No Biz Like Showbiz

by Julie Moffett

  “You do aliens, too?”

  “No, that’s an entirely different angle.”

  “Found anything yet on the paranormal front?”

  He stabbed a meatball with his fork. “Not yet, but part of the fun is debunking everything with science.”

  “Actually, that does sound like fun.”

  “I assure you, it is.”

  “Don’t your clients mind if you can’t find a ghost or vampire hidden in their basement? It seems rather anticlimactic to explain it all away by science.”

  “Actually, most people are relieved when I am able to find a science-based reason for their fears.”

  “Cool.”

  “You’ll have to come by the office sometime. I’ll give you a tour.”

  “Hey, I’d like that.”

  Again the conversation stalled. I gulped my soda water and started to get a raging headache from all the work of conversing. I wanted desperately to be alone and out of my tight, sparkly dress. But I still had three more guys to go. Then I steeled my resolve and decided honesty would be the best approach.

  “Look, Truman, it’s abundantly clear you and I totally suck at this conversation stuff, so I’m just going to cut to the chase. Can you please tell me something personal about yourself so we can move on? Don’t tell me something overly personal—especially if it involves bodily functions or orifices—and don’t talk about your education or employment history. No technology. Just tell me something that I couldn’t read on your resume. Is that a clear enough guideline?”

  He crinkled his brow. “Something that wouldn’t be on my resume?”

  “Yeah. You know, something most people wouldn’t know about you, I guess.”

  “Okay, let me think.” He paused, considered. “Well, I don’t think most people know I eat Count Chocula for breakfast every morning. It’s been my favorite cereal since I was seven.” He paused and then brightened. “Oh, I also made out with a topless inflatable doll once.”

  I stood up so quickly; I hit the corner of the table with my leg. The champagne flutes toppled sideways and rolled off the table, smashing onto the flagstone. Truman caught the champagne and its bucket, but the remains of our dinner was splattered on top of the shattered glasses.

  Truman glanced at me alarmed. “Lexi, are you okay?”

  Other than the fact that I would never ever be able to get the image of him making out with a topless inflatable doll out of my mind, I was fine.

  “I, ah, have to go to the bathroom. I’m sorry, Truman.”

  Stone came running out to the patio in dry, freshly pressed slacks. Ace and Basia followed on his heels.

  “What happened?” Stone stayed two steps away from me. “Does anyone need a doctor?”

  I shook my head. “No one needs a doctor. I just need to visit the ladies’ room. I knocked into the table when I stood up, and a couple of things rolled off and the hit the ground. No biggie.”

  I think Stone was actually disappointed I hadn’t speared Truman or knocked him over the head with the champagne bottle. He waved his hand at the cameramen. “Take ten while we clean up this mess. What a klutz.”

  I glared at Stone as I ran past him and headed for the bathroom. Basia chased after me. She caught up and linked arms with me. “Lexi, are you okay?”

  I stopped and fumed. “No, Basia, I am not okay. This is a nightmare. A nightmare of my own making. All I want to do is catch a hacker. Instead, I’m roped into conversation with people whose communication skills are on par or worse than mine. Even worse, I have to do it front of millions of people who are going to be laughing their heads off at our idiocy. It’s a nightmare compounded by a nightmare. I better catch this hacker and soon.”

  “You will.”

  “I have to because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

  “It’s okay. Inhale a deep breath. Settle down. Take your time in the bathroom. I’m going to talk to Ace about a better way to approach this situation.”

  “Fine.” I slammed the door shut, turned off my mic, and sat on top of the closed toilet. Putting my head between my knees, I took deep breaths. When I finally was able to collect myself, I used the facilities and washed my hands. I hadn’t taken two steps out of the bathroom when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me down a hallway.

  “Ray?”

  “Is your mic off?”

  I looked down at the mic clipped to my dress. “Yes. I turned it off in the bathroom and haven’t flipped it back on yet. What’s wrong?”

  His normally coffee-colored skin looked unusually pale. “I need to tell you something.” He exhaled. “Look, I’m not who you think I am.”

  “Okay, who are you?”

  “I’m a fraud.”

  “A fraud?”

  “Yes. I’m not really here to win the heart of a girl, geek or otherwise. I’m also not here to figure out how to get it on with a girl.”

  “Can I admit that this doesn’t surprise me? You seemed light years ahead of us in intuition.”

  He smiled. “I figured you’d be on to me.”

  “So, go ahead and tell me. Why are you here in a fraudulent manner?”

  He pressed his hand to his forehead. “I’m a software engineer. That’s true. But I already have a girlfriend and we want to get married someday. My thing is...well, I have this dream. Tanya, that’s my girl, she told me to chase it while I’m still young.”

  “What dream?”

  “I play the guitar and sing. I may be good at math, but I want to be a songwriter and singer. I thought if I came on this show, I’d have a chance to play for Lucy. I hoped I’d get noticed and maybe even get offered a recording contract or something. In hindsight, it was a really stupid idea. What the hell was I thinking? To make matters worse, Lucy was a royal pain in the ass, and wasn’t remotely interested in my singing abilities. She ridiculed me while at the same time trying to stick her tongue down my throat. It was pretty awful. Add to that, the producers cut both times I actually sang for her. It’s all been quite the epic failure.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Anyway, I like you, Lexi. I don’t want to deceive you. Plus, I miss Tanya. This was sheer lunacy. I’m really sorry. I’m telling you this because I’d appreciate it if you’d choose me to leave. I could act like a prick to make you and the audience hate me so it is easy for you to get rid of me, but that’s not my style. If you could just pick me to go home instead of one of the other guys, I’d appreciate it. I’ve actually gotten to know them, and they’re good kids. They are the real deal and came on this show to get some solid advice and some interaction practice. It took a lot of courage for them to do it, and it sucks the way they’ve been manipulated. The way we’ve all been handled.”

  “Agreed.” I considered for a moment. “Although I really do like you...in a friendly way, I mean. Anyway, I’ll do what I can.”

  “I appreciate it, Lexi. I have no doubt you’ll make some guy very happy someday.”

  “That’s highly doubtful, but trust me, it’s the least of my problems right now.”

  To my surprise, he laughed and gave me a peck on the cheek before disappearing down the stairs. I leaned back against the wall and tried to get my thoughts in order.

  Before I could make any headway, I saw Basia coming up the stairs. “Lexi, are you okay? Why are you standing in the hallway?”

  “I’m hiding.”

  She pulled on my arm. “Look, don’t worry about it. I’ve talked to Ace and he’s promised to calm down. You can talk about whatever you want, however you want, and the producers will have to figure out what to do with it.”

  “They can’t frankenbite anything. I had it put in the contract.”

  “Good. They’re professionals. They’ll figure it out. Talk about what you want. I promise. Just b
e who you are.”

  “The person I am wants to go home and crawl under the covers. But I’m going to catch that hacker. In order to do that, I have to survive talking with three more guys on national television.”

  “You can do it. Remember the end game. We’re all rooting for you.”

  I closed my eyes. “Okay, I can do this. Do you know who is up next?”

  “Eldrick, I believe. You asked me to come here to help you, so I will. Ask him to tell you why he thinks he has trouble communicating with girls. Ask him what’s his favorite movie and why. Those two questions should be enough for him and then move on to the next guy. If it’s not enough, talk geek to your heart’s content and screw the producers.”

  I hugged her. “Now I remember why you’re my best friend.”

  She gave me a squeeze. “And don’t you forget it.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  We headed downstairs and back out to the patio. The glass had been swept away and the tablecloth refreshed. The champagne bucket and bottle remained in the middle of the table, as did the candle and two new flutes. I felt like popping the cork and guzzling the champagne for the buzz, but I already had a headache and I supposed I had to maintain some measure of decorum.

  I turned my microphone back on as the cameramen hefted their cameras. Stone, with his annoyingly fake smile, led Eldrick to the table.

  Stone patted Eldrick on the shoulder. “Good luck, and have fun, kids.” His laughter trailed after him.

  Eldrick waited until he was out of earshot. “Condescending jerk.”

  I chuckled. “He’s going to hear that. National television and all, remember?”

  “They won’t play it. He’s a favorite son. Trust me, it will be the first thing Cartwright cuts.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  Eldrick picked up the champagne bottle. “It’s full. Didn’t you drink it with Truman?”

  “No. We got to talking and never got around to it.”

  “Truman actually talked?”

  “Well, sort of.”

  “Good for him, but bad for me. That’s a lot of pressure for me to follow up.”

  “Don’t worry. You’ll do fine. Trust me on that.”

  He sighed. “If you say so. Do you want some champagne?”

  “Actually, yes. I could really use a drink.”

  He grabbed the bottle. “Got a corkscrew?”

  The bartender magically appeared. “Let me assist you with that, sir.”

  Eldrick looked at little startled at his sudden appearance, but handed over the bottle. “Thanks.”

  The waiter uncorked the bottle, poured the champagne in our glasses and then disappeared.

  Eldrick picked up his glass. “Is it just me or was that a bit creepy the way he just materialized.”

  “Kind of reminds me of Alfred Pennyworth.”

  “Ah, Batman’s butler. He seemed show up whenever Batman needed him, whether he was summoned or not.”

  He lifted his glass. “Well, how about we have a toast?”

  “To Batman?”

  He smiled. “No. How about a genuine conversation regardless of who is listening?”

  “If you believe that is a feasible goal then I’m in.”

  I lifted my glass and we clinked them together. I took a sip and the bubbles tickled my nose.

  “You know, Eldrick, the idea of a genuine conversation begs the question, why exactly did you come on this show? Was it really to get some?”

  He set his glass down. “Technically, yes. I didn’t mind sex being the end prize, or even a side prize, if it were to happen.”

  “Really? I mean it all seems rather ridiculous. You didn’t even know Lucy and you thought you might actually sleep with her?”

  “Why not? It happens all the times on these reality shows.”

  I took another sip of my champagne. “Another reason why I am so glad I don’t watch much television.”

  “I’m with you on that. Look, the truth is I make enough money that hiring hookers on a regular basis wouldn’t be a problem if it were just for sex.” He sighed. “Although I am a bit of a germaphobe. Still, I thought Lucy was really going to be a real girl. You know, genuine. It seemed like a good idea at the time, which sounds really stupid right now.”

  I nodded with sympathy. “Some things are better visualized than actually put into practice.”

  “True, but I really wanted to figure out how to meet and talk to a woman in a way she’d appreciate. My problem is finding a woman that I can like and respect. For me women are like internet domains. The ones I want are already taken.”

  I had no idea of the appropriate response to that, so I took a large gulp of champagne and started to feel a bit light-headed. Thankfully, Eldrick didn’t take offense to my silence and instead continued talking.

  “You know, I can understand how a woman might not want to get sucked into the nerd-o-sphere which dominates my life. But I can be interesting on occasion. I hope. What do you think?”

  He looked at me. I wasn’t sure how to answer that, so I glanced over at Basia and Ace. Basia had grabbed the dry-erase board and had written Ask him what he wants in a girl.

  “Uh, I think...I think...I want to know what exactly you are looking for in a girl.”

  He blinked in surprise. “You mean other than sex and relatively intelligent conversation?”

  Unsure, I glanced over at Basia, who was nodding furiously. “Um. Yes. Yes, that’s what I want to know.”

  He rolled the cloth napkin into something resembling a light saber. He held it up and looked through it at me like a telescope. “You know, that’s actually a good question.”

  I threw Basia an appreciative glance. “Ah, thanks.”

  “So, what do I want in a woman? Well, I want a lady who can appreciate me for who I am. I don’t want her to try to change me or fix me. She should love me as I am for all my quirks and oddities.”

  “That seems fair.”

  “Of course, it’s fair. I mean she shouldn’t care if I alphabetize my pantry, have a foot fetish, or wear my underwear in the shower. It’s all about who we are on the inside.”

  I stared at him. “Ah...”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Right?”

  I stood up. “I have to go to the bathroom again.”

  Cartwright stormed onto the set, pulling off his headset. “Oh, for Christ’s sake. The conversation was just getting interesting. Do you have the smallest bladder on the planet?”

  I brushed past him. “I’m not discussing my bladder with you.”

  The cameramen, laughing, dropped into patio chairs. Basia once again linked arms with me on the way to the bathroom.

  She patted my arm. “Lexi, calm down. I know you don’t have to go to the bathroom.”

  “You want to discuss my bladder, too?”

  “You’re going to hide.”

  “Of course, I’m going to hide. Are you paying attention to what’s going on out there?”

  “You’re doing great.”

  I stopped, unhooked my arm. “No, I’m not. I can’t do it anymore. I really can’t. Not even to catch the hacker. I’m ready to throw in the towel. I surrender. He wins.”

  “Stop. You don’t mean that.”

  “I do mean it. Eldrick wears his freaking underwear in the shower. Truman makes out with topless dolls. How much more am I supposed to make them reveal? Cartwright knows how badly we suck at this, which is exactly why he is forcing us into doing it.”

  Basia put her hands on her hips. “Yes, they’re manipulating you. But let me tell you something, Lexi. Watching really smart people muck up something that comes easily to most of us is entertaining. No one wants to watch perfect people interact perfectly with each other. We want to b
e able to relate to you, to understand you. People with flaws are real and genuine—and hey, guess what? Smart people have problems just like we do. But it doesn’t mean we’re laughing at you. We are actually pulling for you and the guys to get it right. To find love. To figure it all out.”

  “It’s ridiculous.”

  “Of course, it’s ridiculous. It’s Hollywood, so it must be dramatic, exaggerated and over the top. Lots of geeks have perfectly fine social skills. Cartwright’s team picked the most extreme guys on the planet on purpose. The show operates with a specific allotted amount of time and a small window of opportunity. Cartwright has to keep the interactions short, sweet, and exaggerated in order to fill the time slot. The guys knew that when they signed up. Despite their social shortcomings, they aren’t stupid. Keep in mind that this show serves a different purpose for every person who watches or is involved in it. Cartwright and the studio need to make money, the guys want some practice and instruction on interaction with girls, and the television audience wants to be amused and entertained for a short period of time. You have the most unique purpose here, which is to catch a hacker. The show has to continue in order for you to do that. Remember, you have only to play along for as long as it takes to catch the hacker. Then it’s over. You’ll have your hacker, the audience will have had its break from the grind of daily life, the studio will have its money, and your new friends will have had the distinct pleasure of interacting with a woman who is as genuine as they are.”

  “You sound like you’re defending the show.”

  “I’m putting it in perspective. No one’s life is at stake here. It’s entertainment.”

  “It’s perpetuating a stereotype.”

  “Yes and no. Yes, because this is actually a popular perception of geeks today, despite the obvious exaggeration. No, because at the same time, it also creates a newfound sympathy and understanding of the difficult and painful challenges people like you experience in social situations. It makes what you have to endure in order to form and maintain relationships authentic and real. It thereby fosters a climate of improved acceptance and tolerance, whereas before people might have just considered it rude and annoying behavior.”