by Alli Reshi
My heart ached even more for him, but I kept all that separate. He needed stability now. If I did this right and was very careful. I might get my chance to help him. It could very well be my only chance in a long time.
"Mother, she keeps crying. I can hear her crying. She won't stop. Always going on about her poor baby boy. I can't stand it. I'm sorry I didn't mean it, it's all my fault. Is this my punishment Demitri? To have to listen to her for the rest of my life? I want it to stop." Devin confessed gripping me tighter. I couldn't hold back a whimper of my own. I ran my fingers through his hair. Oh, this poor boy, would the cosmos never give him a moment of rest.
"Listen to me Devin, really listen. That wasn't your fault. None of it was. You aren't to blame, it was an accident. A horrible, terrible accident that shouldn't have happened. There was nothing you could do about it. It wasn't any one's fault do you hear me." I reprimanded hoping a stern tone would do more to make him understand, though to no avail, as he cried harder.
"She fell down the stairs because she was scared of me. Because she was trying to get away from me. I might as well have pushed her down. It's all the same, it's still my fault she died." Devin whimpered refusing anything I would say. I pulled away enough to look Devin in the eyes, holding him still, his beautiful gray eyes darkened with pain.
"No, that's not how it is. Now you listen to me. It's not your fault, you understand? I've said hundreds of times: those stairs were rickety and a hazard. Everyone said it. How many times had someone slipped or almost fallen on them? Even you and I had. It was only a matter of time before someone fell, and that happened to be your mother," I said sternly, keeping his gaze until he started to settle the tiniest bit.
"You weren't there. You don't know what happened, how things were. What I did to father after. It was me, it was all me. Now I get to pay for it with her," Devin said. Eyes wild and not grasping anything beyond the voices demanding attention. I kept my touch firm and constant—anything to ground him to the now.
"No, I wasn't, and I'm so sorry. I should have been there. I could have stopped it all. Saved you so much heartache. Had I known I wouldn't have left, but it's in the past it's done. We can't change it. You were out of your mind at the time; you couldn't possibly have acted rationally. What your father did back then was out of fear and anger. You were trying to defend yourself," I pressed. I couldn't let him slip away, not when I was so close. I could see Devin slowly being swayed by my words, his eyes almost focusing on me.
"You say that, but what about all the others, Demitri. There were so many other places, other people I hurt. Times when I couldn't stop the voices. Times I had no choice but to listen to the voices, they were so loud. I caused so much destruction. What is your justification for that?" Devin demanded, determined to cling to his self-damning thoughts. Even as he came back to being himself.
"Yes, you terrorized people, scared them witless, but you never finished any of it. No one left with more than a few scrapes. You didn't let the voices take over completely." I offered with the hint of a smile. Devin rolled his eyes in return, and there he was my friend coming back to me.
"Only because you always got in the way. If I had been left to my own devices the damage would rattle the stars. Why can't you see that I'm not good for anyone?" Devin huffed eyebrows drawing together. Like he really didn't understand even after all this time.
"Because I refuse to believe that. I know you Devin. You can do so much good. That statement isn't completely true either. On Hualth you were all by yourself. Had all of Hualth at your feet, could have killed any and everyone there." I took one of his hands in mine, brushing the pads of my fingers over the lines in his palm.
"But you didn't. Not a single person. You just left. All that fear and domination, then nothing. That was all you. Cause at the very heart of yourself, you can't stand to hurt someone, even by accident. I know you far too well to ever believe otherwise." I laughed quietly. Astounded by how such a brilliant man could see so little. Devin's eyes dropped to the sheets tears welling in his eyes again.
"Why would you do this all for me? Why are you still here?" Devin asked. Tracing fingertips of his free hand over the blanket like he might find the answers in the linen.
"Because you're my friend and I care about you. I would go to the ends of the universe for you if you needed it." I hummed. Now far more relaxed than when I woke. I was still using small strokes on Devin's back mostly because I didn't want to stop.
"But you lost everything because of me. Your home, your family, why would you want anything to do with me after that?" Devin inquired, and a slight bit of the puzzle fell into place for me.
"You were hurt, I had to help. What else could I do? I put so much effort in already I couldn't give up and let it go to waste. Do you really not know why I was exiled? It wasn't you, not overall. It was my choice. Though it was about you, but that's not the same. I refused to value one thing over another and they didn't like that," I said simply. Devin glanced up at me confused. I could see it in the scrunch of his nose as he tried to fit everything together in his head.
"But they exiled you for researching a cure for me, for trying to study my condition. Didn't they?" Devin inquired now not sounding as sure of himself.
"Oh, that was part of it. The counsel wasn't happy about that. The thing is I did find a cure. I found something that well, hasn't been tested in this manner, but should work. They wanted to know so bad, but I refused to do anything without you being the first of us treated." Devin gave me a suspicious look that made me think I should explain a bit more. "I had done extensive work on the method. It wasn't like I was going to use you as a guinea pig. I simply knew if I didn't demand to treat you first, the counsel would always find one excuse or another to put it off. The hissy fit they threw. They didn't want you to get any help, but I was having none of it. They gave me a choice: abandon my friend and live in glory, or live with you in exile. Jokes on them—I'd make the same choice a hundred times." I shook my head still unbelieving of the counsel's stubbornness and stupidity. I couldn't quite tell if Devin's look was more of wonder or questioning my stupidity.
"You found a cure, a real one? How?" Devin said, disbelieving. I couldn't help but bring my hand up to brush my fingers against his temple grinning wide.
"Yes, well, not a full cure, per se, it'll need occasional tending to. More like a daily set of pills than a way to get rid of them all together, but I figure it's better than nothing. See, there's this tiny little planet still in parts of its developmental stages. They had a very good secret that I think might be key." I lingered now making Devin ask for what he wanted. I could have my own fun every now and then.
"Don't be an ass now. What did you find?" Devin near growled, never liking when I teased. Though it did nothing to falter my smile.
"Well, there are about three different races. You know part of the fun evolution things where one hasn't come out as dominant yet. One race is highly telepathic. They can hear things from miles off, but that developed ahead of their mental capacity. So, their mind literally takes in more information than it can process. Now normally a species wouldn't last much past that but they found a way around it." I paused for dramatic effect.
"Go on, oh brilliant one." Never has a compliment sounded so bland then coming from an annoyed Devin.
"They found that while they had little control over their telepathy themselves. If one helped another, they could put up this sort of wall in the mind to keep out the excess noise. I got them to show me how to do that. With a little tweaking, we might not have the range, but certainly better control, I could do similar for you. Blocking off your mind from that extra noise." I finished, now almost giddy with excitement.
"Alright, that sounds fine. So, where's the but? You always hold off that part till the end. Hoping people will overlook the downsides." Devin waited impatiently for the rest of it.
"Fine, take all the joy out of things. The wall wears down after a while, it will need tending to. These people
lived in small groups, so they were never too far from each other and could give constant maintenance on each other's walls. Given that I don't know how far apart we can be without your wall falling to pieces. That is the part that might take some tinkering. It seems to depend on the amount of noise the wall is holding back." I rambled on. I could see the hope growing in Devin's eyes.
"Well, I'm going to be stuck with you for a while anyways, so that's not your worry. You're still holding something back. The last piece that you think I'm going to hate." Devin prodded. Using his usual snarky tone to bait me, and for once I didn't mind.
"To do this I'm going to have to reach deep into your mind. Much more so than normal communication, more than I ever have. I have to reach your subconscious at least. I need to go so deep that I can hear them myself, so I know where to work. It means you can't hide anything from me. You have to be wide open. I won't try to look for anything more than what I need but, I can't promise that I won't see more." Devin pulled away as he finally understood how much this would entail. Fear marring his face. I gave him space, hands leaving him to let him think about his options.
"But you believe it will work?" Devin asked cautiously. This was the moment that decided if all my effort paid off or not.
"Yes, I think it can. I think it's the best chance of any amount of help there has been in a long time, maybe ever. If it doesn't work well, it's at least the building blocks for a solution." I answered confidently. Waiting hopefully as Devin mulled everything over.
"What do we need to do?" Devin inquired with determination gleaming in his eyes. I bit back on my excited whoops of joy. Reminding myself this was only a step forwards not a victory.
"We're about right for where we need to be. I need a lot of contact points to you, and you to me. What I need from you is complete relaxation. Take down all mental walls and reservations. Trust me wholly, can you do that?" I instructed, bringing both my hands to cup his face. Fingers spread carefully from temple to jaw line.
"Yes, not much of a stretch to be honest. I trust you with my life, have for a long time." Devin admitted with shocking honesty. For a brief moment, I considered what Benn had said about being honest in what I felt. I brushed the thought away, now was hardly the time. Instinctively Devin mimicked the position of my hands. Without further prompting I closed my eyes sinking deep into his mind.
I felt the warm comfort that came with being so close to Devin. His mind was a pressure all around me, an inviting one. Much like the warmth from a fireplace after spending too long outside during a cold winter's night.
Noise soon followed the further in his mind I wandered. Long held memories and rampant thoughts. I ignored them as best I could. Focusing on finding the malicious voice I had heard before waking. Those were why I was here. No matter how pleasant it would be to relive a few boyhood days. Down I traveled, past a cacophony of emotions that were near overwhelming. Brushing away forgotten notions before finding any amount of resistance. A solid feeling with the whisper of ill intent lurking behind it.
"Relax Devin." I encouraged, waiting without demanding for Devin to let go of his last bit of reservation. Slowly the wall of protection melted away. I could feel Devin's deep, shaky breath as he laid himself bare before me. Nothing could have prepared me for the wave of cruelty that followed in place of the resistance. Violent thoughts that were enough to push me to my knees.
'We should kill them all. Slit their throats and watch as blood pours out.'
'Or better yet, poison the skies. Wouldn't it be fun to see all of Jamaica choking on the air? Oh, maybe it should burn their skin off, too. That would be so beautiful.'
'Why stick to this tiny planet. The stars could turn red with blood. If this stupid boy would really put work into it. Now there's a carnage that can be appreciated.'
For a moment, I was lost amongst such a want to cause harm. Plans of destruction filled my mind, only to be discarded just as quickly and replaced with images of carnage tinted with emotions of glee. A jarring worry distracted me from the sea of violence: Devin's worry. He had tried to protect me from these voices, but I'd insisted on joining him here anyways. I could not let myself fall prey to them. I would not let my efforts and his hopes be in vain.
This was what Devin had to deal with all the time, I could hold steady for as long as I needed. Lost souls demanding bloodshed, it would end now. With thoughts of Devin to ground me, I pulled myself apart from those nasty voices. I concentrated like I had been taught. Imagining a line between Devin's mind and the voices.
With considerable focus, I formed a brick to lay on the line and then made another to sit beside it. Though tedious and draining, I worked to edge Devin's mind with the imagined bricks, separating Devin's mind from the voices a tiny bit with each new brick. Seeming to sense their impending doom, the voices thrashed against the slowly forming wall.
'You will fail. The boy is ours; you cannot have him.'
'Stop it. You're going to ruin all our fun. We just want to see people die, what's so wrong about that?'
'What is ours will stay ours. Leave, child, before we decide to claim you as well.'
I willed the bricks to hold, not budging under the attacks. It became easier to form bricks and pull apart the two halves the longer I worked. Seemingly too easy, as another wave of assaults shook the wall, causing cracks and pieces to fall away from where I had built.
'We want blood, we want to see the decay as the streets run with it. You cannot stop us.'
'Oh, please don't push us away. We only want to have fun, so what if our fun is seeing people ripped apart?'
'If you are to stand in our way, then we have no choice but to go through you.'
My half formed wall crumbled to a stump. That being all I could hold together as images of destruction invaded my mind. The dead lie in open fields, children burning alive in wild fires, the skies turned purple with poison. My mind cleared like smoke in a breeze, as a sort of wind rushed by, forcing back the voices. It would seem that Devin had an objection with at least one of the voices. I couldn't let my hopes of which voice had been the one that caused him to act distract me from my task.
With my renewed clarity of mind, I started rebuilding the wall. Focusing on making the bricks stronger to stand up against the force of the voices. The wind did not last long, leaving behind an overwhelming exhaustion. While it seeped into my bones, I knew the tiredness was not my own. With the slight reprieve, I had quickly finished the wall, building it to be as thick as I could.
Yet, as the voices returned to fight against their confinement, I felt as if I was a glass maker bringing their creation into an opera house. A few cracks formed, but not so fast that I couldn't repair them before they grew too large.
'We will not stay quiet.'
'We will have our fun no matter this slight delay.'
'We will return, and we will come for the one who seeks to silence us.'
The voices grew quieter as they were blocked off. I gave them no mind as I patched and reinforced the wall.
'Thank you for saving my son.' Was the last voice I heard before the wall fully solidified into a protective shield. All that was Devin now safely on the other side, separated from the voices. Watching carefully for a few moments I gently backed away. Now with the confidence of a captain in a lighthouse, the storm might rage but it would not breach. I left Devin's mind slowly so as to not cause any distress by pulling away from the contact too abruptly.
Almost sleepily, I opened my eyes. Watching as Devin did the same I waited for his reaction. Slowly his eyes widened with shock.
"They're gone." Devin whispered in amazement.
"Really, are you sure?" I prodded wanting to believe him without getting my hopes up.
"It's quiet Demitri. I don't hear anything." Devin laughed, pulling me into a hug. Which I happily returned, though gentler than his bruising grip. Laughing along with him I kissed his temple in the rush of the moment. Devin jerked back his expression unreadable, though his eyes were in
tent on my lips. A hungry rumble sounded between us breaking the sudden tension.
"We shouldn't get our hopes up too much before everything settles in place. This might be the proverbial shot of morphine to quiet the pain, but let's hope the silence holds. In the meantime, I should probably go find us some breakfast. Anything you want?" I chuckled, slowly climbing out of the bed.
"This is the first time I've had peace in a very long while. I don't care how long it lasts, I'm going to enjoy it." Then to answer my question, he said, "No, whatever you bring will be fine." Devin hummed, relaxing more comfortably in the bed. I moved to the bathroom to freshen up, and pulled a new suit out of the cupboard. I checked on Devin once more when I heard coughing coming from the room, but he waved me off. I might bring my worries up with Amy. It wouldn't hurt to look the wound over again.
I nearly skipped on my way to the kitchen. There was no way of knowing yet how well everything worked. At this moment, Devin was okay. That gave so much potential for tomorrow. There was no more having to stop him from trying to destroy things. Without the voices, he would be free of that impulse. Free to be himself, finally.
I might have to watch him for a few days, a side effect of all this might be a shift in personality. Well, hopefully there would be some shift, but wouldn't do to have something else nasty form in the gap left. Devin had the first chance to be himself since we were boys. I would do my best to make sure that stayed true. Who knew what all this could mean for things between the two of us.