by L. Ann Marie
I put my hand up. “I’m not doing this. My boy died, he’s here and healthy. She’s still here and she’s breathing on her own. Nothing is written and I will not spend one fuckin’ minute of my time on a maybe. I’ll wait and deal with whatever the fuck happens when I need to, but I will not let her go and I am not leaving her.”
She walks out. Dakota looks at me. “I will not say anything that gets me kicked out too.”
I laugh and kiss Phoenix’s head.
Chapter Twelve
Two weeks
Little Ben
“Today is the day little man. You ready for this?” I slide his little shoe on. I don’t know why I bother, it’s going to be off and lost in the next ten minutes.
I hear the door and turn. “You ready Brother?”
“Yeah.” I pick up Teller and my dad takes Phoenix. Orderlies push the gurney out and we follow. Jessie gets in the ambulance and we get the boys in their seats in the truck. I follow them to the house.
Jake opens the door and Samantha comes down the stairs. “Everything is ready.”
“Thank you.” She came down to set up what we need. I had no fuckin’ clue what Lily would require, but she’s not going to some center that we can’t be in. My dad helps me get my boys in, we go right to the room. Fuck. It’s like the hospital room with the same kind of bed, a machine that does the heart stuff and a metal cabinet that I’m guessing holds the supplies she needs. “I don’t want her in here, Dad. She needs to be with her own things in our room.” I put Teller’s seat on the bed.
“Need a minute.” He walks out. I get Phoenix from the chair and put him by Teller.
I hear the gurney rolling downstairs. My dad comes back. “Move the bed.” I push it toward him and we move it to our room. He moved the chair and a dresser so the bed can go against the wall. I put the boys on our bed and go back to get the machine. My dad has the cabinet and puts it against the foot of the bed. I plug the machine in at the top of the bed.
“It’s not pretty, but it’s better.”
He nods. “It’s right.”
Samantha laughs. I walk to the door. “I like this better. Sorry. She needs to be in her room.”
She smiles. “It’s perfect. Let’s get her on the bed and I’ll hook up her monitor.”
I start taking the belts off her and Jake helps. I lift her and carry her to the bed with Jake following holding a bag and the IV. Samantha does her thing while I get the boys unclipped. When she’s done I put the boys on each side of her. They’re all sleeping. It’s a good picture.
Samantha talks to the nurse and gives me a hug. “Call me if you need me.”
“I will, thanks for doing this.”
Jake slaps my back and takes Samantha’s hand walking out. My dad watches the nurse. She checks everything and writes shit on an iPad that will send everything to Nick and Samantha. When she’s done she starts for the door. “You come in when you need to and do whatever she needs.”
She nods smiling at me. “I’ll take good care of her Mr. Knight.”
“Thank you.” Phoenix starts moving around so I pick him up. It must be time to eat. I take Teller in my other arm and my dad takes Phoenix from me. “I got them Dad. I’ve been doing it right along.”
“Yeah. You’re good. Not alone now, so I can help.”
I laugh following him out. We get the boys fed and changed. I go to the office and sit them in the seats I had brought in. My dad laughs. “I could carry their seats all over or have them in the rooms I need. I got four sets so I wouldn’t be looking for them.”
“Where’d the trailer go?”
I look from the computer to him. “The Center. The stuff from the family is in their room. The Princes all got them cards. Joey started an account so we’re not dealing with truckloads of shit every holiday and birthday.”
He nods. “Brothers are fuckin’ crazy. Cards are better.”
“Yeah.”
“Will send food later. Danny’s cookin’.”
“Thanks Dad.”
He doesn’t move. “Proud of you. Still runnin’ your Club. Got two boys to care for. Lily. You’re doin’ it right.”
I get up and hug him. “I’m doing it how you taught me to. I love you Dad.”
“Love you too, Son.” He turns and walks out. I smile. It always feels good to get that from him.
I get back to work. When I get to the weekly reports, I hear the nurse moving around upstairs. I take the boys and visit with Lily for a while. I tell her about everyone helping to get her home. The nurse empties a bag that’s got urine in it and it bothers me. I want to carry her to the bathroom again. I shake it off and tell her about the boys making weird noises when they’re apart. When I’m done I take them back to the office and finish my work for the day.
Alex comes over to help get the boys a bath and fed. He’s good with them and likes to help. I was surprised when he showed at the hospital. He told me he was good with babies and showed me pictures of him with the babies on his phone. He’s been helping ever since. He leaves when Nick shows.
“Samantha said everything went perfect.” He follows me upstairs carrying Teller.
“Yeah. The nurse has been in to see her every hour.” I smile at her coming out of my room.
I take Phoenix in while Nick’s talking to her. I put him on the bed and he makes his little noise. Nick comes in fast. “Sorry, I forgot I had him.” He puts Teller beside him and watches them.
I laugh. “They aren’t hurt; they’re just looking for each other.”
“It’s fuckin’ weird.” When he sees they’re fine he turns taking the iPad out of the holder on the machine. “Everything looks good.” He checks her anyway. There’s no bandage anymore so all there is for him is checking her vitals. “You have a therapist coming daily.”
“Yeah, I helped at the hospital too. I’ll keep it up.” He nods. I liked doing something besides sitting and talking to her. It’s a good way to keep my hands on her, my mind busy and her muscles moving.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He man hugs me and walks out.
Everyone is afraid to talk about her. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing until something changes, whether they want to hear it or not. I smile. “I like you being right here. The hospital room was starting to look like an office. I bet it feels good to be here to you too.” I get the boys out and put them on each side of her then pull the sheet off her. “I love that shirt.” I smile. She’s always in my shirts because that’s all I brought for her. I sit at the end of the bed and hold her feet moving her legs like she’s riding a bike. The boys watch so I tell them what this is all about. They seem pretty alert for being early. I can’t remember Jessie’s boys this young. Taylor lets me know he’s here. I finish her bike ride and fix her sheet. “I’m going to the porch babe. I’ll be back in a little while.”
I put the boys to bed liking them in their own room. “It came out nice Brother,” Darren says.
“Yeah.” I turn away and hit the lights switching from the overhead to the low lights. Everything glows.
We head down the back stairs and right out to the porch. Taylor and Jessie are already here with a beer for me and Darren. “Feels good to be home.”
“I bet. There’s no patio at the hospital,” Jessie says.
Taylor laughs. “Or beer.”
I smile. It feels good to have this again. They all have questions about Lily, but they don’t ask so I just start answering them.
“For as long as it takes Jessie.”
“Nothing has changed. There’s no pressure, but they’ll do tests again in a week. She has activity but she’s still in the coma.”
“Yeah they said it could be years or days. I’m not looking at anything but what I have right now.”
Darren looks at me. “We don’t ask because we know you can see it. If you want to talk we’re here. If you don’t we get it.”
I look away blinking. “Yeah.” They always have my back. Lily has never been a subject open for discus
sion so I guess this isn’t any different. They are all happy I’m home and this will be easier on me. I let it go and just watch the water.
“Are you and Dakota good for tomorrow Jessie?”
“Yeah. Your mom has the boys; Hyde is on the compound with regular Security. Dakota isn’t thrilled, but he’s got Ops. We’ll be fine.”
I smile at that; Dakota always says he’ll be fine. “We’ll be back by noon and I’ll let Dakota go. He’s fuckin’ good on Ops, I don’t know why he doesn’t like it.”
Darren laughs but Taylor answers. “It’s fuckin’ boring. You’re chained to a console watching the same feeds all fuckin’ day.”
“You run four hour shifts. All fuckin’ day.” Jessie cracks up.
“Feels like all day.” They start bantering back and forth and I look at Darren.
‘You didn’t miss much.’ He’s thinking.
I can’t help but laugh. It feels fuckin’ good to be home. I look at the water and think about sleeping with her on my chest. It’s been too long and I can’t wait to get her there. She needs to feel me holding on to her with my arms not just in the spirit world.
Chapter Thirteen
One week
Little Ben
“I’m taking them to see Anita and Deirdre today. Anita has been busy and needs some signatures. I can do that while I’m there.”
“You should sign up for some help Brother. Lily got it up and running for people to use when they need it.”
I look at him. “If I need help I ask. I don’t need the list.”
“You haven’t asked anyone for anything.”
“I don’t need anything Jessie. Alex comes every night to help. My mom, Jess, Jeremy and Brenda show at least once a week. I’m doing okay with my little guys and don’t need any more than what I have.”
He looks at Lily and hopes she wakes up soon. I do too. I kiss her lips and tell her we’ll be back soon. He kisses her cheek, making me smile, then takes Teller and carries him out. This is why I don’t need help. Him, Dakota, Taylor and Darren are always lending a hand. It’s the way Brotherhood should be. They don’t ask they just show up.
At the truck he clips Teller in and sits in the passenger seat. “Don’t you have shit to do today?”
“I’m doing it. With everyone working and you being home more I don’t see you. I’m taking a day a month and spending it with my Brothers. Taylor’s next.”
I smile. “I’m at Security six hours a day, but I’ll take it. I love the fuckin’ Brotherhood.”
He laughs. “It’s good to see you smile Brother.”
I think about that. I smile all the time with Lily and the boys. With everything on my mind I guess it’s not showing anywhere else. “I didn’t realize I wasn’t smiling anywhere but at home. I’m good Brother.”
He’s thinking he didn’t mean to make it sound bad. I’ve been intense. I guess I am, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. I have a job that people depend on me doing. I need to be focused to keep everyone safe. I’ll take intense.
Anita runs out opening the door as soon as I pull up. “Everything is on her desk. Let me at my boys. They’re getting big without me. Oh look at you child, you’ve grown an inch.” She’s got Phoenix and Jessie takes Teller. I walk in front of them opening the door. No one says hi anymore, they surround the babies and ignore me. I’m laughing walking into Lily’s office. I stop short slammed by the memory of her smiling from that desk. She needs to be at her desk. I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat. I need to do this for her today. I sit and read through everything before I sign it. Anita is applying for a grant and the paperwork is like a fuckin’ book. It’s for money for an aftercare program that will help set women up in the event that they don’t have families they can stay with when their need for the shelter is over. I thought we already did this.
I go find Anita. She’s got Teller now, Jessie is talking to Deirdre and a caseworker that has Phoenix. “I have some questions Anita.” She nods and hands Teller to Deirdre. “I might have some answers. Let’s go find out my handsome Prince.” I shake my head following her.
“Why the grant for aftercare?”
She sits smiling. “Lily got someone at the college to research and write it. I brought it to Kate and she said it was good. She’s putting in for one too. It will free up money for other programs.”
“The businesses we set up are covering the budget and Princes will cover the difference if anything is needed.”
She laughs. “Sometimes the smartest people I know are clueless. You think the MC doesn’t find a way to get Kate everything her heart desires? She doesn’t want money handed to her. She spent years working to know she brought good to her community. It’s not just the men that are proud of the Brotherhood. The women need to feel like they’re part of it too. They work just as hard, but in a different way. Give her this. Let her help in the ways she can.”
I look down and swallow that lump again. She didn’t use past tense. “I will, thank you.” I sign off on the grant and hand her the file standing up. “Call me if you need anything.”
“You know I will. Even if it’s just to see that pretty face.” I laugh and she hugs me. “We all believe child. You make it easy for us to. Go get your boys and tell their mamma that we miss her.”
“Yeah,” is all I can manage. She walks out and I take a minute to breathe. Nothing is written.
I take the boys to Security and everyone has them again. I can’t help smiling. I bet this is why women get depressed. They’re forgotten as soon as a baby is seen. I’ll make sure Lily doesn’t feel that. Jessie calls for lunch and Taylor takes a break with us. It feels good. We get the boys fed and changed and head back to the Compound. The guard gives me the mail as we pass through. At the house Jessie goes right upstairs. I drop the mail in the office on the way.
“Little Ben!”
I run. Jessie doesn’t do panic. I come through the door and stop, he’s staring at her. What the fuck? I look again and her eyes are open, but she’s not moving. I put the baby on the bed and bend over her. The monitor shows everything the same. “It took you long enough babe. Your boys can’t wait to hear your voice.”
She blinks and smiles. I feel the tears roll down my face and don’t give a fuck because I got my smile. She puts her hand on my face and it’s all I can do to keep standing.
“I’ll call Dakota.” Jessie walks out.
“I’ve missed you Lily.” I kiss her lips.
She looks confused. “What happened?” Her voice sounds funny, but I don’t want to let her go.
“You’ve been in a coma. A piece of the wind turbine hit you in the head. Our boys are here. Teller and Phoenix.”
She cries. “My babies are here. I didn’t feel them; I thought it was a dream.”
I lift her up watching out for her tubes and the bag on the side of the bed. “No Little Mamma. They’re here. Healthy and waiting to meet you.”
“Now. Can I see them now?”
I laugh putting her down. “Anything.” I get water and open it. She has trouble holding it so I don’t let it go. “I’m so fuckin’ happy to see you sitting up.”
“What’s wrong with my hands?” She has tears again.
“Let’s meet your boys. We’ll deal with that later.” I wipe her tears and get Phoenix out of his seat.
“My baby.”
“Yes. This is Phoenix. He likes laying against you. The first time he smiled was against your side.”
She cries, but I think it’s a good one. I put him in her left arm and she kisses him. “I’m so happy Phoenix. I love your name.”
“Jeremy named him.” I watch to make sure she can hold him before I get Teller. He makes his noise and I laugh. “If they’re separated they do that.” Phoenix answers making her laugh.
I pick up Teller and she smiles. “He’s going to look just like you.” He has a shock of dark straight hair. Phoenix is a little lighter and not as straight but they have the same face. “Thank God I
can tell them apart.”
I laugh. I thought the same thing. Dakota and Jessie laugh from the doorway. “I didn’t know you were here.” I smile at them.
“Always Brother,” Jessie says and I swallow the lump in my throat. Fuck.
“Yeah.”
“Is it okay for me to come in? I would like to make sure you are doing well Lily.”
“Please. There’s something wrong with my hands.” She has the tears again.
“Amanda is on her way,” Jessie tells us and I nod glad that she’s here. “I asked the nurse to wait for her. They went for some ice cream with the kids, it won’t be long.”
Dakota is holding Lily’s arm like he’s done every day. I wipe my face and watch. She’s still got Phoenix in her arm. I am so fuckin’ relieved. I have adrenaline running through me and feel like my skin is too tight. Dakota looks at Jessie. “Bring our Brother a drink to calm him down. He is fighting the urge to jump for joy.” I crack up. I’m so happy to see Lily laugh. Maybe a drink would be good.
“How long was I in a coma?”
I stop laughing. “Thirty-two days.”
She cries and holds Phoenix against her. “My babies have been here all this time. They’re so small. I wasn’t here for them.”
I move Dakota over and bend to kiss her. “They are healthy and happy. Nick checks on them almost every day and you’ve held them every day. You just don’t remember.”
She calms down and Dakota steps away. “I have seen you holding your babies Lily. Prez has made sure they know you. You have always felt them, now you get to see them.”
She smiles at him. “Yes.”
“I am happy you are back with us. The ancestors are smiling today. Our great leader has his princess back. This is a day to celebrate all that is.”
Lily laughs and I’m smiling. I love that sound. Someone is running up the stairs and I freeze wondering if I need my gun. No one else is moving. Amanda and Jeremy come running in the door. Jesus. I let my breath out.
Jeremy laughs and hugs me then goes right to Lily. “Hi.” I laugh.