by K. L. Kreig
“I can cancel if you want, Addy. It’s no problem. I just thought…”
“No, it’s fine. Really.” He’ll just find some other way to get what he wants. “Night, Eric.”
“Night, squirt.”
When I make it to my bedroom, I pick up my phone and text Luke. Who cares that it’s after three in the morning? Not this pissed-off female. I am about to live up to my nickname right now. He wants fire? He’s got a fucking inferno burning.
Me: really, luke?
Me: using my brother
Me: to get what you want?
Me: kinda childish
Me: don’t you think?
Yes, I intentionally sent multiple texts hoping to wake him up. Who’s acting childish now? I proudly raise my hand. He responds almost immediately and when I see his text come through, I have to contain my squeal and remember why I’m pissed at him. My thighs clench in both desire and chilly remembrance. Damn him.
Bomb Pop: there are no rules in war, fireball
Me: is that what this is?
Bomb Pop: until I can call you permanently mine, yes. I won’t apologize
I sit there staring at those words. Well, one in particular. Surely he doesn’t mean…
Bomb Pop: can’t sleep?
Me: no. my furnace is missing. you throw off enough heat to warm half of chicago
Bomb Pop: how did you ever live without me?
Bomb Pop: want me to come over?
How did you ever live without me? I don’t know, I think. I honestly don’t know. This entire revenge text is backfiring on me. Big time. I need to take control back. I choose to ignore his first question, answering his second.
Me: no. did I wake you?
Bomb Pop: shame and yes. your incessant pings did the intended trick. everything ok?
Me: other than I’m mad at you?
Bomb Pop: I’ll make it up to you. thoroughly and repeatedly, maybe with a dash of wicked thrown in if you need more convincing
Well. Shit.
Winner: Luke.
Me: luke?
Bomb Pop: yes baby?
Me: you infuriate me, but…
Bomb Pop: yes…??
Me: I like you
Me: a lot
Bomp Pop: I couldn’t like you more if I tried addy monroe
I swallow hard, trying not to read more into that than he probably means.
Bomb Pop: night beautiful
Me: night
Once again Luke managed to commandeer the reins from me, but I find myself not caring. It’s fifteen minutes before I float down from the ceiling and more than an hour before I finally talk myself into going to sleep because the entire time I’m twisting and pulling apart his use of the word permanent.
Did you know there are over forty different ways to say permanent and they all essentially mean the same thing?
Existing perpetually.
Everlasting, especially without significant change.
Long lasting or nonfading.
In other words, forever.
Forever.
For keeps.
Till hell freezes over.
Permanently.
Chapter 31
“Another round?”
Conn, Asher, Gray, and I were kicked out of the house this afternoon during Livia’s baby shower, hence our hole up at Stubby’s Bar. If it were up to me, I would have stuck around, if for no other reason than to stand in the corner and watch Addy. Mom shooed us out well before the guests arrived though, so now I get to spend the next two hours or so with my brothers, which isn’t the worst thing in the world either.
Gray looks to me, brows raised, knowing two beers is usually my limit. I’ve had two already, but I’m not driving and decide what the hell. “Sure.”
I notice Conn watch our perky, pretty, twenty-some-year-old waitress saunter away, checking out the ass she’s purposefully swaying. She’s good, I’ll give her that. She immediately discounted Gray after seeing his wedding ring, but she’s been trying to play to the rest of us every time she comes by, which is frequently. I think she’s finally caught on that Conn’s the only one possibly biting. I usually pay attention to that shit, but ever since I’ve met Addy, I just don’t look at women that way anymore. They all look…dull compared to my fireball.
I’ve fucked exactly zero women since the night I laid eyes on Addy Monroe. That’s right, you heard me. A big fat goose egg. I couldn’t fathom that act with anyone other than her. Hell, I’m not even sure I could have gotten it up for another woman.
Now that I have the woman I want, I can think of nothing other than when I can be inside of her again. I honestly think I could fuck us both to death if she’d let me, so the fact I couldn’t be inside that sweet, hot pussy more than one time yesterday does not leave Luke a very happy man. The fact I won’t be able to have her today either is making me extremely irritable.
And now I’m being cockblocked by one of my best friends, unbeknownst to him, because Addy hasn’t come clean yet. I keep waiting for Eric to show up on my mom’s doorstep. The fact he hasn’t says it all right there, so I just gave her the push she needed by inviting the Monroes to Easter meal at our house through her brother.
I never thought I was possessive; I guess I just didn’t have the right person to be possessive over. She’s mine, and I don’t want her pretending she’s not. But her silence makes me wonder what she’s waiting for. Is she unsure about us? Is she mad about how I handled the camera man yesterday? Is she dancing again? Denying? Not ready to commit? Shit…that thought makes my heart palpitate, because there’s no one else for me but her.
So yeah, long story, but…I could use the extra beer.
“You’re quiet,” Gray says, regarding me keenly. Although Gray and I may not have had the best relationship over these past few years, it’s improving and he’s still my twin. No amount of time or distance can erase that unique connection we share.
“Just thinking,” I mumble, taking a long swig of my Heineken.
“About one pretty, leggy brunette?” Conn pipes up, wagging his thick brows.
My gaze shifts to my younger, pot-stirrer brother. “Careful of that one,” I nod to “Candi,” with an “i” as she pointed out when she introduced herself (like we can’t read the nametag stuck right above the tit she’s got practically popping out of her red-checkered half shirt). “Got crabs written all over her.”
He throws his head back, laughing. “I may appreciate, but the women I bed have an IQ higher than eighty, dick.”
“Wow, just eighty? You’ve lowered your standards a bit in the last few years,” Asher quips.
“That’s because I’ve picked the good ones over already.”
I half wonder if it’s true based on what Asher’s said. I remember Conn liked a redheaded beauty in high school, Nora something or other, and I also heard she moved away at the end of their senior year. Mom told me that Conn moped around like a lost puppy for weeks on end. I sometimes wonder if Conn hasn’t gotten over that woman and is using his escapades as blacktop. Blacktop may fix a pothole, but it’s temporary. Concrete’s more solid, the good stuff. Wouldn’t be the first person to do so, won’t be the last.
“So, Mom mentioned the Monroes are coming over for Easter tomorrow.”
I look at Conn and think, you’re the last one to fall, fucker. And I can’t wait for the deafening sound when he does. I may have been absent for a while, but I’m pretty sure he’s been fighting it the most of any of us, not even letting the sheets warm up before showing his “date” the door, patting her ass on the way out. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, right?
“You haven’t changed a fucking bit, you know that?” I tell Conn laughingly. “You just dump shit in and keep stirrin’ and keep stirrin’ until you get some kind of explosive reaction.”
“Is that a question or a statement?” he asks with a cocky smirk.
My response is to flip him the bird.
“On a serious note, I was wondering if I cou
ld hire you for a job?”
“Want me to scope out your next conquest? Make sure her intelligence is up to snuff?”
“Something along those lines.”
Turns out it’s not a woman but a company he wants me to research. We spend the next ten minutes talking about Steele Recruiting, a smaller-scale executive recruiting firm he’s looking to add to Wynn Consulting’s portfolio, the division of GRASCO Holdings that Conn runs. He wants me to do some due diligence work. It’s something some PIs do although it isn’t generally my thing. Yet, I think it would be just right for the new guy I hired a couple weeks ago. Conn’s pretty far along in the deal and has met with the owner several times now, but he wants me to research a few of the top executives and recruiters the owner insists he keep on staff for a period of time as part of the deal. We agree he’ll send me the details in the next couple of weeks.
“A hundie on pool?” Asher throws down pointedly to Conn.
“Happy to take your money anytime, Ash.”
They get up and head to the tables, leaving Gray and me alone. We watch them rack and trade barbs for a minute or two. Jesus, I love my brothers. I have sincerely missed them.
“This is nice. Being with you guys,” I confess quietly.
“It is. I’ve missed you, Luke.”
“Me too, brother.”
“So, things going well with Addy then I take it?” Gray asks nonchalantly.
I watch my younger brothers, remembering the highly competitive streak we all seemed to inherit from our father, deciding how to answer. Truth it is. “She makes sense, you know. With her, I can just…I don’t know…be, I guess. It sounds like a chick thing to say, but I feel like the man I was always meant to be has stepped out of the shadows. Like she’s unlocked some fucking invisible door or something.”
I think back to her observations of my tats yesterday, particularly the sunbeams banishing my demons to the shadows, except she didn’t get that one quite right. It was me in the dark and the demons had free rein of the light. Now it’s as if I’ve traded places with them and she’s solely responsible.
I slide my eyes to Gray to find he’s looking at me with a slight smile and…understanding. “I get it. I felt exactly the same way about Livvy. Like I didn’t know I was missing something until I saw her and then everything just clicked.”
“Yeah, except I knew I was missing it, I just didn’t know what ‘it’ was. I’ve never felt like this, Gray. It’s fucking scary. Like I’m free falling without a parachute or something, but I don’t want to stop.”
He barks a laugh. “Love’s fucking scary, Luke. With the right woman, it’s worth every terrifying plummeting second.”
We’re silent for a few beats and I know he understands the whole meaning of this conversation without me having to come right out and say it. I may have had deep feelings for Livia, but not like this. Addy’s in a whole category to herself, as she should be.
“I didn’t say I loved her.”
He shakes his head. ”Yes, you did. Just not in so many words.”
“I feel like I’m not worthy of her,” I admit quietly a couple minutes later.
“Define worth, Luke. You’re an honorable man.”
I snort. “I’m the furthest fucking thing from honorable, Gray, and we both know it. I’ve done so many dishonorable things, I’ve lost count.”
“No. I don’t know shit. You overcame the odds, Luke. You sank low and you scratched and clawed your way out of your own personal hell. You saved my wife. You gave me a family. A future. That’s honorable if you ask me.”
“I’ve taken a life.” I can barely hear my own confession, yet I know Gray hears it plain as day. I may have alluded to this months ago, but Gray never asked and I never offered. It’s a confession I need to get off my chest to someone who won’t judge me because God knows I do enough of that myself.
Yes, I killed a man. Peter Wilder. I didn’t shoot him. I did something far worse. I betrayed his trust. I slowly poisoned him with a legal medication that was supposed to be lifesaving, so that when his black heart stopped beating for the last time, it would look natural and no one would question it. Everyone knew he had heart problems. Turns out too much nitroglycerin over a long period of time for someone who has a bad heart has quite the opposite effect. Probably shouldn’t put that shit so readily available on the Internet.
“No matter how vile of a human being he was, I premeditated and deliberately carried out a murder. I played God, and that weighs heavily on me. How can I expect absolution from anyone else, especially an incredible, pure woman like Addy, when I’ll never be able to give it to myself?”
“We’re talking about the low-life maggot who murdered my baby and nearly killed my Livvy, yes?”
I nod sharply and we go silent, both of our eyes zeroed in on our younger brothers. When the waitress comes by, we order another round. After a few minutes, Gray speaks quietly.
“I think you need to flip this around, Luke. You premeditated to save a life. The life of an innocent woman who was being tortured and raped, slowly marching toward death’s door every day. Every encounter with him could have been her last. Had you not done what you did, the life of an innocent would be haunting you right now instead, and that would be a hefty burden you’d never be able to shed, no matter how many Hail Marys you say or masses you attend. I know this has eaten you up, Luke, but the fact you even give two fucks about what you did to that piece of shit who was deserving of far, far worse says everything about your character. Your honor.”
I finally slide my gaze to his as he continues. “It’s time to bury this, to forgive yourself. It’s time to let yourself be happy. You fucking deserve it. You’re worthy of her, Luke. More than. And if she does find out about this, then I have no doubt she’ll understand.”
“She’s my color.” My voice cracks a bit and if Gray hears it, he doesn’t call me out. Good brother, that. If he did, I may just have to reclaim my manhood and throw down some type of challenge.
“To blinding color,” he says, holding up his own green bottle, a small smile turning his mouth.
“It’s fucking brilliant,” I reply, tipping my own bottle to my lips.
“Livvy wanted me to give you a message, by the way.”
My brows cock. “Really? What’s that?”
“She said if you hurt her friend, she’ll cut off your balls.”
“Wow,” I snort. “Become violent, has she?”
“You have no goddamn idea,” he chuckles. “Say, can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Our attention shifts briefly to Ash who is now whooping it up, making a big scene. He must have won the last game and I see they’re racking another.
“Shoot,” I reply, not at all sure where this is going. Could be any number of sinkholes I can’t step into.
“How did you get hooked up with that sadistic murderer anyway?”
“Who? Peter?”
Gray’s eyebrows rise. “There were more?”
Not like him. “He was the worst of the worst.”
“So can you talk about it? Help me understand?”
Can I? I’m not supposed to speak of this. Ever. But if I can trust anyone to keep this secret, it’s Gray.
“This stays between us.”
He nods. “Understood.” Gray signals the waitress for two more beers before I dive headfirst back into the underground.
“It was quite by accident, actually. I had some charges for drug dealing and second-degree theft pending back here in Detroit, so I did what every criminal does and skipped town, going to Boston with a buddy. Changed my name, as you know. Got some new creds, illegal of course. Worked some odd jobs, tried to straighten out my shit, stay out of trouble. Eventually got a job as a cook in a Greek restaurant and this guy would always come in. I’d heard he was a big-time mobster, but I had no idea who the fuck he really was. Over the course of a few months, he kinda took to me. Loved my Bougatsa and Galaktoboureko. Was a big
foodie.
“One day I overheard a couple of lowlifes talking a little too loudly about how they were going to take him out. Few days later one of his bodyguards came in for a pickup and I warned him. Saved the fucker’s life. If I only knew then what I would learn a couple years later, I would have gladly let him be fish food, but he had been good to me. Thought I’d repay the favor, not thinking much of it.
“Then, I was summoned to his house and essentially taken into the fold. Not something you’re really at liberty to say no to unless you want to end up at the bottom of the Charles River, which I did not. Fuck, I’ve gone back and replayed that day a million times wishing I had kept my mouth shut.”
“But then you wouldn’t have been there to save Livvy.”
“I know,” I tell him quietly. It’s a catch-22 of epically fucked-up proportions.
I finish the beer sitting in front me, palming the cold one and continue, wanting to just vomit it all now. “Six months later, the FBI, which had been watching Peter Wilder for well over a year, approached me. They managed to find out who I really was and in exchange for any inside intel that would help put Peter behind bars, they would wipe away all pending charges, plus I would have immunity for anything that happened until they could take that masochistic fucker down. Then I’d go into the WITSEC program.”
“Shit. Are you serious?” I would laugh at the incredulous look on Gray’s face if I thought any of this was fucking funny. As it is, I don’t. It was sheer, torturous hell. A tightrope walk that I balanced every goddamn day. It took cunning and an incredible sixth sense to keep my ass alive and that of Livia’s when she was brought into the sick, twisted game, changing the rules completely.
“Dead.”
“They had to have known about Livia, then? If you were working with the FBI?”
I nodded, my stomach madly churning with a mixture of acid and hatred so thick it was cloying sometimes.