WE HEAR PAUL’S VOICE on the phone.
PAUL
(excitedly)
CONGRATULATIONS!! Skirts got the green light today. They’re making your movie!
HILLARY
Really? Swear?
PAUL
Yep. I’m so proud of you guys. You and Katie should be so happy.
ON Hillary’s face, a combo platter of emotions.
FADE OUT as the cover of Daily Variety FADES IN: “IT’S A GO FOR COLUMB PREXY’S PET PROJECT SKIRTS.”
CUT TO:
INT. PAUL’S OFFICE–A MONTH LATER
Hillary sits with Paul and Kenny, getting updated.
KENNY
I’m sorry Katie couldn’t be here, but it’s great she sold a TV show in Toronto.
PAUL
Yeah, she’ll be there for the next several months. It’ll be good for her to go back home for a bit.
Hillary couldn’t look more relieved.
PAUL (CONT’D)
So, Kenny and I have a lot to catch you up on.
HILLARY
Lay it on me.
PAUL
Well, there’s good news and bad news.
Hillary takes a breath. She’s ready to hear.
KENNY
Debbie Gibson’s been cast as the lead.
HILLARY
What?! Is that the good news or the bad news?
PAUL
I know, she’s not really how we pictured the character.
HILLARY
She’s really talented but I believe the description of Betty is “sexy and hot.” Not really words I’d use for “pop-princess” Debbie Gibson. And can she dance?
KENNY
You leave that to me. I’ll have her dancing.
PAUL
Look, the studio didn’t want to go with an unknown, and Debbie’s the most famous teen girl today. I think it’s a smart move.
HILLARY
Okay, if that’s the good news, should I take a pill before the bad news?
KENNY
Wait. One other thing. We’re starting to audition dancers tomorrow. I want you to be there.
HILLARY
Wow. I’d love to! How exciting.
(beat)
So, come on, you’re killin’ me here. Bad news?
PAUL
(takes a deep breath)
Lynda hired Richard LaGravenese to do a polish of the script.
HILLARY
(in disbelief)
What?
PAUL
I’m sorry, Hill. The studio wants you guys off the project.
HILLARY
You’re kidding, right? We did every single note they asked for. What more can be polished?
PAUL
It’s Lynda. She’s been working with Richard, he’s been having a lot of success, and she wants him to take a pass at the script.
He stands up and goes over to Hillary.
PAUL (CONT’D)
Don’t worry. I’ll show you what he’s doing and if you and Katie want to do any fixes, I’ll take them in and say they’re from me.
HILLARY
I can’t believe this. One minute they’re kissing our asses and then the next they fire us from our own movie and hire someone to rewrite it without even telling us! THAT SUCKS!
PAUL
Welcome to showbiz.
CUT TO:
INT. DANCE STUDIO–DAY
Paul sits in between Hillary and Lynda. Kenny demonstrates a dance routine while a room full of girls--black, white, Hispanic, Italian--all learn the moves. The girls are brilliantly dressed like they’re all in gangs in 1964.
QUICK CUTS:
—Kenny splitting the girls into groups of ten.
—Kenny working with each group as they learn the moves.
—Hillary talks to Paul, but she and Lynda barely say a word to each other.
—Kenny calls the groups up one at a time, and they all do the routine flawlessly.
It’s absolutely amazing. The intensity of seeing a gang of girls kicking ass with powerful dance moves, bringing the essence of Skirts to life, is overwhelming, especially for Hillary.
HILLARY
(to Paul, holding back tears)
I wish Katie were here to see this.
CUT TO:
EXT. PAUL’S BACKYARD–A FEW WEEKS LATER–AFTERNOON
Hillary helps Paul set out plates of hors d’oeuvres.
PAUL
I wanted to get you up to speed before everyone arrives. We’ve been doing some casting and have found some terrific people.
HILLARY
That’s great! Like who?
PAUL
For Juanita we cast Rosie Perez, who was just in Spike Lee’s film Do the Right Thing….
HILLARY
She’s fantastic!
PAUL
And for Monica and Fabio, a couple of unknowns--Marisa Tomei and David Schwimmer. I’m sorry you can’t come see the screen tests.
HILLARY
Why can’t I?
Paul stalls a bit, wiping some crumbs off the table.
PAUL
Lynda has Richard sitting in.
HILLARY
No fucking way! None of this would be happening without my idea and our script. I thought he was just hired to “polish” it, and you’re telling me that HE’S part of the casting and we’re not? This is so fucked up!
We hear a VOICE call from the backyard gate.
LYNDA (O.S.)
Helloooo!
Hillary ties to contain herself. Paul opens the gate and there’s Lynda standing with a MAN. Paul and the man give a warm hug--they know each other. Lynda sees Hillary.
LYNDA (CONT’D)
Oh, I didn’t know you were coming with us tonight.
Hillary can barely get out a greeting as Lynda and the man walk in.
LYNDA (CONT’D)
Hillary, this is Richard LaGravenese.
HILLARY
(pulling herself together)
Hey, nice to meet you.
RICHARD
You too. You guys wrote a great script.
Thinking, “then why are you here?” Hillary just says, politely:
HILLARY
Thanks.
CUT TO:
INT. GREAT WESTERN FORUM–BACK TO PRESENT DAY
Hillary sits next to Paul, who sits next to Lynda, who sits next to Richard, all in the audience watching Debbie Gibson. The crowd goes wild as Debbie finishes her concert.
DEBBIE
(from the stage)
Thank you so much. Good night, everyone!
Thunderous applause and standing ovations.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FORUM CLUB–LATER
An after-concert party is in progress. There’s a long line of people waiting to talk to Debbie. Lynda grabs Richard by the hand, takes him over, and cuts to the front of the line. Hillary and Paul tag along.
Lynda hugs Debbie.
LYNDA
What a fantastic show! Just wait ’till all your fans see you shine in Skirts!
DEBBIE
Thanks! I’m so excited!
LYNDA
Debbie, I want you to meet the writer of Skirts.
Hillary smiles, starts to move toward Debbie. But she’s cut off by Lynda who continues:
LYNDA (CONT’D)
This is Richard LaGravenese.
DEBBIE
Hey Richard. So happy to meet you. I can’t tell you how much I love this script.
SLOW PAN OVER to Hillary who looks like she’s been kicked in the gut. Oh wait, she has been.
CUT TO:
EXT. MELISSA ETHERIDGE’S BACKYARD–AFTERNOON–MONTHS LATER
Hillary is at a party filled with attractive gay women. ELIZABETH, a striking brunette, brooding and dark, is flirting with Hillary. MELISSA ETHERIDGE, with short spiky hair, brings the woman over and introduces her to Hillary.
MONTAGE of Hillary going out with her new girlfriend, ELIZABETH.
—
At a concert together.
—At a cabin by a lake.
—Driving in a convertible down the streets of L.A.
—Calendar pages flip, six months passing.
CUT TO:
HEADLINES SPIN INTO FRAME:
—Daily Variety: “SONY BUYS COLUMBIA. GUBER-PETERS SET AS CO-CHAIRMEN.”
We see more of the article: “Whether Dawn Steel will remain at Col is unclear. In any case, one of her films, Skirts, starring Debbie Gibson, is safe. Picture is fully crewed and cast, set to start filming in Los Angeles shortly.”
—New York Daily News spins into frame. We see: “SKIRTS…VICTIM OF STUDIO POLITICS: DEBBIE GIBSON’S CHAMPION, COLUMBIA PICTURES PREZ DAWN STEEL, IS RUMORED TO BE ON HER WAY OUT.”
—The Hollywood Reporter spins in, its headline says: “GUBER, PETERS DROP STEEL’S SKIRTS PIC.”
CUT TO:
INT. HILLARY’S HOUSE–BEDROOM–DAY
Hillary lies on the bed; all the papers with headlines we’ve just seen surround her. It’s clear she’s been crying. She looks at the phone, hesitant. Finally she picks it up and dials.
WE HEAR THE PHONE RING and KATIE ANSWER.
KATIE
(on the phone)
Hello?
HILLARY
Hey. It’s me. Did you talk to Paul?
KATIE
Yeah. I can’t believe it. I really wanted to call you but I thought….
HILLARY
I know.
KATIE
Honey?
(beat)
I’m so sorry. About everything.
HILLARY
I know. Me too.
CUT TO:
INT AIRPORT–ONE WEEK LATER–DAY
Katie gets off a plane and walks through the gate into LAX.
CLOSE ON her face, filled with shock and delight as she spots someone.
ANGLE ON Hillary, in a crowd of drivers who all hold signs to pick up a specific passenger arriving.
Hillary holds a sign, too. It says CLORETTA.
Katie dissolves into laughter and runs up to hug Hillary. They don’t let go for a long time.
CUT TO:
INT. THEATER–MONTHS LATER–NIGHT
ANGLE ON an audience. We see Katie sitting with Paul and Kenny in a small auditorium. Hillary’s girlfriend Elizabeth sits with them, too.
The lights dim and Hillary walks out onto the stage. The audience applauds.
HILLARY
Hey everyone. Thanks so much for coming tonight. When I started volunteering at Aviva, the residential treatment center for at-risk teenage girls, I was teaching creative writing. But as I spent more time with the girls, I realized there was a piece of material that would be perfect for them to appear in. So I’m proud to present the girls of Aviva starring in…SKIRTS!
MUSIC KICKS IN. The curtain goes up. Twelve teenage girls who’ve all really been in gangs, enter onstage. They start dancing, doing the routine that Kenny had choreographed at the Skirts dance auditions. The girls are as kick-ass and powerful as the professional dancers. What’s more, they’re the real deal, totally capturing the initial essence and vision of Skirts.
ANGLE ON Katie, Kenny, and Paul, who all couldn’t be more thrilled.
Katie sees Hillary standing in the wings. Hillary catches Katie’s eye, too. We see in their look that despite all they’ve been through--personally and professionally--everything’s OK now, and they’ll remain close friends and collaborators for a long time to come.
FADE OUT ON: The MUSIC THUMPING, the girls dancing, and the audience clapping along.
THE END
* This is a fictitious screenplay based on actual events.
1990
Ken, Sam, and I continue to rent our house out as a location for films, TV shows, and commercials. Bea Arthur sleeps in my bed, Billy Crystal tends our garden, and the entire exterior of our house is painted pink.
At Farm Aid IV, Elton John dedicates “Candle in the Wind” to teenage AIDS patient Ryan White. White dies the next day. Ten more people I know succumb to the disease.
Other endings: Nelson Mandela is set free from prison, signalling the end of apartheid in South Africa; President Bush and Soviet Union Leader Mikhail Gorbachev sign a treaty to end chemical weapon production; and Sammy Davis Jr. dies.
The Fender Stratocaster that Jimi Hendrix used to perform his famous version of the “Star Spangled Banner” at Woodstock is auctioned for $295,000. My brother, still a huge Hendrix fan, and his wife give birth to their second child.
A photographer friend is hired to take pictures of one of my favorite singers, Nina Simone, in Nina’s L.A. apartment. I pose as a photographer’s assistant so I can meet her.
Unemployed and living on state benefits, J. K. Rowling comes up with the idea for Harry Potter while on a train ride from Manchester to London.
Mötley Crüe’s Tommy Lee is arrested for indecent exposure after mooning an audience during a concert in Georgia. Maybe now he’ll stay out of trouble.
After breaking up with Elizabeth, I take some time off from relationships. MC Hammer dominates the charts with “U Can’t Touch This” and the top-grossing film of the year is Home Alone.
Madame Zola, Psychic to the Stars
I trip over a tricolored gnome lawn ornament that hovers protectively next to the front door, nowhere near any lawn. I obey the handwritten sign that reads “PLEASE NOCK” and I “nock.”
A plump Eastern European woman dressed in stone-washed denim hot pants, a Lakers T-shirt, and rhinestone-studded high platform shoes greets me. She leads me into a small living room inside the stuffy house in the San Fernando Valley and gestures for me to take a seat beside her on the plastic-covered sofa. I have waited weeks for an available appointment and now finally I’m here with Madame Zola, Psychic to the Stars.
A familiar-looking brunette wearing a lot of gold jewelry sits across the room on a plastic-covered rocking chair. Will she be present during my reading? Who is she, anyway? I know I’ve seen her before somewhere.
Madame Zola offers me a butterscotch Lifesaver. I accept and suck away on it, anxiously waiting for our session to begin. But instead of divining my future, she turns toward a large console television set that blares from one corner of the room and settles in to watch the soap opera playing on it.
Then I get it. This is not Madame Zola, Psychic to the Stars. At least I hope it isn’t.
I need guidance, and I need it now. I have never been at so many crossroads at once. I don’t have a clue what to do next with my career—do I keep writing screenplays, which are lucrative but soul-crushing, in a business where it’s nearly impossible to retain an original vision? Do I return to performing even though the audition process is humiliating and I’ve only managed to be cast in small roles in less-than-stellar projects? Do I keep writing but in some form other than movies? And my love life is in dire need of new direction as well. My last girlfriend, Elizabeth, turned out to be even more dark and draining than the previous few and, even though I managed to overlook those qualities—just like my other girlfriends, she needed her “independence” and was unable to commit to a relationship.
Queen of the Oddballs Page 16