by Seoran Worg
“Don’t,” he warns me.
Why not? I am your wife, am I not? And you need some loving.
I draw near and give a soft peck to his lips.
“Ava,” he warns me again.
I retreat back and hold his gaze.
As if drawn by invisible string our lips meet. This kiss is different, I feel his urgency and mine. And I feel his wandering hand he draws my bottom to him. While the other is wandering to my hair. Then, he opens my night gown, feeling my bare skin. And I do the same; I want to feel his bare skin to satisfy my curiosity whether it is as hard as it seems.
Deftly, he turns me to my back, kissing me still. Then, he releases my lips, and trailing his kiss down to my neck. He stays there for a while and he go down.
Oh Gods, he is not going there, isn’t he?
But he does. I cry, calling his name.
Suddenly, he stiffens and stops. And I hear I loud bang of closed door.
“Your cousin,” he rasps and rolling of me, putting back his tunic.
My cousin? I don’t hear anything save the closed door.
I look down. I feel horrified when I see my naked breasts.
“He came, in good timing I guess,” Ryn says with chuckles, “I think another party has come. I’ll be in the yard if you need me,” he goes with a bow.
Now, minutes after he walks out the door, my heart is still racing madly.
I hear soft knock from the door.
I wake up and sit at the edge of my bed. “Yes, come in,” I say.
Ram enters the room hesitantly. His face is beet red and he looks down to the floor.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snoop but…” he stops himself.
“It’s okay,” I say. “Is your folk all here?”
“Only my brother and cousins. I thought you want to meet them. That’s why I am racing here. It’s already noon besides,” his eyes are going rounder, “I don’t mean… oh, I make a cake of myself.”
I laugh at him, “Let’s meet your folk,” I stand up and walk to the door.
“Wait,” he says hastily, “You can’t go like that,” he adds pointing at me.
I look down at my clothes. It is look presentable, just little wrinkling here and there.
Ram makes motion, waving in front of his face. I walk at the looking glass. And I see what he meant. I look a mess. My braid is in disarray and my lips are swollen. I sigh softly, I can’t do anything about the lips but at least I can do the hair.
“Thanks,” I say.
After I make myself presentable again, we go outside to the yard. There, three boys aged between thirteen and seventeen are waiting beside a big wagon.
Ram introduces me to them. The eldest is his brother Sam is his name. Two others are his cousins, Leon and Lars Worg. Their father is a Worg, Damien’s father younger brother. After look at the two cousins closely, they do resemble Damien.
“Are you really John Worg’s daughter?” ask Leon. He is the second oldest among them. He is about fifteen or sixteen years old.
“Yes,” I say, noting their tight expression. I know they don’t like my father and rightly so.
“Well, you’re not your father,” Lars says. He seems mature beyond his age, which not much older than Ram, the youngest.
“Of course,” says his brother. “But our parents won’t like her.”
“And her mother is that woman,” says Sam, “Oh, I am sorry, Ava. It’s what our mother calls your mother. It becomes a habit,” he says apologetic.
This is new. I don’t know that they hate my mother too.
“My mother? What she done?” I ask puzzled.
“Don’t mind them, Coz,” says Ram.
“Yes, don’t mind us” Sam adds.
We are talking for a while. They tell me about their family members. Ram’s mother is younger sister of Worg brothers’ father. There are five of them in the beginning of the war, twenty year ago. One was died during the war and the other, who is the clan leader, killed a year after the war end. Now, there are three of them. They also tell me about their other brothers, sisters and cousins. But it is hard to remember all.
I hear noisy voice from the road and shortly another party comes. They bring two big wagons with them. And I see their leader, he is Lord Sean Dubh, Lord Jim Dubh’s youngest son, the biggest opposition in the court.
What is he doing here? Oh dear Gods, it can’t be.
Shortly, servant greets him and ushers him inside the house.
“Ava?” Ram is shaking my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I didn’t hear what they said before. “I have to go,” I add hastily.
I go inside and asking the passing servant where Ryn is. He points to a room in the end of the corridor. I say my thanks and briskly walk there. The door is closed. I look around.
No one here.
I put my ear on the door. I know eavesdropping isn’t done for a lady but I don’t care anymore.
“The preparation is ready, my lord,” I hear Lord Sean voice. “My father says we should act fast.”
“I see,” says Ryn, “Say my thanks to your father,” he adds.
“It’s nothing,” Lord Sean adds.
Oh, dear Gods no…
***
The nigh is dark outside. Today is new moon day. I only can see stars in the sky. I feel night wind blowing, cooling the warm night. It feels nice but it can’t chase my worry.
I wait for Ryn to come but until almost midnight he still out so I decide to cool myself in the night wind. I try to calm myself under the sky and stars above.
Does he really support the hidden prince? What should I do now?
I come back to our room. As I enter the room, I see that Ryn is already there. He sleeps on the floor.
“Ryn,” I call him softly but no answer.
I sigh heavily and flopping down on the bed.
Soon, the dream comes again.
I sit in the midst of tall grass and I hold my sister lifeless body in my lap. I see an arrow is piercing her chest, where her heart is. I shake her, willing her to wake up. Then, her face turns into another. It turns into masculine face.
“Ryn,” I shout.
I feel a strong arm enveloping me.
“I’m here,” he whispers.
I am shaking in his arm.
“Sleep, Ava. I am here,” he says soothingly.
“Do you must helping this prince? I am afraid. You’ll die,” I whisper, “I saw you die in my dreams. Can’t you stay out of all this?” I ask him hopefully.
He says nothing, just stroking my back, soothing me.
“Must you?” I plead again, “I see Lord Sean this afternoon. What is he doing here?”
“This prince,” he pauses, “He is just a boy like me,” he tilts my face, searching my eyes in the darkness, “A simple life, he wants. Maybe he just wants to hold a beautiful girl like you,” he smiles in the darkness. “What is so wrong for wanting to life?” he adds.
I cup his cheek, “Nothing. You do know him so well, don’t you? But if it’s his life over yours. I’ll choose yours easily.”
“I believe. You’ll choose what best,” he whispers.
“Even if I’ll betray him?” I release his face.
“Yes, even that,” he says softly.
“Won’t you angry with me?”
“No,” he answers softly. “Let’s sleep,” he says after a long pause.
But I have another thing in my mind. If one stays between life and death, she tends to do reckless thing. And I miss being kissed.
***
The next morning, Ryn has already gone when I wake up. He sends a bathup with rose scented water for me.
It’ll be my last proper bath.
Now, I am soaking in the tepid water in the wooden bathup. We will depart to south west this afternoon. This morning, Ram, his brother and cousins have set out there with wagons and carts using different road. Ryn and I will take another.
I finish my bath and dry m
y body and hair, looking my naked body in the mirror. I wear nothing save the pendant and the Oracle’s necklace.
I see nothing changed that much but I feel different. I know I am different now. I touch my lips gingerly. Yes, it definitely looks different there. And another place too, it sore a little. But I can’t find remorse or regret. Now, I know why people love it so much, for I know that I am.
I pick the towel and dry my body more thoughtfully. I pick yellow colored tunic and skirt the servant left on the bed. I wear it. The clothes feel soft on my skin, for it is made of silk. It is softer than the last clothes I wore.
I look at the mirror again. Should I change my hair style?
I shake my head. No, no one pull their hair up here even the one say to be married. So, I just brush my hair and braid it in simple style, letting it fall to my back.
I hear soft knock from the door.
“Yes, come in,” I say calmly.
Ryn strides inside the room. I feel myself blushing.
“Are you okay?” he asks concerned.
I nod and look down; I can’t see his eyes now. But I know why he asks. He tried as gentle as possible last night. Many say it will be hurt but fortunately it was not.
He draws near, “Ava?” he asks softly. We stand toe to toe. “Are you resent me now?”
Swiftly, I look up at him, “No,” I say.
Why would he think that?
He smiles a little, “Good then,” he gives soft peck to my chin, my lips and my nose, “Let’s depart now.”
I feel stab of guilt, for I remember another man from another life. I ward it off fast.
He won’t miss me. I am nothing to him.
As Ryn and I arrive in the yard, people are already there. There are ten of us. And in few minutes, we are ready to depart. We ride to the west slowly, bringing two wagons behind us.
At mid-day, after we briefly stop to take our luncheon, we are parting way. Ryn and I go to the east with two others young men, leaving the rest with the wagons.
We ride in the dusty road between rocky hills. And the sun is descending in the west. I feel the wind and freedom. For a while I feel happy. This is how life should be.
I feel little sore but I won’t complaint and continue ride east following the winding road. I look to the sky above, now, it is blue mixed with purple and night will comes shortly. We stop, dismount and lead our horses entering thick woodland.
In less than a mile, we arrive at another cave. This cave is also one of the rebel’s dwelling places. The two young men, Aben and Kinz, find a torch easily. It is hidden in wooden box behind the rocks. There are also blankets and provision inside. Swiftly, we take our dinner. We eat in silent. It seems they don’t want talk much in front of me.
The night grows late and it is time to take our nap.
Kinz looks at me warily, and then he bows to Ryn and take his friend to another side of the cave, far away from Ryn and me.
I decide to explore the cave. I am walking inside further, and see that there is small hole in the roof of the cave. From there I can see stars above. The sky full of stars, only stars, it looks so beautiful. I choose the spot just below the hole and make a makeshift bed there. And I lay down, looking up to the sky. I touch the Oracle’s necklace under the fabric of my tunic that lies between my breasts. It is feel cold in this warm night. I desperately want to forget it.
“Looking at the sky again?” says Ryn. He lies down beside me.
“I miss the holy fire’s light.”
“In a week or so it will there again,” he says, “You’ll see them.”
I hear sadness in his voice, “We’ll see it together.”
A morbid thought suddenly cross my mind. I wake up and look him in the eyes, hovering over him. “You’re not planning to give up or abandoning me, aren’t you?”
He looks at me oddly.
“We’ll pass this together. And back to the city. All of us,” I look around and point to Aben and Kinz, “Them too,” I add.
“You can’t save everyone,” he looks at me solemnly.
“No, I can’t.” I flop down again. Suddenly, I feel tired. “Where we are going tomorrow?”
“Here and there,” he says.
We lay there in silent, looking at the sky and its stars.
“You have kindness in you. Don’t lose that,” he says softly. Then, he turns and holds me in his arm.
***
Today is the seventh day after we set out from Magali Village in the east. And shortly, we will arrive at the gathering place, five days earlier. I can see the turquoise blue sea ahead and hear the thundering waves clearly, from atop the cliff above the beach where I ride my horse slowly following the narrow path.
In the last two days, Ryn and I are wandering around, throwing false trail for the empress’ men. We have parted way with the others two, three days ago. They gave Ryn deep bow before left with another wagon full of weapon that we get from another village in the far south.
Between hiding and fleeing, we train our energy together. We are sharing our energy, and feeling him inside me is so glorious.
Out of three elements, I love ice the most, it feel calming and soothing the soul. I know this will end soon; this life is mere a dream and not mean to be reality. The empress will find us, I sure of it.
Two days ago, we almost trapped by the Blesseds that looking for us since the crossroad inn. This time luckily, we could elude them without coming to blow. But others were not as lucky as Ryn and I. I heard that four of our members were captured five days past.
I should make decision soon.
Coming back from my reverie, and I am focusing back to road ahead. Now, we are riding slowly following a narrow path, between two cliffs, down to the beach with four other rebels who we met yesterday. They bring two wagons full of provision with them. I know they still look at me in distrust, but I am Ryn’s wife now so they say nothing. Even for the rebels it is not done to gain say their leader.
Down in the beach, I see that some of the rebels already gathered there, at least twenty tents are scattered below the big grey cliff on the south.
I should stop this war, for I am sure it is war they are planning to. With many weapons and provisions they have gathered, I am sure it is for the coming war. I look at Ryn profile, and suddenly, I feel a sting in my eyes, burning with unshed tears.
But it is my duty to protect this empire. I should prevent the bloodshed and unnecessary deaths. Just like a dream I have to wake up and do what a must. I really wish to run away now, to the west or east, it doesn’t matter.
Will he go with me? But of course he won’t.
It should be an easy choice but it isn’t. I keep telling myself that this hidden prince is nothing to me. And I have to believe that.
Will Ryn forgive me?
It shouldn’t matter. I say to myself. I fight the tightness in my chest, trying to steel myself and keep my resolve.
This is for the goodness of all, both the rebel and the empress.
The clay road ends and turns into sand. Finally, we arrive in the beach and dismount from our horse. Ryn and I chose spot under the south cliff. We make our tent far from the others, deep inside the land just before the vegetation start, far from others.
The tent is in muddy color and has the same size as his first tent in the Lover Bay.
After finish building the tent, Ryn goes out to attend other important matter as he always does whenever we stop to meet other rebels. I say that I am tired so I stay alone inside the tent. I don’t want to get too close with these rebels. I don’t want to feel attached with them, for I will be a traitor.
I steel myself and draw deep breath. It’s for the good of the people, I tell myself.
I wait for a while, my heart beating fast. With trembled hand, I pick my necklace, the one that Oracle’s gave me. I open its bind and take one stone and bite my thumb until it bleed. Then, I smear my blood on the stone. I see it is gleaming red, and then it dims a little and
shines brighter again. I dug sand below the mattress and burry the stone there.
It’s done.
I hug my knees, sitting on the mattress, atop the stones.
Yes, this is the right decision. I keep telling myself but tears keep rolling down my cheek. My chest is hurting, like invisible claws are tearing them apart.
It’ll be alright, I say again and again, willing myself to believe the lie.
All I need to do is waiting now. The empress’ army will come. I don’t want them to come but I have duty to the people, my family and to this empire. It should be easy choice. It is only one person life against hundreds, no, not hundreds, it is thousands. That is not right either. It is against the whole empire.
What is one against thousands?
Nothing, says my rational mind. I cover my ear with my hand to shush another voice that drives knife to my heart.
Ryn, please forgive me.
I stare bleakly ahead. For how long I don’t know. Now, I see that the night has fall, it is dark now. I sit in the darkness, willing the sadness to go but stubbornly it won’t, like a dark cloud before the storm.
It’ll be over soon. And I will be back to the man I love, my prince, I tell myself so many times. It’s my mantra now. And I start to believe it.
I lay down on the bed, but sleep is still hard to catch. In the dark, I hear movement of opening and closing tent’s door and muffled footsteps afterward.
“Ryn, is that you?”
He comes near, “What’s wrong, Ava?” he asks.
“Hold me,” I tell him.
He says nothing. He just takes off his outer garment and lay down beside me.
“What happened? Nightmare again?”
“Yes,” I lie.
He hugs me as always when the nightmare comes. I feel his sure stroke on my back. And I cry, harder and harder.
I am sorry.
My tear is getting out of control.
“Why is this?” he erases my tears in the darkness.
I hear his soft sigh, “Whatever it’s. It’s going to be alright,” he says softly.
I hug him tighter.
No, it won’t.
“I am sorry,” I whisper. I feel he starts to raises. “Don’t go,” I plead.
“I just want to lit the candle.”
I hold him still, “Kiss me,” I plead.
He is hesitant for a while. But a moment later I feel his soft lips on mine. It is a gentle kiss. I feel a sharp pain in my heart, like it is shredding into pieces.
Please forgive me, I say it with a kiss.
Chapter 19
The morning light penetrates the fabric of tents, making it glowing bright. Immediately, I close my eyes because of the sudden glare. A new day has come; it is the third day I stay here. It is too fast. I wish it is still night.