“I grit?” Her feet hit the ground, the impact sending a wave of pain up her leg.
“Yes. Exactly what is on your face at the moment. Gritting. So we are stopping for a moment so you can stretch your leg. Maybe loosen your boot.”
He tucked her under his arm, steering her from the horses. “Here. It should be drier in here.” Sebastian moved forward, parting the wall of willow branches in front of them, and then ushered her through.
The wide canopy of the willow tree created a somewhat dry, secluded spot. Sebastian disappeared out through the branches to secure the horses, and Brianna took off her gloves and opened the silver clasp at the top of her black cloak, shaking droplets free as she took it off.
Laying the cloak open near the base of the tree, Brianna sat heavily upon it, pulling her wet skirt upward to expose her left leg. Fingers working down the leather laces, she loosened her boot and immediate relief flowed through her calf.
She stretched her leg out in front of her as Sebastian came back through the wall of leaves, shaking his arms out of his dark coat. Holding the coat by the collar, he snapped it a few times, sending water splattering, and then set it on the ground next to hers.
He stood, gazing down at her, a peculiar look on his face. Brianna couldn’t help being immediately suspicious.
His arms went wide, taking a deep breath. “This. This is what I wanted with you, Bree.”
“What?”
“Listen. Look around.”
She shook her head. “What? I hear nothing.”
“Stillness. This is what I wanted.” He dropped to his knees in front of her, his brown eyes bright. “A moment of stillness in all that is swirling about us. Stillness. Just us.”
Brianna leaned back on the trunk of the tree, her gaze going about. She had to admit the leaves of the willow made an effective barrier to everything looming in her mind. “Yes, but for how long?”
“For as long as we dare to make this moment last.” He smirked, his eyes scolding her. “Let me look at your leg to make sure it is not too dire.”
Sebastian moved to the side of her leg, gently slipping off her tall riding boot and rolling down her stocking. His fingers, gentle, grabbed the end of the linen and unwrapped her calf. She could see spots of fresh blood dotting the white cloth.
“Dammit, Bree, I knew I should have demanded you stay at Notlund.”
“I was not about to let that happen, Seb, and you know it.” She tried to bend her leg up, pulling it from his inspection.
He snatched her ankle, keeping her from escaping him. His fingers prodded about the cuts on her calf. “Then we should have at least spent the night at Plarington.” He glanced at her face. “You hide too much from me, Bree.”
“Apparently, not enough.” Her chin tilted up, the top of her head hitting the bark of the tree. Air reaching her wounds was welcome, but they still panged, even though Sebastian’s hands were beyond soft on her skin.
“You are riding in front of me on my horse the rest of the way home. I will not allow that boot to go back on your leg. And do not even attempt to argue with me, Bree.”
Her eyes dropped to him. Concentration furrowing his brow, he tended to the bloody spots as though it were a newborn babe he dabbed at. Considering the anger in his voice, Brianna shook her head, awed that he could still be so gentle with her.
Her throat swelled.
“I want this, Seb.”
“The stillness?” His focus stayed on her leg.
“Yes.” She watched him, his brown eyes intent on her calf, his hands large against her skin, his heat flowing into her. So much strength, he had, but for her, so much gentle kindness. “And us, Seb. I want us, but I am so afraid.”
His gaze came up to her. “Afraid of what?”
“When you told me about your family, Seb—about your life before the war. How happy you were. How content. And then how it all just disappeared—how you lost all of it.”
“Yes.”
“It was the very same for me. I was happy. I knew how to laugh. I knew how to have fun. We all did, my family. We were content.” On her lap, her fingernails started to dig into her thumbs, one by one, as her eyes went to her skirts. “But then the viscount was killed. Then my father. And in a moment, it was gone—all of the joy. All of the happiness. It was so incredibly hard to move on from that. And I have not, for one day, felt right since the moment Gregory killed my father.”
Her head rose as she found his brown eyes. “Not until you. I get glimpses of what happiness is. When I allow myself to see the moments, they are moments of happiness. Moments of right.”
Sebastian tenderly set her leg down, moving up alongside her. “Brianna, that is a good thing.”
“That is a terrifying thing.” Her head shook slowly. “I do not know if I want happiness.”
“Madness, Bree.” His brow furrowed. “Why not?”
“I cannot have happiness again, only to lose it.”
For a moment, his mouth opened, but words did not escape. With a quiet nod, his mouth closed.
“You are the same as me, are you not?”
“Yes.” He grabbed her hands, stilling her fingers. “But I am trying extremely hard not to be. To allow myself this—you—us—without letting the ghosts of the past steal the present.”
“How do you manage to do it?”
“Unfounded arrogance.” Sebastian shrugged. “I do not believe fate will do it to me again—rip my life apart. Not now.”
“I need some of that arrogance.” She shook her head, her eyes going up to the long swaying branches. “It is little things from those days. Little things that haunt me. Little things I did not do at the end, take the time to care about.”
A soft smile came to her lips. “Papa—the day before he died he wanted to walk with me in the gardens—just a simple stroll like we always used to do when I was a child. Just walk along, the two of us, him plucking blooms and tucking them all throughout my hair. I loved those walks.”
Her smile evaporated. “But that day before he died—I wanted to do something else—something that had so little importance that I do not even remember what it was. So I did not go. A walk. One walk. Simple. And it is the one thing I would move heaven and earth to do over. Say yes.”
“Brandy.”
Her look fell to him. “Brandy?”
“Brandy. One more.” Sebastian’s cheek lifted in a grim half smile. “The night before I left for the war, my brother wanted to have one more brandy with me. It was already well into the dark morning. The tavern empty. One more, he said. Just one. But I resisted. I did not want to be tired when I left in the morning. So I retired. It was the last time I saw him.”
Sebastian’s gaze dropped, his hands tightening on hers. “Ten more minutes with him. What would it have hurt? Ten minutes.”
Brianna tilted her head back, trying to drown gathering tears. “Plucking flowers—what would it have hurt?”
Silence fell upon them, thick, torments of the past heavy until Brianna could take the memories no longer. Her gaze went down to her lap as her hands flipped over under his, her palms sliding onto his wrists. “I wish…”
“You wish what?”
“I just wish all of this was gone. I wish Harry was safe. I wish Lily was married to a man that adored her. I wish you had mended ways with your mother.”
“And what about you, Bree? What do you wish for yourself?”
She closed her eyes, swallowing hard. What did she wish for herself?
She knew it. Knew it, but could barely speak the words. Her eyes came up to his. “I wish I could tell you I love you, Seb, without part of me resisting—refusing it because I am so scared to live a life that could be ripped from me at any moment.”
“You love me—except for that one part?” His voice was rough.
“I do. Save for that part that cannot bear it, I do.” Her fingers came up, resting on the dark stubble along his cheek. She could not control the tears that swelled in her eyes. “But do yo
u not see how wrong this is, that I cannot tell you this with freedom—with a happy heart?”
His hands captured her face, thumbs wiping the edges of her eyes. “I will make another deal with you, Bree. You hold onto the part that loves me without hesitation. And that troublesome part of you—the part that holds so fast to the fear—that part you need to leave to me. It is for me to whittle away at—whittle down until there is no fear left.”
Brianna’s chest tightened at his words, her heart aching.
If he could do that, truly do that for her… impossible. She swallowed hard. But she wanted to believe. Believe for him.
She nodded.
~~~
Not wanting Sebastian to see the motion, Brianna adjusted her leg on the sidesaddle as minutely as she could. Now was not the time for him to demand they take a break.
She looked over at Sebastian in the twilight. They were finally close to Plarington, only a few minutes away, and it had been an exhausting day—getting to Harry and Frannie in Hoppleton, packing up the few belongings they could take with them, and then traveling to the new town.
Their horses side-by-side, Frannie rode behind them alongside the horse carrying the belongings. Aside from it being the fastest way to get them to Plarington, Sebastian had not wanted to chance a carriage that could be identified delivering Frannie and Henry to the new home.
Brianna’s heart tightened as she looked at her husband’s profile. Harry was tucked in front of him, squirrelled up on his side, his cheek on Sebastian’s chest. The boy was fast asleep, and had been for the last hour of the ride. As comfortable and peaceful as Harry looked, she realized the awkward position Sebastian had to hold himself in just to keep Harry settled.
Harry murmured something, snuggling his head further into the crook between Sebastian’s chest and arm. If there was one thing Brianna had learned about her husband today, it was that he had a well of incredible patience—both with Harry and the entire situation. The last time she had moved Frannie and Harry, it had not gone nearly this well.
Sebastian glanced at her, a soft smile on his face.
Brianna’s heart tightened even further. That he did all of this, all of this just to help her, to ease her burden—she could not thank enough the fate that he was always talking about.
Minutes later, Sebastian was sliding Harry down from his lap to Frannie’s waiting arms. They had stopped all of the horses behind the new cottage so as to not draw attention to their arrival.
On the edge of Plarington, in the middle of a row of seven matching cottages, the home they had rented for Harry and Frannie was clean and bright, and there were other children in neighboring cottages for Harry to play with. Brianna knew she never would have found such a perfect place for them on her own.
Frannie carried Harry, still sleeping, in through the back door of the cottage as Brianna started to tie the horses to the post. Sebastian went right to the mound of belongings on the back of the fourth horse, removing them and piling them by the back door.
Brianna went to help him, but he caught her arm, stopping her from grabbing a heavy bag. “No. Let me. You can help unpack inside, but I do not want any more strain upon your leg.” He stopped, looking at her as he held a large satchel in front of his chest. “How is your leg? It was a long ride and you were fidgeting at the end of it.”
So much for hiding anything from him. Brianna shrugged. “It is not the most comfortable thing. But neither is it the worst.”
Sebastian’s eyes narrowed at her, and then with an acquiescing nod, he continued to move the belongings. Brianna stood by the door, watching him go back and forth from the horse.
“Harry quite adores you, Seb. It only took him a short time to warm to you, and then he could not leave you alone.” She fingered the twine wrapped around a burlap bag on the increasing mound next to her. She caught his eye as he set down his next load. “And you are very natural around him, Seb.”
“People are unnatural around children?”
“You would be surprised.”
He stacked three iron pots next to the pile. “Were these truly necessary?”
Brianna shrugged. “Frannie thinks they are. They have made every move, so I doubted you would be able to convince her otherwise. I never have.”
He turned back to the horse, head shaking. “Harry is a fine lad. And entertaining with his stories.”
She chuckled. “And he had a thousand to tell you.”
“That he did.” Sebastian continued his unloading.
“It makes me wish they could come with us to Notlund as you suggested, but we cannot risk it.” She watched Sebastian untie the last bundle from the horse. “Not now. Maybe someday.”
“You would like that, Brianna? Harry to live with us?”
She bit her tongue, afraid to utter the words. It was an unattainable dream, Harry living with them, safe, with no threat. No threat to Harry meant no threat to her. No threat to Lily. A dream.
Sebastian came to her, stopping in front of her. He set the last bundle next to his feet, and stood, looking down at her as he smacked his hands clean. “We will fix this, Bree—I will fix this. This—for you, for Harry, for Frannie—this is not what life should be.”
His voice hard, his hand went along her neck, fingers running up her spine in the exact spot that always sent shivers along her scalp. “I swear I will fix this, Bree. And I would like very much for Harry to live with us, if it will make you happy.”
She nodded, eyes closed. How very much she wanted to believe that. Believe this could be over. “Seb, seeing you today with Harry…”
“Yes?”
“It has made me think beyond this summer. Beyond today. I imagine Lily will be married soon, if she has anything to say on the matter. So our need to stay at Notlund will have ended, save for your business there with the horses, of course.”
“And you are wondering where our home will be?”
“Yes. We cannot live at Notlund forever.”
Sebastian’s hand dropped from her and he rubbed the scruff along his jawline. “I had not considered it. For the first time I have honestly been happy being in one place, and I had not thought past today. But you are right. I do believe it is time to consider the future.”
“What about your lands in Suffolk, your ancestral home?”
Sebastian instantly shook his head. “Mother is at Callish Hall, so I leave that domain to her. She has made it understood that I should not step foot on the Callish estate.”
Brianna stepped closer to him, grabbing the lapels of his dark jacket. “Is there no way to mend the break between you two?”
His jaw stiffened. “No.”
“Are you positive?”
“I have not been able to convince her of it, Bree. I destroyed everything she held dear, and there is no recovery from it.”
“But it is still unfair. It is your home. Maybe if—”
“Do not push this, Brianna.”
Her mouth snapped shut, stung.
His arms went around her before she could take a step backward. “I am sorry.” He sighed. “We could settle in Goldton, my secondary estate near Newmarket. I have not been by there in years, and I imagine it will need repairs. But it is within a hard, two-day ride from Notlund, which is convenient.”
He angled his head downward so she had to look into his eyes. “Why has Harry made you think of all this?”
She shook her head. “It is just dreams—thoughts—I know I cannot afford to have. Not now.”
“Thoughts of a simple life in the country?”
Her hand went up to his face, fingertips curling along the hair behind his temple. “Honestly, thoughts of you as a father. How could I see Harry with you and not imagine you as a father? You will be amazing—I can already see that.”
Silent, he looked at her stiffly, his eyebrows collapsing together as if she had just spoken in a foreign language to him.
Hand dropping from his temple, Brianna filled her lungs deep, her chest rising as a fro
wn settled on her face and words rushed out. “My mind has wandered into waters it should not have. I know you are just becoming accustomed to staying in one place, to a wife—to not travelling—and I should not speak of a future that may never be, not with the threat on Harry, and not with—”
His fingers went over her mouth, stilling her words. “You speak of babes, Bree, and I do not know what to say.”
Her mouth moved beneath his fingertips. “You do not?”
“I do not know what to say,” his voice went low, heated, “because it makes me want to kick Frannie and Harry out of the cottage this very instant so I can throw you down on a bed and guarantee our first babe is well on his way. We will have that future, Bree. Harry with us. More babes than you can imagine. Half of them tumbling rapscallion boys, half of them the image of you. We will have all of that. Safe. Secure. Happy. You did not come into my life, Bree, not to make it so.”
He wiped the lone tear that had escaped from the corner of her eye.
“But I cannot build that life by myself—not without you, Bree. So I need you to believe in me. Believe that I can make that happen for you.”
Her breath stolen, Brianna could only stare at him, the light from within the cottage reflecting the acute vehemence in his brown eyes.
Slowly, the slight movement holding the weight of all she had ever wanted and had been forced to deny, she nodded.
Words found their way through her clenched throat. “I do. I believe in you, Seb.”
She did. Beyond any reason. Beyond the dread still hanging in her mind. Beyond her once shattered heart, now whole again.
She did believe.
{ Chapter 17 }
Sebastian set the silver serving spoon for the eggs on a saucer, glancing at Lily piling her plate high with marmalade-smeared rolls and bacon.
“You are positive, Lily? I do not want to put you in an awkward position, but I do not have a handy excuse to get her to stay here at Notlund.”
Earl of Destiny Page 19