Her cheek in the decay of the forest floor, she caught sight of Sebastian’s horse thundering away.
Away, and away.
Away until he dropped out of sight.
And she knew. In that very moment—the moment he vanished—she knew.
She loved him.
More than she had ever loved Gregory. More than she had ever loved anything.
But he had disappeared.
Gone.
And she had no one to blame but herself.
Her eyes closed, words from the past flooding her mind. And she could not fight them away.
“You will always be unlovable, Brianna. Utterly worthless to walk this earth.”
~~~
Sebastian stormed out of his room at Notlund, clutching a wide leather satchel. The sleeve of a shirt flopped half out from under the top flap of the bag. One shirt. All he needed. And he wouldn’t have even come up to the castle to grab that, had he not needed his papers and notes that were in his room.
The rest of his things he would have Rowe send, as he would never be back to this place.
Moving quickly through the stone corridor, Sebastian almost bowled over the duke when he suddenly appeared from a set of side stairs.
Sebastian attempted to sidestep him without a word.
“Seb, where are you barreling off to?” Not allowing Sebastian to pass, the duke caught his forearm. “Wait. Where is Brianna?”
“I do not know.”
“You have lost your wife so easily?”
Sebastian ripped his arm from the duke’s hand, stomping away. “Leave me alone, Rowe.”
“Why?” At his heels, Rowen wasn’t letting him escape. “You have packed to go somewhere?”
“None of your damn business, Rowe.” Sebastian didn’t break stride, keeping his eyes straight ahead.
“Where is Brianna, Seb? We need her. Her sister needs to talk to her.”
Sebastian kept walking.
The duke grabbed his arm, whipping Sebastian around. “Seb, where the hell is your—”
Sebastian’s fist went swinging at the duke’s cheek, crushing it at contact. It sent Rowen flying backward, hitting the stone wall behind him.
Left hand on his jaw, the duke’s right hand clenched, but he held it in check at his side. His glare at Sebastian was deadly.
“Hit me.” Sebastian dropped his bag to the floor, bracing himself. “Just hit me, Rowe.”
“I repeat, Seb.” Rowen pushed off the wall, straightening to his full height, his eyes pinning Sebastian. “Where the hell is your wife?”
“I do not know. In the woods.”
The duke’s glare went even deadlier. “You left Brianna in the woods?”
“Yes, I damn well left her in the woods. There are things you do not know about her, Rowe. And I am done with her.”
“Like hell you are, Seb.” Rowen’s fist made contact with Sebastian’s eye.
Sebastian flew backward. Blast it. He had forgotten Rowe could hit that hard.
“You are not done, Seb. She is your wife. Your wife. You made that happen. You bloody well forced that upon her, and now you think to abandon her?”
Sebastian seethed, pushing off from the wall to part his legs in stance for another blow.
“What blasted idiocy is this?” The duke moved in on him. “You do not get to just abandon her, Seb.”
“What I do with my wife is none of your business, Rowe.”
“It damn well is. More than you will ever know.”
Sebastian’s eyebrow cocked. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Nothing.” The duke’s growl eased slightly and he took a step back. “It means that you are a better man than this, Seb. Of all the things I know of you, you are a better man than this. You would never abandon a friend. And you are not about to abandon your wife.”
“She has a child—a bastard child hidden away, Rowe.”
“What?”
“A child—a boy—she has been hiding him from me—from all of you.”
“No.”
“Yes.” Sebastian’s arms crossed over his chest.
A long moment passed with Rowen shaking his head, his eyes to the heavy oak rafters above them. His look dropped to Sebastian. “It does not matter. You are not about to abandon her, Seb.”
“It damn well does matter and I am bloody well leaving.” Sebastian shoved Rowen to the side of the corridor, barging around him.
Just as he bent to pick up his bag, the duke’s fist caught the side of his jaw, sending him sprawling, hands on the stone wall to catch himself.
“I repeat, Seb, you are not about to abandon Brianna.”
Sebastian could taste the blood flooding his mouth. He looked at the duke. “Why the hell do you even care, Rowe?”
“Brianna is my sister.”
“What?” Sebastian reeled, spinning so his back was on the stone, propping himself up. “How?”
“Both Brianna and Lily—they are my sisters. My father arranged for their mother to marry Wallace Silverton.”
Sebastian’s head dropped back onto the stone wall, his eyes high on the ceiling. Several heaving breaths, and his gaze fell to the duke. “Do they know?”
“No.” The duke took a step toward Sebastian. “And I prefer it to remain so. They both loved their father, and he loved them. I do not want their memories of him tarnished.”
“So that was why you took them in here. Brought them to London.”
Rowen nodded. “Yes. And that is why I am not about to let you abandon Brianna.”
Sebastian shook his head, the back of his scalp rubbing on the rough stone. “I have forgiven everything Brianna has thrown my way, Rowe. But this…a child…I cannot forgive a secret—a betrayal—such as this.”
“You can.” The duke moved directly in front of him, his eyes determined. “And you will. Whatever happened to Brianna in the past, you will come to terms with it. And you will bloody well go and find her right now.”
Sebastian’s jaw clenched, sending fresh waves of pain across his face. “I do not need this, Rowe. I do not need the lies. I do not need her.”
The duke stared at him. Stared at him for several seconds. So long that Sebastian thought about just walking away. But Rowen wasn’t judging—Sebastian could see that.
Finally, the duke opened his mouth, the slightest smile touching his face. “You do. You need it more than any man I have ever come across.”
Sebastian sighed, his head tilting. “What the bloody hell makes you think that?”
Rowen took a step backward, leaning against the wall opposite Sebastian. His arms crossed over his chest.
“Do you know, Seb, that I had always imagined, one day, I would be sitting at my desk, and a missive would appear. I have always, honestly, been waiting for it. A note that told me you had died, somewhere out there.” His arm swung wide before resettling across his chest. “Only god knows where. And I would wonder whether you were alone at the end, if you were afraid, if it was a relief for you.”
“That is your reasoning? My imaginary impending death?” Sebastian forced a chuckle. “Your persuasion has a lot to be desired, my friend.”
“I know it is odd—does not make sense. But you have run from life for as long as I have known you, Seb.” He shook his head. “Then one day you got this crazy idea in your brain that Brianna was the one. Though I scoffed at it—I thought maybe, just maybe. And then what I saw next, after you married her…”
“What did you see?” Sebastian could not keep the sarcasm from his voice.
“I saw you still. I saw you stop. I saw you smile and laugh, and not constantly looking over other people’s shoulders to decide where you were off to next. I saw you stop running from life, and start living it.” The duke shrugged. “As inelegant as it sounds, I cannot say it with enough gravity—I saw you genuinely happy, Seb.”
“But her lies—”
“We all lie, Seb. Some are big. Some are little. This is a big one. But are you truly going
to trade away your own happiness for something that happened well before you knew her?”
Sebastian stared at him.
“Go back and find her, Seb.” The duke stepped forward, patting Sebastian’s upper arm. “Find her. Talk to her.”
Rowen turned, walking down the corridor, his boots clicking on the stone floor.
Sebastian watched him disappear into the stairwell.
Damn that Rowen’s words hit too closely to the truth. Truth Sebastian didn’t want to admit to himself.
With a deep breath, Sebastian pushed off the wall. Dropping his bag back in his room, he went down to the stables.
Just as he was approaching the far right stable, a brown mare ambled into the field across from him, going over to munch on a swath of tall grasses.
Nobody by the horse, Sebastian squinted, trying to see it clearly. It had on a saddle. A sidesaddle.
His eyes not leaving the horse, Sebastian yelled into the stable closest to him. “Tommy. Tommy.”
The boy came running, skidding to a stop in front of Sebastian. “Yes, mi’ lord?”
“That horse.” Sebastian pointed across the field. “Why does that horse have a sidesaddle on it?”
“Oh, that be Firesprite—Lady Luhaunt took ‘er this morn. First I seen of ‘er since then. I gettin’ right on it, mi’ lord.” Tommy looked up to Sebastian. “Lady Luhaunt is with ye, mi’ lord, right? She’s right good ‘bout carin’ for the horses and findin’ me when she returns. So that be odd.”
Sebastian looked across the field, trying to control the panicked beating of his heart as his eyes searched the grasses.
Empty.
Shit.
{ Chapter 15 }
Sebastian found the trail Brianna’s horse had forged through the edge of the woods.
He had heard her in there, screaming his name, her voice echoing through the woods. He had heard her and had kept going.
Pulling up on the reins, Sebastian stopped his horse, looking in all directions. His heart had not stopped pounding since the stables.
What the hell had happened to her?
He had searched every nook along the trail to this spot but had not found Brianna. This was the last area where he knew for sure she was.
Setting his horse forward, Sebastian followed the trampled underbrush into the woods.
An hour passed, searching the woods with no luck, when Sebastian set his horse to the stream to drink.
Then, noise. Thankfully, noise.
He heard the sobs before he saw her, and he followed them, reaching the high bank of the creek. Desperate, he searched the rocky streamside below.
Half-hidden behind a wild shrub, the back of her white shirt popped into view. Her riding jacket gone, she sat curled over, shaking with the sobs, her head tucked down and her hair wild, fallen from the pins.
And then he saw the blood.
“Good God, Bree. You are injured.” Sebastian jumped from his horse, racing down the bankside to her. He skidded, rocks flying as his hands landed on the back of her shoulders.
She didn’t look up at him, her body rocking back and forth, words mumbling from her mouth. It took him hearing the repeated words again and again to hear them correctly.
“Not like this. I do not want to be like this. Not this.” Her mouth rambled, whispering repeatedly.
Her skirt pulled high and her boot gone, her focus stayed down on the pointed bloody rock she dragged back and forth across the back of her left calf. Digging into her own skin.
“Not like this. Not like this.”
Sebastian’s stomach churned when he realized what she was doing. Maiming her own leg. Blood covering every spot of her skin.
He snatched her wrist, ripping the sharp rock from her hand and whipping it into the stream.
“What the hell are you doing, Bree?” He grabbed her ankle, dropping to his knees as he pulled her leg away from her body so he could look at it. Fingers running along the back of her calf, he tried to discern open wounds from seeping blood.
Her blue eyes, wet with tears but vacant, moved up, finding his face. Finding his face but not truly seeing him. “Not like this. I do not want to be like this.”
Her right hand was already searching for another rock. Finding one, her body jerking in sobs, she bent forward, going after her calf once more.
He smacked the rock out of her hand, hard, sending it flying. “Dammit, Bree. Like what? What the blasted hell have you done to yourself?”
Before she could move again, Sebastian stood, picking her up and setting her none too gently at the edge of the water. He grasped her leg, thrusting it into the water to wash away the blood.
Anger so thick ran through him that he didn’t trust himself to not injure her further. He looked up at her face. “Why in the hell would you do this to yourself, Bree?”
“I just want it all to be gone, Seb.” Her voice came out small, a wooden whisper. “Gone. I do not want to be like this anymore.”
“Like what?” Sebastian’s attention stayed on her leg in the water, his hands running up and down it, clearing all the blood. Dammit. Five major gashes and numerous smaller ones. But thank the heavens the blood had made it look worse than it was.
His initial panic quelled, he looked up to Brianna’s face, fury that she would do this to herself peaking. She sat, hands in her lap, palms up, her shoulders slumped in defeat. Broken. Completely broken. The sobs had ceased, leaving only an ashen shell of his wife.
It tempered his rage. He forced his voice even. “Like what? You do not want to be like what, Bree?”
“Not able to tell you. Not able to trust you. To have to control everything. When I cannot…I cannot even control myself.” Her eyes dropped down to her leg. “The scars. I want them gone. Gone. I do not want them anymore, Seb. I do not want what they do to me.”
“Tell me what I can do, Bree. You need to trust me to help you.”
Silent, her eyes stayed on her leg.
Sebastian wanted to move to her, to hold her face, to demand answers, to shake her until her eyes lit up and she spit fire at him. But he did not trust her enough in that moment to not pick up another rock. To not mar her own body even further.
He stayed where he was, the water soaking through his boots, her leg cradled in his hands.
“Brianna.”
“I see…I know what a fine man you are, Seb. How you take care of me.” Eyes downcast, she took a quivering breath. “But you do not know what it takes…what I have to overcome to be with you…to trust you.”
“Tell me, Bree. Just speak the words. There is nothing left to do but that.”
Her blue eyes flew up to him, sudden panic crossing her face. “He is not my child. The boy. Harry. You need to know he is not my child.”
Sebastian froze. “But I heard him say ‘mama.’”
“No. Nama. You heard him say Nama. It is what he has always called me—his mother died a month after he was born, so I was like his mother in his early years and I allowed it—he could not say Brianna, so that is what he called me. I know I am not his mother, but he needed one so badly.”
“Who is he?”
“He is the viscount’s son.”
“Viscount Friellway? Why did you not just tell me? Why did you sneak off?”
“Why…why…” Her eyes went to the sky. “You cannot imagine what I have had to forget in order just to be near you, Seb. The position I have had to force myself into.”
“Dammit, Bree, I will fight a hundred—a thousand demons for you, but I do not know what they are—what to fight. You need to tell me.”
She took a deep breath, her gaze dropping to him, and Sebastian could see sanity return to her eyes. See her pull away from the very dark place her mind was suffering when he found her.
“It is time, Bree. You need to tell me. Trust me.”
“You left me.”
“I came back. I am sorry. I was furious. Done.” He dared to set her leg down, letting the water run over it. He moved towar
d her, settling on his knees as his hand went to the side of her face.
“But I was not back to the castle for ten minutes before I realized I was an idiot.” His forefinger rubbed against her temple. “Whatever you have in here, whatever it is—you need to trust me with it, Bree. I will not leave you again. Will not repeat idiocy. I swear it. But you have to tell me, Bree—what the hell is going on?”
Her head shook against his words. “Why did you find me, Seb? Why could you not just leave me?”
“I love you, Brianna.”
Her eyes went wide with a slight gasp, disbelief clear. She studied him for a long moment, and Sebastian accepted it in silence.
Whatever it took for her to believe his sincerity. He did love her. What had begun as lust—as fate calling him—had without a doubt, turned into love.
He watched as her face ran through emotions—shock, wonder, landing on softness, and for a moment—one tiny moment—he thought he saw love.
But then she blinked, her face turning hard.
She pulled away from him, tugging his hand from her face. “This is not your problem, Seb. I did not want to involve you. I did not want to put you in danger. And now—” She hiccupped a breath, her words cut. She had to swallow hard to continue. “Now you say that to me. I could not involve you before, and now it is even more so that I cannot tell you.”
“Dammit, Bree, do not—”
“Not knowing what was happening was the only reason I was left alive.” Her voice arced into a yell as she cut him off. “I will not put you in that danger, Seb. I watched my father die because of this. I almost died because of this. Lily does not even know, and neither can you…I cannot…I cannot lose you.”
Sebastian’s head fell. He tried to draw up reasoning, draw up anything that would make Brianna see the reality around her.
She was not alone. Not anymore. And she damn well needed to tell him what was going on.
His head lifted, and he studied her blue eyes. “Brianna, that fortune teller, what she said to you—I always thought it was your head that was stopping you—keeping you from me. But I see it now. It is your heart. You heart is what stops you.”
He ventured to bring both of his hands up, capturing her face. “This is the time, Bree. You need to let your heart lead. You need to trust me enough to tell me what is happening. Trust me enough to take care of you—take care of myself. I cannot protect you if I do not know what I am protecting you from. What I am protecting myself from.”
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