* * * *
“I don’t know about you, but I’m fine with this becoming our New Year’s Eve tradition from now on,” Kyle said, his voice lazy.
They’d put a decent dent in the food the Clarke-Padillas had brought and were halfway through a superhero movie.
“Yeah, it’s nice.” Luka draped an arm across Kyle’s stomach. Kyle sat between Luka’s thighs and he had his back pressed to Luka’s chest. “I think you’d miss slinging drinks behind the stick in your bar though. I’m surprised it’s not driving you up the wall tonight.”
“Normally, it would, but I’m enjoying taking it easy this year. After everything we’ve dealt with, I mean.”
Luka didn’t know how to respond so he just pressed a kiss to Kyle’s head. He wanted things between them to be easy, like they used to be.
Thankfully, Kyle continued speaking. “You’re right. Next year, I’m sure I’ll be thrilled to be at Under, but maybe this could be our New Year’s Day tradition.”
A hollow feeling settled in the pit of Luka’s stomach. A week ago, he would have been glad to be making plans for a year from now with Kyle. But now, Kyle’s words just brought Luka worry. What if he and Kyle didn’t make it until next year? Luka had a dangerous and unpredictable job. If the assault had proved anything, it was that happiness came without guarantees. A string of events had led Luka and Kyle to be in the wrong place at the wrong time—who could say it wouldn’t happen again? Or that the outcome wouldn’t be even worse if it did?
The empty feeling settled deeper into Luka, as if it had taken root and had no intention of going anywhere.
Movies and even a brief nap on Kyle’s part had kept them occupied for the last few hours, but with five minutes to go until midnight, Luka switched to the television. The celebration in Times Square was being broadcast of course, and he shook his head at the massive throngs of people gathered to celebrate. Luka was glad they were both far from Midtown. In addition to the usual FDNY presence in the Times Square area, there were always additional firefighters and paramedics on hand during the New Year’s Eve celebration.
The NYPD had a heavy presence, too, of course, especially with the possibility of terrorist threats. But the fire departments had an equally large role to play to keep the massive crowds safe. Luka had worked New Year’s Eve in Times Square several times, and while nothing major had ever happened, it was still a grueling shift.
Working New Year’s Eve out of his own firehouse was bad enough. Drunk drivers, idiots with fireworks and Christmas tree fires kept them hopping. He wasn’t sorry to be staying in this year.
“Chances are I’ll be working either New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day most years,” Luka said to Kyle.
“Hmm?” Kyle craned his neck to look at Luka, who tried not to wince at the white bandage on his chin. “Oh, sure, that makes sense. I’m glad we get to ring in the New Year together this year. Even if the reasons are shitty.”
Luka heard the crowds on the television counting down. “Five-four-three-two—”
Kyle shifted and pressed his lips to Luka’s as they hit one. Luka kissed him back, but he was hyperaware of Kyle’s injury and that he might hurt him if he kissed him too deeply.
Kyle pulled back, a tiny frown furrowing the space between his eyebrows. But all he said was, “Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year,” Luka echoed, wishing he could muster up more enthusiasm this year.
“What do you say we finish this celebration in bed?” Kyle stroked Luka’s thigh.
“You sure you’re feeling up to it?” Luka asked, concerned. There were dark circles under Kyle’s eyes, and the bruising on his face had turned a sickly yellow-green shade.
“Yes.” Kyle’s tone was firm. “I’m sure. We haven’t had sex since…” He winced, like he couldn’t quite bring himself to say the words “the attack” aloud.
“I know,” Luka said quietly.
He was glad Kyle had made the overture though. Luka’s head was a jumbled mess, and he hoped some time in bed together would fix that. Luka didn’t like feeling so distant from him.
But later, as he turned Kyle onto his side and slid inside of him, he felt as far from Kyle as he’d ever been.
* * * *
“I feel like I’ve hardly seen you,” Kyle said as Luka shrugged out of his bulky winter coat.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
Luka glanced again at the scar tissue bisecting Kyle’s chin, then away. The external sutures had come out five days after they were put in, but Kyle’s skin was still red and puffy despite the oil he carefully rubbed on it several times a day. To Luka, the scar stood out like a beacon against the dark beard Kyle had been growing because his face was too tender for shaving. While Luka liked the beard, he hated the reason for it.
“Work’s been tough,” Luka said now.
He had been working a lot of hours since resuming duty, but Kyle didn’t know that was because Luka had volunteered for extra shifts to avoid being around Kyle. And while Luka hoped Kyle didn’t notice, the guilt inside Luka threatened to choke him.
“Glad to be back at the speakeasy?” Luka asked. He bent down and unlaced his boots.
“You have no idea. Even with Jesse driving me up the wall. He’s hovering like a mother hen.”
Luka laughed. “I can just picture it.”
“He’s not letting me do anything.” Kyle sounded exasperated.
“He’ll settle down. You’ve had two really serious things happen to you in less than six months, after all.”
“Two? Oh, the fire at Burger Barn. Yeah, I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Your friends love you and want you to be safe,” Luka said.
“I know.” Kyle leaned against the wall near the door. “I’m just saying I might strangle him if he doesn’t calm down soon.”
“That’s fair.” Luka tucked his wet boots out of the way next to Kyle’s.
A timer beeped and Kyle straightened. “I picked up a chicken pot pie at the market the other day. The store makes them onsite and they looked great. I’m in the mood for comfort food, I guess.”
“Sounds great,” Luka said. “Need any help?”
“Nope.” Kyle went around the corner to the kitchen, still talking as he moved. “I’m just putting it in the oven now. We’ll eat in about an hour, if that’s okay with you.”
“Sure.” Luka walked into the compact living space. As he sprawled on the couch, his knee bumped a pile of papers stacked on the table and they tumbled to the floor. Luka automatically reached for them, and though he tried not to read, words leapt out as he straightened the pages.
Dr. Okafor. Counseling. Tribeca. Anxiety.
Luka glanced up at Kyle, but he stood at the stove and had his back turned. Luka looked back down, scanning the documents more thoroughly. It appeared to be paperwork from a therapy practice. And it looked like Kyle was a patient there, seeking treatment for feelings of anxiety.
Feeling terrible for having snooped, Luka finished gathering the paperwork and set it back on the coffee table, and by the time Kyle turned around, Luka was playing on his phone as though nothing had happened.
“All set—I put a pan of vegetables in to roast, too. I figured we’d watch a movie until everything’s ready.”
Luka tried to smile at him. “Sounds good.”
Kyle sighed as he took a seat next to Luka. “Sorry I’m so boring right now. We’re usually a lot more active than this. I’ve just been in hibernation mode. It’s cold and snowy and I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Luka said. He understood the impulse, but now he wondered if there was more behind Kyle’s comment. Luka’s thoughts flickered back to the therapy paperwork. How much was Kyle struggling with that he wasn’t letting on?
An uneasy expression crossed Kyle’s face then. He gathered up the paperwork from the table and stood. “Shit, I’m sorry. I’ll get all of my stuff out of your way.”
He carried ev
erything to the file box he kept on the bookshelf nearby, and Luka frowned as Kyle tucked it away with quick, sharp movements. Kyle was a tidy person but not obsessively so, and the small pile hadn’t been in Luka’s way at all. What was going on here?
All evening, through the movie and dinner, Luka waited for Kyle to mention that he was seeing a therapist. But he hadn’t said a word and seemed to fall asleep almost as soon as his head had hit the pillow. Luka lay beside him, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what came next for them.
Physically, they’d survived the attack. But it seemed to be driving a wedge between them that he had no idea how to repair.
* * * *
Luka tossed his tablet on the couch beside him with a heavy sigh. Sometimes, the wealth of knowledge on the internet was more of a curse than a blessing. He’d spent the past few hours digging through the NYPD’s crime statistics for the past few years. They’d just released the data for 2015 a few days before, and the more he read, the harder his stomach churned. The sheer number of crimes staggered him, and the percentage of crimes that went unsolved was even more disturbing.
He’d followed that reading with news articles about gay bashings and race-related hate crimes, and now his head swirled with frightening statistics and images of incidents that had ended far worse than the one he and Kyle had endured.
Was this what their future held? A lifetime of fear and checking over their shoulders to look forward to? Even though Luka hated thinking it, he’d started to understand why his mother had pushed him toward dating people of color and Regina had pushed him toward women. His life still wouldn’t be easy—living as a black man in a white man’s world never was—but at least he wouldn’t have to endure additional strikes against him and whomever he was with.
Luka’s heart ached as he thought of Kyle. He loved Kyle so much. But what if being together endangered him? What if they went out some night and were attacked again? People said lightning didn’t strike twice in the same place, but that wasn’t true at all. Luka couldn’t deny that gay and interracial couples were lightning rods for hatred and bigotry. As a lightning rod, being struck at some point was an inevitable outcome, wasn’t it?
Luka didn’t want to lose Kyle. But what if losing him meant Kyle would be protected from harm?
Maybe letting Kyle go is the best way to keep him safe.
That toxic thought bounced around Luka’s head like a ping-pong ball every time he looked at Kyle’s face. A beautiful, kind and good man had done nothing but love Luka, and now he was permanently scarred. Because of Luka.
How could he ask Kyle to sign on to a future filled with fear?
“I thought you were making chili for dinner?” Matías’ tone was light, but Luka saw a crease in his brow. Luka blinked at his roommate and wondered how long he’d been staring at the floor stressing about his future. “Isn’t Kyle coming over tonight?”
Luka glanced at the clock on the entertainment center and winced. “Shit. Yeah, I should have started that half an hour ago. I got caught up reading on my tablet.”
Matías gave Luka a searching glance. “Are you sure you’re okay? You keep saying you are, but you’ve seemed off lately. I feel like you aren’t being honest with me.”
Luka stood. “I’m fine. I promise. Just a bit distracted.”
“You know I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I know. Thanks.” Luka brushed by him toward the kitchen. “Going out tonight?”
“Can’t you tell?” Matías twirled. He was dressed to the nines, complete with skin-tight pleather leggings and a face full of makeup.
Fear gripped Luka, but he forced a smile onto his face. “You look great. Be careful out there though, okay?”
Kyle and Luka were substantially larger than Matías and more masculine in appearance. More butch, as Matías liked to tease. If three guys hadn’t hesitated to go after the two of them, what might happen to Matías as he walked alone to and from the subway station late at night?
“I will. I’ve got my pepper spray.” Matías patted the bag he carried. “I’ll be fine. Don’t wait up for me tonight, Dad.”
Luka couldn’t manage a lighthearted reply to Matías’ breezy tone. “I worry,” he said instead.
“I know you do.” Matías leaned in and pressed a kiss to Luka’s cheek. “I appreciate it and I promise I’ll be careful. What happened to you is rare. It’s a dangerous world out there, but not everyone has it in for us.”
Matías’ words continued to ring in Luka’s ears long after his roommate had left.
Maybe not everyone, but enough people had it in for them. Enough that Luka couldn’t stop his fear every time he thought about the people he loved and what could happen to them if they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. His siblings. His mother. His stepfather. His roommate. His friends. People of color. LGBTQ people.
Luka’s worries gnawed at him as he chopped onion and sautéed beef. He knew the chili recipe by heart, so his mind was free to wander as he dumped beans and tomatoes into the pan and seasoned the mix with chili powder and cumin. He almost wished he’d chosen a more complicated recipe so he could focus on something other than the thoughts in his head. The more Luka thought, the more hopeless he felt.
He set the chili to simmer, then cleared the counter and was about to start on the dishes soaking in hot, soapy water when a knock sounded on the door. Luka dried his hands as he walked toward the door, and when he opened it, he could hardly see the figure on the other side through their thick winter coat.
“Kyle?”
“Fucking hell, it’s cold out there!” Kyle said as he stepped into Luka’s apartment. His words were muffled by the scarf wrapped around his face. He unwound it and pulled off his stocking cap. “Feels nice in here though. And it smells great.”
Luka closed the door behind him. “I just put chili on. I meant to start it earlier, but I got distracted.”
“That’s fine. I need to thaw first anyway.” Kyle peeled off his coat and stepped out of his boots. His cheeks were pink from the wind, and though the dark beard now covered the scar, Luka saw a hint of it below the dark hairs.
Luka averted his gaze, unable to stand the painful reminder. “Want some coffee?”
“Please.” Kyle snagged his belt loop. “But I’d like a kiss first.”
Luka turned back and pressed his lips against Kyle’s. Kyle’s nose felt cold against his cheek, and Luka was careful not to bump their chins together. For the first time since they met, his heart wasn’t fully in it.
When Kyle drew back, he kept his hand on the back of Luka’s neck, holding him in place. Worry lurked in his eyes and Luka wanted to look away. “Are you okay? You seem…not yourself.”
“Just tired. I had a long shift last night.” The thoughts whirling through Luka’s head were still too disorganized for him to share.
“Okay.” Kyle let go. “If you’re sure.”
“Why don’t you pick out a movie to watch while you warm up?” Luka suggested. “I’ll finish up the dishes and brew some coffee for us both. I’ll be there in a few.”
Luka was grateful for the distraction of the movie and put in another one as he and Kyle settled down to dinner. Staring at the screen was easier than looking Kyle in the eye, but truly focusing on what he was watching was another thing entirely. Kyle had told him the film’s name but damned if Luka could remember it or the movie’s plot.
The chili had turned out pretty good given the short cooking time, but Luka’s portion went mostly uneaten. He poked at it, hoping his appetite would magically return, and before long, Kyle set his half-empty bowl on the coffee table, too.
“Luka, are you sure everything’s okay?” Kyle asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Luka lied. He stroked a hand over Robbie’s soft fur. The ferret had been spending a lot of time with Luka lately, as if he could sense Luka’s unspoken distress. His warm little body and soft chirping noises were soothing in their own way, but they did nothing to shake Luka’s uneasi
ness.
Kyle paused the movie and shifted toward Luka but waited until Luka met his gaze before he spoke again. “You’re not fine.”
“I had a long shift, that’s all,” Luka said again. He hated lying, but what else could he say to Kyle right now? “Christmas tree fire. I wish people wouldn’t let the damn things get dried out and crispy, then leave the lights on when they go out.”
“Forget the Christmas tree. I’m worried about you.” Kyle frowned. “You’ve been tired and down. Are you sure you weren’t injured worse than anyone realized? Maybe you hit your head but didn’t notice at the time. Have you thought about going to see the doctor again?”
“I’ve been fully cleared.” Luka shook his head, aware he’d started to bristle but unable to stop the reaction. “If the FDNY is content with my fitness for duty, then I am too. I feel fine other than being tired. Maybe it’s just the lack of sunlight. It’s been so overcast and cold. It makes me want to sleep a lot.”
Robbie squirmed and Luka realized his grip on the ferret’s small body had tightened. Not enough to hurt him, but enough to wake him. Luka lifted his hand and the animal gave him a disgruntled look before jumping down and scampering toward the bedrooms.
“Don’t bullshit me, Luka!” Kyle sounded frustrated. “I can see you’re struggling. I know we went through something traumatic, but I feel like you won’t even talk to me about it.”
“Like you haven’t talked to me about your therapy sessions?” Luka bit out.
Kyle stared at him, open-mouthed. “How—how did you find out?”
“You left the damn paperwork on your coffee table when I was at your place last week,” Luka said, his annoyance now full and hot. “I saw it because I accidentally knocked it on the floor. I didn’t say anything because I hoped maybe you would tell me about it. But you obviously weren’t going to.”
Kyle sat back and rubbed at his forehead. Although they were getting better, Luka knew he’d had periodic headaches since the attack and might for some time. Just one more reminder of the danger Luka posed to Kyle’s life.
Behind the Stick Page 24