by Mark Leigh
So, for those who think like me, I’ve produced this handy guide so you can recognise an Oxfam shop and walk straight past it.
How to Recognise an Oxfam Shop*
There are three basic clues:
Window displays that reveal a level of flair and attractiveness some way between 99p shops and shoe-repair kiosks.
Staff so worthy and self-righteous that they make Jesus look like a degenerate.
A range of merchandise absolutely no one wants. Where else, apart from skips or bonfires, would you find the following?:
Whitesnake, Alison Moyet and Dexy’s Midnight Runners LPs
VHS copies of The Fly II, Top Gun and anything featuring Rosanna Arquette
Ties so wide and gaudy that even Nelson Mandela wouldn’t wear one
Joanna Lumley and Sir Alex Ferguson autobiographies
Disappointing paperbacks by Jilly Cooper, Jackie Collins and Harold Robbins
Ten-year-old cricketing yearbooks
Jigsaws with at least 15 per cent of the pieces missing
A range of ethnic handicrafts that redefine the words ‘unnecessary’ and ‘ugly’
Bars of chocolate with levels of cocoa concentrate so high that you will likely get diarrhoea just by smelling them. Or reading the label
A small wooden car made by someone who has never, ever seen a car in their life and probably never will
Clothing that still smells of dead people
*Apart from the fact that it will say Oxfam in big letters on its fascia. But that’s just detail.
The UKIP Anthem
We had the ‘UKIP Calypso’ out last year as a sort of unofficial theme song and it was really funny. And poignant, of course, but I got a lot of flak because it was sung in a fake Caribbean accent. Bloody hellfire! It’s a calypso isn’t it? How else is it meant to be sung? With a Brummie twang or a South African… well, whatever you call that abominable accent of theirs? Anyway, that’s water under the bridge, so for this year I decided to take a less controversial route and instead write an anthem based on the worldwide hit ‘YMCA’ by the Village People. Okay, they might not be the sort of people we want in our country, I mean party, and they’re probably all married to each other by now, but it’s a really catchy ditty. Enjoy.
U.K.I.P.
(to be sung to the tune of ‘YMCA’)
Young man, if you hate the EU
I said, young man, I want you in my crew
I said, young man, spread the word that it’s true
There’s no need to be in Europe
It costs, fifty million a day
I said, young man, that’s a huge price to pay
Jean-Claude Juncker, is so surly and rude
Which leads all of us to conclude
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
We have policies, designed to incite
You can hang out towards the right
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
You can get yourself heard; you can protect your job
You can even join a lynch mob
Young man, this country’s a mess
I said, young man, look at the NHS
I said, young man, you really don’t have to guess
The immigrants, it must be their fault
At the, borders there’s a long queue
I said, Poles and the Romanians too
Here to plumb and build, or put up a shelf
If you were arsed, you’d do it yourself
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
We have policies, designed to incite
You can hang out towards the right
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
You can get yourself heard; you can protect your job
You can even join a lynch mob
Young man, I was once in your shoes
I said, I was down and out with the blues
I felt hardship, I felt adversity
A victim, of diversity
That’s when someone came up to me,
And said, young man, there’s something you ought to see
It’s a party, awash in purple and yellow
A great bunch of decent fellows
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
We have policies, designed to incite
You can hang out towards the right
U.K.I.P. It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
Young man, young man; there’s no need to feel shame
Young man, young man; you know who’s to blame
U.K.I.P. It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
Young man, young man; there’s no need to feel shame
Young man, young man; you know who’s to blame
U.K.I.P. It’s good to vote for the U.K.I.P.
[to fade]
Why Don’t the Chattering Classes Just Shut Their Gobs?
Sometime I feel like I’m Hitler. And when I say that, I mean from a Second World War strategic point of view, of course.
What I’m alluding to is that I’m having to use the limited resources at my disposal to fight simultaneously on two fronts. In his case it was the Red Army to the east and the advancing allies to the west. In my case I’m battling not just against the bully boys of the EU but those within my own country who are trying to defeat me. I’m talking about the so-called liberal elite (their words, not mine), the Chattering Classes.*
You know the sort of people I mean… the type that drink Fairtrade coffee, re-use hessian shopping bags, host Oscar parties and make sure they offset their carbon footprint (which doesn’t need offsetting as global warming is an obvious lie, but that’s another issue anyway).
I know it’s wrong to generalise and stereotype, like saying that all French people are arrogant, all Bulgarians are lazy and all Nigerians are scam artists – but most stereotypes persist because they are actually based on fact. Such it is with the Chattering Classes…
The UKIP Guide to Identifying a Member of the Chattering Classes
They don’t have a TV
It’s not because they think that most programmes appeal to the lowest common denominator or because they abhor the political bias of the BBC. The only reason they don’t have a TV is purely so they can tell other people they don’t have a TV.
They eat in fusion restaurants
Forget Chinese, Indian, Italian – even Lebanese, Vietnamese and Cuban… they’re all ‘so last year’ as far as the Chattering Classes are concerned. That’s why you’ll see them tucking into some Frankenstein abomination in über trendy restaurants that combine, for example, Hungarian and Nigerian, Lebanese and Icelandic, or Australian and Scandinavian cuisine… Salted ostrich and herring pie anyone?
They have lots of kitchen gadgets
Apart from the homeware department of John Lewis, where else can you see the following gadgets but in the kitchen of a member of the Chattering Classes: electric garlic press, ravioli crimper, individual egg cooker, pineapple core remover, pasta maker and avocado de-stoner. And do you absolutely, positively have to have six rice steamers to cater for white, brown, black, long grain, basmati and pilau?
They drive a Toyota Prius
Although described as a car for those who know nothing about cars and even less about real world fuel economy, the Prius does come with a lot of features as standard. These include extra self-satisfaction, an abundance of righteousness and added smugness. There are cheaper, cleaner and more economical cars than the Prius but the Chattering Classes don’t care. They buy them in droves not because they’re better for the environment, but because they make a statement. And that statement is: ‘I’m a prick’.
Their pushchairs have three wheels
The only reason for a buggy to have a large sticky-out wheel at the fr
ont is so you can whack it into other peoples’ shins and ankles and make them even more aware that you’re a Chattering Classes parent. Oversize and shod with knobbly tyres that look like you could transport your child to safety from the bottom of a deep quarry, these impractical pushchairs are new mothers’ first priority after bringing a new life into the world. That, and enrolling their newborn in baby yoga classes.
They eat cheese no one has ever heard of
Wine bores at Chattering Classes dinner parties have been replaced by cheese bores. These are people who know their Lüneberg from their Limburger and their Harbourne Blue from their Bleu d’Auvergne – and won’t let you forget. Naturally, they buy their cheeses from either a specialist gourmet store or the local farmers market and will say things like, ‘Of course, you realise that it’s the addition of cream to the whey that differentiates a manouri from a feta.’ Or, ‘You’ll just love this remarkable bryndza from the Ukraine. It’s crumbly yet slightly moist with a characteristic tang, evocative of the savoury Liptauer from Vienna.’
But you already knew that.
Their children are all gifted
Irrespective of their child’s ability or performance at school (usually a Free School founded by Toby Young), all Chattering Classes parents claim their little Lucien or Jocasta is gifted. If their child is an academic over-achiever then the accolade naturally applies. If they’re disruptive or suffer from ADHD then this is because they’re too bright for school and get awfully frustrated; and if their child is as thick as two short planks, it’s because they’re far too creative or far too advanced to care about the minutiae of lessons. It’s a win-win-win situation.
*So called because they just like to hear themselves talk.
A Convenient Lie:
The Truth About Global Warming Or Why the 2008 Climate Change Act is Just a Load of Liberal Hot Air
First they called it global warming but when they noticed that some parts of the world were experiencing severe freezes they renamed it, conveniently, climate change.
And by ‘they’ I mean environmentalists.
And by ‘environmentalists’ I mean crackpot liars.
How can you take these people seriously when they can’t even agree on the so-called apocalyptic consequences of climate change? Some say the polar ice caps will melt, flooding coastal areas and submerging whole island nations like Atlantis. Others say the build-up of greenhouse gases will make the earth the same temperature as Venus, evaporating every single last drop of water on the planet. And I say, it’s not going to happen.
Sure, the temperature of the earth rises and falls and the weather changes just like… well, like the weather – but it’s always done that. Here are two words that might give you a clue as to why: the Sun. So how do I know it’s a purely natural phenomenon? Well, I’m not going to get all sciencey and bamboozle you with boring statistics about CO2 levels, ozone depletion, glacial retreat or Arctic sea ice loss. That’s detail and as you know, I’m a Big Picture Man.
And for me, the Big Picture is that it’s all a scam perpetuated by desperate, grasping scientists trying to make a name for themselves and get their hands on huge research grants. Sadly, those gullible idiots in the Labour Party and at the EU fell for it hook, line and sinker and they set targets for reducing CO2 emissions. The result is that the EU is now making us buy those stupid twisty energy-saving light bulbs that have to warm up like an old TV set and give as much illumination as a baby’s night light, and vacuum cleaners that suck as much as Vince Cable’s business skills.
Plus, under the guise of ‘reduced emissions’ they foist rubbish small engine Citroën, Renault and Peugeot hatchbacks on to us – not to help the environment but to help the French car industry.
But the worst offender of all the politicians is Al Gore who, in 2006, wrote An Inconvenient Truth. In this he called the threat of global warming ‘the most serious problem our civilization faces’.
He’s wrong.
It’s lying politicians.
8 Reasons I Know Global Warming Is a Lie
If the earth were really getting warmer it would cost less to heat our homes. Have you taken a look at your fuel bills lately?
Warmer temperatures would also mean that we get fewer colds. I don’t know about you but my Lemsip expenditure has remained static.
By now, if you believe all the CO2 data, the greenhouse effect should have turned Africa into a lush wilderness. Really? I recently looked at photos of the Sudan and photos taken by NASA’s Mars Rover… and I couldn’t tell the difference.
If it were hotter you’d expect a run on Factor 4 sun cream at Boots. I went into my local branch and they had plenty of bottles. Not just that, but loads of after sun too.
Likewise, I’ve been extremely worried that my local newsagent would run out of Strawberry Mivvis and Magnums, but the ice cream freezer at Mr Patel’s is always full (albeit exorbitantly expensive).
Increased CO2 would act like a fertilizer. Add the fact that warmer weather would lead to longer growing seasons and higher food production and, as a consequence, lower prices… So how come I went into my local Morrisons last Wednesday and prices were as expensive as Mr Patel’s?
Warmer temperatures would mean there’d be no need for a winter wardrobe. Some hope! Last December my wife still went out and bought a pair of brand new high wedge-heel calf boots and a quilted long zip coat. Women!
Why hasn’t Blackpool become the equivalent of Monte Carlo or Cannes? Last time I visited they still had bingo halls instead of casinos and donkeys instead of super yachts (though the locals did have a strange accent, I’ll give you that).
Citizenship Test
The Government calls it a way of checking that immigrants have a satisfactory knowledge of British life and adequate knowledge of English. I call it a bad pub quiz… and I’ve seen enough of those.
The main problem is that the current test, introduced by Labour, is completely irrelevant and also far too easy. Who cares when women were allowed the vote* or how old Big Ben is? And you’ve got to be incredibly stupid not to know the country where Welsh is spoken or the name of the bloke who built Hadrian’s Wall. Yes… these are actual questions.
When UKIP gets into power we’re going to scrap the current online ‘Life in the UK’ Test and replace it with one that’s far more appropriate to people wanting to settle here. And by more appropriate, I mean making sure we only accept the right type of people. At the end of the day you can’t give citizenship away like some cheap free gift you get with a Happy Meal.
The UKIP Life in the UK Test
Time allowed: 20 minutes
Rules
1. Answer all the questions by clicking the appropriate statement. That’s it. Even a foreigner should be able to cope with that.
2. If you score over 100 points you will be allowed to remain in the country.
For now.
NB. This is the only version of the test. There isn’t one where we’ve wasted good money translating it into your native language, not even if your native language isn’t really a language at all, but more a collection of random doodles that look more like Klingon than a proper alphabet.
WARNING
You have to complete this test yourself. There’s no point getting one of your extended family to take it for you and think just because you’re swarthy and look alike, we won’t find out… we will. We can do this as we have a very particular set of skills. Skills that make UKIP a nightmare for people like you. If you complete the test properly, that will be the end of it. We will not look for you, we will not pursue you. But if you don’t, we will look for you, we will find you, and we will kill you.
SECTION 1
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOURSELF
Using the following paint shades, how would you describe the colour of your skin?
Cool white
[10 points]
Ivory
[8 points]
White with a hint of brown
[4 points]
; Buttercup yellow
[2 points]
Deep vanilla
[2 points]
Sweet caramel
[2 points]
Rich walnut
[2 points]
Coffee kiss
[2 points]
Evening shadow
[2 points]
Midnight charcoal
[2 points]
Deep ebony
[2 points]
Ethnically speaking, which of these Walt Disney films do you most feel an affinity with?
Mary Poppins