That's Why I Wrote This Song

by Susanne Gervay

  I scream, ‘Billy, Billy, Billy.’

  Not Perfect collapses in the tent with other hangers-on. Karen looks peaceful next to Josh. I curl into my sleeping bag with Insonmiac Road in my head. I’m happy.

  Mummy opens her arms for her excited five-year-old to run into them like in the movies. Old black and white movies, where orphaned babies are adopted and happiness drips like treacle.

  The little girl dances, twirling and swirling, until her brother Eddie joins her, banging drums and marching in tune. Mummy twirls Pip around and around, smiling at her laughs.

  Then it’s bath time. The water is hot and sudsy from Pip’s bubble bath. Eddie’s tugboat zooms through the bubbles, making Pip giggle.

  Mummy makes hot chocolate. Then Pip and Eddie go to bed. Pip puts Woolly Lamb and Fluffy Rabbit on each side of her. She tells them a make-believe story. A fairy tale story where the mummy and daddy take their children to a palace and they buy them ice creams.

  Pip loves Daddy when he comes home as a king. Then Pip is a princess. But sometimes he’s a fire-breathing dragon. Pip’s scared of the dragon.

  When Daddy comes home like a dragon, he makes Mummy different. She doesn’t twirl as he rages fire and brimstone. But tonight, it’s just Mummy and Eddie and Pip at home and they’re happy.

  I close my eyes. I want to be happy, but I’m scared of having a dragon back in the house.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Sun. Moan. I turn onto my stomach. Sun, go away. I open one eye. The tent is full of bodies, some of them unknown. The girl Eddie was talking to last night is asleep next to him. Karen is nestled in Josh’s arms.

  I have to get up. I need the toilet. I make my way over bodies. I’m going to burst.

  The portable toilets look like multiple cloned telephone booths. I line up in the queue. I wait. I wait. Got to go. I wait. Desperate to go. I wait. My turn. Finally, I open a door. Oh my God, it’s disgusting. I’ve never seen so much vomit in one place. I hold my breath, go, then race out before my lungs explode.

  Need detoxification. I charge for the taps and wash my hands and face, dripping water everywhere.

  ‘Pretty bad, isn’t it?’

  I look up to see who’s speaking to me. It’s a guy. A really cute one. I blush. ‘Pretty bad.’

  ‘You have to time it. Go after the high-powered water blasters are run through there. I’m waiting.’ He’s tall and wiry. ‘The cleaners or should I say the stormtroopers come at around 10 a.m. Then the loos are clean for a while. This is the worst time. It’s nearly twenty-four hours since they’ve been cleaned, and there was a lot of alcohol drunk last night.’

  I flap my hands in the air, trying to dry them. ‘So how do you know all this important information?’

  ‘We were here last year.’ He glances behind him at his mates. ‘Apart from the loos, this is a great festival.’ He smiles.

  ‘Those toilets…’ I shudder. ‘Hey, but it was so good last night. I loved it all.’ He really is cute.

  ‘Our band is playing this year.’ His eyes are dark brown. Intelligent. ‘It’s only on the Hill Stage.’

  ‘You’re in a band? Playing here? On the Hill Stage?’

  He laughs. ‘That’s right.’ He pushes his shaggy brown hair away from his face.

  Why am I repeating him like a parrot? ‘I play in a band too. It’d be amazing to play on the Hill Stage.’ I feel hot. Why am I blushing? ‘I’m impressed.’

  ‘Don’t be. Nearly everyone goes to the Main Event, so we don’t expect a huge audience. Any audience would be great.’ His smile is so cute. Am I repeating myself? ‘I’m Max, by the way.’

  I like the name Max. ‘It’s still amazing that you’re performing here. What’s your band’s name?’

  ‘Barbed Wire. We play rock.’

  ‘Great name for a rock band.’ I hope I’ve stopped blushing. ‘I’m Pip.’

  ‘So what do you play, Pip?’

  ‘Guitar. I play trumpet sometimes as well. And I sing.’ I blurt out, ‘I write too.’ He looks interested when he hears that. ‘I’ve just finished a song. “I Wanna Be Found”.’

  ‘I’d like to hear it.’

  Why did I tell him that? I’ve told no one that. ‘Our band is called Not Perfect. We’d love to play here, or anywhere.’ I hesitate. ‘It’s just a dream. We all have to have dreams.’

  We discuss music as we walk back to the camping site. He writes songs too. Political songs. His eyes grow serious as he talks about his latest song. ‘War. I just don’t get it. How can people kill? Indiscriminately? No reason is good enough. Never. I write music about that. I hope it’ll make people think.’ He frowns. ‘At least it makes me think.’

  I nod. ‘My songs mean something too. Trying to work out, why we’re here. Where we’re going. They make me think as well.’ I try to sound casual. ‘So when are you performing?’

  ‘We’re the first gig of the day. It means we’re not that important.’ He looks at his watch. ‘Got to go and get set up. So why don’t you come up the Hill?’ He smiles. ‘It’ll make the audience a bit bigger.’ He adds, ‘It’d be nice to see you there.’ Then he’s gone.

  ‘It’d be nice to see you there.’ He said that. He did. What’s wrong with me? I’m over boys. It’s his music. I wonder what it’s like.

  I make my way back to our campsite. Irina is eating breakfast in front of the tent. ‘So who is he? He looks interesting.’ She gives me a look.

  ‘He is.’ I can’t lie to Irina.

  ‘So?’ Irina waits. ‘What else?’

  ‘He’s got a mind too.’ That sounds pathetic. Everyone has a mind. But he’s smart. I can tell. ‘Hey, Max is in a band. And they’re playing on the Hill Stage soon. Will you come with me and listen to them?’

  ‘Of course. Got to go first.’ She points to the toilets.

  I shake my head. ‘Hang on, if you can.’ I describe the disgusting portables, until we’re laughing and she’s begging me to stop because she is definitely holding on until the stormtroopers have been through it. Or she’s finding a tree.

  Eddie’s coming from that direction. ‘It’s rough,’ he tells us. He’s shaking the water from his hands. Angie comes out of the tent looking perfectly made up. She’s used up a whole container of water for her facial treatment. ‘You have to fill that back up, you know.’

  ‘Sure I will.’ She won’t, but I’m not doing it. Neither is anyone else. Well, Eddie will in the end.

  I turn away from her. Max is on my mind. I look inside the tent. Karen and Josh and unknown bodies are still crashed there. The girl who was with Eddie is still asleep. Irina leaves Karen a note. ‘Gone to Hill Stage.’ I grab a rug and my camera. We follow the sound of music through the trees. The Hill Stage perches like a lookout over the grey—green valley with the dark blue river winding through it. I press Irina’s arm. ‘It’s beautiful.’

  ‘It is.’

  Eddie and Angie are walking ahead. Angie’s chatting but she’s kept her promise. Eddie’s just a friend.

  Suddenly I see Max, getting his gear ready. I catch my breath. What’s wrong with me?

  Irina gives me a look. ‘It’s him, Pip.’

  ‘It’s not like that,’ I say.

  ‘Like what?’ Irina smiles.

  I throw down the rug. Eddie of course takes up as much room as possible. I shove him with my foot. ‘Why didn’t you bring the other rug?’

  ‘Didn’t need to, with you here.’ He gets comfortable and I give him another shove. He doesn’t care. Angie sits beside him. Even when she’s made a promise, she can’t help herself. Flirting and Angie go together.

  Karen turns up. ‘Saw your note, Irina. Thanks.’ She yawns as she settles behind me. I look questioningly at her. She reads my mind. ‘Josh is still sleeping.’

  Max is right. There aren’t many people here. Ten-thirty in the morning. It’s too early, and this is only the second-rung stage. ‘Shush, Barbed Wire are starting.’

  Max takes the microphone. ‘We appreciate you draggin
g yourselves out so early after last night.’ He waves to me. ‘I see a friendly face out there. Hi, Pip.’

  Eddie and Angie look at me. ‘Do you know him?’

  ‘Shush. Yes.’

  He looks at the rest of the audience. ‘Great to see you all. Is everyone having a great festival?’

  There are a few calls from the audience. ‘Yeah.’ Eddie’s is the loudest, naturally.

  ‘So let’s get going.’ He turns to the band. The drummer gives the beat and they start. Their sound is rock. The lead guitarist does a brilliant instrumental. The drummer isn’t Irina, but the singing…Max’s voice isn’t wild like Karen’s or emotional like mine. It’s just there. It gets you inside the lyrics. It gets inside me.

  Blowing up trains and towers and people

  Watching them die

  Seeing the lie

  Counting the dead

  Counting the injured

  You won’t get away with it,

  You won’t get away with it

  Our hands are reaching out

  You won’t get your way

  We’re here to stay

  There’s no way

  You’ll get your way

  You won’t get away with it

  You won’t get away with it

  No way, no way

  No way, no way

  Everyone sings along with the band: ‘No way, no way.’

  We cheer as the band finishes. The fifty or so other people in the audience cheer as well. I can’t believe the forty minutes are over already.

  Max comes over to us. ‘So do you want to have a go? Show us what you can do? A Not Perfect opportunity.’

  He remembered the name of our band. I get goose bumps along my arms. ‘Now?’

  ‘Sure. It’s now or never. You said you wanted to do it. So, here’s your chance. You’ve got five minutes before the next band sets up.’

  I just sit there. What’s Max saying?

  ‘Come on, Pip.’

  My heart’s pounding. My mouth is dry. Not Perfect on stage. At Breakers. My dream. Do dreams really come true?

  Eddie jumps up. ‘Let’s do it.’ He grabs Irina’s and Angie’s hands. Karen yells, ‘Come on’, dancing towards the stage.

  I just sit there with Max looking at me. His hand is extended. What’s wrong with me? I smile at him and take his hand. He pulls me up.

  Suddenly Not Perfect is on stage. Not Perfect is at Breakers. Karen and I look at each other, then shout.

  The other guys in the band are laughing. ‘New blood? Let’s see what you can do.’ Irina sits behind the drums. Karen takes a guitar. Angie takes a guitar. Eddie takes a guitar. Max gives me the microphone.

  ‘Ready?’ Then Max calls out to the audience, ‘Stick around for a few minutes and listen to a totally new band.’ People turn to see what’s happening on the stage. ‘And here they are: NOT PERFECT.’

  Max jumps off the stage. ‘Go for it, Pip.’

  We look over at Irina. She hits the drums. Karen raises her arm, then brings it down.

  ‘Psycho Dad’ belts out from the stage. Max’s band pumps the air. The fifty or so people in the audience rock with us.

  Cause I don’t want you

  And I don’t need you

  You are so mad

  You are my psycho dad

  There’s yelling and cheering as we finish. The adrenaline is surging through us. We hug each other, jumping around. It’s hard to leave the stage. It’s the place I want to be. I never truly understood that before.

  Max comes over. ‘So how was that?’

  ‘I can’t believe you let us perform.’ My heart’s still racing.

  He smiles. ‘That’s a song, all right. You wrote it?’

  ‘With Karen.’ I nod in Karen’s direction. She’s on a high.

  I like Max. I feel as though I already know him. I like him. ‘So why don’t you drop by. You already know where we’re camped.’

  ‘Got to pack our gear away.’

  ‘But you’ll come by later?’ I hope I don’t sound desperate.

  ‘Sure.’ He points to the guys. ‘Sorry, got to go.’

  Barbed Wire leave and Not Perfect wave goodbye to them. When they’re out of sight we look at each other and start screaming, racing towards our campsite. Josh surfaces to see what all the noise is and nearly gets knocked over by Karen, who leaps into his arms. Josh laughs. He really likes her. I can see he does. I think Josh is all right.

  The sleepers in our tent are awake now. They get to hear everything about Not Perfect on Hill Stage. There are a few bleary-eyed hoorays, and a few groans. Eddie starts showing off to the girl he was with about his performance. Playing at Breakers has to be one of the great moments of my life.

  For the rest of the day we hang out together—Max’s band, Not Perfect, Josh and people who drop in and out of our tent. Good vibes roll across the valley. Nobody seems to be much over twenty, except some of the acts. Music is coming from all directions. It’s an orgy of bands. We go down to the Main Event to hear the Conkers. The Conkers are loud and everyone’s dancing and singing, hands in the air. The mosh pit is alive with high-energy rock. Karen is on Josh’s shoulders. I’m on Max’s shoulders. Eddie’s yelling and that girl who slept in our tent is yelling next to him. Irina and Angie are holding hands and jumping around.

  We all crumple onto the grass afterwards, then head off into different directions. We connect up for this session or that, sleep or try to sleep, dance, party, sing, eat our mothers’ food, drink mixes and cola, refuse to answer parent phone calls, do whatever. Things don’t matter here—not my father, my bum and breasts, swastikas on the synagogue, exams, Karen’s bruised arms, what we’re going do tomorrow or for the rest of our lives. Now is all that matters and I love it.

  In the evening Not Perfect and Barbed Wire have a jam session, producing music that’s out there and going to places we don’t know and can’t imagine. The bongo drummer plays the bongos with Irina. Angie’s given up make-up for the rest of the weekend, and she just as beautiful without it. Max and I swim in the river. It’s freezing. Afterwards I wrap myself in a towel and we snuggle into my rug. We sit under a gum tree with the scent of eucalyptus all around us.

  We listen to bands all morning. Karen and Josh go off to hear a new punk band on Hill Stage. At lunchtime, Irina and Max and I go with Angie to listen to a girl vocalist who’s mimicking ‘Love Is In the Air’. Angie’s in heaven. The rhythm is slow and the music too sweet.

  Max sits beside me. ‘Do you like this?’

  ‘No.’ But I like having Max beside me.

  He laughs.

  I can’t believe it’s already Sunday afternoon and the Festival is over. The music is over, the bands are going or gone already, cars are being packed, tents dismantled. Eddie has a romantic moment with the girl who slept in our tent. They promise to keep in contact but they both know they won’t. Angie farewells a few admirers. She’s made a decision that it’s time for a serious boyfriend again. I roll my eyes. Irina has her music. A boyfriend is for later. She says she won’t be a doctor, but she will. She’ll make her father happy, and play drums, which won’t make him happy. She’ll go back to Russia and save the world. I know that.

  Max and I walk towards the river. ‘I still can’t believe you let us play on the Hill Stage.’

  ‘Not Perfect is good. You’re good, Pip.’

  ‘You’re good too, Max.’

  That makes us laugh. The Mutual Admiration Society.

  ‘Will you sing your new song for me?’ Max asks. I don’t answer. ‘I’d really like to hear it.’

  ‘I’ve never sung it to anyone.’

  We reach the river. We sit beside the Breakers, where the water swirls over rocks and branches, and crashes into banks on its unstoppable journey to the sea.

  Max takes my hands. ‘So will you sing it for me?’

  The words come out softly, only for him.

  Everyone wants me to be

  Some great success and be the best
<
br />   But I can never be who they want

  And I’m here to protest

  Why do I feel so alone

  Like I’m standing here all by myself

  When there are people all around

  I am lost but I wanna be found

  No one hears me screaming

  And no one hears my pain

  Can anybody see me?

  I feel like I’m going insane

  Why do I feel so alone

  Like I’m standing here all by myself

  When there are people all around

  I am lost but I wanna to be found

  Everything is blurred

  Between what’s real and in your head

  Will I wake from this nightmare

  Or continue to be dead?

  Why do I feel so alone

  Like I’m standing here all by myself

  When there are people all around

  I am lost but I wanna be found

  Max puts his arms around me. Then he touches my face. Shivers run through me. We kiss on the bank of the river. I want to kiss him forever. Do I trust him? I trust his music. Is his music him? It feels right. I don’t want to think about anything. Just him.

  I hate walking back to the car, back to life at home. Max wants to see me when we get back. He’s got his final-year exams, so he has to study. He doesn’t know what he wants to do afterwards. Who does? In between study he’s playing gigs with his band. I’m going to see him perform. ‘I’ll have to get some illegal ID.’ I smile. ‘Eddie will get some for me. Brothers are useful for some things.’