw hope. If she could only trust him, have faith that he, too, would not
abandon her, perhaps she could, indeed, have that future.
“I can try, Daniel,” she finally volunteered. “I can try to have that faith that everything will be right gut again and…” She hesitated. When their eyes met, she seemed timid and frightened. Gone was the tough exterior he had witnessed so many weeks ago. Gone was the sorrow that he had seen in the week past. Amidst the fear was the fact that she was willing to put her faith in him. “…and I can believe that you won’t hurt me.”
He reached out and, gently, stroked her cheek. “I won’t hurt you, Rachel. Of that you can be sure and certain.” He smiled at her, the color rising to her cheeks. She quickly averted her eyes, the picture of modesty. But the corner of her mouth turned upwards, ever so slightly. He turned his attention back to the road, using both hands to hold the reins and giving her some time and space to contemplate what had just transpired.