‘I know.’ She sighed. ‘When you said it was a lot of pressure I got scared. I didn’t want you to think it was too much pressure and decide it wasn’t worth trying to have a baby. So I told you not to think about it even though it was all I could think about. I still took the pregnancy tests each month and tried to figure out which days were best for having sex. Only I didn’t want you to know I was doing it.’ She shrugged. ‘But it didn’t matter. It still changed us. I think you think the problems started when we went to the GP, but it was long before that.’
‘I know.’
‘I felt like something changed and you didn’t want to be around me as much.’
‘That’s not true, Scarlett, I swear it wasn’t. I just didn’t want to keep disappointing you.’
They were both talking in the past tense now.
‘I’m not sure where we go from here, Rufus. No, that’s not true. I think I know. I just don’t want to admit it, but there’s nothing else to do. My feelings about wanting a family haven’t changed. If anything, I’m more sure. I’m also sure that I love you.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But maybe I love myself more, to even be thinking what I’m thinking. If I’m not honest with myself now about what I know I want, I’ll only be unhappy later. And I’d make you miserable, because then I would resent you. I have to be true to myself.’
There were tears in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this, Scarlett. I know it’s been really hard for you, but I didn’t know how to make it better. Clearly I wasn’t giving you what you wanted and the more I couldn’t do that, the harder it got between us. I don’t think either of us imagined it could come to this. I know I didn’t. Not between you and me.’ He wiped his eyes. ‘I thought we were so solid, you know? I was so positive about that. Tsch. And here I am living in a hotel having to stalk my wife in the park to get her to talk to me.’ He took a slim manila envelope from his bag. ‘This is for you.’
She didn’t take the envelope he offered. ‘What the hell, Rufus, are you handing me divorce papers? You didn’t waste any time. And you’re not the only one who’s not crazy about this whole situation, you know. Welcome to the real world.’
‘Just open it, please.’
She slid the pages out.
They weren’t divorce papers.
‘What does this mean?’ she whispered.
He dared to close the gap between them but he didn’t touch her. ‘It means I’m a total arsehole and I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting the past few months. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit that I couldn’t see… no, I didn’t see what it was doing to you.’ He sighed. ‘Ego is such a bastard. And this has been all about my ego. I couldn’t just see my infertility for what it is – a really shitty reality that loads of people deal with every day. Nooo. I had to make it a challenge to my manhood. Me: man. Sperm no work. Jesus Christ, what a twat I’ve been. And there you were, all those months when you thought it was your fault you weren’t getting pregnant. Not only did you go through all that on your own.’ His voice became thick. ‘But you didn’t make it all about you. It was about having a baby. But not me, no. One sperm test and I act like it means the end of mankind that I can’t father a child.’ He rubbed the stubble on his chin. ‘My behaviour’s been appalling, and I’m not even talking about my views on adoption yet. It takes a whole other apology to cover that.’
Scarlett struggled to take in what Rufus was saying. She was stuck on the apology. And coupled with the contents of that envelope… ‘What other apology?’ She was getting greedy.
‘I’ve got Shannon to thank for that,’ he said. ‘Not my arseholery, I mean my rethink. Did you know she’s adopted?’
‘No.’ She thought for a moment. ‘But why would I? I mean, it’s not really something that would come up in normal conversation, is it?’
Rufus sighed. ‘Apparently I’m the only person who thought it was. Once again…’ He put up his hand. ‘Arsehole for making assumptions when I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. This is starting to be a trend with me.’
Scarlett shook her head. ‘You’ve always talked out of your arse a bit.’ She risked a smile.
‘One thing the fertility tests did do, though, was make me see how much I really do want a child. Otherwise I wouldn’t have acted like the world fell apart. I thought it was because I wanted my own flesh and blood. But Shannon reminded me that love is love. How stupid that I didn’t realise it already when I know how much Felicia loves you. Love is love. I want a child with you. I want to have a family together, and raise a little girl or boy with all the love that you and I were raised with. God, I want that so badly. So what I’m asking is whether you’ll let me have a family with you?’ He pointed to the envelope. ‘We could look into adoption or sperm donors or whatever we need to do to have our child.’
She thumbed through the printouts and leaflets that Rufus had collected, reams of them, all about their options for having a family. ‘You’re willing to do this for me?’
‘No,’ said Rufus. ‘Not just for you. I’m doing it for us and for our family, because I want the same thing you do. I love you, Scarlett, and I’ll love our child just as much because he or she will be part of us. We’ll be parents.’
She didn’t say anything. She stepped into his arms and put her lips to his. As his arms closed around her she felt the warmth and love she’d been so afraid of losing. They were a family again. Maybe they’d end up a family of two. Who knew what the future would bring? But perhaps, just perhaps, one day they’d have a child of their own to love.
Rufus broke off their kiss. ‘Eavesdroppers.’ He tipped his chin at the other side of the green where Shannon and Josh were whooping and flailing their arms.
‘I don’t mind the audience,’ she said, waving at her best friend before puckering up again for her husband.
Chapter 36
There was no fanfare when Rufus moved back in. It didn’t seem right given the reason he left. It wasn’t like he was coming back from holidays or an extended business trip with chocolates from duty-free. He was coming back in from the cold.
The dogs acted like he’d been there all along. ‘You’ve got goldfish memories,’ she chastised them as they jumped straight on to the sofa when Rufus sat down. ‘Off the sofa.’
They ignored her. So nothing had changed.
But things had changed, hadn’t they? They’d been through the toughest trial of their relationship and, after an agony that Scarlett never wanted to feel again, had come out the other side. They were both so grateful for a second chance at their marriage that they’d forgive a lot.
Finally, they were a united front. That had really been their main problem all along, hadn’t it? Even before the tests, Scarlett wanted a baby more than Rufus did. It wasn’t till he found out he couldn’t have one that his want turned to need. Now they were on the same page again. Shannon wouldn’t have to be the other mummy, but she could still make a fantastic godmother. Besides, thought Scarlett, she’d probably be quite busy with her own relationship and maybe, one day, her own family.
‘I have another request,’ she said as she picked up Fred so she could sit beside Rufus. ‘Could we rebook the Australia trip? There must be last-minute deals. My puppy classes are finished and the last dog classes and Ruff Love sessions end in two weeks.’
Rufus smiled. ‘We’d better do it before we start a family.’
Scarlett’s heart soared hearing him say that.
‘Once we’ve got rug rats in tow, it’ll be crazy expensive to go anywhere. We’ll have to holiday in Blackpool.’
She shoved him sideways.
‘Ow, watch my chest. Shannon bruised it.’
He opened his laptop and together they found a Great Barrier Reef live-aboard dive holiday leaving in three weeks. They were on their way back to where it all began. Only they were more closely knitted together than ever.
The late afternoon traffic getting out of London after her dog classes made for a long drive to Max’s
vet. Charlie was already there when she walked into reception.
He checked his watch. ‘Are you sure he’s coming?’
‘The traffic was bad. Maybe he’s stuck.’
But they both knew Max might not turn up. He and Murphy could have run away together to let their balls enjoy the freedom they deserved. She’d been on the phone with Max quite a bit in the last week, finding a way around each of his excuses. In the circumstances she didn’t mind. She could be magnanimous about sterility now that she and Rufus had a plan. As soon as they returned from Oz, they’d make an appointment with a fertility clinic to find out more about sperm donation.
Even though Rufus had said he’d do anything necessary for them to have a family, she still felt the need to double-, triple- and quadruple-check that he meant it. It was all well and good saying so when you’re afraid your marriage is ending. She needed to be sure he felt the same way with the pressure off.
He did. He wanted to have a family with her, he’d patiently repeated, whether that meant adoption or donor sperm. She was finally starting to believe he meant it, though they still had a long road to travel. She knew she’d repeat herself.
Scarlett and Charlie both jumped up from the plastic seats that ringed the vet’s waiting room when Max and Murphy came through the door.
‘Alright, Scarlett? Sorry we’re late. Murphy was nervous.’
They looked at Murphy’s drooping ears and tucked-under tail and both rushed to pet him.
‘How are you doing?’ Scarlett asked. Max’s bloodshot eyes and unshaven face told her the answer.
‘About the same as Murphy, I guess,’ Max said. ‘I know he feels my nerves, but I can’t help it.’ He ran his hand through his hair, which already stood on end, and went to the desk to sign the consent forms.
The vet approached them then, looking too friendly to be a serial castrator. ‘How is everyone today?’ she asked, reaching down to fondle Murphy’s ears. His tail wagged tentatively from between his legs. ‘It’s a big day, eh, Murphy? We’re ready for you.’
‘Can I come in, too?’ Max blurted out. ‘I think he’d be more comfortable if I was there.’
She appraised him with kind eyes. ‘Of course, you can be there while we get him settled. We’ll give him something to make him nice and calm and to help with the pain, then the general anaesthesia that we talked about, and you’re welcome to stay for that. You’ll need to come out here, though, after that’s administered, since it’s a sterile procedure. It shouldn’t take more than thirty minutes or so.’ She turned to Charlie and Scarlett. ‘You’re Max’s friends? It’s nice that you’re here for him.’
Scarlett knew Max had been on the phone with the vet quite a bit, too.
‘Are we ready?’
Max looked anything but ready, but he followed the vet into the back with Murphy. If he had a tail, it would have been between his legs.
‘Poor Max,’ Charlie said.
‘I know. Shouldn’t it be Murphy we’re worried about?’
‘Honestly, I think Max needs our sympathy more,’ he said. ‘The vet said thirty minutes for the op. That’s not too bad. Maybe Max will want to go for a quick coffee when he comes out?’ He frowned. ‘No, probably not.’
She remembered feeling panicky when her dogs had been fixed. It didn’t matter that there was little risk with the procedure. Her mind tortured her with the worst outcomes anyway. Max would do well not to break down blubbering on the floor.
He looked shaken when he emerged from the back. ‘They’re putting him under now. He’s taking it pretty well, all things considered. He licked my hand when they gave him the shot.’ His eyes welled up. ‘He will be okay, won’t he?’
‘Of course he will! He’ll be finished in thirty minutes and it doesn’t take long for dogs to wake up from the anaesthesia. You’ll have him home in a few hours.’
They sat together on the plastic chairs staring at the exotic bird wall clock as owners and their pets came and went. It was a busy office, and a noisy one, which was some distraction from the ticking minutes.
‘How’re you doing?’ Charlie finally asked.
‘I’m going nuts here, mate. How much longer?’
Three and a half minutes since the last time he asked, Scarlett thought.
‘I can’t stop thinking that something’s wrong,’ he said. ‘What if he’s allergic to the drugs? Or he chokes or wakes up in the middle of the surgery, jumps off the table and hurts himself?’
‘What if a plane crashes into the building while the vet has the scalpel in his hand?’ she said.
Max’s eyes widened.
‘I’m joking, Max. What are the chances of any of that happening? Really, I know Murphy’s going to be fine.’ She looked pleadingly at Charlie for help.
He smiled. ‘I know something that might take your mind off things for a minute.’ He pulled a box from his pocket. ‘I just picked it up.’
‘Naomi’s engagement ring?’ Max practically clapped with glee. ‘Can I see it?’
The sparkling little diamond was set in yellow gold. ‘Now I just have to find the right time. Preferably when Hiccup isn’t around.’
‘She’s a lucky girl,’ Max said.
Scarlett smiled to herself, remembering when she was a lucky girl. She and Rufus had gone to the London Aquarium on a bank holiday. She did notice that he seemed quiet, but they’d been out the night before, so she assumed a hangover. ‘Come this way,’ he’d said, taking her hand into the underwater ocean tunnel.
Scarlett caught her breath. Rays, sharks and shoals of fish swam above and around them as they made their way deeper into the tunnel. ‘It’s just like our dive,’ she said. ‘Only dry.’
He smiled. ‘Exactly. Remember that turtle?’
Remember it?! That was when she realised that crying in a dive mask totally steamed it up. She’d stared into the turtle’s gentle brown eye and wished she could hold on to that feeling forever.
Rufus pointed overhead as the turtle glided past. ‘I wanted to come here–’ His eyes darted behind her as the raised voices of a large group of children got closer. ‘I wanted to come here because that was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And most of what made it incredible was being with you.’
The children flooded into the tunnel. Their voices ricocheted off the thick glass all around them. ‘Scarlett, that trip changed my life because I met you.’ He raised his voice further. ‘I can’t imagine being happier these past two years.’
She was having a hard time hearing him.
‘Aw fuck it,’ he shouted above the din as he dropped to one knee. ‘Will you marry me?’
The kids made woooo noises and kissy faces at them as they stood frozen in that moment. Scarlett was aware of one boy nudging the other and saying, ‘He’s proposin’, innit?’
‘Sucker,’ said the other.
‘Yes,’ Scarlett said.
The kids chorused their taunts. Scarlett couldn’t have cared less as she kissed her fiancé.
They all looked up when a ponytailed young woman wearing royal purple scrubs appeared at the vet’s door. ‘Murphy’s dad? You can go in now if you’d like. Murphy’s groggy, but he’s awake.’
Max bolted from the chair. ‘My friends can come, too?’
The nurse nodded. She was clearly used to nervous pet owners and despite probably being elbow-deep in Murphy’s genitals a little while earlier, she might just as easily have been relaxing in a coffee shop as dealing with ailing pets. Her freckled face and clear grey eyes exuded calm efficiency and her smile made Scarlett warm to her right away.
She led them into a large back room that smelled of antiseptic. Stainless steel cages lined one whole wall where dogs of all sizes were in various stages of recovery.
Murphy sat in one of the floor-level compartments with his head down. His curly-haired ears flopped forward as he stared at his nether region as if trying to work out what had just happened there. He gave a hoarse whine when he spotted Max.
�
�He sounds terrible!’
‘That’ll be from the anaesthesia,’ the nurse explained. ‘We use a tube down his throat to administer the drug during surgery. He’ll be disorientated, too, so try to keep him as calm as you can. He should be fine to go home in an hour or two.’
‘Hi, buddy,’ Max whispered. ‘Are you okay?’ He sat in front of his beloved pet.
Murphy couldn’t look more sorry for himself. His ears drooped as he squinted at Max, though the end of his tail thumped against the cage’s metal floor.
‘Is he in much pain?’ Max asked the nurse.
‘He might be starting to feel achy now that the anaesthetic is wearing off, but we’ve given him some pain relief. You’ll have tablets to give him at home.’ She reached over Max’s shoulder into the cage to stroke Murphy’s head as Max seemed to notice for the first time that quite a pretty woman was standing inches behind him.
‘As long as he’ll be all right,’ said Max. ‘If I have any questions, should I ring?’
‘Of course. The phone numbers are on Murphy’s paperwork. You can ring any time.’
His eyes flicked away from her face to glance at her name badge. ‘I hope you’re on hand, if we call. It’d be nice to talk to someone we know already, Rebecca.’
‘Well, I’m off tomorrow, actually.’
‘That’s a shame. He’s really comfortable with you, isn’t he?’ Murphy had indeed perked up a bit under Rebecca’s attention. They made a brazen double act. ‘I wonder if… no, never mind… It’s just that I’d feel uncomfortable talking to someone who doesn’t know Murphy.’
Rebecca smiled. ‘I know how you feel. I have two dogs of my own. I could give you my mobile number? That way you could ring if anything comes up.’
‘That’d be great, Rebecca, thanks.’ He put her number into his phone as Charlie and Scarlett tried not to make faces. Scarlett had seen less transparent window panes.
‘I’m sure he’ll be fine,’ Rebecca continued. ‘The procedure went well. Murphy’s been a very brave dog. And you,’ she said to Max, practically ruffling his hair, ‘have been a very brave owner. Well done to you both.’
Love is a Four-Legged Word: The romantic comedy about canines, conception and fresh starts Page 30