by Alyse Zaftig
“He’s back in town.”
"I can't believe that you care.”
“About what?"
“About little boys who can’t man up.”
"Well, he won." I thought about everything that she'd said to me. “He definitely won."
"Don't be a sucker," Jessica said as she parked. "You'll be fine. Either you'll get back together or you won't. We can find a guy for you to hook up with tonight if you want."
"Sure." I didn't really feel like hooking up with someone for a one-night stand. I looked out the windows. It was amazing and I just couldn't get over how much lush greenery was just everywhere. The abundance of rain made it easy to grow things here.
"We're going to a beer garden and then we're going to club hop. You're coming with." She looked at my shoes, which were flats. "Okay, if I'd noticed your shoes before now, we would've gotten you better ones before we left the house."
I shrugged. "Too late."
She opened her door. I followed her out and wound through the streets, trying to keep up. She moved like an Amazon. People flowed around her and I just tried to stay close in her wake.
"We're getting really drunk tonight," she said. "And I hope a nice man offers to take you home."
I felt my eyes get hot. I didn't want to hook up with anybody. "Maybe," I said. We walked to the beer garden and tried to sit down at the tables outside before she saw her bestie Kristen and we had to move to the inside. There weren't many people there yet, not at this point of happy hour. So we went and sat down. As soon as we did, a guy named Sebastian came with our menus.
"Hey folks, I'll be your server tonight. Our special is the chicken schnitzel on a panini. Please let me know if you need any help deciding."
"Thank you," I said as he walked away. He'd also left two drink menus, which were fascinating. They had all sorts of beers, including a lot of ones with which I was particularly familiar.
"What do you want?" Jessica asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm going to go for light beer. Probably a Pilsener."
"Cool," I said. "That sounds great to me."
Jessica left me alone at the table with Kristen. We talked about the weather while Jessica grabbed drinks for all of us. She came back with a tray.
"How big are those?" I yelped. They were monster-sized cups of beer.
"One liter," she said. "And you're welcome."
I shook my head. "There's no way that I can drink all of that."
"Believe in yourself," she said.
I smiled and walked towards the bathroom. When I got in there, I splashed cold water on my face. I needed to wake up and stop moping. Jessica had done the right thing, dragging me out tonight, because I just didn't know what I'd do with myself besides eat some ice cream and possibly cry.
It hurt me so much to break up with someone I was really into. What kind of monster decides to do that? It would be kinder if I weren't interested in Massimo, but I was. And that's why this was so hard.
I needed to go back to the table before Jessica came into the bathroom and bullied me out. I used the facilities before walking back to the table. Jessica was in full swing, talking to Kristen. One of Kristen's friends was quietly drinking and just taking things in next to me. He also had a huge container of beer.
I let the cool beer slide down my throat. There was little that I enjoyed more than very cold beer. This beer garden definitely had that part of the experience down.
I let the words and conversation flow around me as I got really drunk very quickly. The beer was meant to be drunk over the course of a night, not just in a matter of minutes. I just felt like the lights were going in and out.
"Are you okay?" Jessica asked, a slight look of concern on her face. "You're a little flushed."
"I'm okay," I told her, although I wasn't the most stable person in the world. "I just wish that I'd had a good night of sleep last night."
"Ugh," she said. "I know. Work stress has been keeping me up lately." As she launched into a long story of what she'd done that week, I let the conversation go again. Two more men were sitting down at our table. Despite the fact that I didn't know them, one of them dropped an arm around me and started talking in my ear. Because we were in a crowded and loud place, I didn't know what he was saying.
It wasn't cheating to let him keep his arm around me. He started pulling me into his body. Jessica looked at us, a flicker of concern in her eyes.
"You're sure you're okay, sweetie?"
"Fine," I growled. "You don't have to keep asking me."
"She says she's fine," the anonymous man with his arms around me said. He kept talking to me, but I was so out of it that I thought that he gave up. He walked away eventually, leaving me with my giant thing of beer. I just kept watching other people do things, which made me happy. Being part of the crowd but not part of it was fine for my mood tonight.
I drank the rest of the giant thing of beer. When I got to the end, I had to use two hands to control it as I got the last of it. Then I went to the bar to get more, using the wall to steady myself as I escaped wandering hands.
I didn't know how much beer I had, only that my body wanted me to go to sleep. The loud dance music made me want to get up, but at this point my coordination was not the best. The guy who'd been holding me before was dancing in front of me with a platinum blonde who had hair down to her waist. Her breasts were a work of art. She chased him off with a laugh and continued dancing on her own. She was pretty happy by herself. I wanted to be as carefree as she seemed to be.
"We're going home, sweetie." Jessica touched my arm. "Do you want some water?"
"I'm fine," I slurred.
"We're taking you home."
Her boyfriend took one arm and Jessica took the other as we made our way through the still packed dance floor. Her boyfriend peeled several guys' hands off of my ass as we shuffled through the horde of people.
And then I was using the railing to help me downstairs. Finally, we got into clear, open air.
"Let's eat kebabs."
Next to the club, there was a schwarma stand. We all stood in line and ate our lamb kebabs. I didn't even eat them, but they tasted absolutely delicious. I spilled barbecue sauce on my dress, dabbed at it with a napkin, and didn't care.
The fresh air and kebab made me feel a lot less drunk. I couldn't remember what I had for dinner, but the kebab was mopping up a lot of the alcohol. I just wished that I could share this night with a hot, not gross, guy.
Jessica hailed a cab and got us home. I made a mental note about paying her part of the fare when I got home.
I woke up the next morning with my shoes off but everything else on. I was on top of my comforter with a trashcan next to me. I was glad, because my throat opened up as my stomach emptied last night's bad decisions. I got most of it into the trashcan, but some of it landed elsewhere.
I felt terrible.
My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. I needed mouthwash, but in order to use it, I had to get out of bed. I stared at it for a while before getting out of bed. I pulled in a huge mouthful before rushing to the bathroom to spit it out.
I looked bad. Really bad. My hair was a nightmarish mess while my makeup had smeared in the least attractive way possible.
And my heart didn't feel any less broken than it had at the beginning of last night.
"Sweetie, are you up?" Jessica's voice came through my door.
"Yeah," I said, even though I still wanted to be alone.
"I made coffee," she said as she came in the door. "Oh."
She was kind enough not to comment on my hideousness, but I needed makeup remover and a shower. Stat.
"Let's get some coffee in you, babe."
I accepted the mug from her and started drinking it. Jessica preferred to have her coffee blacker than black, which meant that it was thick and very bitter. I liked sugary coffee, like Fraps, but I wouldn't say no to some coffee to make myself feel human again.
"I'm a mess," I told her.
"You'll be okay," she said, her hand rubbing my shoulder. "You'll be okay."
I didn't feel okay at all. I drained the rest of the cup of coffee. "Thanks for the coffee."
Jessica took the mug away. "I'm going to make some scrambled eggs. Get in the shower. I'll be ready in 10."
I sighed. I didn't want to eat anything, really, but I knew I had to. I had that empty morning-after feeling without the fun part.
I scrubbed the remnants of my makeup off before getting in the shower and pretending like I cared about being clean. A headache was threatening to start throbbing behind my eyes. I wanted to get back into bed, but I could already smell the eggs. I hoped there'd be cheese.
I got out of the shower, dried off, and put on a bra, some underwear, and a dress. I left my hair alone. Nobody but Jessica would see me anyway.
When I got out there, she was sliding scrambled eggs onto a plate. She'd actually made a sort of fancy scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese.
"Eat up," she said. "And drink a lot of water." She pointed to the large carafe of ice water.
I ate. "This is really good," I said. She had a tendency to have a heavy hand on the pepper, so the balanced flavors surprised me. I just needed to finish it so I could go back in my room, take off my dress, and sulk some more.
"We're going to the market," she said.
"What?" I asked.
"I need to buy some fresh vegetables. You're coming with me."
"I'm not," I said.
"I don't give a fuck if you want to sit in your room and feel sorry for yourself. You work too much and you’re unhappy. You're coming with me."
"No."
"Too bad," Jessica said.
She was such a bully. I shambled back into my room like a zombie and tied a scarf over my hair. I just couldn't care enough about the big circles under my eyes to whip out my concealer or use any makeup at all.
With Jessica's encouragement, I got downstairs and sat in the passenger seat while she drove us to the farmer's market. It was full of so many people that it took us a solid 15 minutes to find a parking spot, and we only got it by cutting off another person. If I cared, it would've scared the daylights out of me. But I just couldn’t muster up enough emotion to be outraged or scared. I just felt drained.
I followed Jessica around as she picked up Pink Lady apples from a man who mumbled and shouted when she couldn’t understand him. We picked up mandarin oranges and a whole bunch of mint and coriander, what we called cilantro in the US, so that she could cook some Vietnamese dish that she wanted to try out.
By the time that we made it to Annie’s and picked up coconut coffee, I was feeling a lot better. I didn’t mind paying $5 AUD for coffee that tasted better than Starbucks. We sat on a bench outside of the farmer’s market.
“Thank you for taking me out of the house,” I told her.
“You’re welcome,” Jessica said, smug as a cat who’d gotten the cream. “But you can’t mope around forever. I’m not letting you go back in there until I’m ready. Let’s get gelato.”
We walked from the farmer’s market to Devine Gelato, which was my favorite.
“Hi! Could I get three scoops, please? After Dinner Mint, Rainbow, and Cookies and Cream.”
Jessica shook her head. “That’s way too much.”
“Fuck it,” I told her, giving my credit card to the girl behind the counter who was wearing a cute apron. “You only live once.”
Jessica got a mini cone of raspberry sorbet for $3. We sat down under a big umbrella and devoured our ice cream. She was done within a few minutes. She started talking about ombré hairstyles while I concentrated on eating a mountain of gelato before it melted.
We were getting a lot of looks from the young backpackers walking by us.
“Look at the way she’s licking the spoon,” one guy said, nudging the other.
“Fuck off,” Jessica said, looking at her nails. “Go home, little boys.”
They walked off like offended cats.
I snorted even though I was still trying to plow through my gelato. “Oh my goodness, you’re so ballsy.”
Jessica sniffed. “Whatever. Where I come from, we don’t take shit.”
I smiled. “Bronx born and bred.”
She waved her hand at me. “This gel manicure is supposed to last forever but seriously, I’m going to have to get a touch-up.”
“Yeah,” I said, although I couldn’t see anything wrong with her nails.
“I swear, being a girl is so expensive.”
I just nodded and focused on the last layer of my gelato. I was full at the end of the second scoop, but I was still eating like a champ.
“I want to walk all the way up to the Botanic Gardens,” she told me.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving up the ghost and tossing the rest of my gelato into the light blue trash can next to our table. “I can’t eat anymore.”
We got up and walked down the Esplanade. It felt different to walk with a girl than it did to walk there with Massimo. I wondered if I could exorcize his ghost with Jessica. If anybody could do it, she could.
She talked about mud crabs and crocodiles as we walked. I focused on not running into anybody. By the time we’d made it all the way to the Botanic Gardens, I’d seen more wildlife in an hour that I normally saw in a week.
“Do you actually want to go into the gardens?” I asked her.
“Nah,” she said.
So we turned around and walked back downtown, to Parramatta Park. By the time that we got there, I was parched.
“I need water,” I said. There were technically water stations along the Esplanade, but there was a strong taste of chlorine that I really didn’t like. I got out a bottle of lemon cordial and a whole bunch of ice. I’d never had lemon cordial before seeing it in the supermarket and impulsively buying it. Back in Florida, we drank sweet tea. But I mixed some lemon cordial for the two of us. We sat down on our couch and Jessica put on Netflix. Australian Netflix had a different selection from the one back home, but we found an old romantic comedy and called it good.
By the end of the movie, our lemon cordial was gone and my eyelids were feeling heavy.
“I’m going to shower and sleep,” I told her.
Jessica checked her phone. “It’s only 5.”
“I’m exhausted and it’ll be dark in an hour.”
She shrugged. “Whatever.”
I trudged up the stairs to my room and turned on the shower for a 2-minute scrub and rinse. I didn’t bother to dry my hair or anything. I just flopped belly-down like a starfish onto my bed and passed out.
Very Sick
I woke up in the morning and checked my phone. There was another text message.
I want to see you.
My heart started beating faster. Did he want a repeat? Did he want to explain himself? I thought about it for a few more minutes before I replied at all.
Aren't you too busy?
Not for you.
I thought about it.
When?
Let's go to McGinty's at 5:30.
See you there.
I hoped he had a good explanation.
When I got there, he had a table near the entrance with a pitcher of beer.
I didn’t waste time saying hello or asking how he was. “So when you were talking about your father dying and inheriting the family business..."
"I was talking about inheriting a kingdom, yes."
"It makes sense that you were talking about your legacy now."
"You don't know what it's like, waking up every morning and checking my phone, expecting someone to text me that my father is dying."
"It's Stage 4 metastatic cancer. So yeah, you're going to be afraid on a daily basis that you're going to inherit a crown."
"I know."
I didn't know what to say. I felt like I knew so much about him and his heart, but I knew nearly nothing. He was a prince.
I was a commoner. I had family back in Tappahannock Valley
and grew up in Camden. I'd grown up without heat in the winter, which was part of why I’d moved to Florida when I got the chance.
He was the result of hundreds of years of Italian civil war and had a kingdom with a history that went further than I could even trace my family tree.
"It's a lot to take in," I said. "What does that mean for you? You're supposed to pop out a ton of kids, right, for the line of succession? I don't even think I want kids."
He rubbed his eyebrow with his right hand. "I think I'll have kids in the future."
"It's one of your primary duties, though, producing heirs."
"It's not one that I need to get to today or even tomorrow."
"You can't be serious with a commoner. You should be marrying some girl with a dozen names and royal blood."
"You're what I want." He gestured with his hand. “It’s just you.”
I crossed my arms. "What if you aren't what I want? Did you ever consider that?"
"You have something inside of you that is unlike anybody I've ever met. I'd like to explore it further."
I thought about the fire that I felt inside of him, the caged volcano that was waiting to erupt. "I should break up with you. Being a prince isn't something you should have concealed."
"Don't you think it was nice not to think about how many bodyguards are around me and staying inside of a security perimeter? Because you didn't know, they've been blending into the crowd. I doubt you could pick their faces out of a line-up. Now that you know, we'll have to be more visibly careful about security."
My mouth was dry. "You're assuming that we'll stay together."
"I know we will," the arrogant prince said. The confidence in his voice made it sound like it was a foregone conclusion. His hand engulfed mine. "Don't you want to know how good we can be together?"
"I do," I whispered.
"Let me show you." He kissed my hand. "We can be happy together."
He made something unbelievably hard seem simple and easy. There was a rock sitting in my stomach that could see me sitting on the sidelines one day while he married a perfect princess. And I'd love him and lose him because he had duties that went beyond his own desires. Was I willing to fall in love with someone who would inevitably break my heart?