by Cerys du Lys
I feel like I'd hear it if he was, but I don't hear anything, though. I find the door to her room, if you can even call it that. It's a storage room, mostly empty except for Angeline and some other random useless church shit. They've moved most of it to another storage room after keeping her down here, so what's left is just cobwebs and dust. It's real fucking cozy and warm, let me tell you. Like a fucking presidential suite at the Hilton.
I open the door to her room and let myself in. Yeah, fuck off, maybe that's rude. Should knock, right? I don't give a fuck. I'm here to rescue her.
When I go inside, I listen again, just to make sure. I hear something, but not much. It's just breathing, the sounds of Angeline sleeping. Carefully, I tiptoe over to her.
I don't know what to do now. Wake her up, yeah, but how? I don't want her to scream, but I feel like if I shove my hand over her mouth, I'm a huge fucking asshole, too. I mean, fuck, I'm sure she'll understand, but...
I don't know. I go over to her and get to my knees to figure this shit out, and she's already awake, staring at me. I don't know what she sees. Probably nothing good.
"Hey," I say.
"Hello, Noah," she says.
"Do you want to get out of here?" I say it like I'm asking her to just go hang out with me, all casual and friendly-like, you know? Like when you're at a party and you meet some chick and it's getting kind of boring, but she's cool, so you just ask her, hey, want to get out of here?
I've never done that before, but you get my drift.
"I should not do that," she says.
"I want you to do that," I say.
"Why?" she asks.
Why? What the fuck? I don't fucking know? I love you? Do we have to fucking make this difficult?
I don't say that. I'm not a fucking asshole yet, remember?
"I have a surprise for you," I say. I guess that's true?
"A surprise?" she asks. Her eyes are wider now. I think I've got her.
"Yeah."
"Alright," she says.
I hold out my hand and help her up. She stands on wobbly legs.
"Where are we going?" she asks.
"My house," I tell her.
We make it out of the church easily. It's almost too fucking easy. Why didn't I do this before? Oh, because, I don't fucking know, where am I supposed to bring her? I'm going to bring her to my house, but then what?
I'm honestly not sure. We can stay there tonight, and she can hide out there tomorrow, but I don't know what to do after that. How fucking nice will that be for her, though? She can sleep in my bed all day, not having to worry, just relaxing. Comfortable as fuck, that's what that is. That's what she deserves.
And then... I don't know. Maybe we'll leave. I know how to set traps and fish and scavenge for roots and berries and shit like that. Maybe we can live in a cave? Become cavemen or something. Who the fuck knows?
Maybe I can just tell my parents I'm done. I'm going. Sorry, mom, dad, thanks for everything, but I'm out. I've got to go. Can I borrow your car? I'll pay you back. Then Angeline and I get in it and we drive forever. Drive somewhere nice. I don't know where, just somewhere nice. Go to the fucking beach, walk on the sand, take a swim, whatever.
We sneak back to my house and I show her inside. I've never had anyone over, especially not a girl, but there's a first time for everything. It doesn't seem all that eventful, to be honest. I don't feel like this is a life changing event. It's just a thing I need to do.
It's something I want to do. Something I should've done a long time ago.
We go upstairs. The stairs creek a little, but we go slow, and thank fucking God neither of my parents wake up. I bring her to my room and lead her to the bed. She walks slow, confused. I have to literally make her sit down on the bed because she's just standing there, unsure what the fuck to do.
"I'll be right back," I say.
She gives me a tiny nod.
I hurry downstairs again, trying not to make a lot of noise, but now I'm excited. I go and get everything. Literally every fucking thing. Alright, it's not actually everything, but it's a lot. There's bread. I grab that. Peanut butter and fucking jelly, aw yeah. I bought this shit. I bought an entire fucking loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of jelly. It's grape. You don't like grape? Fuck off.
Soda, too. Orange. And some candy bars, like five different kinds. I've got a pound cake and some muffins, too. Not any sort of good ones, but the cheap ones you can buy in a box or wrapped in plastic. Good enough. What the fuck do you want me to do, make her a fucking cake?
If I knew how to bake a cake, I'd do it. Seems like one of those things that should be easy, since they have that stupid ass saying "piece of cake" and that's supposed to be easy or some shit, but baking a cake is not easy. It's not a piece of cake to bake a fucking cake.
Oh well, maybe next time.
Next time?
Yeah...
I bring all that shit upstairs, carrying it in a canvas tote bag. When I get back to my room, Angeline's gone. What the fuck?
Oh, no, there she is. She's huddled under the covers, peeking out at me, fingers curled around the edge, looking like a beautiful fucking nymph. God, I fucking love her. I don't know how she can be this fucking beautiful to me. I don't fucking deserve this.
She peeks out more when I bring the bag to the bed and start unloading it.
"What is that?" she asks me.
"Food," I say. "It's for us. You can have as much as you want."
"Really?" The way she says it is just so fucking adorable. I want to pinch her goddamn cheeks and kiss the fuck out of her.
"Yeah," I say.
"You too, right?" she asks.
"Yeah," I say.
I go to make sure my bedroom door is closed tight and locked. Just in case, I take the rickety chair in front of my desk and prop it up in front of the door, too. No one's getting in here. This is a safe fucking place tonight. It's my goddamn fucking castle, I'm a knight, and this is my princess. Fuck you.
When I go back to the bed, Angeline has her fingers in the peanut butter jar, scooping out fingerfuls and stuffing them in her mouth. I laugh a little too loud, then cover my mouth.
"What?" she tries to say, but her mouth and cheeks stick and it comes out as a cute little fucking mumble instead. Kind of a "Whufffft" sound.
"Here," I say. "Let me see that."
She gives me the jar of peanut butter. I rummage through the bag for the butter knife I brought, then take out some bread, and start slathering the fuck out of one of the pieces with peanut butter. I put jelly on the other, mash that shit together, and hand her a sandwich specially crafted by me, Noah, the pro fucking PB&J sandwich maker.
It's a kind of shitty looking sandwich, to be honest. I don't know how other people do it. The peanut butter ripped at the bread, so it's mushed up, and when I pressed the jelly half to the peanut butter half, it got a little scrunched. Angeline stares at it like it's a Gift from God Himself, though.
Then she stuffs it in her mouth. Not all of it, but close to half of it. She chews, chews, swallows, stuffs the other half in her mouth. I open the two-liter of orange soda and offer it to her. She chugs the fuck out of it, washing down the PB&J sandwich. When she's done, she pauses for a second, then hiccups. And hiccups again. She can't stop, and she starts to laugh.
She's so fucking beautiful. I can barely see her except for what little help the light from the moon gives me, but she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. She's the most beautiful girl I'll ever see.
I'm sorry. I just don't know how to explain to you how special she is to me. It's not just love, it's more than that.
Enough of this sob story emotional bullshit, though. I'm an asshole. I'm not a nice person.
I'm nice tonight, though. I'm nice for her.
I give her a candy bar next, and she eats this one slower. I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and we eat that together. I don't know whose idea it is, but we cut some muffins in half and then turn thos
e into peanut butter and jelly sandwich muffins or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Peanut butter under the muffin top and jelly on the bottom part, then smoosh them back together and eat them like that. It's good.
Peanut butter and jelly pound cake, too. We might have gone a little overboard there. By the time we're done, I think we've eaten fifty pounds of sugar each. Who the fuck cares? We're young enough, it'll be fine.
I don't remember why, but we go under the covers after that. I think it was her idea. It's dark here. I can feel her warm breath on my face. As an afterthought, I find the flashlight and flick it on. Now it's just us, just the two of us, only us, under the blankets, staring at each other's faces illuminated by the yellowish glow of the flashlight.
She smiles at me. She's got peanut butter and jelly on her lips, so I reach out and wipe them off, then hold out my finger for her. She licks it clean and smiles at me again.
Then I say the stupidest fucking thing I've ever said. I don't know what the fuck possessed me to say it
"Can I kiss you?"
She gives me a look. I don't know what that look is. What the fuck is that look? Is that a bad look? Fuck, I'm an idiot.
I start to apologize. Sorry, sorry. I mean, fuck, you've been through a ton of bad shit. Why the fuck would you want to kiss me? Not only that, but there's guys raping you like every fucking day, so maybe this is a touchy subject. I don't want to kiss you. I didn't mean to say that. I'm a fucking idiot. Sorry. Sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. It's wrong. Bad. I'm...
But then she's kissing me. I kiss her back. We're kissing. There's a flashlight somewhere and it's shining on us, but fuck if I know where it is.
"Is it hot under here?" I think I asked that, but I don't remember. It really was hot, though. It's the two of us hiding under some blankets in the middle of summer, so of course it's going to be hot.
One thing led to another...
That's the start of some really bad shit, let me tell you. If you ever find yourself saying that one thing led to another, then you need to seriously just fucking stop right there and re-evaluate what the fuck is going on.
I didn't re-evaluate shit. I lost my clothes. She was naked, too. We're still kissing. I love her. Fuck, I want to hold her. I hug her. I'm on top of her. I am seriously so fucking hard. I've never had sex before. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't want to hurt her. No, I'm not going to do that, I'm just kissing her. I'm just...
"I won't," I say. "I'm not trying to have sex with you or anything."
"Alright," she says.
"I mean, it's not because I don't like you," I add. "I like you, Angeline. I think you're pretty."
Pretty? Wow, I'm a fucking jackass. I think you're a goddamn fucking beautiful bitch, alright? You're my gorgeous fucking princess.
"Do you want to?" she asks.
Let's just be fucking honest, alright? "Yeah," I say. "I do, but... but not if you don't want to."
"I want to," she says.
Well, fuck. What am I supposed to say to that?
"I don't want to do it," I say. No, um... no. I fucked that up. Let me restart. I get a do over, right? "I, uh... I don't want to do it for me, I mean. If you want to, I want to do it for you. I want you to feel special."
"Yes," she says. "I want to. Please."
She kisses me. I kiss her. I can't. I can't do this. I'm not going to. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. There's something wrong with her. Maybe there's something wrong with me, because I can't see anything wrong with her. There's nothing wrong with her; she's perfect.
She grabs my hips and pulls me towards her and I just go because I think she wants a hug or something? Fuck if I know. Half a second later, I realize that I'm inside of her. My penis has slipped inside of her vagina. That's what I thought, no fucking joke. I wish I could do that one over, because it's a stupid fucking thought. Kind of makes me laugh thinking about it, actually.
It was really nice. She's so wet and warm. I didn't know what the fuck sex felt like. I masturbated before, sure, but this is on an entirely different level. There's sensations and shit I'd just never even knew existed before now. I push forward the rest of the way all on my own until I'm all the way inside of her, and that's it. I'm done.
Literally, that's it. What a fucking asshole I was. I stop thinking, can't even fucking think about anything, and I just blow my load right there. Anticlimactic as fuck, that's what that is.
Angeline feels it and she starts to giggle.
"Sorry," I say. "I didn't, um... I didn't mean to do that. I didn't."
I try to pull out of her, because I'm basically useless and an idiot, but she clings to me.
"No. Please? Stay?"
Yeah, fuck, of course I stay. She just asked me to stay, so what the fuck else am I going to do? I like it, too. I like the feeling of us together. I like how I feel inside of her, but it's more than that, too. I like how it feels when we're this close together. I can feel her body beneath mine, feel her breathing. I can feel her heartbeat touching mine, chest to chest. I can feel all of her. She feels perfect.
I'm hard again. It doesn't take long. It barely even feels like we stopped and now we're starting again. This time is better. I know what to expect. Sort of. I mean, fuck, this is the first time I've done this; or, I guess it's the second time now. Does it count as the second since we never really stopped?
You know what? That's a stupid fucking question. I literally do not give a fuck.
She's beautiful. I want to make this special for her. Fuck if I know how to make it special, but I'd like it to be special. I'm trying. Please, Angeline, just know that I'm trying. I want to do this. I want to do it with you and I want you to want to do it with me.
This time is good. I think it's good. I don't have any comparison so I can't really tell you it's good, but in my mind it'll always be good.
I thought that'd be it and we'd be done after that, but she clings to me again. This time she's laughing and kissing me and clinging to me. Fuck, I love the sound of her laughing. I love her smile. I love her lips on my neck and my cheek and my mouth. I love her. Angeline, I love you.
"No!" she somehow manages to say in between laughing. "Stay?"
Yes, I'll stay. I... fuck. Fucking hell. I need you to stay, too. I fucking need it like I need to breathe. You are my goddamn oxygen, Angeline.
"Don't leave," I say. I didn't mean to say it like that, didn't mean to say it now, but I just fucking said it, so fuck you. "Stay here with me. You can stay here and you never have to go back."
She's thinking about it. I can see her scrunched up nose and eyebrows. I don't know where the fuck the flashlight is anymore, but it's still on and I can see her thinking about what I just said while I'm still inside of her and we're still under the covers.
"That is a nice thought," she says. "It will not work, though."
"Why?" I ask her. I know a lot of reasons why, but I want to know her reason. I want to know why I can't save her. I want to know why the fuck this is happening, and why the fuck I can't stop it. Why?
She kisses me. I'm angry, but I'm a little less angry now. I'm not angry with her, because I don't think I could ever be angry with her, but I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with life and the world and all of this bullshit. Why can't I do anything?
"He will come," she says. "He will hurt you."
I'm hard again. I just can't stop. She does things to me. I want to fuck her. I want it to be nice, though. I don't want to hurt her, I just want to fuck her. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself and I can't believe I let this shit happen, but I need her.
We do it again. We have sex. Make love. Fuck. I don't know what we do. It's fucking beautiful, though. This time there's something different, too. I didn't know what it was at first, and I don't even know what it was after that, but she's gasping and I can feel her becoming tighter around my cock. She's clenching, breathing hard, begging with whispers in my ear. I am pretty fucking sure she had an orgasm and I'm also pretty fucking proud of m
yself.
Third time's a charm, right? I am fucking good at this shit, you have no fucking idea.
Fuck, I love her.
I'm done. I can't do anymore. I'm tired. Food and sex are the best fucking things in the world, let me tell you. I feel like a god. A real one. One that can help people. One that loves the entire fucking world. I don't want to hurt people because of some twisted fucking rendition of religion that I made up in my head. I want to help them.
"Please?" I say. I'm fucking begging her. Please, Angeline? "We'll hide. I'll leave my parents. We're both old enough. We're both adults. We can live in the woods in that cave I told you about. We can go somewhere else. I'll find a job and save money so that we can move away somewhere where no one knows who we are. Please?"
I do know a cave. I spent maybe a week or so there one summer, just relaxing, being a fucking wild child. I did whatever the fuck I wanted, which mostly involved screwing off, fishing, building a campfire to cook, swimming, climbing trees. It's just a cave, but I'll make it a castle for her. I can do it. I know I can.
"Yes," she says. Just yes. There's nothing more. I don't need more. That's all I need. Yes. Please? Yes.
That's it. You have no idea how fucking happy I am right now. You don't know how happy I was then. Goddamn fucking moment of a lifetime, that's what that was. We kiss and cuddle and whisper and play around, but I can tell we're both tired. I switch off the flashlight and it's dark again.
I can't stop looking at her, even though I can't really see her. I just want to fucking look at her. She cuddles up against me. It feels so fucking perfect. She's warm. Is she usually warm? I don't know how she can be warm in the church basement. She doesn't have blankets. It's summer right now, so it's not exactly cold, but it's a stone-floor fucking basement and she sleeps directly on it.
Not now, though. She's sleeping with me. We're cuddled close and I can feel her breath tickling my ear. I can't stop looking at her, I just want to fucking watch her forever, but eventually my eyes slip shut and I fall asleep.