Mean to me. I almost wanted to laugh. That was one way to put it.
“Anyhow, she said she felt awful and she wants to try to make some changes.”
“And Lynn is going to help her with that?” I couldn’t believe that my aunt would back down so easily.
“She got her into a rehab facility.”
“What?” Our mother had never, ever shown any interest in rehab. She was in too much denial about her condition. “You’re kidding me.”
Rebecca shook her head. “I’m not. She’s starting tomorrow.”
“I’m not going to hold my breath,” I muttered.
“That was my first thought. But maybe if Lynn is helping her…” She trailed off, but not before I recognized the note of hope in her voice. My stomach clenched, knowing there was no way to keep her from getting her hopes up. And in that moment, I hated my mother. Not for the drinking or blaming me for Dad’s death or any of the cruel things she had said. I hated her for making my sister believe that things could be different.
“She said she might stick around there,” Rebecca said. “In Grand Rapids, I mean. After rehab. Said Lynn could help her get some assistance, maybe get a job.” Another thing I wouldn’t be holding my breath over anytime soon. “She said it was time for a change, that she didn’t think the island was a very healthy place for her.”
I snorted, unable to come up with a response for that which didn’t include a monstrous amount of curse words.
“I know,” Rebecca said softly. “I know it would be stupid to take her at her word.” She was quiet for a moment. “It’s just—” Ah, here it is, I thought. “It’s just—I keep thinking about what that must have been like for her.”
“What?”
“Leaving. Calling Lynn after everything that happened. Packing up her things and leaving the house she’s lived in for ten years. I mean—that’s a big deal, Riley. And she did it all by herself, you know? It must have been so scary. Maybe…”
She trailed off again, but I didn’t need to hear the end of the sentence. Maybe it means that things will be different. That’s what she was hoping for.
“I don’t know,” I said, looking away. I couldn’t stand to see the optimism in her face. “I just don’t know, Beccs.”
We were quiet for a long time, sitting there on the porch together. It was strange to think about my reasons for coming over. Everything else seemed so unimportant now.
Mom was actually gone. For the first time in years, she wasn’t here on Lilac Bay. I didn’t know how that made me feel. There was a kernel of fear there, deep in my chest, knowing that she had gone somewhere that I couldn’t help her. Guilt, too, that she was someone else’s problem, at least for the time being. But more than any of that, there was relief. Because tonight I could go to sleep and not think about her, alone in that little house. I could go about my day tomorrow without the fear that my next trip to her place would bring a gruesome discovery. I didn’t have to worry about Rebecca dealing with the problem and hiding it from me. I didn’t have to worry at all.
For today, at least.
“Hang on one second,” Rebecca said, startling me from my musings when she stood. “I’ll be right back.”
She reappeared a few minutes later, a bottle of white wine and two plastic cups in her hand. “Isn’t it a little tacky to toast to our mother’s stint in rehab with alcohol?” I asked as she handed me a cup. “With plastic, no less.”
“Ha ha,” she muttered, filling the cups before reclaiming her rocking chair. “I just thought wine would be a welcome accompaniment to our subject change.”
“Oh, Beccs, no, I don’t want to talk about that now.”
“Too bad,” she said, her voice several shades fiercer than I was used to. “We’ve spent the last fifteen years tiptoeing around Mom’s issues. Her drinking has way too much real estate in our heads, sister. We’re done with that—at least for tonight. Okay? We’re going to share this bottle of wine and we’re going to talk about this kiss.” She glared at me. “Got it?”
I couldn’t help but grin at her. I kind of liked this take-no-shit version of my sister. “Got it.”
“So. The kiss.”
I took a long slug of my wine before responding, knowing that I would need it if we were going to have this conversation.
“It was a pretty good kiss.”
“It looked like a good kiss.” She leaned towards me, her eyes flashing in the darkness. Oh, God. She was way too excited about this. I needed to put the brakes on, fast.
“It wasn’t a big deal,” I said, ignoring her splutter of disagreement. “It’s just strange because it’s Andrew, you know. He’s like my brother or something.”
She burst out laughing. “Oh, give me a break, Riley. He’s not like your brother!” She raised a skeptical eyebrow when I didn’t agree. “You’re telling me you’ve never been attracted to him? You’ve never looked at those broad shoulders or that gorgeous red hair or those wicked blues eyes of his and felt something?” She grinned, leaning a little closer. “You’ve never checked out his ass?”
“Rebecca!”
“What? Even I’ve checked out that ass, and I’m a happily married woman. You’re going to tell me that you only feel sisterly thoughts when you look at that boy? I don’t buy it. Last I checked, you were still a human woman.”
An image of him at the dance, in that suit, flashed though my mind. The way his voice had sounded when he asked me to dance. How it had felt to be so close to him, in his arms. Feeling him. How it had made me partially incoherent.
I shook my head. No. I wasn’t going to make more out of that moment than I needed to.
“It’s Andrew,” I said instead, as if that should be argument enough.
“Okay, then let me ask you another question—why were you so quick to break up with Chase?”
“I didn’t break up with Chase. We went on one date.”
“And you haven’t seen him again. Did he stop calling?”
He’d actually called me the night before, inviting me to dinner on Sunday. Well, inviting my voicemail. I’d screened the call.
“I just don’t see it going anywhere.”
“But you said you liked him. You said he was cute and you had fun with him. He was clearly into you. And, no offense, but he’s definitely the hottest prospect you’ve had in years. And yet you’re just blowing him off. Why?”
“A million reasons,” I said. “I’m really busy right now, you know. Organizing the show is taking a lot out of me. That’s the main reason I’m not pursuing this.”
And because Andrew asked me not to, a stubborn little voice in the back of my head whispered. Oh, God, was that true? Was I actually letting Andrew get in my head? I’d been so pissed when he'd asked me to drop Chase. There was no way I was letting him affect my decision.
At least, there was no way I was telling her that. She would absolutely get the wrong idea. She would jump to conclusions, the way that people had our entire lives.
“I was watching him at the dance, you know,” she said, her voice soft. “Do you have any idea how fast he dropped that girl he was with when he saw you go off with Mom?”
A shiver rushed through me. He’d appeared at my side exactly when I needed him to. How many times had that happened over the years?
“Riley,” Rebecca said. “Look at me.” I did, and her eyes were wide and filled with something like sympathy. “Come on, Ri. You can’t honestly tell me that you don’t know what’s going on.”
I stared at my little sister, waiting for her to elaborate. When I didn’t respond, she laughed a little.
“Riley! He loves you.”
“Oh God,” I muttered, covering my eyes with my palm. “Not you, too.”
“No, not me too,” she said, pulling my arm away so I had to sit up and look at her. “I’m not some stranger gossiping about you or making stupid assumptions because I don’t think guys and girls can ever just be friends.”
“Then what are you—”
“What’s in this wine? You’re drunk. And you aren’t making any sense.”
“Riley, he loves you. I know he does. I can tell. What I don’t understand is why you can’t see it.”
“There’s nothing to see! Jesus, Rebecca. We’ve been best friends since first grade. I have watched him hook up with girl after girl. In case you haven’t noticed, Andrew Powell isn’t the slightest bit shy when it comes to women, okay? He’s not self-conscious. He’s not a scared little boy. When he wants something he tries to get it.” I swallowed. It was the strangest thing, but for just a brief second, I felt like I might start crying. I shook my head, determined to clear it. “He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t see me like that.”
“You’re totally right,” Rebecca said, and I sighed in relief—until she kept talking. “He doesn’t see you the way he sees all those other girls. He sees you as something else entirely. Something so important it scares him.”
I gaped at her. “You’ve lost it.”
She shook her head. “You’re in denial.”
I was starting to get really annoyed now. “You know,” I said, my voice tight, “I’ve always hated it when people impose such cliché restrictions on my relationship with my best friend.” She started to argue, so I help up my hand, talking over her. “Oh, we have different kinds of genitals, so clearly we must secretly want to bang. It’s such crap, Rebecca. I just can’t believe you’re the one putting it on me right now.”
“This isn’t about clichés or gender roles or what society expects,” she said. “This is about you and Andrew.”
“We’re friends.”
“So you felt absolutely nothing when you kissed him tonight?”
Well, that shut me up. Try as I had to ignore it, I couldn’t help the memories rising in my head.
The feel of Andrew’s work-roughened hand on my cheek, gently cradling my face like it was something precious. His other hand at the small of my back, pulling me closer to his body, his chest so solid and substantial against me. And the feel of his lips, his insistent, warm lips on mine, pressing, persisting, taking my breath away. The spark I had felt, deep down in my chest. That inexplicable—something.
And the clearest memory of all. The way his eyes had held mine for that long moment after pulling away. The moment that seemed to stretch on and on, an eternity passing between us. I had always been able to tell what Andrew Powell was thinking under any circumstance. But after we kissed tonight I had looked into his eyes and—not known. For the first time I could remember, I’d had no clue what he might be thinking.
“You should see your face right now,” my sister muttered.
And just like that I knew exactly what I needed to do. What I should have done earlier, instead of coming here.
“I have to go,” I said, standing so quickly I knocked my cup to the ground. I was thankful it was only white wine as the liquid pooled across the porch.
“Don’t worry about it,” Rebecca said, waving her hand. She peered up at me in the darkness. “What are you going to say to him?”
I shook my head, not really surprised that she had guessed where I was heading.
“I have no idea. I just—I need to see him.” Maybe if I could see him right now, I might be able to figure it out, to understand what he had been thinking. To find out if the kiss had affected him in the same way it affected me. I still thought that my sister was crazy—there was no way Andrew felt that way about me. But I didn’t like there being anything secret between us. I didn’t like that I could look into his eyes and not know how he felt. So I needed to fix that. Now.
“Riley,” she murmured, just before I stepped off the porch. I turned back to see her watching me, a concerned look on her face. “Be nice to him, okay?”
I bristled at that. “Why wouldn’t I be nice?”
“I just mean—don’t jump right into the teasing and the jokes, okay? It’s your defense mechanism, I get that, but I don’t think this is really the time.”
“I’m not going to tease him,” I said, stung by her words. I didn’t have a defense mechanism. What total crap.
“Okay,” she said. “Just try to remember—this might be hard for him. If I’m right about what he’s feeling—” She held up her hands when I started to protest. “Just pretend I am for a second, okay? It can’t be easy for him, you know? So just keep that in mind.”
Definitely delusional, I thought. But I didn’t tell her that.
“Fine. I’ll be on my very best behavior.” I took the stairs two at a time. “Thanks for the wine,” I called over my shoulder.
“Good luck.”
I couldn’t be sure, but I thought her voice sounded the slightest bit sad.
I wasn’t exactly sure where to find Andrew, but I had a pretty good guess. It was, after all, Saturday night in Lilac Bay. And since we didn’t exactly have much nightlife in this town, it was pretty safe to bet he was at Cora’s.
The place was packed, every bit as bad as the nights we would gather here to watch episodes of the show. I saw Cora hurrying past with a tray in her hand. “Oh, hey, Ri,” she said.
“What the hell is going on in here tonight?” I asked, staring around the dining room, which appeared to be standing room only at this point.
She grinned. “Tourists. I think the Heather Dale publicity bump is in full swing.”
“Wow.” I hadn’t realized so many people could even fit in here. I couldn’t wait to get the occupancy stats from the hotels on Monday morning. “You need a hand?” I asked.
“Nah, I’m fully staffed. Everyone is getting their tips tonight.” She shot me a grin. “See you around?”
“Sure. Oh, hey—have you seen Andrew?”
“In the back,” she called over her shoulder, already on her way to deliver the beers.
It took a while to make my way through the throng. Along with the influx of tourists, there were plenty of locals out tonight, celebrating the last night of the Lilac Festival. I stopped and talked to Posey, shocked to see that Paul was actually with her. According to her, Iris and David were both still sick. Thinking about them, of course, put my attention right back on the skit.
“Is Andrew around?” I asked her.
“I think I saw him with Eddie earlier.”
“Thanks, Pose.”
I turned from her table, determined to find him, to get this over with. I saw a flash of red in the crowd and headed in that direction, but it was only Eddie, bringing Zane a fresh beer. I waved, not wanting to get sidetracked again, and turned away.
There he was. Only a few tables away. I pushed through a group of men in business suits, clearly from the mainland, all of whom seemed to be pretty drunk for so early in the evening, and then, finally, I was at his table.
It was only then that I could see that he wasn’t alone. Jill was next to him, her chair pulled up close. Their heads were together, laughing about something. Her hand was on his thigh, the top three buttons of her blouse undone, and something seemed to fall in my chest.
Before I could think about what I was doing, I turned and fled, pushing my way back through the crowd. I thought I might have heard him calling my name, but it was hard to make out over the noise in the room. Or was that noise just in my ears? It sounded like rushing wind. Finally I made it to the back door and pushed out into the alley behind the bar, taking in huge gulps of fresh air.
I felt so stupid. To actually think that he had felt something in that kiss, that it might have affected him in some way. For all of my denial to Rebecca, I think I had actually started to believe her—believe that he might have feelings for me. But while I was on her porch spilling out my heart, he was here in the bar with Jill. Hours after he had kissed me.
“Riley.”
I spun to see him standing in the open doorway.
“What?” My voice was sh
arper than I intended, but I was having trouble controlling my breathing.
He stepped through the door, letting it close behind him, the sound of the bar fading. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” There was no way I was telling him why I had come here tonight. God, how embarrassing.
His eyes narrowed and he took another step closer. “I saw you in there. You took off. Why?”
“I was just looking for Jenny,” I lied.
“That’s not what it looked like to me. It looked like you got to my table and something upset you.”
Suddenly, I wanted to slap him. I was so damn sick and tired of him thinking that he knew everything there was to know about me. Riley doesn’t care about dating. Riley will get her heart broken by Chase. Riley can’t handle seeing Andrew with another girl.
“You know what, Andrew?” I said, taking a backwards step to put distance between us. “Why don’t you just go back to your date.”
“Jill? She’s not my date.”
“She sure looked like a date to me. Her hand was practically on your junk.”
His eyes narrowed. “Is that why you’re upset?”
“No!” I shot back. “I don’t give a shit what you do or with who. But I think it’s pretty crappy of you to pull this huge judgment act on me with Chase when you’re the one whoring around this entire town.”
“I wasn’t judging you about Chase,” he shot back. “I just think he’s going to let you down.”
“That’s judging, Andrew! That’s you saying that you don’t trust my own decision-making! Well, in case you haven’t noticed, buddy, your decision making isn’t that hot!”
“You know what I think, Riley?” he asked, taking another step towards me. “I think you didn’t care about who I was spending my time with so long as it was women that you didn’t have to see again. So long as it was tourists and girls from the mainland, you could give a shit. But now that it’s someone that you actually know, you’re freaking out. Why do you think that is?”
“I’m not freaking out!” I yelled. “I’m just trying to go home.”
Always You: A Lilac Bay Novel (Friends with Benefits) Page 22