We met with Alex at her home, only a few blocks from Meridith’s. She ushered us warmly into her study and seated us near the brick fireplace. Firelight reflected off her auburn hair as she listened intently to our story.
At last, she spoke. “Meridith, after we talked on the phone, I went to pull the file to familiarize myself with the details of the case. As it turned out, it was already pulled.”
“Why?” Meridith and I asked simultaneously.
“The story is breaking in the Tribune this week, so there’s no reason for you not to know. We’ve been investigating some irregularities which may have occurred over several years, including the time when Drew was convicted. It’s possible the police and the D.A., at that time, withheld and tampered with evidence.”
Meridith gasped as her hand flew to the base of her throat.
“In general, or in Drew’s case specifically?” I was excited, but I was thinking like a lawyer again.
“In Drew’s case, it appears there may have been rape kit evidence that wasn’t turned over to his lawyer. Apparently, if the evidence didn’t match the chosen defendant, it was kept under wraps.”
“Oh, my God!” Meridith exclaimed.
I sat, staring at Alex, afraid to believe Drew and I could ever be this lucky.
“I know this is important to you, but it could take a while to get it sorted out,” Alex said apologetically.
“We understand. Thank you so much for telling us.” I’d just gotten the best Christmas present I could imagine.
~
I found Drew in the back yard with the kids, stockpiling snowballs for an upcoming battle. “What took you so long?” he asked, as he often did when I went somewhere without him.
“It was only forty-five minutes,” I replied. My answer was muffled because he had swept me into his arms for one of his big bear hugs.
These enthusiastic “you’re back” embraces he’d been giving me lately were bittersweet. I suspected I got them because there was still a little part of Drew that thought I might not return to him whenever I left.
They always made me wonder how his miserable excuse for a father had explained to a seven-year-old that his mother was never coming home again.
“Wait for us!” Molly and Ben yelled in unison and ran over to throw their arms around us for a group hug.
When they released him, Drew started toward the back door. “I’m going to unload the groceries.”
I felt guilty. “No. We already took care of it. We only got a few last-minute things.”
“Like what?” he asked. I had forgotten he would be interested in anything that could be used in a kitchen.
“Like butter, and milk, and some other stuff I don’t even know what to do with. I only went along to keep Meridith company.”
He bought it. I congratulated myself on being so “culinarily challenged,” I didn’t have to lie in any great detail.
~
Later that evening, I sat by the fire in the living room reading Christmas stories to the kids. After I’d gone through Rudolph, Frosty, and ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, they seemed satisfied and ran off to make notes to leave for Santa.
I wandered toward the kitchen, where Drew and Meridith were working their magic. As I approached the swinging door, I heard my name spoken, so I stopped to eavesdrop.
“Mia is such a doll to entertain Ben and Molly,” Meridith said.
“She likes it,” he replied. “She’s like me. She always wanted to be part of one of those TV families where parents read books to the kids and everyone eats dinner together.”
“She’ll make a wonderful mother, don’t you think?” Meridith was obviously trying to get Drew thinking in the right direction and better prepare him for my news. “Won’t it be fun, when your kids come along, and Molly and Ben have some little cousins to teach the ropes to?”
“Don’t count on it,” was Drew’s reply. “I doubt I can hang on to her long enough for that to happen, and you know I couldn’t be a father, anyway.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying that!” Meridith exclaimed. “Mia loves you, and, of course, you can be a father.”
“I can’t see it, Meri. All I know is I want her in the house with me, or in the car with me, or wherever I am, right now. I can’t imagine getting old with her. I can’t imagine our kids. I can’t even believe I’m getting the now. There’s no way I’ll get to have the future, too.”
My heart sank. He was still the little boy without dreams. Meridith said I’d given him hope, but I wasn’t so sure. He didn’t even dare to hope I would stay with him. How could I plan for the future and raise a child with someone who couldn’t look forward?
Then I heard Meridith’s voice again, but this time it was adamant. “Drew, you listen to me. You have to change your thinking, whatever it takes. With this attitude, you’re going to force her to leave you. You’ll make it happen like I did with Carl. You’ll keep testing her and trying to control her until she has to go. Sometimes the other person feels like they have to abandon ship and save themselves no matter how much they love you. And since you expect to be mistreated or abandoned in the first place, you let it happen. Don’t do this, Drew. Find a way to learn from my mistakes.”
His response was inaudible. I couldn’t bear to go into the kitchen, so I opted for a bath upstairs and some time to think.
As I soaked in the tub, I thought about the secrets I was keeping from my husband. I needed to tell him about the baby and about my conversation with the D.A., but maybe not in that order. It made sense that if I gave him the news about the district attorney re-opening his case, it might make him feel more positive about the future, then I could tell him about the baby.
Now that I’d determined the order, I just had to decide when to do it. Maybe I should wait for a time when he seemed especially relaxed and receptive, or maybe in the car—no, the news about the pregnancy could be too shocking to deliver while he was driving. Either way, I knew I didn’t want to deal with it until after Christmas.
~
That night, after we’d helped the kids put out the cookies and notes for Santa, the three of us each took a turn tucking them in. Molly and Ben reveled in the extra attention.
After we’d given a half-dozen hugs and kisses to each of them, Drew and I followed Meridith downstairs. We sat and drank hot chocolate and chatted until the children were asleep. Once we’d helped Meridith assemble all the presents under the tree, the two of us retired to one of the lovely guest bedrooms. I was exhausted from my stressful week, and asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
~
It was still pitch black outside, when I was awakened from a dead sleep. The bed was bouncing and children’s voices were yelling, “Come on Aunt Mia, Uncle Drew. Santa came!”
I noted, for once, Drew was caught unawares and was not already dressed and making breakfast. We threw on some clothes and followed the excited kids downstairs where their drowsy-looking mother had prepared coffee for the adults.
Once the children had happily sorted through all of their Santa Claus presents, they remembered their manners and started passing out gifts to the adults.
Meridith had exquisite taste, as always. She’d purchased beautiful watches for us, a gorgeous cashmere sweater for me and, much to everyone’s surprise, Drew got a remote control car exactly like Ben’s.
The two “boys” were having such a good time with them they didn’t want to be bothered opening any more presents. Meridith finally confiscated the toys and told them they could have them back after everyone was finished opening the gifts.
I was surprised to see I had presents from Drew, since I knew he loathed shopping. The first gift turned out to be an exquisite lavender silk nightgown and robe with matching fluffy high-heeled slippers. I liked the fact that he had noticed what my favorite color was.
I laughed and laughed over my next gift. Drew had actually had a T-shirt made for me which read, “I am completely satisfied for the first time in my life.
”
Drew opened his clothing—brown slacks and a thin, golden-brown mock turtleneck sweater, and at least acted like he liked them. He was more excited by various kitchen gadgets and seemed impressed that I had managed to educate myself enough about them to make such fine purchases.
After most of the gifts had been unwrapped, he pulled out a long box and handed it to me. When I opened it and lifted the delicate gold chain, I was delighted by the charm I saw dangling from the end of it. It was the outline of a golden heart with two little diamonds nestled together, embedded in one side.
“I know it’s kind of corny,” he said sheepishly. “And they had lots of nice stuff, but I really liked those two little diamonds.” I knew exactly what he meant. The two diamonds in the heart represented the two of us in love. I thanked him with a kiss, and asked him to put it on me.
I still had one last gift for Drew. I pulled it out from the back of the tree and handed it to him.
It was a two-part present, with a flat item on the bottom and another rectangular box on top, tied together with ribbon.
But when he opened the sketch pad and artist’s pencils, he just stared at them longingly, like a child who knows he can look but not touch. I was afraid I’d brought back too many bad memories. I decided to break the spell.
“Go ahead, Drew, they’re yours. I give you permission.” He looked at me with surprise, as though I’d read his thoughts. “You can draw anything you want, even another self-portrait.”
His gaze lowered to the sketchpad, then his eyes met mine again. “I’d rather draw you.”
Later the same afternoon, while I was playing with Molly and her dollhouse, Drew began sketching.
~
On the way home in the car, I was curious to see what the sketchbook contained. “Is it okay to look?” I asked, as I placed my hand on top of the pad.
Drew glanced over at it in my lap. “Sure, as long as your expectations aren’t too high.”
I opened it, not knowing what to expect. The first was an adorable likeness of Molly, doll in hand, her eyes twinkling with enthusiasm as they always were. The next was of Ben and Charlie playing in the yard. Drew had captured the movement and excitement of the two of them so well it looked almost like a photograph.
The third and final drawing took me by surprise. It was me, lying on my stomach on a bed, hugging a pillow under my chest. As I examined the picture, I noticed I was wearing my wedding gown and the buttons were undone in the back, except for the last two. My head was turned back over my left shoulder as though I was looking at someone. Drew had remembered everything, down to the last detail of my dress.
He glanced over and saw which drawing held my attention. “Oh,” he said. “I did that one from memory.”
So, this was how he’d seen me on our wedding night when I was trying so hard to seduce him. Judging by the sultry look of the drawing, I hadn’t completely missed the mark with my efforts.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the picture. “I didn’t think you wanted me that night.” When he was silent, I asked, “What were you thinking when you were looking at me like this?”
“I was thinking I wished I were a real person, so I could reach out and touch your hair and run my hand down your back, and grab that incredible booty.”
I’d never heard the word “booty” come out of his mouth. I burst out laughing. “I wasn’t sure it had impressed you at all.”
“How’s that possible? That thing deserves its own name!”
I dissolved into laughter once more. “Don’t you dare name it!”
Chapter Nineteen
Throughout the next week, I procrastinated. Things had been going so well with Drew, I didn’t want to say or do anything to cause distress.
I was worried his learning about the baby could bring back his nightmares. I had certainly had some weird dreams since I found out I was pregnant. And I’d spent a great deal of time agonizing over my own maternal instincts, or possible lack of any. How much harder would it be for him?
Every time I’d planned to tell him about one or both of the secrets I was keeping, I’d chickened out. Now I could add “coward” to the list of personality traits I’d discovered about myself in the past few months.
~
For New Year’s Eve, Meridith had invited us to go to a big event, which would have sounded very exciting to the old Mia. Drew even offered to take me, although it was obvious he didn’t want to go, despite his attempt at sounding enthusiastic.
As far as I was concerned, the two of us snuggled together on the couch watching movies sounded like more fun. I wondered if it was the pregnancy or part of the general change in attitude I’d been experiencing.
Since Meridith had a real date to the party, I didn’t feel bad about turning her down.
Drew and I went to the video store and picked out three movies. He insisted on stopping for a bottle of champagne, which I was going to have to pretend to sip, unless I got up the nerve to tell him what was going on. Maybe tonight would be the night—new year, new beginnings and all that.
After dinner, I decided I wanted to be as comfortable as possible, so I went upstairs and changed into one of Drew’s pajama tops, adding a pair of socks to keep my feet warm.
As I came downstairs, he was leaving the kitchen. He took one look at me and smiled. “Come here.”
I walked over to him. By the look on his face, I expected him to embrace me and give me one of his quick, affectionate kisses. But when I reached him, he put his hands in my hair and messed it up thoroughly. “There, that’s better,” he said. “I think I’ll draw you like that.”
I laughed at him and went over to the couch. I lay down on my side with one of the throw pillows under my head and turned on the TV.
He got his sketchbook, and, as I watched television somewhat self-consciously, he began to draw. After a few minutes, I started thinking about my situation again.
I really needed to tell him about my conversation with the D.A., and especially about the baby. It wasn’t right keeping secrets from him.
My New Year’s resolutions should be: “Tell your husband the truth,” and “Don’t be a big chicken,” but not quite yet. We would have a nice, carefree New Year’s Eve together, and tomorrow we would tackle the issues of the new year.
“Okay, Drew, time’s up,” I said. “I’m putting in a movie.”
“Go ahead, I’m almost done.”
I popped in the movie and tried to get it started, but the remote control wasn’t working. It was lifted from my hand and replaced by a different one. “I think we go through this every time,” he said.
I felt like an old married couple and it made me happy to think of us that way.
I was surprised when Drew left the room without explanation, but then I remembered the drawing.
Feeling curious and a little sneaky, I looked over at the sketchbook on the chair. I tossed the remote down without bothering to start the movie, tiptoed over, grabbed the pad and quickly sat back down on the couch.
After flipping through the first few pages, I found Drew’s most recent work, and saw myself as he had drawn me.
At first glance, it was so sensual it nearly made me blush. My hair looked like I’d just finished some wild love-making, my legs were arranged in an inviting pose, and a hint of one side of my derrière was exposed, peeking seductively out from under his pajama top.
Then I noticed the expression on my face. This time, instead of the alluring look I had worn in the wedding night sketch, my eyes twinkled mischievously and there was a playful smile on my face.
The woman in this picture was beautiful, seductive, warm, fun-loving…
This was how Drew saw me. I had never thought of myself all those ways before.
I had worked so hard at being responsible and appearing intelligent for so many years when I was getting my awards and degrees. Yet, this one drawing made me prouder than all of those accomplishments.
I continued to study the picture until I felt
Drew’s presence behind me. I searched for the right thing to say to sum up my feelings about what I’d seen, but couldn’t find the words. Then, I felt his breath on my neck. When he spoke, I was intrigued by his low tone that sounded almost sinister next to my ear.
“Mia, do you know how you and the doctor keep telling me I should act on some of my impulses?”
“Yes…” I answered without turning around. My heart beat a little faster. I wondered what he could be up to.
“Well, I was drawing your picture and I started having one…big time.”
He straightened and I turned to look at him as he walked around to the front of the couch, completely naked!
It was such an unbelievable sight—Drew in the living room, without one stitch of clothing on. I had to chuckle. My eyes traveled down to the obvious source of his impulse. “Big time is right!”
He stepped toward me and his hot gaze swept from the top of my bedroom hair, down his pajama top to my legs, which were stretched out on the couch. Every part of me his eyes touched caught fire. He reached down and grabbed the toes of my socks and pulled them off slowly. He looked deadly serious.
“Get up,” he said in a commanding tone. I obeyed, mesmerized by the wild look in his eyes.
He took the last step toward me, reached out, and caressed the side of my face with the back of his fingers. “If you have a headache or something, you’d better run and lock yourself in your room, ‘cause I’m way past crazy, tonight,” he said, without a hint of humor.
I felt my temperature go up a hundred degrees in anticipation of what he would do next.
“Bring it on,” I said in a low, sultry voice.
That was all the encouragement Drew needed. He grabbed the front of the pajama top with both hands and pulled the two sides apart violently. Buttons flew through the air, but before they hit the floor, he invaded the open shirt with full force. His mouth seemed to be everywhere at once, rough and hot—on my lips, my neck, my breasts. I gasped at the shockwave that came with each new sensation.
I was so overwhelmed by his frenzied pace, all I could do was cling to him, and try not to lose my balance. But he held me firmly in his grasp, with no chance of escape—just as I’d always wanted.
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