‘I haven’t heard from her since Monday. She might be shutting me out, too.’ She could guess the reason why. In Scarlett’s shoes, if she’d had a fight with her husband, she’d want some time to think things through before unleashing her friends on him. A lot of things got said in the heat of the moment, things that couldn’t be taken back later when you no longer wanted your friends to hate your spouse.
‘You’re definitely not going to want to hear this, but you’re part of the reason,’ Rufus said.
His words made her head swim. That couldn’t be right. Scarlett wouldn’t stop speaking to her just because of Rufus. They were best friends. They needed each other. Didn’t they?
His face was deadly serious. ‘We were out on Tuesday–’
‘But that doesn’t matter!’ She cut him off. ‘Rufus, come on, she knows I would never take your side over hers, or hers over yours.’
‘That’s not what I mean…’ He scowled. ‘You would, though, wouldn’t you, in some cases? I mean, you’d have to be loyal to the one who was wronged, like if one of us was definitely being a dick. You wouldn’t stand by and watch the other one get hurt.’
‘Who’s being the dick, Rufus?’
His scowl deepened. ‘Opinions differ on that. She’s so disappointed in me. I can’t give her what she wants. I’m damaged goods. Do you know she started talking about sperm donors and artificial insemination as we left the urologist’s? As we left, Shannon. Like it doesn’t matter who her baby’s father is. It could be anybody as long as she gets one.’
It was Shannon’s worst nightmare. Not because the strings that wove her safety harness in the world – her best friends – were ripping apart, or even because she faced being asked to choose between them.
The worst part was that she did think Scarlett was being harsh. She was already being disloyal in her head and she felt like a prize arsehole for that.
‘You’ve got to make an excuse to see her, Rufus, to sort this out. I know! You want to see the dogs. That’s fair, isn’t it? You’re their parents, too. If you could talk to her while you’re there, I’m sure there’ll be an answer.’
But first she had to talk to Scarlett herself.
Chapter 29
Scarlett hadn’t seen Rufus in fourteen days, nineteen hours and (she checked her phone) about fifteen minutes. He’d left her at least twenty voice messages though, so she shouldn’t have been surprised to find him sitting on their front step when she got home from Charlie and Naomi’s sessions in London.
‘You’re actually doorstepping me?’ she called from the pavement as Rufus came into view.
‘It works for journalists,’ he called back, rising to his feet.
‘What makes you think I want to see you?’
‘I know you don’t want to see me. Your silence is deafening. But we have to talk.’
That little phrase caved her tummy in. How many times had she heard it at the end of a relationship? How many times had she said it herself? ‘I don’t feel much like talking, thank you.’
‘Scarlett, we can’t go on like this. We’re married. We’ve got to talk to each other.’
Her pace slowed. She didn’t want to be close to him. ‘You know that’s not true, Rufus. Your parents never talk to each other. It’s worked for them for decades.’ When he smiled she clamped her mouth shut. She couldn’t let herself fall into this banter. It was too easy, too normal and she was afraid to feel normal. Because as soon as she let her guard down and dared to think there might be a way forward, the reality slapped her again. It left marks every time – when she saw someone wearing a jacket like the one she got him last Christmas, or heard the salsa music he loved and then remembered why they weren’t talking – and they hurt.
He looked too good to be feeling very terrible. Maybe he had shadows under his eyes, but they were as bright and blue as ever. His hair wasn’t greasy or his stubble unkempt; he didn’t look like he’d been living on a diet of takeaways and despair. She knew she couldn’t say the same.
‘I’d like to see the dogs, please. I’ve missed them.’
‘Suit yourself.’ She held her breath as she moved past him to unlock the door. The last thing she wanted to do was sniff the cologne she knew he was wearing. ‘You could have come earlier when I wasn’t here.’
‘I know.’ To the delight of the dogs he followed her inside.
‘Take them for a walk if you want,’ she said as they danced all over his feet. Anything to get him out of the house so her heartrate could return to normal. As she passed the mirror in the hall, she wiped away some of the eyeliner that had smudged under her eyes.
Stop that! She forced her hand to stay away from her hair. Let it be lank and unfluffed. It didn’t matter.
‘I’ve got to go soon, so you can let yourself out,’ she called over her shoulder as she headed for the kitchen. At least there she might be able to think straight.
‘I was wondering about that,’ he said. ‘Could I come with you to your parents’?’
She whipped round. ‘No! Rufus, what are you thinking?’
‘I’m not thinking, I’m hoping. Scarlett, we have to find a way through this.’
‘I don’t have any idea how to do that. Please, tell me how, will you? Am I supposed to forget everything that’s happened and go on as normal, being best friends with the woman you may actually want to be with?’
‘I DON’T! Christ, Scarlett, can’t you understand that? I don’t have any interest in Shannon. I never have. We’re mates, that’s all. What I said was a mistake. It doesn’t mean anything.’
Of course it meant something. Maybe not that they were having an affair, but it meant that something wasn’t right. Besides, it wasn’t just Shannon, was it? That’s what had knocked the stuffing out of Scarlett, but it wasn’t the only problem. It might not even be the biggest one. If he couldn’t see that, then there wasn’t really anything left to say.
‘You need to go now,’ she said. ‘Or I will. I’ll go early to my parents’.’
His expression clouded over. ‘Fine. I want to see the dogs regularly. They’re mine, too.’
She couldn’t believe they were discussing custody. She willed her voice not to shake. ‘Suit yourself. I’d prefer it if you didn’t come when I’m here, but if you can’t do that, then don’t expect me to drop everything to welcome you.’
‘Yeah, I can see that’s not going to happen,’ he said, clipping on the dogs’ leads.
She was still shaky as she eased the car out of its parking spot. What else were they going to have to discuss? Who got the dogs during the holidays or whether to cash in on their house? Dividing up the CD collection or who got custody of their best friend?
Scarlett knew she needed to talk to Shannon, who was still leaving voicemails nearly every day. The messages were less imploring than they had been, as if she didn’t really expect a response any more.
She’d picked up her mobile to ring more than once, but her pride just wouldn’t let her. If only she could work up enough anger against Shannon that might propel her into that first conversation, instead of wallowing in the cloying mire of humiliation that was leeching away her self-esteem. She couldn’t find the righteousness, though, not against Shannon. She’d wracked her memory for any sign that she’d flirted with Rufus or ever encouraged him to think of her without her clothes on. There was nothing. The blame for his words lay squarely at his feet, not hers. In a way, that was worse. He hadn’t fallen victim to a wanton woman’s charms. He’d sought them out, even unbeknownst to her, and decided they were worthy of sexual fantasy.
So Scarlett was only left with the shame that swamped her every time she imagined telling Shannon about that. It kept her away from the phone, but she missed her best friend.
‘Something smells good!’ she called into Felicia and Dad’s house as she let herself in. They’d be together in the front room as usual – Dad reading in his chair and Felicia tidying around him. ‘I brought ice cream.’
‘Chocolate, I hope?’ Jacob sai
d as he rounded the corner from the front room.
‘What are you doing here? I mean– not that you’re not welcome, but you’re always at the hospital.’
‘Gemma told me about you and Rufus.’ He covered the distance between them in a few long strides. Gathering her up into a hug he said, ‘I don’t know if it helps, but I wanted to be here.’
And just like that, the delicate mortar holding together the bricks of her composure crumbled.
‘Jacob, what have you done to Scarlett?’ Gemma demanded when she saw the tears. ‘Come here, honeypots.’ She got in on the hug.
‘This is getting a little embarrassing,’ Scarlett murmured into the family huddle. She could feel Gemma’s tummy pressing into her side. ‘Thank you, though.’
Gemma handed her the kitchen roll. ‘Your mum is here. Want me to get her?’
‘No, that’s okay.’ She honked her nose. ‘I may as well tell everyone together.’
Julia took one look at her daughter and said, ‘What’s wrong?’
Scarlett knew she’d ask. She was ever watchful for unhappiness in her daughter. Nine times out of ten she rang a false alarm, so it must feel good to be right when the law of averages swung in her favour.
‘Mum, Dad, Felicia – Rufus and I are on a break.’
That sounded ridiculous. Was it really a break in any case? More like a zero-hours contract at the moment: it had seemed like a good idea at the time, but it was just making her feel insecure. ‘We’ve had some issues lately.’ She held up her hand as everyone started to speak. ‘Which I don’t want to go into, if you don’t mind.’
‘Is it about having a baby?’ Julia asked.
Way to completely ignore what her daughter had just said.
‘It’s not.’
‘Yes, it is,’ Gemma objected. ‘I’m sorry, Scarlett, but isn’t that exactly what it’s about? I mean, what happened was the result of all that.’
‘Do you know what happened?’ Felicia asked.
Gemma’s nod was smug. She loved keeping secrets best when everyone knew she was doing it. ‘But Scarlett’s right. We don’t need to go into those details. What I want to know is: what are you going to do now? Is this really the end?’
Dad’s eyes darted worriedly between his daughters.
‘The end!’ Julia was on her feet. ‘What do you mean the end? How can it be? Have you talked? Are you speaking? Are you seeing each other or– have you moved out or something?’
It might sound like an interrogation by Scotland Yard, but that’s how they operated.
‘Rufus is staying at a hotel,’ she said, ‘because I asked him to. Something happened, and I’m not going into it, so don’t bother asking. I’m angry at him and yes, we talked earlier today, in fact, when he came over.’ She threw in that last part to make them feel better.
‘Gemma’s right, though. It’s about more than one thing that happened.’ She slumped into the squashy old sofa cushions. How many times she’d thrown herself down on them as a teenager. Those tantrums and glooms seemed so mild now. ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s been going on lately and the thing is, I know I do want children. I’ve known it for years. So what are we supposed to do now that Rufus can’t have them, when he won’t consider a sperm donor or adoption?’ She waited for tears, but none came. ‘I don’t see any way for us both to get what we want.’
In between all the confusion and humiliation of the past few weeks, her mind kept flitting back to another thought. Why were his needs more important than hers? Of course he needed her total support, and he’d had that. She knew how much the mere possibility of sterility hurt. But to find out for sure? It had been her worst fear, and now Rufus had to go through it. She’d done everything she could to help him, but at the end of the day she wasn’t responsible for his happiness. Her ego was no less fragile than his, her needs no less important. If they were equals in their marriage, then he was just as responsible for their future as she was.
From his point of view, that future didn’t include children.
From hers, it did.
‘What about your holiday?’ Dad asked. ‘Can you get your money back?’
Everyone was surprised by this rare spark of practicality. ‘I’ve cancelled it, Dad.’
That hadn’t been without tears. Her mind had kept flicking back to when they’d booked it together, imagining the long lazy days on the dive boat and warm breezy nights sipping cocktails under the stars. The holiday rep was really sympathetic as he explained their refund policy, which had just made her cry harder.
Her mum came to sit beside her on the sofa. ‘I don’t want to say this, darling girl, but I feel like I need to. If you can’t have children with Rufus and he won’t think about alternatives, then maybe it’s for the best that something happened to make him live at the hotel.’ She searched Scarlett’s face for offense. ‘If you really know you want children, then you should have children. It doesn’t have to be with Rufus.’
‘That’s great, Mum, thanks for the advice. I’ll just abandon him, shall I, when he’s already feeling like shite about himself?’ She might be able to attack him, but she’d be damned if she’d let anyone else do it.
‘Don’t be upset!’ Julia cried. ‘I’m only telling you that you’ve got options. You know how much I love Rufus. I want you two to stay together for the rest of your lives, but, darling, if he doesn’t change his mind, will you be happy changing yours about children?’
‘I only told you all so that you know, not to get advice. This really has to be for Rufus and me to work through ourselves, and we will. It will just take time. Thank you for caring, but I don’t want everyone’s opinions right now.’
She knew she sounded like they were a united front despite their differences. The best defence was a good offense.
Julia was clearly hurt by her words. ‘Well, you can talk to me whenever you want to.’
‘That goes for me too, obviously,’ Felicia said. She was just as supportive as Julia, but she’d always let her take the lead on the mother front when it came to Scarlett. They were the General and Lieutenant-General of her family’s emotional army.
But this was exactly why Scarlett had hesitated about saying anything to them. Now Rufus had a black mark against him. That’s how it worked with parents. Rufus’s mum still brought up the time Scarlett used all the hot water for her shower on Christmas morning four years ago. In-laws and elephants never forgot.
‘Julia has a boyfriend,’ William said, apropos of nothing. Although he might have been punishing her for upsetting their daughter. ‘Go on, Julia, tell them how old he is.’
He was definitely punishing her.
Scarlett was struck dumb. In the thirty-two years she’d known her mother, she hadn’t once so much as had a date. ‘Mum?’
‘That was not meant to be broadcast, William!’ she said. ‘You have no discretion whatsoever.’
Felicia shoved his arm. ‘You should learn to keep your mouth shut.’
‘Never mind that,’ Gemma said. ‘Who is this guy, Julia?’ She glanced at Scarlett, searching her face for a reaction.
‘Well, if you must know, he works at one of my publishers.’
They all waited for more. ‘And??’ Scarlett finally asked.
‘And nothing. We’ve been seeing each other. Don’t make a big deal of this, please.’
The penny dropped. ‘Oh my god, Mum. That’s why you wouldn’t let me in when I turned up after dinner that time. You had a man in the house!’ She recalled how distracted Julia had been. And the robe she was wearing. Euww.
‘How old is he, Julia?’ William prodded. He was enjoying this.
‘He’s thirty-five, all right?’ she said. ‘Are you happy now?’
‘Yes, thank you,’ said William. ‘I’m only giving you a hard time. I’m happy you’re dating the boy.’
‘Shut up, William.’
Dad shrugged. ‘There’s still life in the old bag yet.’
Gemma and Scarlett wasted no time
piecing together all the little clues they’d missed. ‘What really happened with your car?’ Scarlett asked.
‘Derrick parked in front of the garages round the corner and it got towed away. It was an accident.’
Scarlett blushed at the mention of the garages. It seemed she wasn’t the only one hanging round there. ‘So the insurance didn’t lapse?’
‘Well, I couldn’t very well say my boyfriend got it towed, could I?’ She smiled.
Mum’s boyfriend! That was going to take some getting used to. ‘You like him, then?’
‘Of course I do, Scarlett. I wouldn’t be with him otherwise.’
‘But I don’t understand why you haven’t mentioned him before.’
‘I’d just rather you not make a big deal of it, that’s all.’
‘Can we meet him?’ Gemma wanted to know.
‘He could come to dinner,’ said Jacob.
‘Hmm. I’ll think about it.’
In Mum-speak that meant No Way.
Chapter 30
Scarlett loved puppy graduation more than any other day in her work calendar, and not even her crumbling life dimmed the joy she felt watching her students cavort in the warm weekend grass. Nine had made it through the course and their humans couldn’t be prouder if they’d been the ones graduating.
But today was all about the dogs. ‘Milo,’ she called the first puppy forward. Milo tripped towards her on the biggest paws she’d ever seen in a beagle mix. His owner claimed he’d been sired by a spaniel, but Scarlett suspected Milo’s mother had had an affair with a Great Dane.
‘Congratulations,’ she said to Milo’s owner as she handed him the diploma. ‘And this is for Milo.’ She squatted to puppy level so she could rub his soft brown ears. ‘They’re special treats that I think he’ll love.’
As she called up each dog for their diploma and treats, she remembered how exciting it was when Fred and Ginger were pups. She’d talked about getting another dog after Oscar, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. How soon was too soon to replace a beloved pet? She knew she could never have another Labrador, as much as she loved the breed. It felt like stomping on Oscar’s memory.
Love is a Four-Legged Word: The romantic comedy about canines, conception and fresh starts Page 24