I sleep so long I get sick of it.
On the third day, visitors arrive. Leo and Nuria.
Nervous to see them, I pretend that I’m still getting dressed. I can hear their worried whispers in the adjoining room.
“We shouldn’t disturb her,” Nuria mutters.
“There’s going to be a wedding and a coronation,” Leo says. “She has to be there!”
“These things take time.”
A coronation? A wedding? I thought that I wanted to be someone else, or even no one. But I am someone—I am Renata Convida—and at the sound of Leo’s voice, I realize that I never want to be anyone other than who I have always been.
I step into the living area. Leo is dashing as ever in a violet suede suit and artfully coiffed hair. Nuria wears black trousers tapered to her figure with a high-collared capelet and corset that make her look regal.
“I go to sleep for a few days, and people are already getting married?” I ask.
Leo gasps and embraces me so hard we almost fall over. I hold his face in my hands and kiss his forehead.
“Look at that,” he says with airy charm. “One look at me and everything came swimming back to her. My power is extraordinary.”
I sob and laugh at the same time. As I eat the food they’ve brought, Nuria and Leo catch me up on the goings-on in the kingdom. A meeting of delegates from the provincias will be held after Castian’s formal coronation. The Arias family has been given additional lands after the discovery that Fernando killed the admiral. Lady Soria is pregnant with her third child. General Hector and Castian’s former nursemaid have eloped. It seems that the entire country is arriving in droves to meet the lost prince and the new king.
“That’s wonderful,” I say, and find I can speak the words without choking. Leo scrutinizes me out the corner of his eye but says nothing.
“Castian and Andrés have been campaigning together,” Nuria says. “The Arm of Justice has been disbanded. There is some resistance, but that was expected.”
“I’ve seen fighting in the streets.”
Leo nods gravely. “There are those who call for Castian’s head for patricide.”
“Really, it’s the anti-Moria sentiment. They don’t want a Moria king.” Nuria drinks, and though righteously frustrated, she doesn’t seem as worried as I’d expect.
“We are coming up with ways to bring the people together,” Leo says. “Even the empress of Luzou is returning for the coronation. Castian has asked Leyre to be the new ambassador between Luzou and Puerto Leones.”
“What about Fernando’s wife, Queen Josephine?”
Nuria takes a sip of her wine but arches her brow. “She was granted asylum, but she has chosen to return to Dauphinique. She is pregnant, however, and the child could make a claim to the throne when older.”
I press my hands against my temples. “I suppose that’s a matter for another day. Have you heard from the pirates?”
“Captain Argi has sent word. They’re coming ashore for the festivities.” Leo takes my hand and squeezes, as if he’s afraid that I’m going to vanish in the next moment. When Nuria sets her goblet down, I notice the sapphire ring on her finger. Castian’s mother is wearing it in the portrait just in the other room. I feel a knot in my throat, an ache that swells and spreads.
“You’re getting married,” I say, smiling as best as I can.
Nuria blanches. “It’s not what you think—”
“No, no, of course. It makes sense. The country is in turmoil and—”
“It’s Dez,” Leo blurts out, nearly bouncing off the chaise. He covers his mouth but keeps talking. “Lady Nuria is marrying General Andrés.”
Nuria laughs and pats his knee. “As you know, Renata, the Fajardos and the Tresoros families had a marriage alliance from the time of our grandfathers.”
“But Castian can make that go away,” I say. “You don’t ever again have to marry someone you don’t want.”
“That’s the thing,” Nuria explains. “The country needs stability. The people love me. They will fight for me should we be threatened. I have to lead them. What better way than to maintain this treaty?”
I remember the way Dez looked at her in the cellar, during the skirmish in Crescenti. “Dez agreed to it?”
“It was his idea.” Nuria flashes a devilish grin behind her wine. “I thought it might be odd considering Castian was my first love, and they’re brothers, after all.”
Leo shrugs. “Renata did it.”
I throw a pillow at his head and feel my entire body blush. “By the Lady, I missed you.”
Nuria beams with delight. “I find we are very much the same in some regard. And it would be divine to finally be married to someone I can actually take to bed. Now, Renata, spare no detail. I do not want to go to my wedding night unprepared.”
That’s the thing about coming back to life, I now feel ready for anything.
That night I go searching for him. I peer in our library, my old room, the courtyards, the gardens, but I find the king of Puerto Leones in the first place I should have looked. The kitchens. My breath comes too fast, and my racing pulse makes me dizzy.
Cas is sitting alone at a wooden table with his feet hooked on the bottom rungs of the stool. His tunic is rumpled, sleeves pushed up to his elbows. He slices a piece of olive oil cake with a thick layer of frosting. When he turns and sees me enter, he’s startled. I cross the room and stand in the space between his knees. He cups my face and drinks me in with his stare. I lean into his calloused palms.
“I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner,” I say, and kiss his cheeks, his jaw, his closed eyelids, his moon-shaped scar. “I was afraid. But it’s impossible to be in your room surrounded by your things and not think about you every single moment.”
“Nati.” He sighs, pulling me against his chest.
I cradle the back of his neck and touch our noses together. I climb on his lap, and he runs his hands along my spine, pressing me against him. When we kiss, I see the stars. The constellations of the alfaro he left at my bedside. The ones engraved on the sextant. The ones we kissed under on a hidden island in the middle of the sea. I pull him tighter, memorizing the beat of his heart against me.
“I heard you,” I whisper. I can’t explain the place I’ve been to. Not yet. But I want him to know that it was his voice that led me out of that dark water.
“Let’s go upstairs,” he says.
I chuckle against his lips. “It is your room. Where have you been sleeping?”
“The gardens,” he says, and kisses the line of my jaw. “The library.” His voice strains as he runs his palms down the thin fabric of my sleeping tunic. “Anywhere I could wallow and brood.”
“I suppose nothing has changed while I was gone,” I say.
“Everything has changed, Nati. You changed everything.”
The fervor in his voice tears something within me. I kiss him desperately, touch him everywhere. Suddenly, he shoots to his feet and slams himself against the doors, locking each entrance. I sit up on the sprawling wooden table and try not to think of what the cook would say if she saw us here. When he returns to me, he kisses me for so long my lips feel beautifully numb. Warmth melts along my skin as I pull up my tunic and guide his hands up the inside of my thighs.
“There’s cake on your face,” I tell him.
He looks confused, then indignant when I slather a finger of icing on his cheek.
“God, I love you,” he says, even as he shakes his head, pulling off his shirt.
His broad chest, which I have seen so many times, has a new marking—a tattoo of soft black lines right over his heart. It’s a peregrine falcon, the open wings feathering out over his pectorals.
I trace my fingers along it, then tug on the strings of his trousers. They fall around his knees in a soft crush of fabric. “Why did you do this?”
“It reminded me of you.” He lowers himself again over my face. “Then I realized you’re already a part of me, under my skin.”
The vulnerability in his words leaves me shaking. I answer him with a kiss, the rush of wanting to be closer to him even though every part of our bodies is touching.
And I know this is the perfect way to say good-bye.
IT IS GOING TO BE A BEAUTIFUL CORONATION, BUT I CAN’T STAY. I’VE ALREADY said my farewells to the people I love more times than I would like.
The palace is filled with lords and ladies, representatives from Dauphinique and even the Icelands. The pirates San Piedras cause an uncomfortable ripple among the gentry as they enter in their best silks and leather armor, bringing the energy of a powder keg in their eyes. The empress of Luzou arrives with her extensive entourage, and I swear Leyre has never looked happier. Castian pardoned Lord Las Rosas, and it seems that both parts of her life now fit.
I’m told there will be a place for me next to Cas tomorrow on the balcony overlooking the citadela market square in the east tower. I slip away to take a look while everyone is busy cleaning the rugs, polishing the crown and scepter, and making sure those protesting the first Moria king of Puerto Leones do not incite violence.
When I look over the square, I remember the riot, the day Cas supposedly beheaded Dez. I go back further in my mind and see the streets on fire, the forest fire that claimed my family’s life. I try to imagine standing here beside Castian as—what, exactly? The king’s lover? The king’s Robári? I try to imagine Castian sitting on the new throne made of gold and marble, staring at the spot where he killed his own father, reminded every day of his patricide, of the Whispers that he and Dez slaughtered, no matter how just. I try to imagine myself returning to the balcony where I killed Cebrián.
I think back to the glittering cave and the choice the Lady of Shadows presented me with. Did Cebrián return to the cave? Did he find his peace? She said that his path was different from mine, but deep down I’m not certain that’s true. I simply had people who wanted to save me. A tight spiral of light burns its way on the inside of my wrist.
“Don’t do it,” a voice says behind me.
I turn around to find Dez. He’s dressed in silver and cobalt blue, the colors of his fiancée’s house. His large muscles look constricted in the doublet and fitted trousers, and he keeps running his hand through his oiled hair, which Leo continuously yells at him about.
I smile wide. “Don’t do what?”
“I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. You should stay here with us. I just got my brother back. I can’t lose you.”
“I’m right here, Dez,” I say, which is not exactly a lie. I am here. I simply didn’t specify for how long.
I try to speak with Castian before the coronation proceedings, but there are simply too many people primping him. There is even someone to make sure the king’s sash is placed in the precise way. Cas, of course, looks like he’d rather be naked on a sandbar with the sun darkening the freckles on his ass. But he takes everything in good stride.
We have one moment to ourselves. He finds me in the garden, the one where we once danced together. His eyes drink me in, and every doubt vanishes when I step into his arms and devour his kiss.
“Steal away with me to the library?” he whispers.
I accept the hand he offers. My gown, a turquoise blue that fades into green, was selected by Leo. It’s brighter than anything I’ve ever worn, and feels like being embraced by the sea that was our home for a little while.
“Cas—”
“There you are!” Before I can even start, Leo, Dez, and several people whose jobs I’m not entirely sure of grab Castian and rattle off a series of things going wrong. Protesters are camped in the courtyard, and a drunk ambassador is being held at a tavern without coin. Castian gives me an apologetic look, still reaching for me as they drag him away. I try to hide my disappointment, but Dez knows me better than most.
“I’ll talk to him,” Dez assures me, and plants a kiss on my cheek.
I slowly make my way through the hedges, passing couples coupling and revelers reveling. Back in the ballroom I search the crowd for a familiar face. I spot the pirates gathered in a corner watching the passing crowds. Out of all the Whispers, I’ve only found Margo, who is never far from her little sister.
“Come, Renata!” Argi says. “It’s a party, but you look as if you’re going to your funeral.”
“Did you hear the news?” Elixa asks, her cheeks red with joy. “Maryam and I are going to stay with my sister.”
“What about you, Robári?” Argi asks. “I’ve got a spot in my crew if you’re up for it.”
I glance around at the glittering people of the kingdom. Castian has Dez and Nuria and good, loyal people around him. Me? I am like the Princess of the Glaciers, and Castian’s own words from our days at sea ring true. Sometimes you return to a place, and it no longer feels familiar. Not because it’s changed, but because you have, and there isn’t anything you can do to get that feeling back.
I try to imagine being part of this kingdom, and I know, in my heart, that I can’t.
Not now and perhaps not ever.
Your work is done, Renata.
Argi gives me her knowing grin. “What do you say?”
Moments before the coronation, Argi is waiting for me outside my room. She’s got a bottle of amber liquor and a crystal goblet that she most definitely stole.
“Ready?” she asks.
And I feel I can honestly say, “I am.”
I strap my small satchel across my chest with the few things I can carry—one change of clothes, an alman stone, a quill, a seashell I stole from Castian’s room. I can sell or barter the dress. These are my worldly possessions.
The trumpets sound, and a wave of applause fills the air. I tell myself not to look back, to just keep walking out of the gardens, out the servants’ door of the palace. I can smell the wet cement that is still drying, solidifying the kingdom’s decision to fill the dungeons and shut them forever. I hear the ecstatic noise of the crowd welcoming their new king. People flood the streets, and I know that if we had left any later, we would never have been able to get out of the capital.
Argi, thankfully, talks most of the way as our carriage ambles down the road. Two of the younger pirates who were thrilled to attend such a celebration name all their favorite moments and unload their pockets of things they pilfered. I lose track of time, and we’re at port by nightfall. The Riomar night market bustles with travelers. Stalls offer grilled scallop pinxos, and fortune-tellers divine the futures of gullible sailors spilling from the taverns and brothels. Torches light the boardwalk where people take a moonlit stroll.
We reach the end of the harbor and disembark. The Madre del Mar is a welcome sight with her billowing sails and colorful flag.
“Welcome home,” Argi says, and grins as she leads the way up the ramp. “We set sail at first light.”
I glance at the towering masts of the Madre del Mar. A gaggle of younger pirates San Piedras sit along the rail with a single oil lamp between them, greeting their captain. Argi watches from the deck and pours herself a drink of her stolen liquor.
I take a moment to breathe in Puerto Leones one last time. Sizzling meats and fish from the food stalls. Strong aguadulce and cider. Dyes from the industrial sector. I can find these things, and perhaps even more wonders, at any port.
But a deep longing coils in my stomach because there is one thing the rest of the known and unknown worlds don’t have.
Distant shouting draws my attention to the boardwalk. The crushing gallop of hooves seems to tremble the entire dock. Vendors lean out of their stalls, sailors stop what they’re doing, and more pirates gather along the ship’s railing. Even before he’s close enough to recognize, I know it’s him. Castian, the king of Puerto Leones, blazing toward me on a steel-gray Andalucían horse. Cries of awe and disbelief echo through the market.
The steed rears to a stop, and Cas dismounts. There’s dirt on his new tunic, and his sash is very much out of place. He is windswept and panting, and when I see him,
my body takes over, and I quickly close the distance between us. He gathers me against him, fingers digging into my waist as I reach for a kiss he denies me.
“You would leave me?” Hurt tears through his features.
I grab the front of his doublet. “You have a country to lead.”
“No, I don’t.” Cas’s smile is defiant, like a man daring lightning to strike. “Not anymore. But my brother does.”
“Cas—” I want this. I want this more than anything. “You can’t do this. Not for me.”
“You and I both know what it’s like to not be able to return to the world, to feel like you don’t belong to it.” His hold on me softens, and he caresses the bare skin of my arms. “I don’t care if we’re in the middle of the sea or on one of the thousand isles of Luzou. Hate me, love me, have me. Wherever you are, that’s my kingdom, Nati, and you are my queen.”
I push up on my toes and kiss him, aware of the cheers and whistles that go up at our display.
Castian leans back and shouts, “What do you say, Captain? Do you have room for another on your crew?”
Argi takes a swig from her stolen goblet, then slowly her smile spreads. “It would be my honor.”
The tension I’ve held since I returned to this life releases. I trace the edges of Cas’s face, a face I had committed to memory with the intention of never seeing it again. Now that he’s here I don’t want to let him go. He is etched in every good and terrible memory, and I no longer need to separate them as I know who we are—we are a broken past and an unspoken promise.
“Well?” Captain Argi shouts as she pounds the side of her fist on the ledge. “Do you want a formal letter? Bring the Lion Cub on! The horse, too, while you’re at it.”
Cas and I come aboard the Madre del Mar—a king without a crown, and a Whisper who will never again be silenced.
Illusionary Page 29