"I don't blame you for anything, Noah." She bit her bottom lip, her eyes shining with emotions he couldn't define. "If anything, I owe you for taking me in when I had no one else to take care of me. I couldn't have asked for a better bodyguard than you've been to me."
He clenched his jaw with irritation. He didn't want her damn gratitude, or have his role in her life reduced to guardian. He ached to tell her again that he loved her, but would she even believe him, or just assume it had all been part of the ruse of their intimate relationship? And what of her declaration spoken in the heat of passion last night? Were her feelings for him real, or just part of what she'd perceived to be true before she learned actual reality today?
He was terrified to rind out. Terrified of having fallen in love with this woman, only to lose her.
"I think I've imposed long enough," she went on pragmatically, looking away so he couldn't gauge her expression. "And now that Chad is going to be prosecuted and behind bars, there's no reason for me to stay here with you. As soon as the police are done questioning me, I think I should leave and go back to my own place."
He shoved his fingers deep into the front pockets of his jeans and forced himself to ask, "Are you sure that's what you want?" He left the beginning or the end of their relationship in her hands. One word, yes or no, would seal their fates and futures. Together, or alone.
She hesitated, long enough to get his hopes up and make him believe that she might have a change of mind- a change of heart. Then she squared her shoulders and met his gaze, tough and strong and courageous.
"It's what I think is best," she whispered, giving nothing away, "for the both of us."
Despite Natalie's request that they go their separate ways, Noah couldn't stay away from her. Client cases consumed his days, especially since Cole and Melodie were still on their honeymoon, but he spent his evenings at Murphy's, just to be near Natalie, no matter how awkward and reserved things were between them now.
During the course of the past few nights it had been Gina who'd served him and Bobby their drinks, while Natalie handled a different section of the lounge. The times he came face-to-face with Natalie their conversations were friendly and polite, and he could have sworn he'd seen longing darkening her gaze. Or maybe it was all wishful thinking on his part.
All she had to do was say the word and he was hers, but so far she'd held true to her resolve to return their relationship back to the status quo of acquaintances. And he knew he had no one to blame for her decision but himself. He'd made the choice to entangle her in a fabrication that had destroyed any chance they might have had of a future together.
"Hey, Noah, it's your shot," Bobby said, snapping him out of his depressing thoughts and back to the game of pool at hand. "You've got solids."
Noah gave the front of the establishment one last quick glance for Natalie, who hadn't yet started her shift though it was nearly 7:00 p.m. Gina was working part of the lounge, while another waitress who usually worked a different shift covered the other section of the bar. Blowing out a tight breath tinged with frustration, he returned his attention to the placement of the billiard balls on the table. He lined up his cue, made the shot and completely missed the pocket he was aiming for.
He swore beneath his breath, though he wasn't surprised that he'd missed his mark. His game sucked lately.
Bobby lifted an amused brow his way. "Are you sure you don't want to trade in that soda you're drinking for a beer to loosen you up a bit?"
A wry grin canted the corners of Noah's mouth. "I doubt a few beers will cure what ails me."
Bobby leaned against his cue stick and studied Noah for a long moment before coming to his own conclusion about his friend's mood. "Man, you're in way over your head with Natalie, aren't you?"
I love her. The inescapable thought came automatically, though Noah kept the private words to himself. Bobby didn't know the extent of his relationship with Natalie-the intimacy they'd shared and the emotional depths in which he'd plunged.
Gina made her way to the back of the establishment and breezed by their table. "Either of you need a refill?" she asked.
"I'm fine," Bobby said, then made his shot, sinking two striped balls into two separate pockets.
"I'm good, too," Noah added, then dredged up the one question he knew Gina could answer for him. "Is Natalie off tonight?"
Gina cleared a nearby table and wiped down the surface. "I guess you could say that," she murmured.
Noah frowned, sensing much more to Gina's comment. "What do you mean by that?"
She glanced at him, searching his expression, then shook her head. "You don't know, do you?"
Witnessing the rueful look in Gina's eyes, Noah's stomach twisted into a knot of apprehension. "Know what?"
Gina hesitated, then finally said, "Natalie turned in her resignation this afternoon."
"She quit?" he asked incredulously. "Why?"
Gina chewed on her bottom lip, as if uncertain she should divulge any more information. She must have seen his desperation, because she finally put him out of his misery. "She told Murphy that she's moving."
A fresh wave of panic reared inside of him. "To where?"
Genuine regret filled Gina's eyes. "I honestly don't know, Noah."
"Order up, Gina," Murphy called from the service area, and she gave Noah a soft "I'm sorry" before hurrying over to the bar to pick up her drinks and deliver them.
Noah scrubbed a hand along his taut jaw and stared at Bobby, as if he could make sense of what was happening. "Where in the hell would she move to?" And why? Was she putting even more distance between them, or escaping memories of Chad's attack? Or a combination of both?
"I have no idea what goes on in the minds of most women. Maybe you should ask Natalie for yourself," Bobby suggested pragmatically.
Did he even have the right to question her choices? Noah wondered. After all she'd been through, after all he'd put her through, didn't she deserve to make the kind of decisions she felt were the best for her future? Even if that meant he wasn't a part of it?
Bobby came up beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't let her go without telling her how you really feel. If you don't at least try to bridge the gap between the two of you, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."
The profundity of his friend's words of wisdom made Noah curious. "Are you speaking from personal experience?"
Bobby shrugged, neither confirming or denying the direct question. "Just trust me on this, Noah. If she's the woman you love, then fight for her."
Noah had never been put in such a position before, having to win the affection of a woman. But then, he'd never wanted a woman as much as he needed Natalie in his life. And how ironic was it that he'd protected his emotions for so long, only to fall for the one woman who remained elusive to him?
He'd watched Joelle and Cole struggle with the same fears and doubts not that long ago. He'd even helped them to recognize the weaknesses that had prevented them from grasping happiness together. What Noah hadn't admitted to himself was that he'd been afflicted with the same insecurities as a result of his shaky childhood.
The scared little boy in him who'd faced so much rejection and pain in the past had kept him from laying his soul on the line the morning Chad had attacked Natalie. As hard as it was for him to admit, he'd been scared of taking a personal gamble that would leave him emotionally vulnerable. Then and there, he should have been brave enough to tell Natalie exactly how he felt about her, as Bobby had suggested. With the return of her memory, she needed to understand that his feelings for her were real, and not a part of some pretense designed to protect her.
Now that he had distance from the situation, it wasn't difficult for him to recognize that they were both running from a lifetime of tragic memories. They each harbored a fear of intimacy, feared trusting another person with their heart and soul. And yet he trusted Natalie with his life. He wanted her for keeps and forever, and he wasn't going to hide behind a painful past any long
er when she was everything he'd ever dreamed of, and so much more. And that meant taking chances-like finally buying her the engagement ring she deserved. A symbol of his belief in her, and an eternal commitment to them as a couple. It was time he faced his own fears and took a risk with his emotions, and with Natalie.
He had nothing left to lose, except his heart.
Natalie stood in the center of her studio apartment Saturday morning, unable to believe that her entire life could be packed into only half a dozen boxes. That was the extent of the personal belongings she'd collected over the years. She still had a few breakable items she needed to wrap up, but other than that, she was nearly set to leave Oakland and start out fresh-yet again.
Her chest squeezed tight with heartache, a reaction she should have grown used to the past week without Noah, but one that only seemed to get worse with each day that passed. She hoped the distance of her move would help ease her misery. By Monday she would be gone, a memory to all who'd touched her life so briefly, yet so profoundly.
An overwhelming sadness washed over her, and she immediately chastised herself for wallowing in grief. She was used to being on her own, and she wasn't a stranger to starting over. Being raised in a multitude of foster homes had conditioned her to being resilient, and taught her not to get too attached to any one person or any particular place.
With the onslaught of her amnesia, all the rules she'd lived by for so long had been forgotten. She hadn't remembered that she needed to protect her emotions from Noah, which had allowed another part of her personality to develop and blossom. She'd been open and uninhibited with him, and her sense of freedom with Noah had felt so liberating. And while so many men through the years, Chad included, had treated her like a sex object with long legs and big breasts, she'd never once felt as though her body was the key factor in Noah's interest. He'd been noble until she'd seduced him, genuinely concerned about her safety, and so incredibly caring, sweet and tender.
He'd set her confined soul free, in a way she'd never imagined possible. In a way that began and ended with her love for Noah.
A shiver coursed through her, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach, realizing just how much she stood to lose. Despite their fabricated engagement, there was no doubt in her mind that Noah was a man to believe in and trust- with her heart and her future. Yet they both seemed to be running scared of all that had developed between them in such a short amount of time. Her desire to be with Noah was so overpowered by her fear of being too vulnerable and too dependent on another person that she wasn't facing what her heart truly wanted.
She straightened and lifted her chin mutinously. "It's time you stopped running, Natalie," she said to herself sternly, knowing that her instinct to flee had to end so she could finally take charge of her life, her future. And the only way she could accomplish that was to stay in Oakland and continue to make a life for herself here, as she'd always intended. She needed to follow her heart and embrace the challenge, instead of always taking the easy way out.
Chad was being prosecuted with numerous felony charges that would keep him behind bars for years. She had a job she enjoyed at Murphy's, and with just one more year of college, she'd have her social work degree.
Undoubtedly, she belonged here, in a way she'd never belonged anywhere else. And Noah, with his protective nature and caring ways, was the reason. And if she wanted a relationship with him to work, she had to be willing to meet him halfway, in all things-including love, respect and trust. If he was still interested in a relationship. After the way she'd walked out of his life last weekend, and hadn't contacted him since, she wasn't so sure.
A knock sounded at her door, startling her. Figuring it was the apartment manager delivering her check for half the amount of that month's rent, Natalie opened the door and found Noah standing on the other side of the threshold. She sucked in a startled breath, and her eyes widened in surprise.
"Noah!" she gasped, a surge of hope mingling with uncertainty.
A lazy smile eased up the corners of his mouth, as if he didn't have a care in the world, reminding her of the easygoing bachelor he'd been before he'd taken her into his protective custody as his "fiancee." While she felt like a disheveled mess in a pair of old cutoffs and an untucked blouse, he looked damned sexy and all male in a pair of casual pants and a blue shirt that stretched across the broad expanse of his chest. His dark hair was tousled, and his striking blue eyes appraised her in turn.
"Hello, Natalie," he drawled, his voice so deep and sexy that her body surged with instantaneous awareness. "Can I come in?"
"Of course," she said, pasting on a semblance of a bright smile. He brushed past her into the small living area that encompassed her bed and a few necessary pieces of furniture.
Closing the door after him, she waved an apologetic hand at the open boxes scattered on the floor and the rumpled covers on her bed. "Sorry about the mess in here."
His gaze took in everything before coming back to rest on her, the flexing muscle in his jaw the only indication of emotion. "I heard you were leaving," he said gruffly.
She shoved her fingers into the back pockets of her shorts and affected a nonchalant attitude, though she craved his touch, his warmth. God, she'd missed him so much this past week! How had she believed that she could leave this man behind when he'd become her whole reason for living?
"I was thinking of moving to San Diego," she said.
He tipped his head curiously. "You were going to leave without saying goodbye?"
He looked and sounded genuinely hurt, and she hated that she was the source. She couldn't judge where they stood as a couple, or what the reason was for Noah's surprise visit, but with her decision to remain in Oakland firm, she needed to be honest and up front with him. "Noah-"
As if he didn't want to hear what she had to say, he started toward her, completely, overwhelmingly male, making her words stall in her throat as he approached her so determinedly. Stopping inches away, he tangled his ringers into her hair and tipped her head back so she had no choice but to look up at him and meet his hot blue gaze.
"Well, here's a going-away present for you," he said, and covered her mouth with his own.
He kissed her greedily, selfishly, deeply, and she opened to him, taking whatever he was willing to give her. Their lips meshed, tongues mated, and he swallowed the moan that bubbled up from her throat. Just when she thought she'd go up in flames, he slowed the kiss, drawing out the lush sensations, branding her with the heat and taste of him, making her melt deep inside.
After what seemed like an eternity, he lifted his head, his expression both fierce and tender at the same time as he gauged her response to his parting gift.
Feeling thrown off balance, she pressed her hands against his chest to steady herself. "That certainly didn't feel like a goodbye kiss," she said, her voice husky with the desire he'd so easily stoked.
"You're right. It wasn't," he admitted, and feathered his thumb along her bottom lip in a soft caress. "It was a kiss asking you to take a chance on me, on us." He trailed his knuckles down her cheek, oh-so-gently. "All you have to do is say yes, Natalie," he murmured.
As much as she longed to surrender to his tempting overture, her cautious nature couldn't help but wonder if he was here out of some warped sense of obligation. Or were his actions motivated by guilt?
There was one way for her to find out. And if he gave her the answers she sought, she was all his in return.
"When you told me you loved me that last night we were together, did you mean it?" She held her breath as she waited for him to answer.
His gaze softened, glowing with the same emotion she'd seen in his eyes that night they'd bared their hearts to each other. "I never say anything I don't mean."
"Neither do I," she said, her meaning clear. "Not even when I'm under the influence of amnesia." She'd fallen in love with him then, and she still loved him now.
A slow, relieved smile spread across his gorgeous face. " I love you, Natalie," he
said, the words resonating as strongly as the beat of her heart.
Tears of joy filled her eyes. "Oh, Noah, I love you, too," she whispered. And loving him gave her the strength to share her greatest fears. "And I've never been so afraid of wanting something as much as I want you."
"Then we have something in common, because all of this is brand new to me, too. I've never let myself need anyone before you, because I've lost too much in the past. Being a carefree bachelor was easier than risking rejection, in any form. But you- Ah, Natalie, you're worth every bit of that risk."
"So are you," she assured him. She may have come to that conclusion only moments before he'd arrived, but she'd always known it in her heart. "After my parents died, I refused to form attachments to anything or anyone. Even with Chad, I might have lost myself in that relationship, but I never, ever risked anything emotional with him. I swear the very last thing I was looking for when I moved to Oakland was love. You made my pulse race every time our eyes met across the bar, but I fought my attraction to you for months, as you know."
"Yes, I do," he said, and chuckled.
She smiled, too, then grew serious again, wanting him to understand everything that led to her loving him. "But with the amnesia I lost so many inhibitions-nothing held back my emotion and desires for you. No matter the circumstances, no matter the pretense of our engagement, everything I felt for you was, and is, real and true."
He hugged her close and brushed his lips across her temple. His contented sigh sent warm breath rushing over her skin. "You don't know how happy I am to hear that."
She pulled back, just far enough to look into his eyes, needing that connection with him. "I also know if the accident never happened and I hadn't lost part of my memory, then we wouldn't be standing here like this, because I never would have allowed you close enough."
A dark brow lifted with amusement. "Are you suggesting that fate brought us together?"
"Maybe I am." She shrugged, and smiled up at him. "Maybe we were meant to be together. I know I couldn't go back to the emptiness and solitude that was my life before you."
The Ultimate Seduction Page 18