by Andrew Daddo
There on the bench was a stack of neatly folded, flesh-toned crepe paper underpants.
‘Nice,’ said Dad, holding a pair up. They were so thin that I thought I might be able to see through them. ‘Come on, mate. Kit off. Nothing ventured, nothing ventured, right?’ He hung his clothes on one of the pegs and sorted through the crepe paper jocks in his bog catchers. As bad as he looked, it wasn’t going to get any better once he’d done the full change. ‘Oh, God. I think it’s one size fits all. Maybe that’s why they’re crepe paper.’
‘I can’t see how that’d make any difference.’ I was almost down to my undies, too: boxers; not boggies like Dad’s.
‘So they’ll stretch.’ He slid his own duds off and pulled the crepe pair on. When they covered everything he pulled at the sides of them. It was amazing how far they went. ‘See?’
BRRPPP! Glonkstosh! Kaputchakaha! Glooop!
At first I thought Dad had done something in his new undies, but the noise was everywhere. It came from the walls and the floor and the roof, all at once. It was like we were inside the belly of a great big belching beast.
‘Mother of God!’ cried Dad. ‘What was that?’
‘It’s working, it’s working,’ squealed Lotus from the other room. She sounded as excited as a six-year-old before an Easter egg hunt.
‘Tell me that’s not a bodily function, Ash. Tell me she’s not on the toilet!’
‘Hurry, people, hurry! You have to see this!’
BRRRRPPP! Glonkstosh! Brrrrrp. Kaputchakaha!
‘She is kidding, right?’ Dad had his t-shirt on in a nanosecond and his pants up not much later. ‘We’ve got to get out of here, buddy!’ BRRRRRRPPP! Glonkstosh! ‘Before she craps on us!’
‘Okay, here we go,’ said Lotus.
Through the door we heard Mum. ‘Can I go first, Kyles?’ she begged.
‘Oh, der! As if I’ll even go second.’
First Mum squealed. Then Lotus. The next sound was a bit hard to figure out, and I don’t think it came from Kylie, because within seconds she was knocking on our change room door. I’m pretty sure she’d tried to push it open, but Dad and I had jammed it shut by wedging a chair under the doorknob the way they sometimes do in the movies. I couldn’t believe it actually worked. She banged again. ‘Quick! Open up. Open up.’ Dad cracked the door enough to let her get her head through it, but nothing more.
Kylie’s face had turned an all-new shade of beige: even the freckles on her top lip had lost their colour. Something big was going on. ‘Dad, Ash,’ she whispered. ‘I think I’ve just seen the weirdest thing in my life. I thought that whole “dib, dib, dib, dob, dob, dob” scouts thing was psycho. I thought anchovies on pizza were just plain off, but this is too much.’ She kept looking behind, as if a monster was following her, and her mouth had curled into a wicked smirk. I couldn’t tell if she was going to laugh or cry. She looked hysterical. ‘You’ve got to see this.’
‘Will it hurt?’ I said.
‘I don’t think so – unless you can get grossed out to death. Open up!’
Dad unjammed the door and we followed.
Gross, all right. And very weird.
A tap the size of a fire hose nozzle was spewing black, stinky mud into a bucket. Lotus didn’t even pretend to hide her excitement. She was jiggling up and down and clapping. When the bucket was three-quarters full, she shut the hose off. Kaputchakaha! ‘You’re not dressed? Hurry up! I’ve turned the furnace off. It’ll start to go cold.’
‘And that would be bad?’
‘We’re getting one of these at home,’ said Mum. She was lying on an army stretcher covered in what looked like a tarpaulin – the manky blue kind you see covering boats on trailers parked in the street – and there was an army blanket wrapped tightly round her. Lying there with her arms beside her she looked like a mummy, but when she moved from side to side there was this rolling fart noise. Pretty funny, for Mum. ‘You’re up next, Len. Get your gear off. This is great.’
There were three other stretchers next to Mum’s, all covered in blue tarp and waiting.
‘Twenty minutes, that’s all it takes. The mud is imported. It’s a peasant treatment from Estonia – the real deal, packed with minerals and salts and it makes you feel Baltic, darlink.’ Lotus put the bucket down. ‘Come on, who’s next?’
I shook my head. So did Kylie, and Dad. Mum sucked her teeth; Dad did, too. Then he stuck his fist out and said, ‘Odd one out goes next.’ I shook my head harder, but when Kylie put her fist out I knew I’d have to play.
We all chanted, ‘Scis-sors pay-per rock!’
‘Sucked in!’ Kylie and I both had rocks and Dad had scissors.
He closed his eyes, scrunched his face up in pain and dropped his pants. I couldn’t look at the crepe paper undies. Then he ripped his t-shirt off and lay down on the stretcher next to Mum. ‘You two ganged up on me. I’ll get you for this!’
‘Hands by our side,’ instructed Lotus and Dad did as he was told. She picked up the bucket of imported Russian sludge and tipped some onto his chest.
‘Hot! Hot!’ he yelped and hugged himself. She kept pouring the gunk all the way up to his neck, then headed south and ran out before she got to his knees. ‘Oh, my God,’ Dad cacked. ‘It’s dripping down my – ooooooooh! That’s not too bad.’
Lotus filled another bucket and worked it down to his feet and back, letting the final splodge settle in a mound on top of his hands. ‘Good, isn’t it!’ She wasn’t asking. Then she wrapped him up in an army blanket, just as she’d done with Mum. My dad was a mummy, too.
‘We’ll begin to feel it drawing the toxins out of our body,’ Lotus purred. ‘It’s the heat in the mud that does it; then the minerals work their way in. But it’s about extraction first. That’s why we heat the mud. Can we feel it working?’
Dad’s body shook out a farting noise under the tarp, it was just like Mum’s. ‘Well, something’s happening!’ He laughed.
‘Next?’ said Lotus, going back to the enormous, mud-spewing tap. I stuck my fist out for more scissors-paper-rock, but Kylie dropped her bathrobe in a pile on the floor and lay down on the third stretcher. The paper undies weren’t doing her any favours, either, but I was smart enough to keep that to myself. I watched as Lotus finished filling the bucket and then I went back to the change room to get into my own crepe paper.
Kylie was all wrapped up in a blanket by the time I’d changed and was settling into her new skin and giggling a bit at the noise it made. Mum and Dad were still. Dead still.
‘Ready?’ said Lotus. I wasn’t, but I nodded anyhow because whatever I said wouldn’t have mattered. The mud was coming either way. I tensed up like I did whenever old Snodgrass the relief teacher came near me in class.
Lotus leant in close and whispered, ‘Relax. It feels great.’ So I tried. She poured the gloop onto my chest first and it spread a warm glow across me like hot soup on a cold day. Up and down it oozed all over me, and the smell wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. ‘We feeling good?’ she said and wrapped me up tightly.
The others seemed to be asleep.
After a while I couldn’t move. I felt like I do in that dream I have sometimes, where I get into a bit of a fight but can’t throw a punch because I’m in a tub of jelly. It’s impossible to get my arms going, but the weirdest part of that dream is that I never actually get belted. Sometimes I fall over backwards and land with a thud. Once, I was pushed over sideways and woke up on the bedroom floor. But here in the warm mud, after a bit, I felt safe.
And then I started to feel hot.
I ran my tongue across my top lip and tasted salt from the drips of sweat that had formed there. I turned my head to one side to look at Kylie and felt a drip slide down my face and neck. I wanted to wipe it away, but I was stuck. I was wrapped up like some movie psycho in a straitjacket or a new baby.
It was getting hotter. I was buried alive in a lava flow.
‘Is anyone else hot?’ said Kylie. She was red and sweaty and wriggling abou
t.
‘I thought it was just me,’ I moaned and tried to move, but the blanket was too tight. All I managed to do was make more fart noises squirming about on the tarp. Mum and Dad did the same.
‘Is it supposed to get this hot in here?’ said Dad. ‘Because I am like, sweating, now.’ Even he couldn’t get out of his cocoon. ‘Is this a joke, do you think – leaving us here?’
Lotus swept back into the room with a string of high-pitched apologies, ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry!’ and made quick work of unwrapping us. ‘Sorry. You’re a bit hot, yeah? I was preparing the Ng Ng class. Almost forgot about you!’
‘Almost?’ sniffed Dad.
‘You’re a joker,’ she said. ‘Now we’ll find showers in the change room, and a hose – for those annoying bits of mud we can’t dislodge. If our undies haven’t fallen apart already, they will in the shower. We feel good, right?’
Now that I was free, I did. Kylie and I bolted for the showers, but Mum and Dad didn’t seem too fussed about covering up. It wasn’t as if there was much to see, anyway. They looked like mud people straight out of a National Geographic mag.
‘I think I’m even hungrier than I was before!’ Dad was in the next cubicle and shouting over the noise the hose made.
‘Is that possible?’ I yelled.
‘Not for long, Ash, old mate!’
When we waved Mum off to the Ng Ng class, she had a rubber mat rolled up under her arm and a towel over her shoulder. She looked as if she was going to a wave pool.
Dad, Kylie and I slid off to the staff quarters for a fry-up. It still didn’t feel right, but that didn’t stop my mouth watering before we’d even jumped over the plastic chain with the ‘STAFF ONLY’ sign. Kylie lagged again, but Dad talked her round.
‘There’s no one inside, I promise. They’re all off being well. Over there.’ He flicked his hand in the direction of the rambling house that was the wellness centre, as though he was trying to brush it away. ‘Look, honey.’ He bashed on the door and waited. Then he bashed again. Nothing. ‘Come on, you’ll be right. You, too, Ash.’
‘I’ll just keep watch out here. Remember what happened last time? You nearly got busted,’ I said.
‘Nah, don’t sweat. You’ve got to come in. You’ll love it.’
18
He was right, of course.
Dad walked in as if he owned the place, but I went through the front door behind him in a low crouch, as if I was a cop on the telly doing a bust, and Kylie copied.
We went past the kitchen, down a short hall and into a living room.
‘Hey – didn’t I tell you? Can you believe it?’
Kylie and I straightened up. The place was a mess, but that wasn’t the unbelievable bit, because anyone can have an off day. On the coffee table was an ashtray with dead butts, there was a beer can next to it and a pizza box on the floor. I kicked open the lid. Pepperoni. My tongue nearly slipped out of my mouth.
‘Who lives here?’ said Kylie.
‘One guess,’ scoffed Dad. ‘But I’ll give you a clue: she’s done a lot of deep inner work.’
‘Lotus?’
‘Bingo. This is where she does the wake-up messages and the good-nights, too. From what I can figure, the others all live off-site. What do you want for breakfast? You can have baked beans, if you like.’
‘No more beans,’ said Kylie. ‘Please!’
‘Isn’t this illegal?’ I said, following Dad out to the kitchen.
‘Not really.’ He started pulling things out of the fridge. Bacon, eggs, butter, tomato sauce, barbecue sauce.
‘It’s stealing, Dad.’
‘Hmm.’ He shrugged. ‘Not really.’ The frying pan hit the stove with a clang and he clicked the flame on.
‘"Not really” because we paid to come here?’ I said. ‘Or “not really” because we’re going to pay for it before we leave?’
The butter was melting in the pan and Dad had the rinds off the bacon and into it. I loved the way they went all crunchy. They were easily the best bits, like the fatty tails on lamb chops. Yum!
‘Well. It’s complicated. Not that complicated, but –’
Kylie was still in the lounge room. ‘Ash! TV – she’s got cable! The Simpsons is on!’
I left Dad to the cooking. It wasn’t as if he needed the help, anyway. And it wasn’t just a TV. It was a wall-mounted plasma – and massive. I wanted to sit right up close like I did at home, but this thing was too big. If I did that, I had to keep turning my head from side to side to see the whole screen, so I joined Kylie on the lounge and kicked back. There were speakers behind us, beside us and in front. I wanted to move in.
‘I didn’t realise how much I missed TV,’ Kylie said. ‘If this was one of those vibrating sofas, it’d be like living in a TV shop. This is the best!’
And once Dad cleared the junk away from the coffee table and brought our bacon and egg rolls to us, it really was the best. He had coffee; we had Coke that he’d found in the fridge. One episode of The Simpsons ended and another started straight after. The three of us sank into the cushions and vegged.
This was living.
I had no idea what Mum was doing at the Ng Ng class, but there was no way it could have been any more relaxing than this.
‘More Coke, guys?’ said Dad as he cleared the plates away. ‘I’m having another coffee, so –’
‘Thanks, yeah,’ I said, putting my feet up on the table. Kylie did, too and we smiled at each other.
I don’t know how long Lotus had been standing in the doorway, but it couldn’t have been that long, because Dad would have seen her before he went back to the kitchen for more coffee and Cokes.
I took my feet slowly off her coffee table. I nudged Kylie and she double-nudged me back. So I gave her a good one and nodded in Lotus’s direction. Kylie’s feet slid off the table as well. Lotus didn’t move. She stood there staring at us. Not smiling or scowling; just staring.
I was too scared to move.
Kylie switched off the TV.
‘What time’s Oprah on?’ yelled Dad from the kitchen. ‘I love that show. If they play the episodes out of order she can go from fat to skinny in a day!’
Lotus put her finger to her mouth and made the shhhhhhh face without a sound. We nodded.
There was a tray in the doorway with that big pink Lotus flower coffee cup and two more cans of Coke and Dad was behind it. Lotus stopped staring at us and switched to him. So we stared at him, too.
He didn’t speak, either. So now there were four of us not speaking. Dad swallowed whatever he was chewing.
And still no one moved.
‘Lotus,’ Dad said eventually.
‘Mr Limpid.’ No smiles. ‘Are we right? Did we find everything we were after?’ She pushed herself out of the doorway and into the living room. ‘Hello, kids.’ She stopped at the mantelpiece, pulled a cigarette from a packet and lit up.
‘Yes, thank you.’ Dad nodded. ‘But we’re out of bacon.’
‘Are we? Mmm, that’s bad.’ She blew the smoke out her nose, like a dragon.
Kylie and I stood up at the same time and backed towards the hallway that led out past the kitchen. I was ready to run, but Lotus stopped us with a look.
‘Are you going to call the cops?’ said Kylie.
‘Cops? Why? Even if it was illegal to smoke inside I probably wouldn’t dob on myself.’
‘I dunno. I thought the fact that we were drinking your Coke, eating your eggs and bacon and watching your TV might have made you a bit aggro.’
‘Serenity, now,’ she said, making a circle with her thumbs and forefingers.
‘Huh?’
‘Yeah, huh?’
‘Didn’t you tell them?’ Lotus looked at Dad and laughed. It seemed to wheeze out of her. Hack, hack, ah-hack! Dad shook his head. ‘But, why not?’
Dad shook his head again and she nodded. ‘Oh, God. You’re so male!’ Being male didn’t sound good. She really leant on it.
Dad took a long drink of his coffee. �
�Ahhhhhh! Not bad,’ he said, ‘for instant.’
‘Let me get this straight.’ Lotus crushed her smoke into the ashtray and looked from Dad to me to Kylie and back again. ‘Your dad carried on as if he was the tough guy, right? Sneaked in here, played the hero, made you food you “weren’t allowed to have” and carried on as if he was James Bond while he did it. Right?’
‘Kind of,’ I said.
‘What do you mean “kind of”?’ Lotus crossed her arms and propped her weight up against the mantelpiece.
‘He knocked first.’
‘Well, that was nice, Len. So you didn’t break in at all? You just walked? I thought you would have made yourself much more of a hero than that. I would have.’ She grinned.
‘I don’t get it,’ I said. ‘Are we in trouble, or not?’
Dad and Lotus looked at each other for a bit and started laughing.
‘Well, no. It’s fine.’ Lotus shook her head. ‘I said your dad could come in here and knock himself out.’
‘But why?’ said Kylie. The question came out as a moan. ‘Why would you let him come in here and eat fat food, when the rest of us are forced to eat rabbit food? Isn’t that the point of the Wellness Centre – to get well? How is Dad supposed to lose his muffin top if he’s eating the stuff that gave it to him in the first place? It doesn’t make sense. And why are you smoking?’
Lotus screwed her face into a prune. ‘We made a deal.’
19
I hurdled back over the plastic chain right where the sign hung. It wasn’t high, so it was pretty easy. Kylie followed without any problems. Dad made a big show of jumping at the highest point, right near the pole.
‘Back in my day –’ He grunted mid-flight, but didn’t jump high enough, got his foot caught and landed flat on his face. ‘Oooof!’ The wind flew out of him.
‘What did you do back in your day?’ I laughed.
‘In my day,’ he huffed, ‘we didn’t make fun of our parents. Help us up, will you?’ As he got back on his feet, he said, ‘So you guys are going to stick to the deal, right? You’re in it now. If your mother finds out about this, we all die.’