sit
staring
at
the
blank
TV
screen.
A
nation
of
two.
After
a
civil
war.
(BRENDAN)
My Heart
didn’t beat for
ten minutes.
My worlds colliding.
Angel Vanessa
Vandalizing trans boyfriend.
It took all I had
to act casual,
and then annoyed.
All I had
to turn
to Vanessa
after she apologized
to kiss
to cuddle.
And when she fell for
my Brendan-the-everyday-guy routine
I became the ugliest hypocrite
in the universe.
“Trust me,” I told her.
But my lie is so much bigger
than anything
she could imagine.
Trust me not to cheat
trust me to treat you well
trust me to make love to you
trust me to guard your reputation
afterward.
Just don’t trust me
to be who I say I am. I lie.
Guilt Is Beach Sand
on a second-degree burn
keeping you up
at night
no comfortable
way to rest.
Be honest
with people
you care about.
Impossible,
right?
But maybe
there’s a
guilt-lessening
trade-off?
Sort of
aloe vera
on a sunburn.
Not honesty
about everything
but there is something—
a position that will
allow for sleep.
(Angel)
1 a.m.: The Phone Rings
Fish it out of my purse
at the end of my bed.
Denai groans, covers her head
with her pillow—she has work at seven.
Caller ID says Bren.
Phone to ear
I stumble into the bathroom
so D can get back to sleep.
“Brendan? Everything okay?”
And he’s off and talking so fast
my sleepy head can’t hardly keep up.
“… can’t stop thinking about
what you said about honesty
and I have to tell you something
but first I want you to know I’m
already making up for it by
sending money.”
“Huh?”
“Every week I send
money to Willows.”
And now I’m wide awake.
“Twenty-five bucks cash?
Blue envelope?”
“Yeah.”
He takes a breath.
I hear it.
“And I promise I’ll keep sending
it until the window’s paid for.”
I’m all the way alert
but might as well be asleep,
can’t think of one word to say.
“Angel?”
Find my voice.
“You the one broke it?”
He starts talking fast again.
“I’m sorry and
I’m making it up
because I really am sorry—
I feel so bad.”
“Why?”
“Because I broke the window!”
“No, I mean why’d you break it?”
And now he’s quiet
like he’s the one can’t
think of a thing to say.
“I don’t know.”
It’s an effort, keepin’ my voice low
so I don’t wake up everyone
in the apartment.
“You mean to tell me
you threw a rock through a window,
freaked a lot of people out, making
’em think it was some kinda
asshole hate crime and
You Don’t Know Why?”
“No.”
At least he sounds miserable.
“But I’m paying for it
and if there was anything more
I could do, I would.”
Which gets me to thinking.
He could come in and apologize
to the community like Liberty had to—
let everyone see the monster
under the bed was just some
punk-ass kid …
Only one problem with that.
Dr. Martina might not appreciate me
bein’ friends with Brendan.
I been tellin’ myself it’s okay—
technically he’s not a client
but he was a potential one
when he stopped by.
It’s a lot to explain.
“Angel? You still there?”
“I got a lot to think about, Brendan.
I gotta go.”
He’s quiet.
“I understand.”
I know I’m the first one
to hang up.
“No Idea What to Do,”
I say to Marcus.
We’re drinkin’ coffee
at his favorite place
and I’m tellin’ him about Brendan,
the broken window, his sending money,
and how I’m not sure I can tell
Dr. Martina what happened
without explaining how I met him.
The Bean Scene has kick-ass mochas
and beaded curtains and jazz.
My favorite thing about it
is that Marcus is comfortable taking me
to places he likes to go.
Means he’s not ashamed.
“But he doesn’t seem
like a hater?”
Marcus asks.
I swallow whipped cream.
“Nuh-uh,” I tell him. “Even though
he practically threw me out
when his girlfriend came over.”
“Maybe he has a crush on you—
didn’t want her to find out,”
he teases.
That makes me smile.
Marcus here’s thinking
I’m so crush worthy and all.
“Nah, nothin’ like that.
I know there’s something
goin’ on with him,
just don’t know exactly…”
“You’re so worried about him,
you can’t stop thinking about it.”
Marcus’s cocoa eyes crinkle; he
leans forward—
kisses me. “I like that about you.”
He leans back again
and I just can’t
stop smiling
even though
that’s not what
I was thinking at all.
One of my favorite things
is hearing what Marcus likes about me—
and tellin’ him what I like about him.
I decide to focus
on that for now … Brendan later.
(BRENDAN)
Angel Was So Pissed Last Night
she practically hung up on me.
I don’t know what I was expecting.
I spent the day
kicking myself.
Was I expecting some
weird kind of
absolution?
No problem, Brendan.
Thank you for confessing.
You’re a vandalizing thug
but at least you’re an honest one
and I’m thrilled to be your friend.
My heart’s
a dried-up walnut
that only opens
&nb
sp; at night
when I’m Larissa.
Hazardous
An unlocked door should never be.
Even with parents at rehearsal.
The door should be locked.
Even with Courtney asleep.
The door should be locked.
When it’s time to be myself.
The door should be locked.
It’s not about girly clothes.
The door should be locked.
It’s about having this silhouette.
The door should be locked.
It’s how I let go of worry.
The door should be locked.
It’s how I forget about trouble.
The door should be locked.
It’s how I like to do homework.
The door should be locked.
I concentrate better.
The door should be locked.
Words flow amazingly well.
The door should be locked.
Until they stop.
“Dude.” Andy bursts in.
The door should be locked.
“What the Fu—”
He can’t even finish
the word.
He’s gaping
at
me
sitting at my desk
in a green satin padded bra.
No excuse.
Nothing to say.
This is what it looks like.
His expression
would be funny
if it didn’t mean
the end of my life.
He bolts.
Will He Tell?
We’ve been friends
since seventh grade.
He wouldn’t
ruin my life.
He won’t tell.
But there’s Lindy,
who squeals when she comes.
He tells me
intimate details
about his girlfriend.
Of course he’ll tell.
Awake All Night
I consider ditching
in the morning
but there’s AP testing.
Throat dry
I go to school.
Andy and I don’t have any
classes together.
Keep
away from each other
in the halls.
After fourth period
I see him with Flannigan.
They’re looking at me
and when I hear them laugh
I know it’s out.
My blood
pools
around my ankles.
I knew he’d tell.
And after school
I know my life is over.
Brendan Chase Is a Fag
Thick, black Sharpie screams
across blue locker room tile.
The hair on
my neck, my wrists, stands up.
I glance around the room,
metal doors clanking open
slamming shut.
“What are you looking at?”
Gil snarls.
“Nothing.” Duck my head
focus on opening my lock.
A voice comes out of
a bathroom stall.
“I’m changing in here, so
the fag doesn’t get a free show.”
Laughter.
Then one by one
my teammates go into the stalls.
Rudy shoves me from behind
on his way past.
Stomach squeezes
ears pound
fingers fumble
with a knot.
I give up
yank my wrestling shoe on
without even untying it
grab my bag
push open the gym door.
Bad idea to
be in the locker room
when Rudy and Gil come out.
Rudy gets to me on the mat anyway.
Reaches into his bag of illegal tricks
to make wrestling really hurt.
Coach looks away.
And as I’m getting crunched into the mat,
and to be honest, half hoping
to get injured so I don’t have
to wrestle at finals next week,
it hits me hard as Rudy’s fists
that I DON’T have to.
My six-term commitment was up last year.
I’m quitting.
No Idea What I’m Going to Say
I don’t bother
going into the locker room.
I wait for everyone to leave.
Vanessa doesn’t look my way
before she heads out.
My guts are
on fire
but it will
all be over soon.
Door to the office is open.
“Coach?”
Voice wavers.
I’m ready to run
if I have to.
He looks up from his desk.
Brave Larissa steps in.
“I quit.”
Even Predictable Explosions Are Scary
“Letting down the team.”
“Not living up to commitment.”
The steam coming out
of the volcano.
I stand my ground
but my toes twitch
ready to take off.
Behind Coach’s eyes heat builds
until hot lava oozes words like “asshole,”
and phrases like “shit-for-brains”
but before they
cover me
I realize
I don’t have to listen;
I’m not on his team.
I back up.
He really looks
a little crazy.
I walk away
fast with the sound of
“Yeah, walk away from me,
you little queer” echoing in my ears.
The halls are empty.
I know
tomorrow
they’ll be
filled with
staring eyes
flapping tongues
pointing fingers.
Still, my pounding heart
slows, quiets.
I’ve always hated Coach,
I’ve always hated wrestling,
and if a school doesn’t want me
because it finds out I quit before
the end of the season,
then
I hate that school, too.
Before Econ the Next Day
Lillian Bruner is
talking to Vincent Lindow,
her male counterpart
in the drama department.
She sees me, gets up.
“Here, take my seat!”
She smiles.
“I was leaving anyway.”
And just before she turns
I see her
give him a wink.
He leans toward me
like we share a secret.
“God, she’s obvious!”
he says.
I feel stupid.
“About what?”
“Little Miss Matchmaker.”
Huh?
“She’s always trying
to set me up with people.”
“But I have a girlfriend,”
I say, and it sounds stupid
especially since
very soon—
once Vanessa hears—
I might not.
“I know, I know.” He waves a hand.
I notice he wears three watches.
“Lil’s obviously decided
you’re my type though.”
(Vanessa)
Flannigan Stops Me
on my way to conditioning.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“For what?”
“Your boyfriend’s a fag—
he quit wrestling.”
“Shut up, Flannigan.”
&
nbsp; He’s always saying stupid things.
“If I’m lying, I’m dying!
And Andy says he
caught him in a bra!”
I stop walking.
A hot white flash
curls my heart.
I don’t know what happened
between them but
that’s a shitty thing to say.
Julie and Tanya aren’t my friends anymore,
but at least they don’t make up lies about me.
“You believe that?” I ask.
“Well—there IS something about him.”
“Shut up,” I say.
“Trust me, he’s all man.”
“Maybe you’re just a cover.”
“Screw you, Flannigan!”
I’m so pissed I want to kill Andy,
who knows Brendan gets depressed
and spreads devastating lies anyway.
What a dick!
I’m sick for Brendan,
I need to go find him—
ditch wrestling
for the first time ever.
I’m headed out the door
when it hits me
that he quit wrestling
but didn’t bother to tell me.
He’s dumping me for sure.
(BRENDAN)
Vanessa’s Car Idles Near the Bus Stop
“Drive you home?”
I nod.
“We need to talk.”
A stone to my
solar plexus.
But she’s right.
There’s no way
she hasn’t heard.
And there’s no way
I can lie my way out.
I’m going to have to say it
and it’s going to be real.
The buzz in my head
makes me
weak-kneed
stepping into her car.
(Vanessa)
You Know That Feeling of Falling
you sometimes get
when you’re asleep?
Your whole body limp, heavy,
and you’re tumbling off
a cliff and there’s a thud
that makes you open your eyes?
Hearing your boyfriend
tell you he wants to be a girl
is the same sensation,
with no thud at the bottom
to wake you up.
There’s Always a Choice?
I had a choice and
I chose Brendan.
Chose to ditch
my friends.
You choose to get up
in the morning
or choose to lie in bed.
Freakboy Page 13