“Adrian, please don’t. Just let me be. OK?” I beg him.
“Sorry, Doll, I can’t do that,” he replies in a wavering voice.
Again with calling me Doll. It’s a name I so loved all those years ago, and longed over the years to hear him say to me again. But, it just reminds me of why I can’t ever let him back in my life again. I can’t let go of the blame and the sadness that belongs solely to me.
“Why? Tell me why, Shay. I want to help you. Tell me what has you so upset all the time. It makes me want to rip the head of off whoever hurt you like this,” he says.
Oh God. No, please this can’t be happening. The dam breaks and tears again flow unwanted down my cheeks.
“Tell me who hurt you?” he asks again so genuinely.
He has no clue that seeing him is what brings me to tears all the time.
“You want to know who hurt me?” I demand.
“Yes, I do. We were once married; I love you. I want to be here for you. Please, just let me do that again, let me be here for you.”
“You love me?” I say, getting really mad now.
My world starts spinning around in my head and all I hear are the hateful words from Ava and his mother, even his own hateful words. Where was his love for me then? They swirl around and combine into one angry monster pointing the finger and all the blame at me. I cover my ears with my hands in an attempt to make them stop. He grabs my hands and tries to bring me in for a hug and again I snap.
“NO! You can’t do this to me. Not again. I can’t be that person ever again,” I scream at him.
“I can’t do what to you? Shay, what are you talking about?” he questions confused, and rightly so.
“You want to know who hurt me?” I ask again with tears streaming down my face.
“Yes, Shay, please, tell me.”
“It was YOU!” I scream.
“Me…” he starts to say, but I interrupt him.
“I overheard you and every single one of your family members in your hospital room blaming me for the accident. I heard every single word Ava said and I heard every single tear your mother shed. Oh, I heard you all loud and clear. All of you blamed me, even you. I heard you tell your family that you blamed me for the accident, that you would lose your scholarship and your career all because of me. I heard you tell them that you wished you’d never met me and that knowing me was the biggest mistake you ever made. I heard your dad tell you that he warned you not to marry me. I heard Ava say she wished it was me that got hurt and not you. That it would have been easier if it were me, because I didn’t have the promising career that you did all laid out in front of you, wrapped in a shiny red ribbon. None of your family cared what happened to me, but I was the one that lost…”
I stop mid-sentence and realize I’m arguing with him. I’ve let him win again. I let him make me mad and I almost just told him the biggest secret ever. I almost told him that he would have been a father, but I killed our baby.
My whole body feels numb, even my lips. I start to shake uncontrollably, as he starts to yell at me.
“You were the one that lost what, Shay? What exactly did you lose? Nothing, you didn’t lose a damn fucking thing. I’m the one with the leg injury that I still deal with on a daily basis. You want to know when it’s going to rain, my leg can tell you. I’m the one that lost their scholarship and yes, lost my chance at turning pro. I also lost my wife, who left me when I needed her the most, she just up and left, poof gone. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me in person. You hired a lawyer and had me served while I was still in the hospital, like a fucking coward. When I got out of the hospital, I found all of your things gone out of our apartment. You couldn’t even tell me where you were going. You left me wondering for seventeen years, Shay. Seventeen fucking years! So yeah, you tell me Shay, what exactly did you lose?”
If I thought that day at the hospital felt like a knife turning and twisting in my heart, it doesn’t even come close to the pain from what he just said to my face. My legs give out and I fall to the ground on my knees and elbows, with my forehead buried in the cold cement and sob uncontrollably. Every word he said is true. I did do all of that. I am a fucking coward.
“Fuck,” he says.
A few seconds later he’s on his knee in front of me and says, “God Shay, I didn’t mean any of that. I’m sorry.”
He tries to pull me into him, but at his touch I see red. That just makes me even angrier that he can pull all of these emotions out of me again. I can do a fine enough job blaming and beating my own self up about all of this. I don’t need or want his help.
I quickly scramble to my feet and say, “No, don’t touch me. You and your family can all go to hell. Just leave me alone.”
I go into the house closing the door behind me. Leaning my back against the door, I can still hear him standing out there. I slide ever so slowly down the door, curl in the fetal position and cry silently.
“Shay, I know you're still there. I can hear you crying. Please come back out. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said any of that. I’m sorry.”
I can’t move, even if I wanted to let him back in. I lay there crying uncontrollably, as silently as I can. After a while, I hear his truck start up and drive away. I fall asleep curled up on the rug, with my back against the door like the dog that I am.
Chapter 5
Adrian
“Fuck!” I say out loud and slam my hand on the steering wheel.
God, why did I do that? I punch the roof of my truck twice and hear bones crack in my knuckles.
All this fucking time she’s been walking around crying around me and it’s been me who’s been doing it to her. Well, fuck her. She’s the one who left me. She left me at a time in my life that I needed her the most. Fuck, I’m so mad, I’m seeing stars! I can’t even talk to anyone in my family about this either, they all hate her. Only one person comes to mind and that’s Willow.
I pull up outside their home and sit in my truck, thinking about what I even think about all this. None of this makes any sense to me. Just then someone knocks on my window startling me. I turn and look to see Willow standing outside my truck holding my niece, Abbey, on her hip. She jerks her head to the side inviting me inside. She doesn’t wait for me to get out of my truck. She walks back in the house, leaving the front door open. I climb out of my truck and with a heavy heart, I walk inside their gorgeous home.
“Asher’s not here babe, sorry. But whatever’s on your mind, I’m here for you,” she says.
“Actually, I didn’t come here to talk to Asher. I kind of want to talk to you.”
“Alright, let me just put this little monkey back in bed and I’ll be right down. Help yourself to a beer in the fridge. You look like you could use one,” she says and goes upstairs to put Abbey to bed.
I get a beer out of her fridge, crack it open and take a long pull before I make my way over to their couch. I slowly sink into the seat and hang my head with my elbows on my knees. I swing the beer bottle between my thumb and forefinger between my legs, wondering how this all happened so fast.
“Is it that bad?” she asks coming back into the room.
As she gets closer, she immediately spots my swollen hand.
“What did you do to your hand? Never mind, you don’t need to answer that. I’ll just go get an ace bandage and wrap that for you. Drink more of that beer, I’ll be right back.”
She comes back with a bandage, takes a seat next to me, pulls my right hand into her lap and wraps it.
When she’s done, she says, “It doesn’t look like it’s broken, but I’m not a doctor. Maybe we should call Kyle to be sure.”
“No, it’s fine. Thank you, the wrap is good enough,” I tell her and take another drink of my beer.
“So, you want to tell me what caused you to do that?” she asks, pointing at my hand.
I tell her everything, from falling in love with Shay to getting married, to our plans for college. I tell her about the accident and how she left me. I tell her wha
t Shay said to me tonight and what I said to her in return.
“She’s just so sad all the time. I get the feeling there’s more that she’s not telling me. I can’t imagine what it is though. She’s devastated about something, it’s written all over her face. You should have heard her cry tonight. I’m so angry at her for leaving me and still I sit here concerned for her, I don’t get it,” I tell Willow.
“Alright, I think I can be unbiased here, since I didn’t know her when you two were together. You’re right though, it sounds like there’s something missing. But, I have to tell you, I’m shocked that your family was so openly mean and would say those horrible things about her. I understand everyone was upset, but she was in that accident too. It sounds like she blames herself for everything, that she’s accepted all the blame, but it seems to me she shouldn’t have to. It was an accident. You said you two were arguing, but all the same, she didn’t cause the actual accident on purpose. It sounds like she already blames herself and to have you and everyone in the family blame her too, was just too much for her to handle. As someone who ran away from my own problems when I was eighteen, I can understand her need to run.”
“She just left and didn’t say a word. She never gave me a chance to try and change her mind. She didn’t even give me a fighting chance. She just left me when I needed her the most,” I tell her.
“I understand you, completely. But, I also understand where she’s coming from too. It sounds like the two of you have things that you really need to talk about. Especially since you have to work together.”
“Fuck, I don’t think she’s going to come back after what happened tonight. You should have seen her. As mad as I am at her, it kills me that I did that to her.”
“I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about this. I think you should go home and sleep on it. If your hand still hurts, I think you should have Kyle look at it.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s not broken. God that woman can bring out the anger in me.”
“I’ll say. I’ve never seen you like this,” she says.
Shay
Think, Shay, think. I honestly don’t think I have a choice. I have to give up this contract and if Stewart wants to fire me, then so be it. I promised myself I would never be this person again, and in a matter of only a few days, I’m right back where I was seventeen years ago.
Like the coward I’m destined to be, I decide to go clear out my desk tonight at Adrian’s trailer. It will make it easier to not have to see him tomorrow. I grab my keys and drive out to the job site. And like the fool that I am, I didn’t even think that it would be locked. No, this is wrong. I need to put on my big girl panties and talk to him in person. I need to do things right this time. No time like the present either. I dig through my purse and pull out some paperwork that should have his address on it. Sure enough, it does.
I get back in my car and drive to his house. I pull up and park at the curb two houses away, I’m still unsure if I can go through with this. I have to. I have to do this the right way. I get out of my car and march up to his front door and knock three times hard with determination, before I chicken out.
He opens the door wearing nothing but a pair of sweats that are hung low on his hips, showing off that hard working construction body. His abs are ripped leading to that sexy V that disappears underneath his sweats. His hand is wrapped in an ace bandage and I know for a fact it wasn’t like that a few hours ago.
“Adrian, look I just came here to tell you…” I begin.
He puts his hand behind my head and pulls me into his house, then pushes me up against the wall just inside the door. He looks me in the eyes and growls at me. Yes, he growled at me. He crashes his lips on mine in a kiss so hard; I’m sure my lips will be bruised. He closes the door with his other hand, then wraps it around my waist pulling me into his warm strong body.
“Look, I…”
“Shut up, Shay…”
He continues the brutal kiss and lifts me off the ground. I wrap my legs around his hips, as he carries me down the hall to his bedroom. I’m so turned on right now, I don’t even protest. The passion Adrian and I shared was always so fucking hot. There was no denying our steamy chemistry in or out of bed. I’ve wanted this feeling again for years. No, I’ve craved it. The entire way to his bedroom I have an internal dialogue with myself. What the fuck am I doing? Just one kiss and I give in. I cave quicker than my mind can tell my heart to stop. In my heart I know I’ve never been able to find the same desire and love that I feel for Adrian.
He lays me down on his bed and climbs on top of me. His hands are all over the place, feeling and loving all over my body, getting reacquainted with the body that he knows so well. He fumbles with my pants and pulls them down. I kick them off with my feet and kiss him back with the same brutal force he’s kissing me. I palm his hips and run my hands down his legs lowering his sweats. God, he’s not wearing any underwear.
He stands and removes his sweats. I kneel on the bed and whip my shirt off over my head. I walk on my knees to the edge of the bed and crush my body to his. He reaches behind me, unhooks my bra and tosses it to the floor. In one swift movement, he picks me up off my knees and lays me back down. He reaches between us and runs his hands down my stomach and under my panties, fingering just the right spot.
He kisses down my neck to the hollow of my throat, then down the center of my chest. Oh God, this feels so good. My body reacts to his. It remembers his touch so well. He removes my panties and ever so gently touches his tongue on me, as I moan and writhe beneath him. I grab a fist full of hair as he continues relentlessly. As I come in his mouth, I moan his name, but he doesn’t let up. He drives himself inside me, continuing to pour every ounce of years of built up emotion in me. It’s explosive. The sounds of our bodies colliding are fierce and I love every second of it.
He buries his face in my hair as he stills himself inside of me. We’re both breathing heavy and I love the feel of his weight on my chest. I run my nails down his back, loving the feel of his skin on mine. Never did I imagine that I could ever have this back again. He pulls out, turns me to my side and wraps me in his arms. This is what I’ve longed for, to be back in his loving arms. There’s no other place in this world that I’d rather be, than with this man, in his bed, wrapped in his arms. I sigh deeply, close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful sleep. Sleep that up until tonight, for the past seventeen years, has been filled with demons and nightmares of that horrible day and that life-changing car accident.
I wake the next morning still wrapped in Adrian’s arms. I remember last night and our explosive lovemaking and I smile. Then the guilt starts to set in. Adrian moves behind me and places a kiss on my shoulder. He grabs my hand and laces his fingers in mine. I turn over on my back and quickly try to think how this is all going to play out.
He brings my hand to his lips and kisses each finger, then my palm. He stops and pulls my wrist closer and touches my tattoo outlining the butterfly with his finger.
“I never noticed it before, but why does it have the date of the car accident inside the heart?” he asks.
Fear, panic, sadness, loss, guilt; just about every emotion slams my heart to the floor. I quickly pull my wrist out of his hand and climb out of bed. I grab my clothes that are laying all over the floor and frantically try to put them back on.
“Shay, what did I say? Come back to bed,” he says.
“This was a mistake. I came here last night to tell you I’m pulling out of the contract. I can’t work with you. I thought I owed you that much to tell you in person,” I tell him as I put on the last of my clothes.
I rush out of the room to his front door as fast as I can. I can hear him rushing behind me, but I don’t care. I have to get out of here. I’m sticking with my decision. I know it goes against my mother’s doctor’s advice, but I’m going to move her back to New York with me and beg my old boss for my job back. I can’t fool myself into thinking I can be in the same state anymore with Adrian.
/> “Doll, stop,” he commands.
That nickname and everything it stands for demands me to stop and against every fiber of my being, I do. I was inches away from the door and ready for my escape. I did what I came here to do. I told him in person. I was so close, but two little words stop me cold.
He stands in front of my face, blocking me from the front door, pulls my wrist up between us, never breaking eye contact and asks, “What does this mean?”
I can’t even look him in his eyes. I feel so ashamed and guilty. I rip my hand from his and say in a calm voice, “Get out of my way.”
“No, not until you tell me what this means.”
“Get out of my way,” I say again in a calm voice.
“No! Come on, Shay, where’s that fire? Where’s that spunk? I know it’s in there, I’ve seen it. I know you try so damn fucking hard to keep it buried, but I can feel it. It's right there, it’s just begging to come out. Come on, fight with me, you know you want to,” he taunts.
He’s not going to win. I can’t let him. I count to ten and take a deep breath and again in the calmest voice I say, “Get out of my way.”
He steps out of the way and says, “Fine, go. Always running away, you’re always taking the easy way out. When things get tough, you just run away. Our love wasn’t enough for you all those years ago and it sure as hell isn’t enough now. So go. Tuck your tail between your legs and leave.”
With that, he walks back down the hallway and closes his bedroom door.
I get in my car and start to drive, to where I don’t know. I call Mia and her voice fills my car. I can’t even say what I’m feeling, because I can’t even process what happened. I went over there to tell him one thing, not to sleep with him and certainly not to spend the night with him.
“Are you alright?” she asks.
I can’t even answer. I just make the noise of, “uh-uh.”
“Are you in your car driving?” she asks.
“Uh-huh,” I answer and shake my head, as if she can see me.
Running Into Love - The Complete Box Set Page 38