I press my hand to my chest. Just the memory brings back the feeling—the blinding ache that tore through me, right into my heart and radiating out, causing an unbearable pain to reach each and every fiber of my body.
I still can’t believe it. Just one setback between us, and she ran back to them, right back into the action. It just goes to show how little trust she had in me, in spite of all we went through together. She should have warned me about the occupation when she found out about it. But maybe that was never her intention. Maybe she was playing some devious game to expose me as the rotten capitalist who is out to exploit the masses.
But soon enough she’ll find out that I have been telling her the truth. What will she do? Will she come back crawling on her hands and knees, begging for my forgiveness? And if she does, will I take her back?
No way in hell.
If I have ever considered giving her a second chance, she has completely blown it by running back to her old friends. However much it hurts to admit it to myself, I can’t possibly be with her if she won’t trust me.
A loud knocking on the door makes the throbbing in my head even worse, if that were possible.
“Ryder, open up! I know you’re in there!”
Alex. Thankfully I had the sense to lock the door before I slumped in bed.
“Get lost, man,” I croak.
“Let me in. I have to talk to you and it can’t wait.”
“I’m sick. I can’t talk.”
“I’m going to kick the door in. You know I will.”
Groaning, I roll off the bed and drag myself to the door, opening it a crack.
“Alex. Go away.”
I push the door closed again but he slips his foot between the crack and forces himself in.
“Bro, bro, bro. You look like shit,” he says, shaking his head.
I dump myself back on the bed. “Thanks, man, that’s just what I needed to hear.”
My hand finds the bottle under the covers—Johnny Walker, it turns out—and I take a swig, savoring the burning in my throat.
“Drink?” I hold up the bottle.
Alex furrows his brow. “Scotch? What’s up with you, man? I’ve never seen you like this. You don’t even drink.”
“Well, I do now.”
I turn away, taking another swig.
“Hey, something happened between you and GSX? She dump you?”
I grunt. I might as well tell him. He’s the only one who would understand.
“It’s nothing. We just decided it wouldn’t work out. She doesn’t trust me. She thought I lied to her.”
“Lied? Lied about what?”
“The homeless project. Those wacko friends of hers told her we’re developing luxury apartments. And she believed them.”
To my surprise, he keeps quiet and turns to the window, his back facing me.
“Ah. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
I raise my eyebrows. “What is it?”
“I don’t know if I should tell you this, especially seeing you in this state.”
“Come on, I’m sure I can take it,” I say.
Alex swivels around to face me, his eyes hard. “The demolition’s been put on hold.”
“You must be kidding. All because of those jokers?”
“Yeah. The City doesn’t want us to touch it until the publicity around it has died down. It’s too sensitive right now, with the occupation plastered all over the news and on the net. I’ve got PR on it, trying to get the message across that we’re genuine, and that what they’re doing is based on a lie. But you know the media. They’re more than happy to keep the story alive, especially if it’s going to stir up some controversy. It really sucks, but now Home Depot and Yahoo have withdrawn their support. Even your friend Rosenberg is getting cold feet. He’s been going berserk trying to reach you. Just switch on your cell, you’ll see.”
I bury my head in my hands. Damn. I can’t believe it.
Alex’s warm hand presses on my shoulder. “Listen, don’t worry about it. Tomorrow this will be yesterday’s news. You’ve got the mayor wrapped around your finger, so it’s going to happen sooner or later.”
“Yeah, but with the holiday period around the corner, everything will come to a stop. And the construction will be pushed back later and later.”
“All the more reason to enjoy the festive season. We’ll go and party this away, man.”
Alex chuckles, and I half-grin back at him. He is an eternal optimist, always seeing the positive side of things, and he normally never fails to cheer me up. But now, I can’t seem to feel better. I take yet another swig from the bottle and plonk down on my back, closing my eyes. I feel and must look like a train wreck, but I don’t care.
“I don’t know, bro. Seeing you like this really pisses me off. I wanna wring her neck. The bitch,” Alex says.
“Don’t call her that. She’s not—I don’t know. I’ve done some stuff to her that I’m not proud of, either.”
I tell him about buying up her building and how she reacted when she found out.
Rolling his eyes, Alex raises his hands. “Jesus, no wonder she freaked. Don’t you see that’s over the top? I know you’re trying to help, but look at it from her point of view. She thinks you want to control her.”
“I know that now, but at the time I just couldn’t help myself. You should see where she lives. It’s goddamn dangerous there. I almost got robbed when I took her home one night. I offered her to move into one of my properties, but of course she wouldn’t. This was the only thing I could do to protect her.”
“Come on, she’s a big girl. She knows how to protect herself. Otherwise she wouldn’t have lived there all those years. The least you should’ve done is talk to her about it. And let her make the decision.”
I scowl at him. “You don’t understand, Alex. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her. I want to make life easy for her, give her a break in life. If anyone, she deserves it. She’s had it tough, you know. And I was going to tell her about the building. I just didn’t expect her to find out about it so soon.”
Alex breaks into a wide grin. “Sounds to me you’ve been pussy-whipped. Who would have guessed I’d ever see this day—my bro head over heels in love?”
Love. That’s what I thought it was. But how am I able to love her when she clearly doesn’t love me back? But how else can I explain my bizarre behavior, which is so out of character for me? I haven’t been drunk for years and almost forgot what it felt like. Suffering its debilitating after-effects, I now remember why I’ve abstained from alcohol. I loathe myself for being so weak, for succumbing to it. No matter how much I try to fight it, when it comes to the crunch, it appears I’m still my mother’s son: a weak-willed, pathetic failure.
Am I?
I glance around the room, my eyes falling on the numerous certificates and prizes on the walls that I decided not to hang in my office, never having felt the need to show off. I have overcome great odds to achieve what I have.
And I decide: no, I am not.
Because I have chosen not to be. I would never choose to neglect the ones I love. Nor to abandon them when they need me most.
But even so, the pain Elle has inflicted on me feels unlike any I’ve ever experienced before. Can I ever forgive her for not trusting me, for turning her back on me, for betraying me? I pinch the bridge of my nose.
I just don’t know.
I am still lost in thought while Alex is babbling on about some new-model motorbike, thinking of buying it. A week ago I’d be all over this, discussing all the technical specs with him and organizing a test ride. Both fervent motoring enthusiasts, we often talk cars and bikes for hours, which usually cheers me up, but not today. I hear his voice and see his mouth moving, but have no idea what he is talking about. The pounding in my head also doesn’t help.
Alex shoves the computer tablet he’s grabbed off my nightstand in my face, showing me photos and videos of the bike. I nod, but it’s not easy to p
retend I’m remotely interested in this motorbike while all I can think about is Elle.
Finally, Alex stops talking and throws the tablet on my chest, probably sick and tired of my less-than-lukewarm responses.
He says, “Listen, bro, you can’t go on like this. I won’t allow it. I’m gonna go home now and leave you to wallow in your misery for one more day. But tomorrow, you and I are going out for a climb. It will clear your head. For now, just get a good rest. I’ll give you a call later.”
I sigh. “Sure. Whatever, man.”
After the door slams shut, I pick up the tablet, intending to switch off the video of the bike that is still playing. But before I press the stop button, the bike’s aerodynamic shape catches my eye, and for some reason, I am transfixed. I replay the video and read up on the bike’s technical details. It’s pretty amazing—an electric superbike that can do the quarter mile in under ten seconds.
And for a few minutes I forget about Elle.
A flicker of renewed energy entering my veins, I get up and have a quick shower in the ensuite. I change into my riding leathers, and pick up my helmet before taking the elevator down to the car park. I get on my bike and ride out into the dark.
As I take a deep breath, the biting air burns my lungs, but I don’t care. What I need right now is to feel the icy wind in my face and to go as fast as I can.
That’s all I need right now—an escape.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Elle
“Rose, I really need your advice.”
To her credit, my sister doesn’t look shocked to see me when she opens the door of my childhood home, even though I must look like some unkempt, hollow-eyed loony.
“Come in.” She opens the door wide, but I remain rooted on the threshold, scanning the hallway behind her.
“Don’t worry, mom’s out. Won’t be back till late tonight.” Rose puts her arm around my shoulders and ushers me in.
I breathe a sigh of relief. The last few days have been the most miserable in my life. I’ve hardly eaten, I’ve hardly slept. After yesterday’s disaster at the occupation site, my thoughts have been tossing and turning over what I should do. Talk to him? Apologize? Or just let it go? And not ever see him again? My heart sank just considering it.
The chaos in my brain, with muddled thoughts jumping from one extreme to another, made me realize I had to talk to someone. I tried to call Damon, but he was working and didn’t have time to see me until later tonight when he was planning to join a get-together with some racers, but I had no intention of meeting him there.
I tried Rose next, and when she didn’t answer her phone, I decided to visit her at the house. With exams around the corner, she’d either be in the library or at home studying. I was right to bet on her being home at eight on a Thursday morning.
I sit down at the round table in the dining room while Rose goes into the kitchen. She comes back with two steaming mugs of milk tea without sugar, just how I like it.
“Tell me what’s going on,” she says.
I explain to her what happened between Ryder and me, from the charity dinner to the building occupation. How he bought my building and paid my rent without telling me, and how I ended up at the building site trying to stop the occupation.
Rose nods and sips her tea, occasionally asking me to clarify.
“So you’re telling me you’re upset that he cleared your rent.”
I nod. “And installed an alarm system, including cameras. Probably to spy on me, to control me.”
“But he’s apologized for not telling you.”
“Yeah, he has, but that doesn’t make it okay. I’m still pissed. He’s a bloody control freak. I mean, who does that, buy a whole friggin’ building just to keep an eye on me?”
Rose puts down her mug, spilling some tea on the green formica table. “Someone who cares a whole lot about you, obviously. Don’t you think you’re overreacting? What if he bought it and installed the alarm to protect you, to keep you safe? You always think the worst of people. It’s the same with mom. I know she can be a real pain sometimes, but she does love you. She’s just really bad at showing it.”
I shoot her an icy glare. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re her favorite.”
“What? Do you think she doesn’t lay into me? You weren’t around when she gave me hell for coming second in violin competitions, for not getting a perfect SAT score. I’m never good enough for her.”
“Come on, compared to me you’re an angel. You should count yourself lucky you’ve got me to compare yourself with.”
“Hey, you’re still my sister. I want the best for you. And I can’t exactly fault Ryder for caring so much about your safety—to care so much about you—to risk you getting angry with him.”
I don’t want to admit it, but she’s right. Deep down I know all he cares about is for me to be safe, that’s why he installed the system. And it has not only benefited me, but everyone else in the building, too. Even more when the long-overdue repairs and upgrades are completed.
I let out a long sigh. “I know what you’re saying, but it still doesn’t make it right. He should’ve asked me first.”
“And what would you have said? That you’d be okay with it? You know as well as I do that you’d never agree to it. Knowing you, you’d be at his throat, and you’d be breaking up with him there and then. I think he knows you better than you realize.”
“Still, he shouldn’t have done it.” I look down at the table, tracing the edge of the mug round and round with my finger. “Now I have to pay him back. I have to.”
I take a sip of my cooled tea, listening to the soothing ticking of the wall clock.
Rose breaks the silence between us. “Elle, I’ve got to tell you something. After I found out you were seeing Ryder, I’ve been asking Alice about him. I wasn’t sure what you were getting yourself into. This whole dating thing is so new for you, you’ve never even had a boyfriend.”
“Hey, you didn’t tell her about me, did you?”
“No, of course not. I just made up some excuse. Anyway, she told me that he helps out his friends and his staff whenever they need it without expecting anything in return. But he does it on the sly, not telling anyone about it. I think I told you about Alice’s dad. Well, he’s also helped out his PA, when her ex moved overseas and refused to pay alimony, even though she’s raising his three kids. Ryder arranged for monthly payments to made to her account, and she assumed her ex had changed his mind. It was years before she found out where the money really came from. So, get over yourself and just accept it.”
I shake my head. “No way. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me, but I’ll pay back every cent.”
“It’s your call, sis. But what happened at the building site was your fault. You can’t blame him for being mad at you. The least you should do is explain the situation to him and apologize. That’s the least he deserves. ”
Closing my eyes, I put my head in my hands. “God, I don’t know if I can ever face him again. What’s the point anyway? Even if I do talk to him, I doubt he’ll believe me.”
“I think you’re scared that he will. Because if he does, you’d have to consider if you’ll forgive him. It’s so much easier to put the blame on him and push him away rather than opening up and trying to work things out.”
Rose’s warm hand squeezes my shoulder.
“Listen, he deserves an apology. Talk to him. I’ve noticed that when you’re with him, he brings out a side of you I’ve never seen before. A happy side. I’ve never even seen you smile so much. It’s ridiculous to end what you two have because of some misunderstanding and your stupid pride.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Just listen to your big sister. And while you’re at it, make sure you grovel so he’ll take you back.”
I lift my head to scowl at her, but when I spot the mischievous glint in her eyes, I can’t help but grin.
I push back my chair and stand up.
I
’ve made up my mind. I’m going to see Ryder. Not to grovel, as Rose suggests, but to apologize and let him know that I will not accept anything from him. I am determined to pay back every cent I owe him. And I will not take no for an answer.
The thought of seeing him again causes a spark of excitement to blossom in my chest. I’ve missed him so much. Even if he doesn’t believe me and doesn’t want anything to do with me again, I’m dying to see him again, even though this could well be the last time.
“Thanks, sis.” I pull Rose into a hug, and she follows me into the hallway. As I head to the door, my footsteps feel a lot lighter than when I first came in, like a load has fallen off my shoulders. My mouth even stretches into a broad smile.
I stretch out my hand to reach the door knob, but to my surprise, it turns by itself.
The door opens.
And my smile vanishes when I see who appears on the other side of the door.
Ryder
I don’t know where I’m going. I have no plan, no destination. But damn, it feels good to be out on my bike.
I accelerate hard at every traffic light, pushing my bike to its limits, and lean into every sharp turn, relishing the heady feeling it produces. At 100 mph, I’m at one with my machine. I savor the speed, the wind in my hair, the smell of the road—I feel free, I feel in control. The pressure that has been building inside of me in the past few days dissipates. God, I needed this so badly.
I leave the city and ride along the highway—the same one where I had my first street race, with Elle. It feels like a lifetime ago. Since then, so much has happened. In the span of only a few weeks she has turned my world on its side. She’s rushed in, burned away my heart and left me with nothing but an empty space in my chest. A shudder goes through me, and I suddenly feel the freezing wind slicing through my leathers, chilling my bones.
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