by Amber Garza
I had no idea what any of them tasted like, but mint sounded the most familiar so I went with that. While Kyler boiled some water on the stove, I opened the cupboard and pulled out two mugs. As I carried them to the counter, a loud crash startled me. Losing my grip on both of the cups, they slipped from my fingers and plummeted to the floor. Both of them shattered on impact. With horror, I realized that one of them was Kyler’s I LOVE AUTHORS mug. He drank out of it almost every day. Now the words were separated like the pieces of a puzzle. They taunted me from where they lay on the ground. And why had I dropped them anyway? It was probably thunder. Why did I have to be so jumpy?
“Oh, my god. I’m so sorry.” Instinctually I ducked down, covering my head with my hands. When I closed my eyes, I saw the fists coming. I felt them as they hit me. I heard the words. Useless. Stupid. Klutz. Worthless. My knees hit the ground, a shard of ceramic piercing the flesh of my knee, but I didn’t move. I was paralyzed by fear and shame.
“Jade.” Kyler’s hand closed around my wrist. He yanked me up to a standing position.
I kept my eyes shut, afraid to look into his eyes, scared to see the anger inside. I wasn’t sure I could take it. In the past I’d gotten used to the look. I’d become immune to it even. But I cared too much about what Kyler thought. Seeing that look in his eyes would kill me, I was sure of it.
He tucked his finger under my chin. “Open your eyes, please.”
Too afraid to disobey, I did as I was told.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” He spoke slowly, punctuating each word.
I nodded, knowing it was true. In fact, I’d known it all along. Why did I ever think he was going to? “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I-I- just--”
Kyler placed his index finger over my lips. “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong.”
Broken pieces of Kyler’s mugs were scattered near my feet. “I broke your mugs.” My lips trembled underneath his finger.
“I told you the other night that I don’t care about things. They’re replaceable.” His finger left my mouth and trailed across my cheek. When his fingertips landed on my scars, I inhaled sharply. No one touched me there. It felt odd. Wrong. I wanted to shove his hand away, to scream at him, to make him stop. But the sincerity in his eyes kept me from doing that. The pads of his fingers ran along every ridge and bump, every horrific detail, but he never looked away. He never grimaced or frowned. “Things are replaceable. They can break or be thrown away. They can be burned or damaged, and I could care less. Material things mean nothing to me.” His gaze met mine. “People matter, Jade. It’s people who mean something.”
Moisture pricked behind my eyes, and I rapidly blinked it back. My heart split open again, and I felt it as it ripped and tore. Sheer agony. The tea whistled from the stove, and Kyler drew his hand back. The places where he’d touched me burned. But not the way it burned when my skin was on fire. No, this was different. This was a good kind of burn, like when the sun kisses your skin on a hot day or when you take a warm bath when you’re cold.
His touch had ignited something in me. Something foreign. Something exciting. Something absolutely terrifying.
TWELVE
“I didn’t know dogs snored.” I glanced down at Edgar who slept near my feet.
“Well, that’s because Edgar is more human than dog.” Kyler peered up from his book. The glasses perched on the end of his nose made his silver eyes look even larger. “He also dreams.”
“No way.” I sat forward on the couch, peering down at the dog. He twitched and let out a small bark. His legs moved as if he thought he was running.
“See.” Kyler smiled.
I watched the dog with amusement as Kyler returned his attention to his book. The wind rattled against the side of the house, and I glanced out the front window. I took in the pitch black sky, the crescent moon, and the splattering of bright stars. A tree branch swayed, and a leaf skittered past the window as if flying. I reached over to the end table and picked up my mug of hot tea. Mint tingled on my tongue when I took a sip. Warmth slid down my throat, coating it. This was how I spent my nights now. Reading on the couch and sipping tea with Kyler. My former friends would seriously crack up if they could see me. They would say I had turned into an old lady. And I would have to agree.
Often I wondered if Kyler’s grandma haunted this house, if her spirit was alive in Kyler and me. Maybe that’s why this place made us behave like we were eighty. Kyler certainly had the old man vibe going. Then a thought struck me that made my stomach sour. Perhaps it had nothing to do with that at all. Maybe Kyler stayed in because of me, out of some twisted desire to protect me or something. I had been pretty paranoid when I first arrived.
I glanced over at him. “What did you used to do? You know, before I came here? Surely you didn’t spend every night alone in this house reading books.”
Kyler took off his glasses and set them on top of the pages of his book. When he looked up at me, he wore a perplexed expression. “I thought you liked reading.”
“I do.” I ran my fingernail over my pajama pants. A jagged edge caught on the soft material, and I yanked it out. “It’s just that, you’re only twenty-five and you live the life of an eighty-five year old.”
Kyler grinned in amusement. “You think only eighty-five year-olds read in the evening?”
I squirmed in my seat. “No. I guess not. But don’t you ever want to go out at night and do something fun and exciting?”
“I think reading is exciting. In a book I can go anywhere in the world.”
I stared at him, dumbfounded. Was this guy for real? “You don’t have any desire to go anywhere like in real life?”
“Not anymore,” he muttered under his breath. The words were so soft I barely caught them, and I got the impression he didn’t think I did. There was a flicker of something in his eyes. It looked to me like regret.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He shook his head. “Look, Jade, if you want to go out, you can. But I prefer to stay in. I guess it’s my personality. If that makes me seem like an old man, then so be it.”
“No, I’m good here.” I studied him as he put his glasses back on and returned his attention to his book. What was he hiding from? It was clear I wasn’t going to get him to open up about tonight, so I changed the subject. “What are you reading?”
“Stephen King’s ‘It’.”
I shivered. “Is that the one about clowns? I cannot read that. Clowns are so creepy.”
He snapped his fingers. “Dang, there goes my plan to hire one for your birthday party. I guess I’ll have to move on to plan B.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I can’t read his books. They freak me out.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I don’t know how you do it. Doesn’t it scare you to read a horror book at night?” I looked out the window again, at the wind howling and the trees bending in the breeze, their branches and leaves whipping around. “Especially during a storm?”
“Books don’t scare me. They’re made up. It’s real life that’s scary. I’ve seen the horrors people inflict on each other.” His gaze reached my face, sliding over my scars. The skin beneath them heated up, and I felt a buzzing along my flesh. “That’s what terrifies me.”
Uncomfortable, I lowered my head. Swallowing hard, I opened my book to the chapter I was on and started reading. I could feel Kyler’s eyes on me for a few minutes, but then he started reading again as well. My shoulders relaxed.
Clara was still drawn to him. It didn’t matter what I said or did. It was him she chose to spend her time with.
It was still him she wanted. Not me. Never me.
I lifted my fingers to turn the page when darkness enveloped me. My skin prickled, my stomach dropped. It was so dark I couldn’t see anything at all.
“Kyler?” My voice wavered.
Edgar barked.
“I’m right here.” Kyler’s fingers found my shoulder, so
ft like a caress.
I exhaled.
“It’s okay. The storm probably knocked out the power lines or something.” He squeezed my shoulder gently. I was grateful for his touch, since I still couldn’t see anything. “I’ve got plenty of matches and candles in the closet.”
“Candles? Matches?” I found it hard to draw breath. Candles were something I never liked. I hated the way the flame danced above the wick, constantly lit.
“But we don’t have to use candles,” Kyler said. “I’ve got plenty of flashlights.”
I was grateful for his suggestion. “Okay.”
“I’ll go round all of them up. Will you be okay here on the couch?”
I nodded.
“Jade?”
Feeling silly, I realized he couldn’t see me. “Yes. I’ll be fine.”
His hand left my shoulder and the couch sloped, creaked. I heard his feet shuffle on the ground, getting further away. When Edgar’s paw touched my leg, I let out a tiny squeal. My heart picked up speed.
“Jade?” Kyler called from down the hallway. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” I let out a stilted laugh. “Edgar startled me.”
“He’s known to do that.”
A light flared down the hall.
“Found one flashlight,” Kyler explained. “I think I have a couple more in my room.” His feet stomped along the hardwood floors.
Thunder rumbled and lightning glimmered across the sky. Edgar barked and leapt up. Without warning, he scurried toward Kyler. Not wanting to be alone anymore, I hopped off the couch and followed suit. A light bounced around Kyler’s room, painting a bluish stripe on the wall. I hovered at the edge of his doorway like a butterfly over a flower.
“Jade?” Kyler appeared, holding three flashlights in his hand. Only one was lit. He had it held upward, and an eerie glow cast over his face. A chill brushed over me. “What are you doing in here?”
He repositioned the flashlight and it hit me in the eyes. I rubbed my hands over my arms, glancing away from the harsh light. “I-I…um…didn’t want to be alone.”
“Oh.” His eyes shifted around. He moved to stand directly in front of me as if blocking me from seeing inside his room. “Okay. Well, I found the flashlights.” He touched my arm, guiding me away from the doorway. “C’mon, Edgar.” The minute the dog bounded into the hallway Kyler closed the door securely behind them. The click reverberated through my body. As he guided me down the hallway, I wondered if he was hiding something or if I was being my usual overly-suspicious self. When I peered up at him, he gave me an open smile, and I felt my fears dissipate.
THIRTEEN
His boot shoved against the back of my leg, and I almost lost my balance. After teetering on the balls of my feet for a moment, I righted myself. Then I wished I hadn’t. It would piss him off more. I should have allowed myself to fall over.
“This place is a goddamn pigsty,” he spat. “Why don’t you get off your lazy ass and clean it up?”
I bit back angry words. How dare he accuse me of being lazy. He hadn’t left the couch in days unless it was to grab a beer from the fridge. But I knew better than to question him. Without a word, I went into the kitchen and filled the dishwasher. After slamming it closed, I turned around and walked straight into his chest. The sudden movement caused him to drop his beer.
“Dammit, Jade, watch where you’re going!” He shoved me hard. My body hurled backwards, my back slamming into the countertop. I bit my tongue, the sharp points of my teeth slicing through it. Blood filled my mouth.
“Sorry.” I snatched a dirty rag off the counter. “I’ll clean it up.”
“Damn right you’ll clean it up.” He opened the fridge, grabbing out another beer. I was grateful he wasn’t berating me at the moment. When he headed back to the couch, I allowed my chest to expand. Bending over, I wiped the rag over the warped linoleum floor. It buckled in the middle and curled up around the edges. Once all the beer was cleaned up, I stood, chucking the rag into the garbage can. It was easier to toss it. We hardly ever did laundry. The garbage was so full, it overflowed. A few cans fell out of it and clanged on the floor.
Hands quivering, I quickly gathered them up. Then I yanked the bag out of the can and headed toward the apartment door.
His head whipped in my direction. “Where’re you going?”
I held up the bag. “Taking out the trash. You said to clean up.” Reaching out my hand, I turned the knob and opened the door. As I stepped outside, he came up behind me. Instinctively, I stiffened, but I fought the urge to hold up my hands or cower. When I did that things always got worse. The beating would become more severe. Better to let it happen.
“Two minutes, Jade. Your ass better be back here in two minutes or I’ll come looking for you.”
My skin crawled as I walked forward. I could feel his gaze as it bore into the back of my head. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a group of teenage boys standing outside. Humiliation surfaced, realizing that they probably heard what he said to me. It’s not like he ever spoke softly. His usual tone was a yell. Peeking up through my long hair, I recognized one of the boys as my neighbor. He quickly looked over in my direction, but I turned my head, allowing my hair to fall over my face like a shield. Not that I could truly hide from him. I was sure that he knew what went on inside my home. Our shared walls were thin, and sometimes I caught him watching me with curiosity as if I was a character on some sick and twisted reality show. With my head ducked down, I walked swiftly in my bare feet toward the dumpster. I could hear whispering behind my back, but I ignored it. That’s what I had gotten good at. Ignoring things, blocking them out. It was the only way I could cope.
It was early Saturday morning. Kyler was in his room getting ready, and I was sweeping the kitchen floor. Leaning over, I scooped the dirt into the dustpan. A shadow cast over me as I straightened back up.
“What are you doing?” Kyler stood in front of me, his fingers shoved into the pocket of his jeans, his hair wet. He smelled like mint shampoo and soap.
“Cleaning the kitchen.” I dumped the contents of the dustpan into the trash.
“Not today.” Kyler pried the dustpan and broom from my fingers. He set them in the corner of the kitchen and rubbed his palms together. “Today is Saturday, so that means no working.”
“Really? Even for you?” I placed a hand on my hip.
Kyler grinned. “Even for me.”
“So you’re not planning to sneak in any writing time today?” I was skeptical.
“I promise. Today I want to take a break from writing and spend the whole day with you and Edgar.”
I raised a brow. “What’s the occasion?”
“No occasion.” He shrugged as he moved toward the counter. “Want some coffee?”
“Sure.” I watched his back, wondering what had gotten into him. Normally he couldn’t tear himself away from his computer. While he scooped a heaping spoonful of coffee grounds into the pot, there was a knock on the door. My pulse spiked. Kyler craned his neck, his brows knit together. When I glanced out the window I saw a florist van parked in the driveway.
“You expecting flowers?” I asked.
Kyler groaned. “Yes, actually.” He didn’t look happy about it as he headed toward the front door. Curiosity overtook me. Leaning forward, I listened intently as he spoke with the man from the floral shop, thanking him for the delivery. When he returned to the kitchen he held a bouquet of brightly colored flowers in his hand. From where I stood with my back resting against the counter, I could see the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY written in bright blue on the card sticking out of the top.
“It’s your birthday?”
Kyler nodded, setting the flowers down on the countertop. “My parents insist on sending me flowers every year on my birthday. I don’t know why. I guess they don’t know what else to send.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?’
“It’s not a big deal. Everyone has birthdays. It’s not like it’s an accomplishment. You don’t have
to achieve anything.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “You’ve achieved another year of life.”
Kyler pressed the button on the coffee maker and the sweet scent of coffee filled the small kitchen. “True.” He turned to face me.
“I wish you had told me. I would’ve gotten you something.” I hugged myself.
“It’s fine.” He waved away my words with a flick of his wrist. “I don’t need anything.”
“I know.” I stared at my feet. “But you’ve done so much for me and now I feel bad because I have nothing to give you for your birthday.”
“Jade, don’t you know by now?” Kyler bridged the gap between us. His hands came up around my arms. “You being here is gift enough. I don’t need anything else from you.” His fingers brushed over the bare skin on my arms until his hands rested at my shoulders. Our eyes locked, and my heart crumbled underneath his intense gaze. There goes another wall. I closed my eyes, feeling his hands in my hair, on my neck, framing my face. “Jade.” I popped my eyes open. “I won’t do anything without your permission.” His lips were so close they almost touched mine. The warmth of his breath fanned over my mouth as he spoke. “I need you to give me the okay.”
There was no way I could turn him down again. A girl only had so much self-control. Slowly, I nodded.
He swallowed. “I need you to say it. I need to know that you mean it.”
I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to speak. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to utter the words. “I-I-” I paused. Could I say it? When my gaze dropped to his mouth, to his full lips that I wanted to taste so badly, I knew I had to. “I want you to kiss me, Kyler.”
His gaze dropped to my lips and for a moment he studied them like they were the most spectacular things in the world. He tightened his hold on my face, but not in a harsh way. Hesitantly I reached up and placed my hands on his hips. He moved closer, his heart pounding against my chest. It gave me satisfaction to know it was beating as erratically as mine was.
His top lip barely brushed mine. “Are you sure about this?”