by Alli Reshi
"Hey, how you holding up there? I'm gonna guess not too well. Anything broken?" Benn asked. Brushing past Christy as she scampered out. His voice was a balm to my raw nerves.
"I bruised three ribs and have a mild concussion. Otherwise nothing physically wrong." I sighed, the fight leaving me. I could feel my shoulders droop, and while it annoyed my ribs I couldn't be bothered to care.
"And the rest of you?" Benn inquired. He put a gentle and comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I don't know. Can you help me put my shirt back on?" I stalled trying to sort out the mess that was my head. Benn nodded, willing to give me the time I needed. I knew he was here to listen. That helped relieve me more than anything else. Benn found my shirt on the table. He quickly unfolded it and walked around to help. With tender but sure hands the shirt came on with minimal pain. I thought it was quite the achievement to only hiss once.
"It's hard, Benn. I've had to watch him slip away so many times. Mostly it's metaphorically, but now it's twice that I've had to watch him possibly die. This time I was so sure everything was going to be fine. I mean I got the voices to stop so I thought that would make everything better. No more trouble, but again, I've lost him. I know it, a body can only take so much before it gives out. I don't know how much longer I can do this. You must think I'm an idiot, huh." I rambled while Benn buttoned my shirt. Not interrupting, simply letting me talk.
"No, I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're in love and while sometimes that leads to not so smart things, they're not the same. You haven't lost him yet. Amy's with him. If there's anyone that won't give up until she's done everything possible, it's her. He's in good hands. And the boys stubborn, have a little more faith in him to pull through. The real question is what do you do now?" Benn said, straightening my shirt slightly for me, then taking a few steps back to sit in the chair against the wall.
"I don't know. There's not much I can do now. I've boxed myself in well and tight. While I can make the voices stop, I don't know how far from him I can be and keep that true. Also, I'll have to fix the block every so often. He might be able to do it himself in time, but he also might never. I literally can't leave him now." I sighed, rubbing my forehead. I had to stop when that irritated my headache.
"You say that like you'd let him out of your sights, let's remember where you spent the last few weeks. So, your plan really did work. That's good to hear. You could leave him. It would be simple to but you wouldn't. Because you're now his daily prescription and you're not that cruel. You're not answering the right question. What will you do if he wakes up? Will you tell him you love him? If he doesn't love you back, or if he dies, what are you going to do about it?" Benn pushed. I could feel my frustrations rising again. So much for him being soothing and helpful.
"I don't know." I mumbled. Plucking at the cuffs of my sleeves, pretending to straighten them.
"Are you going to keep it quiet until it carves out your heart and there's nothing left?" Benn asked again. I felt my hands clench.
"I don't know," I said, gritting my teeth.
"What if when you tell him he doesn't feel the same, or he hates you? Will you leave him to suffer or will you let yourself suffer? What exactly is your plan now that you've got what you wanted? You can't turn away forever. Now seems like a good time to make up your mind, boy." Benn prodded. He stayed unfazed when I snarled at him.
"I don't know, all right? I just don't know." I stood to pace the room.
"I love him so much, have for so long. I can't let that go. I need him as much as he does me, maybe more. How could I move on from that, but I'm so scared to say anything. It would hurt more to not have him love me, and push me away, than to not at least be near him. I don't know how I would live if he hated me." I paused for breath. Rubbing a hand over my eyes.
"He tried to tell me something before you came, but I didn't let him. Because I was scared. I didn't want to have the last thing he said to be that he didn't feel the same—or worse, that he did. That we missed so much, being idiots. Then came so close to never having it. Now I might never know and he'll never know how much I love him. It's not fair. It's not Theasta damned fair!" I screamed.
Turning to the table, sweeping everything off it in a fit of rage, I beat my fists against anything in reach. Any pain I might have felt masked by the turmoil in my heart. After a moment, all my energy faded away. I bent over the table crying. I jerked when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Benn shushes me with quiet words. I let him turn me as he pulled me into a hug. I curled around him, weeping.
"How are you so much better at this, when I'm so much older?" I sniffled when I finally calmed. I felt more than I heard Benn laugh.
"Well, boy, I think that has more to do with relevant life stage than literal age. You're still fairly young for your people, aren't you? I'm how you might say starting to get on in my years," Benn said jokingly. I couldn't help a small laugh myself.
"If that's what will make you feel better about aging, sure we can go with that." I smirked. Pulling away slightly though not out of the embrace, only wincing for effect at his tap on the shoulder.
"I'd watch your mouth. I can make you sort through the last century of archives." Benn threatened emptily. The last person that had wandered down to the archives had been lost for three days and had to be rescued. Benn banned entry after that. He liked a good threat now and again, despite that.
"You were right, by the way. Suspect and intruder are the same person, confirmed as a Plagiariis from the third moon of Amor. We had to give them a nourishment stabilizer before they could talk at all." Benn started a new line of conversation.
"It seems that someone kidnapped them. Probably people looking to sell the poor thing as a pet on the black market. There's enough difference in biology to not get proper nutrients from human food, even if it doesn't seem like it for a few days. So, the attacks were the result of the suspect being half-starved. We have them in a holding cell 'til Amor authority show up and take over from there." Benn detailed. Patting me gently on the shoulder for a job well done.
"Wasn't much to it once you look at the problem right." I shrugged off his praise, nervously rubbing the back of my neck.
"Something you're not telling me boy?" Benn slowed beside me, to give me a suspicious once over.
"Of course not." I laughed sharply, knowing the moment after that it was a sure give away. I wasn't too worried about Benn knowing that Devin helped me, certain that he would be reasonable about it. But the less he knew, the less that could lead to trouble.
"So, no help from a certain patient? Who, might I remind you, is technically still a criminal and a ward of this division," Benn asked. My silence said more than I ever could have.
"I'm not even going to start on the legal catastrophe that is. We are simply going to agree this conversation never happened, and I'll be sure to thank him when he wakes up," Benn said with a shrug. His unquestioning sureness was a comfort. I was glad that things had been resolved. The Plagiariis would be safely returned to its proper home, probably with minimal consequences. Cases did not always end quite so well.
"Excuse me, if I could just—eep!" Christy started, ducking out quickly when Benn glared at her. So maybe the threat of having to clean the archives was only an empty threat for some of us.
"How was she ever let to be a doctor in the first place?" I sighed letting Benn pull away. He picked up my jacket and tie for me, leaving the rest of the mess for Christy.
"I don't know, that's why she's not on my team. Now it's well past lunch so let's head back to the kitchen. To at least pretend for some form of normality." Benn decided, leading the way out of the room.
"Actually, food sounds nice. Didn't really get the chance to finish that granola bar. Maybe nothing too heavy." I hummed in agreement walking next to Benn. It was easy to let Benn distract me from the weight of worry that had settled next to my heart. Benn was an excellent leader because he was one you could trust, and if he was so confident in Devin's recovery, then
I could follow his lead.
"I've got the perfect thing for you. I'll whip up a quick batch of nana's cure all gumbo. I'll go easy on the spices because you've got a head wound. Properly this should take all day, but I think there are enough ingredients around to get it done quickly." Benn promised with a smile. Admittedly Benn was the best in the kitchen out of all of us, but his fondness for spices was sometimes a reason for concern.
"Wait, is this the same one that you said would get rid of the cold Gabriella passed around to all of us? The same one that nearly burned off my tongue. Things didn't taste right for three days after that." I questioned suspiciously. The only reply I received was his laughter. I nudged him with my elbow. Not that it stopped him. We had to stop for a moment to show the guard our badges as we passed from the Northridge section back to our own.
"I'm glad you've decided what you're going to do. I think it's the best thing for you in the long run, and you've got the longest of them, boy," Benn said a while later when I was sat at the table, watching him as he cooked.
"But I haven't decided." I argued tilting my head with a curious expression. Benn gave me a knowing look over his shoulder. I grumbled to myself about know it all humans. We were quiet after that, enjoying our own thoughts. Benn served up lunch without a word. Neither of us wanting to disrupt the silence. Sally wandered in not much later drawn by the smell of food, a rich aroma from the stewing gumbo. A hint of spice, but not enough to upset my stomach, a tang of earthy notes, and the overall warmth that spoke of family and comfort.
Slowly, the rest found spots around the table with bowls of their own, except for Amy on account of still being in surgery. When Devin asked if I missed home, I hadn't been quite honest. Sure, I missed mother sometimes, but that was all. I had found a better home here. With people that cared about each other and about me. People that understood sometimes the best form of comfort was being there, no words needed. Moments like this were so much more like home than my old planet had ever been. With all these people around me, who cared so much for me, it made the pain of worrying for Devin easier to bare.
*~*~*
Lunch had long since been over when Amy finally walked into the kitchen with a smile.
"Good news. Devin will be fine and we're sure of that this time. Things were fairly simple. There was a bone fragment we missed on the first surgery. It shifted and caused problems when he woke up and started moving. We had to be very careful and had a tedious clean up. That's why the surgery took so long. He'll recover nicely and should be fine. He's back in his room now. The anesthetic should keep him asleep until at least later tonight, if not tomorrow," Amy said, briefing us all. I stood from my chair, walked over to her and gave her a great big hug.
"Thank you so much for everything." I whispered heartfelt. Breathing deeply for the first time since this morning.
"Of course, anything to keep our own friendly giant happy. Now go see him. I think you need that a lot right now." Amy pulled away with a tired grin. Shooing me off with gentle hands. I didn't need any more prompting as I left the kitchen.
I walked quickly to Devin's room. My mind racing with what I might see and what I wanted to tell him when he woke up. Benn was right: I had made a decision. I wasn't going to waste any more time, for good or bad. I might have a long life, but even then, it could end much too quickly to get hung up on the maybes and worries of life.
I entered Devin's room quietly. He was sleeping peacefully on a larger bed than before, which I had to think was Amy's too insightful doing. The blanket was pulled back part of the way. Showing his bare chest covered in bandages. I could see the hint of silver at the top of them. His long white blond hair once again spread over his forehead and into his eyes. I walked to him, brushing his bangs back into place.
"Go on then, lay with him and go to sleep. I'll keep a good watch over both of you. Just be careful with him, all right?" Isaac's voice came from behind me, spooking me. I turned quickly to see him with a soft smile.
"Always" I whispered, too tired and sore to question his change in attitude. Isaac only ever wanted the best for the people around him and was very good at noticing the shifts in them. So maybe it shouldn't be too surprising. How Isaac had known that I would be too worried by this second brush with death to sleep, I could only mark it up to his intuition.
He was right though, I had fully intended to stay up watching Devin until he woke again. Unwilling to take my eyes off him for a second should there be another unseen problem, one I would then miss and lose Devin for sure. With Isaac here I could relax, knowing that he was here to watch for anything that could go wrong. Slipping off my shoes I gingerly climbed into the bed. Only taking his hand in mine, not wanting to disturb him in any way. I laid on my side so I could watch him as I fell asleep.
"Sleep well. The two of you deserve it." Isaac murmured. I drowsily noticed him pulling the blanket up over the both of us.
CHAPTER EIGHT
A soft rustling woke me the next morning. I saw Isaac stretching in the corner, likely using the small movement to continue staying awake. He mouthed 'sorry' but I shook off his concern. He motioned his departure and I waved him out, if anyone deserved rest this morning it would be Isaac.
I turned to Devin wondering how many mornings I would get like this. Where I could watch him wake in the morning as sunlight turned his hair golden for a few moments. If this would be my last peaceful morning to watch him, I would cherish it. I raised a hand to brush my fingers through his hair. Leaning into the touch Devin woke to the gentle strokes.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I couldn't resist," I hummed, not stopping even as I apologized for it. Devin shook his head.
"It's all right, I like it," he said, getting partway through a yawn before freezing and slowly relaxing back. I squeezed his hand to help him through. "Though I feel worse than the first time I woke up," he grumbled, glancing down to see the bandages covering him.
"Yeah, looks like they had to do a bit more cutting this time. How are you feeling otherwise? Is the wall still holding all right?" I asked. It should hold well enough for a day or two, but I couldn't be sure. So, asking him would have to become a regular part of the day.
"Yes, I can't hear anything, but now it's strange," Devin said, scowling at me when I swatted his hand away from the bandages.
"How so?" I prompted when he neglected to elaborate, worried that blocking out the voices had somehow inadvertently hurt his psyche.
"To not hearing anything else, to there being silence in my head. It's disconcerting in a way. Yesterday when it was new, it was as you said a feeling akin to a dose of high strength painkillers, all light and fuzzy. Now it's like someone took the railings off the stairs and you're not sure how to balance without them." Devin shrugged, staring at the blanket with a pensive look I couldn't decipher. I took his hand encouraged when he didn't pull away.
"It's something to get used to. It will take time and probably some adjusting, but you will. You're resilient like that, and I'll be here to help you in whatever way I can, assuming you let me. You aren't doing this alone, remember?" I said, watching as he chewed over my words. I was relieved that it was something as simple as a new sensation, or should I say a lack of an old one. Devin gave a little nod eventually, clearly deciding on something.
"Well, I guess that could be all right. You've done a fair job of not mucking it up so far." Devin grinned his tone playful in a way I hadn't heard in so long.
"Listen Devin I need to tell you something," I said, reluctant to break the warm peace. Best to get this over with while there was still the companionable feeling between us. I had put it off long enough.
"No, you're going to listen to me now. You're always rambling on. So be quiet for once and let me do the talking this time. Please." Devin interrupted. I never could say no to those soft gray pleading eyes of his.
"All right, you first then." I conceded and I could see the way he relaxed at that.
"Do you remember back before everything
? When we were so young and still in school. The spring ball they would always have?" Devin started, turning to look at the ceiling as he licked his lips nervously.
"You mean Meavla's celebration of rebirth and love? Yes, I remember. Hard to forget all those extravagant flowing dresses." I supplied. That seemed like ages ago. I wasn't too sure where he was going with this. I couldn't let my hopes get too high.
"Well, one year I was going to ask you. We were still boys, but starting to grow into ourselves. I told myself this would be the time. I would ask you on a date and show you how I felt about you. I had this grand scheme all planned out. Then the day before I was going to ask was the first time I heard the voices. I was so appalled by them. I called it all off. I didn't want to burden you with them," Devin said all at once, his voice trailing off at the end. I saw the tears in his eyes. He refused to look at me. I moved my hand to cup his cheek.
"You remember our last party before the end of school? The one before we graduated?" I waited for his reluctant nod. That was a day that had soured quickly for everyone there. One hard to forget.
"I had been building myself up to ask you on a date for the entire last semester. Decided a grand party would be the best way. I also got that fancy thing-a-bob that you wanted so bad. The one I later gave you as a birthday present. Then you had that first big trouble with the voices." I brushed away the tear that slipped down his cheek. It wasn't a day either of us liked to think about.
"I thought to myself that there was something way better I could give you, to show how much I cared. How much that it didn't matter to me what might trouble you. You would always be you to me. Even if no one else thought the same. So, I thought I'd find you relief. It took longer than I thought, sorry." It wasn't what I had planned to say.
I found once I started in on it that the words piled up in my mouth, everything demanding to be said at once. I could hardly breathe around what needed to be said. Unlike Devin I couldn't tear my eyes off him. Unable to believe we had both decided on the same idea. Only to back out because we were young and unsure.