by Addison Jane
I loved my mom.
I just needed her to see me for what I was—a young woman—not a little girl anymore.
With the chaos surrounding the club, I still hadn’t had a chance to speak with Ham about things to do with my dad. The photo had been burning a hole in my pocket ever since my mom showed it to me. The thing was, I didn’t just want to tell him the story or hear what his take on it all was. I wanted to ask him if he would ask the club to help me find him.
Mom was adamant she didn’t want me going after Huntsman and the MC he was a part of, but the last few weeks had been so crazy and so emotional. I watched Ham fight hard for Phee and Romeo, and I saw how he wasn’t willing to let them walk out of his life even if they wanted to. It all just made me wonder whether there was a father out there who felt that way about me.
Well, whether he would feel that way about me if he knew I even existed.
Now I knew he was out there, I couldn’t help but question everything.
Would he have fought to have me in his life?
Would he have raised me differently?
Would he have taught me how to fight back, rather than cower?
Or how about that day old question—was I a daddy’s girl?
I wanted to know everything. Things about his family, things about his life. I guess I just wanted some kind of closure. He could possibly turn me down, refuse to acknowledge me, which was definitely an option given that he had a wife at home, and Old Lady just like I was now.
I drove Mom’s car to the clubhouse. They were having a cookout for the Fourth of July, and I intended to find Ham right away before he had a few too many beers and was unable to understand what I was talking about.
All these questions were burning in my mind. I needed to get them out fast before I forgot.
I also had to convince him to ask the club for help. Well, ask Wrench for help.
Leaping out of the car, I skipped toward the front doors already hearing people laughing and chatting out the back of the clubhouse along with children screaming, which was exactly where I wanted to avoid because I just knew I’d get pulled into the crazy.
I heard Uncle Leo’s voice the moment I stepped inside, my eyes searching the room for him and realizing he was in the room they use for church.
Clutching my sketchpad in my hands, I wanted to see him first, get his opinion on what I’d drawn. Because it included the club, I knew I should really have him look at it first just in case he thought it was going to be a problem. I didn’t want to disrespect or offend anyone with my work. I’d drawn it up for Ham, he had no idea, but I was pretty sure he was going to love it.
The doors to church were partially open, so I knew they weren’t holding a meeting, raising my hand to knock.
“You get anything from Meyah about her dad?” Uncle Leo asked with a heavy sigh.
I paused.
What was he talking about?
“I haven’t.”
Ham?
“Man, I asked you to help me out on this one. If she goes running out on some wild goose chase…”
My heart leaped up into my throat, and I found it hard to breathe pressing my back against the wall beside the open door and clutching my sketch pad to my chest. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping. I probably heard things wrong.
I didn’t have the entire conversat—
“You’ll make sure she's okay when this shit hits the fan,” Ham bargained. I could hear the nerves in his voice. There was something wrong, something had happened. “She’s gonna be devastated when I leave.”
I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart, the pain that shot through me at the sound of those words, at the thought of him leaving and walking away was unexplainable. I knew it wasn’t physical, it was all in my head, but it felt so damn real like my heart was being torn from my chest.
“She’ll survive,” my uncle answered. “She’ll bounce back when you’re gone, and we’ll all be here for her. She won’t be alone.”
“I never meant to hurt her like this,” Ham sounded like he was broken, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling at that moment. I could feel myself falling to pieces on the ground, the earth-shattering around me and swallowing me whole.
I wanted to scream at him, to tell him he didn’t have to leave, he didn’t have to hurt me.
What the hell had I done wrong?
And why the hell was Uncle Leo just sitting there listening to him go on about walking away. saying that it was okay.
Was he really that eager not to have me as part of the club?
I knew things had been a little crazy. I’d gotten hurt, but surely he saw what these people meant to me. Surely, he knew what I’d finally realized—that this was my place.
At first, I was scared, I didn’t know if I was strong enough, but now I realized that it didn’t matter. Because walking away would hurt so much more than staying and fighting it out, pulling on my big girl panties and standing by the man who I loved and who I thought loved me.
“Come on,” Uncle Leo urged, and suddenly my body was alight as I heard them moving toward the door. “Get some food, take a deep breath.”
I scampered around the corner of the hall as they exited the double doors, my body sinking to the floor.
“I’m just gonna go upstairs,” Ham said as they stepped out of the meeting room. “I’ve got something that I want to do first. Can you stop Meyah if she comes in? I won’t be long.”
I sat on the floor of the hallway that led down to Optimus’ office and the doorway to the garage.
The ache in my chest was raw and very real.
Ham hadn’t been a part of my life for long, but he’d become important to me.
More than important.
Essential.
I’d been invisible for as long as I could remember. All through elementary and junior high I had very few friends. I was reserved and ridiculously shy, but also very smart and far ahead of normal kids my age. It turned out those two things were probably a horrible mixture because in turn, it meant I spent a lot of time alone overthinking and analyzing things. I questioned why we didn’t have as much family as other people, and why neither mine nor Denver’s dad had stuck around to help raise us.
Nick was the first guy to really take any notice of me, and after the shit hit the fan, I found out why. He saw me as an easy target. The quiet girl who dreams of fairy tales where the popular guy from the football team chose her to be his girlfriend. He caught me, hook, line and sinker, and I fell for everything he said. I was your typical teenager with daddy issues. The moment a guy paid me the attention I craved, I folded—a complete fucking cliché.
I gave him exactly what he wanted even when I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted it myself, and then he moved on to the next gullible sucker.
It hurt. I’m not embarrassed to admit that what Nick did, and the lies which followed, they made my senior year—what should be one of the most amazing and exciting years of my life—hell.
Nick and his bullshit rumors, they had crushed me.
But they also bought me Ham.
The relief I felt when Hadley pulled over that day to rescue me from Nick and his goons, I can’t even begin to try and measure. That day was one of the worst and one of the best days of my life.
Uncle Leo never brought his brothers around to the house. It had been a long time since I’d seen any of them other than a passing glance as they rode through town or maybe from the car when Mom would pick up Macy.
Then suddenly Ham was there, threatening Nick and looking like he wouldn’t think twice about shooting Nick’s dick off and dusting off his hands like a job well done. He stood up for me. He scared off the bullies when they tormented me. He backed me when I wasn’t strong enough to back myself. Then when I started to hang out at the clubhouse, I could always feel his eyes on me, watching me and following my movements. We barely said a few words to each other, but he made me feel like I was important.
I couldn’t just sit here and let that
melt away.
I needed to hear what he had to say.
Maybe it was all just something stupid.
I jumped up off the floor and took a deep breath. Ham told my uncle to stop me if I came in, so I was going to just have to breeze through like nothing had happened like I was just heading through like normal. As I breathed out, I made a run for it, ducking out of the hallway, my eyes focused on the stairs.
“Meyah?” I heard Uncle Leo call, but I ignored him, refusing to even look over at him and the group of people he was standing with, grabbing the banister and taking two stairs at a time up the staircase.
Ham’s door was open just slightly, his room being just a few from the stairs.
My breathing was heavy, but I tried to even it out as I walked forward. My sketch pad hung at my side. I lifted my hand and pushed open the door to his dark room. The light from the hallway illuminated part of his bed, and as it did, I lost my breath. My sketch pad hitting the floor with a thud, causing Jess to stop grinding her hips and turn to look over her naked shoulder.
She wasn’t alone.
She wasn’t the only one naked.
Her mouth fell open. “Meyah!” she murmured in horror, the look of pure guilt on her face telling me everything I needed to know.
Jess climbed off him, but I was already making a run for the top of the stairs, tears streaming down my face, staining the pastel pink top I was wearing with each drop that fell from my chin.
“Meyah?” I heard Ham’s voice call, but I refused to turn around. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t face him right now.
I stumbled at the bottom of the stairs, almost running into Skylar as she carried two beers out to the patio. “Whoa, pretty girl!” Skylar laughed, leaping back but managing not to spill. She looked even impressed with herself until she looked up and saw my face. “Oh God, what happened? Leo!”
“Girl, why’d you rush off like that?” Uncle Leo asked as he came over, his eyes narrowing as he took in the way I was struggling to breathe, and the obvious distraught tears. “What the hell happened?”
“Meyah.”
He was right behind me.
I couldn’t face him.
I didn’t want to face anyone right now, I felt like a fool.
“Stay away from me,” I asserted, trying not to let my voice crack.
He grabbed my hip, his touch burning my skin, but no longer in a way that I craved, in a way that just made me feel dirty.
That hand has just been touching her.
He tugged, trying to force me to turn. I did, using the power of my spin and putting it all into my right hook. Unfortunately, Ham was practiced and saw it coming, ducking back and grabbing my wrist. His eyes blazed with heat as he stared me down.
“Get your hands off me,” I demanded, tugging away, not expecting him to let go so easily. I stumbled back, Skylar catching me before I hit one of the tables.
“Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here?” Uncle Leo roared, looking between the two of us.
Ham’s shirt was off, his belt undone and jeans unzipped.
I’d had enough. “You’re disgusting, stay the hell away from me.”
Then I ran, ignoring every person who called after me.
And taking note of the one person who didn’t.
I stood at the doors watching her speed out the gates, the tires of her mom’s car kicking up stones. I should be going after her, chasing her down and asking her what the hell happened, demanding that she listen to me and just stop for a second. Then when I saw that pain in her eyes, the pain that told me she wasn’t coming back, and I decided it could be for the best.
I turned around and stormed back inside, kicking at one of the chairs.
“What the hell happened?” Leo asked as he and Blizzard wandered over, the both of them looking just as confused as I was.
I shook my head. “I have no fucking idea. I saw her crying upstairs and coming out of my room. I was getting Eagle’s buddy to touch up the tattoo I got.”
She hadn’t even seen it.
It was a picture I found scrawled on a napkin. Maybe a fucking dove or something… some kind of bird. I liked it. I guess you could say it was my vow to her that I wasn’t going anywhere, that she didn’t have to worry.
But now…
“She fucking tried to lay me out.” My brow knitted together. I had no idea what the fuck had just happened. My brain couldn’t even compute what was going on.
“I think I know,” Jess noted as she came down the staircase chewing her lip, my half naked brother behind her. “She walked in, and we may or may not have been in your bedroom—”
“You fucking what now?” I demanded, taking a couple of steps forward. I saw the instant fear and regret on her face, which was saying something for someone as strong and confident as Jess was. Not a lot rattled her.
“Hey,” Romeo interrupted as he pulled his shirt down over his head and moved to stand in front of her. “It was my fault, okay? Things got a little hot in the hallway… your room was right there. I dragged her in there, so leave her alone, all right?”
Running my fingers through my hair, pulling it back from my face, I shook my head. “No. Not all right, Romeo.” I couldn’t believe this was about to happen.
“There’s time,” Blizzard urged. “You go after her now, you could catch her in town—”
The flashing lights of two police cruisers pulled up outside the gates. They didn’t use their sirens, just their lights, so we knew they were serious, but so I didn’t have time to run.
Romeo stood a little taller, I could practically see the gears in his head turning over, and the sweat beading on his skin. “What’s this?” he asked, his eyes moving from the officers who were now climbing out of their cars to Leo and Blizzard, and then back to me. Optimus stepped out of the hallway, Wrench just behind him. They all kept quiet, leaving it to me to dump the news.
“We have a friend in the police force in Athens,” I explained, leaning back against the doorframe and closing my eyes. “They finally processed the evidence. He rang to let us know that the guys over at the jail in Huntsville were sending someone over to get me.”
Romeo was shaking his head, but not saying anything. His hands clenched at his sides. He was looking at me, the guilt in his eyes shining back at me. He knew this was on him. He took my gun. He used it to shoot the sheriff, and then he left it there for them to find. I didn’t blame him, but his stupid fucking choices were about to make my life a little harder—just like the choice he’d just made to fuck Jess in my bed had made my relationship much harder.
I was going to prison.
Could be a couple of weeks, could be a couple of months, or fucking years—at this stage, it was anyone’s guess. Given it was an officer of the law that was killed, they would try and take me for everything and anything that they could. They would try and make an example of me.
I was ready for it.
But obviously, my little brother wasn’t.
“You’ve got my shit organized?” I asked, looking over at Blizzard. I was trying to hold my shit together, but I felt sick. I’d been locked up before, but in a place where I had allies and not for killing a cop. I heard the prison officers don’t take too kindly to that kind of thing.
Something to look forward to.
Pain.
Blizzard nodded. “I’ve got your bag. We’ll get it over to you as soon as possible.”
Because Deacon could get in a shit pile of his own for giving us a heads up about this, I couldn’t walk out there like I was expecting them. It had to all be a surprise and not the pleasant kind. Part of me just wanted to say fuck it, if they’re going to arrest me anyway, I may as well make it worthwhile and chase Meyah down and make them come after me.
It wasn’t that I wanted her here while this shit was going down, seeing me put into handcuffs and being forced into the back of a police car wasn’t exactly a vision which would warm her and keep her positive over the few weeks or m
onths that I might be gone. But I also felt like seeing her just before I left might give me some kind of strength to come out of this on the other side.
“You could have stopped her. You just let her walk,” Leo accused, grabbing my shoulder and making me to face him.
“She doesn’t come anywhere near the prison,” I ordered, pulling back from his embrace, eager to get this the fuck over with before all the women who were outside with the kids realized something was going on.
The handful of brothers behind me followed as I started my walk toward fate, including Romeo who still hadn’t spoken.
“I think that’s a mistake,” Leo replied, jogging up beside me.
“Then it’s mine to make.”
“Hamlet!” I looked over my shoulder to see Skylar running out after us, waving a T-shirt in her hand, a flood of brothers filling the doorway behind her and stepping out into the yard. She made it all the way to us, out of breath and tossed me the T-shirt. “Look after yourself.”
I could see the tears welling in her eyes.
“Look after Meyah,” I responded.
She nodded once before turning and walking away.
“Hamlet Matherson?” one of the officers called from the other side of the gate as we approached.
I took a deep breath and looked over at Romeo who was barely holding it together. I could tell he wanted to step forward, but Op and Blizzard were both right beside him, ready to drop him or knock him out and drag him away if need be.
We’d already discussed this.
I knew it wasn’t me.
I knew we could prove it wasn’t me.
It might take a little while, but I knew we could walk away from this without my brother doing time for killing the man who spent six years torturing him.
We did what we had to do to give him his freedom.
And that meant taking mine away.
“Yeah, that’s me.”
“You’re under arrest for the murder of Sheriff John Visser,” the officer rattled, pulling his cuffs from his belt. “You have the right to remain…”
The rest was a blur.
I gave him too much power over me, and now…