by Abby Gale
For years I’ve carried the loss of a friend and first love in my heart. For years, I’ve thought he was too disgusted with me to even see me, and I’ve convinced myself that he’d forgotten me and moved on with his life. All the while when he was suffering behind bars.
This is truly unexpected and shocking information, I don’t know what to think or how to feel about it. My emotions are all over the place. My mind is a mess. But I know one thing, and that is how grateful I am for what he’s done.
I owe my freedom to him, and I’m the one who to blame for his imprisonment.
Chapter 18
Past
Age 13
I wake up with a smile on my face. Sitting up in my bed I look around. The girls are still sleeping, it must be early.
I like my new life. I like being in a school, learning new things. We learn about God’s words here, but we also learn biology, math, and my favorite, literature.
It’s been eight months since my mother put me in this school. This is the only school in our small town except for the school Nick, and most of the others go to. But my mother would have never let me go to that school anyway. She would never have let me be close to boys. This was my only option, and I’m not complaining.
I’m happy here. No one hits me, no one calls me a bad word. No one hurts me or punishes me in here. The sisters smile, take care of our needs, and sometimes they even read books to us at night. This place is the first place that feels like home.
As I yawn, I feel pain in my stomach. I get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, and that’s when I see the blood stain on my bed. The sisters have told us about periods, but the image still scares me.
I shake Bella to wake her up. She’s my best friend in this place, and I know she got her period four months ago for the first time. I didn’t see her for almost two months when her period came, and she’s been distant to me since then, but I still think of her as my best friend.
“What?” she says sleepily.
“Bella, I… I’m bleeding. I don’t know what to do.”
She sits up on the bed so quickly I feel dizzy for her. I would laugh at her, but her face is full of panic I just frown.
“Go. Go to the bathroom. Wash everything on you, okay?” she whisper-shouts at me. Getting out of her bed she gives me a small towel from her drawer. “Take this. Put it in your panties.”
“Bella,” I start, but she stops me and pushes me toward the bathroom, handing me my uniform and a pair of underwear.
I watch her in confusion, not understanding why she looks so scared.
“Bella, shouldn’t I talk to one of the sisters? They want us to tell them everything,” I say, but she shakes her head in panic.
“No. Do not ever tell anyone. Do you hear me? Don’t tell anyone, especially not any of the sisters,” she says over and over again.
I hurry to the bathroom and clean up as fast as I can. I don’t know what’s wrong with Bella, but she’s acting weird. Putting the towel in its place, I wear my uniform.
When I go back to the dormitory, three sisters have already been there, and they’re standing next to my bed. I look at Bella, she’s as white as a ghost, and her eyes are teary. Looking around to the other girls who are slowly waking up I see the fear in the eyes of some of them and confusion in others.
I walk slowly toward my bed, the sheets are taken off, sitting on my bed like a ball. The red stain is visible to everyone who looks. I’m embarrassed as I face Sister Mary.
“Veronica, I see you’ve gotten your first period,” she says softly.
I swallow and look back at Bella who is now crying silently. I frown at her, but I nod as an answer to Sister Mary.
“Very well. Come with me, dear,” Sister Mary says, and I follow them as they leave the dormitory. I don’t say anything when we walk outside away from the school and walk toward the back garden. I’m scared and nervous, like I’ve done something bad.
I look around. I’ve never been on this side of the garden. It always scares me since it’s far away from the school building and closest to the woods. As we keep walking the trees get bigger and thicker. I drag my feet as I want to run away, but I shouldn’t feel this nervous. I haven’t done anything wrong, so I keep following Sister Mary.
Finally, I see a small cabin, and we stop in front of it.
“You’ll be alone in here to pray until tonight, Veronica. And tonight, the father will see you for a very secret and special ritual,” Sister Mary says and unlocks the four locks on the door.
“Sister Mary?” I call out when I could finally find my voice.
She turns to face me. “Yes, dear.”
“Am I in trouble?”
She smiles at me, a tired smile that doesn’t reach to her eyes. “No, dear. There’s no trouble in St. Agnes Catholic School, Veronica. She protects you all.”
I enter the cabin. It’s mostly bare except a quilt in the corner. I look around the room that has nothing but a cross and St. Agnes’ figure on the wall. And I send a quick prayer to both to protect me from any trouble.
I had no idea even their power wasn’t enough to protect me from what awaited me.
Chapter 19
Present
My gaze roams over the club with expectation. I’ve been hoping to see him since the morning, expecting him to show up like he had recently, but he’s nowhere to be seen. To be honest, I don’t even know why I want to see him. I feel grateful after reading his letter even though I have more questions than answers. I tell myself I want to see him because I want some answers, but I don’t even know what to ask to begin with. A part of me whispers, I want to see him just because. The thought is both exciting and terrifying. After all these years, that old giddiness I feel is ridiculous, but for me, he’s the key to the hopeful place inside me that I locked years ago.
I finish my dance and head to my room to change with conflicted emotions inside me. Because a part of me that I’ve forgotten that I have wants to see him, but I have to be careful. I don’t even know why he showed up after twenty years. I don’t even know what’s going through his head. Twenty years is a long time, and a lot can change. I have to remind myself that he’s not the sweet guy I’ve met and I’m not the same naïve girl who doesn’t know anything about life. But my reminder has insignificant effect on my traitor body because of the memory of us in the VIP room. He’s changed a lot, but now he’s become a man with edges and a shadow behind his eyes, and that turns me on.
Shaking my head, I bid my goodbye to Salem and Harley before going out of the club. It’s a good night outside, so I decide to walk instead of taking a cab. It’ll also help me clear my mind.
The streets are mostly empty. Since it’s a weekday, there aren’t many people who hang out in the clubs or stay late outside. I walk slowly on the pavement under the street lights and enjoy the peaceful silence around me. But just when I expect to feel calm, the hair on my neck stand at attention. My senses go on alert. My skin prickles without reason, my heartbeat increases, and my palms get sweaty. Looking at my surroundings I try to see some kind of danger, but there’s no one nearby that will cause me to feel like I’m being watched.
Straightening my back, I walk faster and with more confidence than I have. The next thing I know I’m being pulled into the alleyway with a hand on my mouth. I kick and bite his hand, but even though I hear a curse from my attacker his hold on me doesn’t waver. He lets me go only when my back hits the brick wall, and his arms cage me.
“Nick,” I breathe out when I see him.
The adrenaline in my blood changes direction when I see him in front of me, oozing power and control. The street light on my left lightens his face, accentuating the edges of his feature. He has a light shadow on his jaw that gives him an even more dangerous look in the alleyway. His eyes roam over my face, his pupils are dilated, his mouth apart, and before I can utter a word his lips are crushing mine. And I kiss him right back, if what we share can be called as a kiss. Because to me, it is more like
a war. Our tongues fight for domination, our teeth graze each other’s lips until we draw blood, our hands pull and push like it’s a power dance, our fingers dig into our skin like we’re trying to hurt each other as much as we can.
I pull his hair until he groans, and he bites down on my bottom lip in return. When I dig my nails into his neck he lifts my leg and wraps it around his waist so he can rub his impressive erection on my pussy. I grind on him, pulling my head back to breathe. His lips move over my jawline, licking and biting until he reaches my neck.
He’s controlling this whole situation, and even though it’s such a turn on, I’m not happy with giving the upper hand to him. Holding him by his shoulders, I move us over, so he’s the one who leans against the wall.
“Nikki,” he breathes out, reaching for me to kiss me but I push him back.
“What do you want from me?”
He smirks, caressing my back with random circles. “Can’t old friends visit each other?”
“We’re not friends.”
He smiles softly, cradling my face in his hands. “We were once. We were even more than friends, right?”
“He’s in jail now?” I whisper, hating the weakness in my voice but I have to hear it from him.
I don’t need to explain further to say who I’m talking about, he understands and nods.
“He won’t hurt you again.”
I sigh in relief with the confirmation, but I’m also tense, confused, and a little bit scared.
“What about you?” I whisper.
His face hardens, and he laughs cruelly. The kind of laugh that makes me want to hide in a dark corner. The kind of laugh that reminds me the little girl who was helpless against monsters. The kind of laugh that causes a shiver to run through my body before he even comes close to me. Instead of answering me, he grabs my hair and turns us over, so my back is against the wall again. He doesn’t give me time to repeat my question or school my expression to hide the fear deep down in my bones. He just takes my breath away with another punishing kiss.
When he pulls back, he rubs my bottom lip with his thumb. “You shouldn’t walk alone at night, you don’t know what would happen.”
With one last look over his shoulder, he leaves. As I lean down to support myself on my knees, to calm my breath and my scared heart, I think of the last look he gave me. I saw nothing of the boy I knew in that look. That look was full of anger and hate that makes my blood run cold. And I don’t know how much of it is directed at me.
Chapter 20
Past
Age 13
The sun moves down.
The sky gets darker, and the room gets colder.
I start pacing in the room, feeling nervous, scared, and restless. I’m hungry and thirsty, too.
Finally, I hear the clicks on the door. I’ve been waiting to see Sister Mary or one of the others, but instead it’s Father Edward.
“Father,” I say, bowing my head.
I watch him walking closer to me. His shiny black shoes stop just in front of me, but I don’t look up. I’m afraid of making him angry.
He reaches at me, lifting my head up. As he studies my face, I examine him. He must be around forty, and he’s good-looking, tall and wide. He looks strong, and power radiates off him, a power that makes me respect him and be terrified of him at the same time.
“What a beautiful sight you are,” he finally says. His voice surprises me. It’s so soft. I’ve been expecting a voice like thunder, shaking my bones, but this softness relaxes me.
“What’s your name, beautiful child?” he asks.
“Veronica, Father.”
“Veronica… such a strong name for a delicate flower like you,” he says, caressing my cheek softly. The gesture is so sweet, so parental, so foreign I want to have more of it. I lean into his hand before I can stop myself, but I can’t help the desire of feeling some parental love since it’s the first. I’ve never felt it from my mother, and I don’t know who’s my father is or if he’s dead or alive.
“Do you want to join me in my room, Veronica?” he asks, and I nod.
He smiles at me. For a moment I feel like I see a glimpse in his eyes, a dark glimpse, but it passes so quickly before I can decide if I really see it.
I shake my head at the ridiculous fear and doubt.
He’s someone I can trust. He’s a man of God. He can help me, he can take care of me.
That’s what I repeat at myself as I hold the hand he outstretches for me to take. That’s what I repeat to myself when his hold is almost too rough to be comfortable. And that’s what I chant over and over as he opens a door for us to enter.
***
We’re sitting next to each other on a couch. I thought we would be in his office, but this room doesn’t look like one. It’s almost homey. There are two couches that face each other, separated with a coffee table in between, a small, wooden desk and a wooden chair that faced the far wall, and a bed at the corner.
“You must be hungry, little one. Eat,” he says, handing me a plate full of fruits and pasta.
I eat as he watches me. I stop chewing when his fingers start playing with my hair. My hair is now longer, passing my shoulders. He plays the strands between his fingers, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
“Sister Mary told me you started to bleed, Veronica,” he says out of the blue.
My cheek must turn red, he chuckles and caresses my cheekbone with his knuckles. I finally nod.
“You’ve become a woman now, my delicate flower. There’s nothing you need to be ashamed of,” he says, his hand moves down to my neck. “You’ll be an amazing woman.”
He drops his hand, and I exhale. I didn’t even realize I’ve been holding my breath.
“But I need to help you, Veronica. I need to help you during this time so you can stay pure, so evil can’t touch you. Would you like that, beautiful? Would you like me to help you purify your body and cleanse your soul?” His voice is so soft, so comforting. It’s convincing, and with every word, he earns my trust.
I nod, even though his words are so close to my mother’s, even though this kind of religion, this kind of God scares me.
“It will be just you, and me, and God, my beautiful.”
I nod. I can trust him.
“You’re special, Veronica. I can feel that you’re special. You’ll let me help you, won’t you my dear? You’ll beg me to help you find your place in this world, right?”
I gasp. Finding my place in the world… this is what I’ve been dreaming of since I was a little girl. I’ve been hoping that I have a better place in this world, better future in front of me than a life with my mother, a life that I spent being locked in a closet.
Father Edward has won me with this last question.
“Yes, Father. Yes, I’ll let you,” I answer.
Chapter 21
Present
The sweat drips from my back when I enter my apartment. Morning jogs aren’t my usual routine, but after the sexual and tense night with Nick, I felt ready to explode in the morning, I had to do something to clear my mind.
Nick’s fallen like a meteor into my life after years, and the real big bang is my reaction to him. For years, I’ve forbidden myself to think about him. He was just a childish crush, a good dream from my past I didn’t dare to spare a thought about in the present. But since I saw him days ago, I’m all over the place. I’ve felt more things in these few days than in the whole twenty years. I’m feeling excited and nervous, happy, and sad, nostalgic, and scared.
My mind has thousands of questions I don’t have answers for. They’re replaying again and again like a broken record on tape.
Why is he here? Just to let me know what he’s been through?
Why is he rehashing the past instead of carrying on with his life like I’ve been trying to do since he showed up?
Why did he come to me? A weird, broken girl from his past? A girl who he got into jail for…
That’s another thing that makes me fee
l like I’m reading a fictional novel. Nick in jail… that doesn’t make sense in my mind. I have a hard time picturing sweet Nick doing something illegal, something to hurt another person let alone someone who was as strong, authoritative, and terrifying as the Sheriff of our shitty town.
The only thing I know for sure about him is that he’s not the kid I kissed and laughed with anymore. He’s turned into a man that is dark and unpredictable, a man who follows me in the dark and kisses me with a punishing, rough kiss in a dark alleyway. I should be scared, and I am, but not enough to stay away, not enough to stop this strange cat and mouse game where I move, and he follows.
I’m feeling every kind of contrary emotions about him being here. Basically, I’m so confused. I still feel like that little girl who couldn’t wait to see him, who hyperventilated whenever he smiled. But now my feelings aren’t as innocent as they were. Now, I’m turned on by the man who’s become with danger, mystery, and darkness in him. The things that scare me about him are also the things that make me attracted to him. Twisted, I know. But my normality has been taken away from me, ripped from my hands.
I touch my lips with the taste of his kiss on my tongue as I head for the shower. The remainder of his touch in the dark alley sends a shiver through my spine. Even the caress of fabric as I take off my clothes is a turn on when I think about his rough fingers digging into my hips. It took me a long while to open up to sex again, but once I did, I enjoyed the sweet euphoria of it too much to give up on that. Now, I don’t forbid the pleasure in my body, I just let myself take it on my own rules. I like to be in control, and the count of people who are willing to give up theirs can be shocking to some people. Even though the Nick I’ve known seemed to change a lot, I can say that he’s not one of those people. He’s as controlling as I am, maybe even more and that is a strange mix of terrifying and exhilarating.