by Tony Black
For Jimmy ‘the Piper’ Murray
Acknowledgements
So many people have helped make the publication of this book a lot easier than it should have been and I’d like to thank – in no particular order and with apologies to those I’ve left out unintentionally – Cheryl McEvoy, first reader, serial editor and all-round lovely person: huge thanks for everything, Chez! Julie Lewthwaite, thanks for an outstanding editing job, and sparing my blushes, not for the first time. Michael Malone, a big thank you for that all-important read through, and copious coffees at Su Casa. And, as always, thanks to my beloved and precious wife Cheryl for allowing me to write a book when we had a one-year-old in the house.
Till fate shall snap the brittle thread;
Then, all unknown,
I’ll lay me with th’ inglorious dead
Forgot and gone!
Robert Burns,
Epistle to James Smith
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Epigraph
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Epilogue
Copyright
Chapter 1
It was like watching an old clock wind down, or the battery in a child’s toy car cough the last few revolutions of energy to the wheels. Time froze, or at least, that’s how it felt. You watched the slow-motion demise with a kind of detached uncertainty, a disbelief almost; not just for what you were seeing, but for the fact that so much time had passed before this point. Where had the years went? The long days of summer and the longer nights of cold winter when the dog curled himself in a black ball before the fire and shivered with each shrill blast breaking beneath the door.
I stroked his back but he remained motionless. Ben was silent now, as he was most days. He didn’t bark like he used to, get enraged at a passer-by on the path beyond the garden or a rattle of the letterbox. He slept soundly most of the day, occasionally dragging himself towards the water bowl or the back door. I kept the door open for him, let him trail into the garden and seek out the odd oblong of sunlight where he’d lie down on the grass. He was totally blind but could always find the warmest patch. Was it habit? Instinct?
His instincts were telling him something else, too; in his own mute way he was informing me what he knew for sure. I’d tried to ignore him when he put his milky-white eyes on me and started the stertorous gasps for breath, but I’d never been very good at wilful ignorance. Facts were facts and didn’t cease to exist because they were ignored, or so I’d heard on the force.
‘So, that’s that, Ben …’
The dog barely raised a stiff grey eyelid at the sounding of his name. His heavy breathing bothered him, his tongue lolling on the side of his mouth.
‘Come on, boy.’
There didn’t seem any point to the pretence of attaching the lead, but I afforded him that dignity. He managed to walk all the way from the kitchen to the front door before his legs swayed beneath him, then he lay down and put his head upon his paws.
I eased onto my haunches and set a hand on his head; there wasn’t a flicker of recognition. I carried him the rest of the way to the car and placed him on the back seat.
‘Good boy.’ The words of solace were more for me than him – his hearing had recently went from selective to non-existent. I felt a dig of conscience for having prolonged his misery for so long.
On the way along the Maybole Road towards the veterinary practice, I tried to clear my mind; opened the window and let a little of the warm sun insinuate itself on my skin. It seemed too nice a day for the task at hand; on sunny days the Ayrshire coast came alive within the sparkling seas. Such a rarity was not to be missed, but I knew I’d remember this day for all the wrong reasons.
The Audi’s dash lit up; it was my mobile phone ringing through the blue-tooth connection. I pressed the ‘receive call’ button.
‘Hello …’
‘Alright, Doug. How you doing there, mate?’
It was a voice I recognised, another mate I’d collected – or should that be an old mate I’d reconnected with – during my year of settling back into the old home town. It was strange how the decades of distance seemed to account for nothing, a brief retelling was all that was needed before the reminiscences of times gone by covered over the gaps.
‘Andy, how’s yourself?’
‘Och, mair to fiddling … you know the score.’
That I did. The score had, if it was possible, settled into negative figures for my old friend. I tried to tip my voice into the vicinity of hale fellow well met, but it was a battle. I eyed the motionless dog on the backseat as I spoke, ‘Look, I’m driving, Andy, what can I do you for?’
‘Driving, on the hands-free, I hope?’
‘Aye, taking the dog to the vet …’
‘Oh, I see … the time’s come then?’
I’d filled Andy in on my current quandary with the dog. ‘I think so.’
Andy reversed the roles, tried to play the chipper hand; I didn’t think he knew it was in the pack. ‘Well, you’ll be needing a pint after a job like that, Doug …’
He wasn’t wrong. I’d been trying to cut back on my drinking of late, reducing the intake to a couple of nights a week. Too many of my mates, like Andy, seemed to restrict themselves to only on days with a ‘y’ in.
‘I don’t know, I mean …’
Andy cut me off, his tone shifted into an area that was all new to me. ‘Oh, come on … you know I’m right. It’s on me, as well.’
Andy never stood his round, and his luck at the bookies was all one way.
‘Is everything okay, pal?’ I said.
‘Okay … Christ, aye. Never been better.’
He was overdoing it, protesting too much. My curiosity dial went up to eleven.
‘Okay, give me an hour, and I’ll see you in Billy Bridge’s.’
‘Smashing, mate … see you there.’
The line died.
As I was pulling into the vets, negotiating the pot-holed car park, I sought out a space as close to the front door as I could. I knew I’d have to carry Ben in there.
I stilled the engine and removed the key from the ignition. As I turned towards the old dog, the shift of his breath was barely audible, his greying flank rising almost imperceptibly.
I felt my throat constricting as I turned away and opened the car door.
The sun was warm on my face but my heart was cold in my chest.
‘Here we are now, Ben.’
Chapter 2
Ben barely acknowledged the long needle; it went in without any struggle. I remembered him as a pup, his first injections, and the trouble I’d had stopping
him from rearing up on the vet’s table. Those days seemed a million years ago. There was no struggle now, just a slow release from the pains of existence. The dog lay there, his life’s force spent; I tried to pat his head, ruffle his ears, but there was no reaction. He was gone. There was nothing left of the old Ben I once knew.
I walked from the small surgery towards the front counter and fumbled for my wallet. More people had arrived now, the busy time of the evening starting up.
‘It’s okay,’ said the receptionist.
Her words confused me. ‘Sorry?’
‘There’s nothing to pay just now … we’ll take care of the arrangements and let you know.’
I returned my wallet to the inside of my jacket and headed for the door. I didn’t think I had even thanked them for their kindness.
In the car I sat with the window open and lit a Marlboro. I hadn’t noticed my hands were shaking, or the cigarette burning out, until the long cylinder of grey ash fell from the tip and landed on my jeans.
‘Christ …’
I brushed my hand over the mess and two white streaks stretched out across my thighs. I felt a desolate emptiness setting up lodgings in the hollows of my heart; I knew the tobacco smoke wasn’t going to fill it. I flicked the Marlboro onto the street and started the ignition.
It didn’t seem to matter how hard I tried to rationalise what had just happened, or to push the thoughts away. Everywhere I looked was a reminder of better days, of strolls with Ben on the way to the park at Rozelle, past times when memory wasn’t the predominant thought process. Was I so shallow that the dog’s passing was another reminder of my own mortality; of how much of life I had squandered and how little was left to make a difference? I was dipping into melancholy and I knew it was a deep pit of despair. I flattened the pedal and beat the temporary lights outside the Tesco Express.
I took the direct route to Billy Bridge’s and parked outside the hall on Cathcart Street. We’d recently seen a return of traffic wardens in the town, but the sign told me I was safe from them at this hour. The way shops were closing in the Auld Toun it seemed pointless charging for parking, but I suppose the Cooncil had to make ends meet somehow.
On the Sandgate I stopped outside the travel agents and eyed the package deals for trips to Spain.
An old giffer in a bunnet stood beside me and shook his head. ‘Wouldn’t fancy Turkey or Greece, this weather.’
I took his point, had seen the rioting against austerity measures on the news.
‘For once Mexico seems like a safer option,’ I said.
He nodded out a gruff grunt in reply and was off. I turned away myself; a holiday seemed like a waste of money in my current mindset.
In Billy’s I spied Andy at the bar, half way down a pint of heavy. He raised the glass and smiled as I approached.
‘How do, mate?’
‘Andy …’
‘Can I get you a pint?’
‘Aye, please …’
I pulled out a barstool, but just to rest my foot on the side of it. Since my last hospital visit my back was too delicate to sit on a hard stool for any length of time; still, I was lucky to be alive, that’s what the papers said.
‘So, to what do I owe the misfortune?’ I said.
‘Just needed a night out the house,’ said Andy. ‘You know how it gets to you.’
I did that. My life was a battle against boredom these days. I knew every inch of the four walls of the lounge. Early retirement had been forced upon me, it wasn’t an option I’d have went for on my own steam.
‘You must miss the action from your days on the force?’
My pint arrived, I sipped the head. ‘Sometimes.’
‘Only sometimes … Come on, you’re climbing the walls, I bet.’
There was something about Andy’s expression that got me thinking, the way he seemed to be selling me on an idea all of his own.
I played along. ‘It’s not like the telly, y’know, it’s a job like any other.’
He swayed on his stool, seemed to lilt to the side. ‘Oh, go away. You wouldn’t have got involved in that young girl’s murder business if you didn’t miss the cut and thrust!’
I felt a wry smile creep up the side of my face. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I’d had my own reasons for getting involved in that investigation; not least the oldest excuse in the book.
I sidetracked. ‘Quiet in here tonight.’
Andy’s brows dropped. He was obviously happy keeping the conversation on track. ‘Look, I always wanted to ask you about that … you made quite a name for yourself in Auld Ayr, y’know that!’
‘Did I now?’
Andy put his pint down, tapped his fingers together and made dizzying revolutions with his thumbs. I could see he was concentrating; it was a new look. Mostly, Andy concentrated on where the next pint was coming from.
‘Who have you been talking to, Andy?’
‘What? Me? … No one.’
I waited for the conspiratorial wink, it was such an obvious lie, but none came.
‘Andy, you’ve been preparing the ground since I came in; before, even, if you include the phone call. Now either someone has put you up to this, or you’re in some kind of bother yourself, credit me with some of the skills you’ve just been talking about.’
He sighed, let his eyes wander left to right and then he straightened his back.
‘Well, let’s just say, for the sake of it, that I knew someone who knew of you but didn’t know how to get in touch …’
‘Okay, let’s say that. Go on.’
‘And, well, this someone was very interested in putting some work your way …’
I lowered my pint, started to button my jacket. ‘And there would be a drink in it for you, no doubt.’
‘No way.’ He leaned back, opened and closed his mouth quickly. ‘Well, only a small one …’
‘Thanks, but no thanks, Andy.’ I headed for the door.
‘Doug … Doug …’
I heard Andy running behind me, as I reached the street he clutched my arm.
‘Doug, please, just hear me out … this isn’t just anybody we’re talking about.’ He swayed in the doorway for a moment, glanced down to the street then shuffled towards me. ‘Look, I was asked to give you this.’
I stopped still. ‘You were what?’
Andy reached behind him and withdrew a small manila envelope from his back pocket. ‘I don’t know what’s in it, but then, maybe that’s for the best.’
Chapter 3
I headed back up the street with Andy’s envelope in my hand. I didn’t look at it, or even consider what accepting it might mean; merely forced it into my inside pocket and tried to forget it was there. I didn’t want to become known as the Auld Toun’s default gumshoe, that was never an ambition of mine, but I could tell by the desperate look in Andy’s eyes that I might not be given an option on that front.
In Ayr, like every other small town, people talked. They talked about who you were and what you were. Mostly – it might have been a peculiarly west-coast thing – they liked to talk about people who were somebody. If you made money, you were somebody and if you made headlines you were somebody. Ayr liked to know who was walking its streets, or liked to think it did. People traded gossip about each other like football stickers, it didn’t matter the accuracy, so long as it won them points on the cobbles of New Market Street or under the bus stop’s shelter. It was currency and I needed to accept that my stock was up right now.
At the car I halted and turned my gaze back towards the Sandgate; I could just make out the barber’s dummy in the window of Levano’s. I smiled and shook my head, sometimes the familiar felt good but I knew its influence was a finite thing; I was wondering how long I would last here. It had been a good move coming back after my divorce, and the sacking from the force. I had time to lick my wounds, recuperate even. But now I felt like a man with a neon light above his head wherever he went. Options would have to be weighed, I knew it.
My mobile let out a chirp.
It was a text:
I saw you today, but didn’t know if I should speak.
‘What the hell?’
There was no contact or name attached to the number, which I didn’t recognise.
I felt the edges of my eyes creasing, it was a move shy of head-scratching consternation.
I stared at the screen of my iPhone, my one concession to modernity. ‘Who’s this?’
It didn’t make any sense. I hadn’t made any new contacts of late. I’d deleted a few, though – maybe it was one of them.
I put the key in the ignition and started the car. At the end of the street I looked around to see if there was anyone I recognised, but there was just a couple of snoutcasts outside Billy Bridge’s and a man carrying a Glasgow Herald and a pint of milk from the newsagents across the road. I shook it off and headed for home.
Outside the old cattle market I dropped the gears and contemplated a trip into Morrison’s to collect a ready meal for one, but the prospect seemed just too depressing. At the roundabout I upped the revs. By Belmont I heard my phone chime again.
It was another text, but I didn’t pull over. The level-crossing was flashing up ahead; I followed the slowing queue of traffic and stopped just short of a Range Rover bearing the obligatory ‘Ayr’ number plate.
‘Pretentious git,’ I mumbled as I reached for the phone and went into my texts.
I didn’t think you’d reply, please don’t think I blame you.
I stared at the screen for a moment, tried to disinter some hint of understanding, but none came. It wasn’t a tone I recognised, if you could retrieve someone’s tone from a mere text.
‘I don’t get it.’ My head shook on auto-pilot.
I heard the train coming and looked up. A passenger carriage with children pressed up to the window, waving at the row of vehicles. I stared at the bright image, sweeping past my eyes in a blur, but failed to make any sense of it.
I knew my emotions were all over the place after taking Ben to the veterinary. It wasn’t so long since I’d buried my mother and very soon I’d have to box up her house and sell it on. I felt raw, too raw to use my mind for anything more than the most facile of tasks – eating, drinking sleeping, I could just about manage. But something told me the world was about to impress itself on me in its usual testing fashion.