“Possibly. Why do you ask?”
Lance Chalfont pointed out the front window. “Up there! Don’t that look like a bunch of swoopin’ birds?”
Max and 99 looked.
“It’s them!” Max cried.
“Bail out!” Lance Chalfont screamed. “Quick, hit the silk!”
“They’re diving on us!” 99 shouted.
“That’s funny,” Max mused. “They’re not getting any larger. Wouldn’t you think that—”
“False alarm,” Lance Chalfont broke in. “It’s nothin’ but a bunch of swoopin’ birds.”
The birds swooped by.
Max looked around the plane. “What do we have to defend ourselves with?” he said.
“Look in that tin box back there,” Lance Chalfont said. “You’ll find a jar of bread crumbs.”
“Bread crumbs?”
“Best defense there is against swoopin’ birds,” Lance Chalfont replied. “They leave the plane alone and go after the bread crumbs.”
“I had in mind defending ourselves against the KAOS interceptors,” Max explained.
“In a case like that, you dump out the bread crumbs and throw the jar,” Lance Chalfont replied.
“Max,” 99 said, “maybe there’s something in the black bag that we can use. Surely, R & D sent along some sort of a weapon.”
“I think I’ll check the black bag,” Max replied. “It’s just possible that R & D sent along some sort of a weapon.”
“Good thinking, Max.”
Max opened the black bag. The first item he took from it looked like a cigarette holder.
“That’s odd,” Max said.
“What, Max?”
“This cigarette holder has a trigger on it. Oh . . . here, I see. Actually, it’s a 20 mm. cannon.”
“It isn’t big enough to be a 20 mm. cannon, Max.”
“It’s a miniature 20 mm. cannon.”
“Oh. That makes sense.”
“This is the answer,” Max said. “When those KAOS interceptors show up, we’ll knock them right out of the sky with this 20 mm. cannon.”
“Is it loaded, Max?”
“If it’s loaded,” Max added.
“You better try it just to make sure,” 99 said.
“I’ll try it just to make sure,” Max nodded, pointing the cigarette holder out the open doorway. He pulled the trigger.
Just as Max fired the cannon, Lance Chalfont turned in his seat to watch. But he forgot to loosen his grip on the steering mechanism. Consequently, the helicopter tipped on its side, and the cannon shell shot straight up into the air.
“I see it!” 99 cried, looking up.
“Up, up, up!” Max commented approvingly.
“Yup,” Lance Chalfont said. “And now it’s spent and it’s turnin’ around and comin’ down, down, down.”
“That proves that the cannon is loaded,” Max said. “We’re all set to meet those KAOS interceptors.”
At that instant there was a crashing sound.
“Was that anything we should worry about?” Max asked Lance Chalfont.
“I guess a little frettin’ wouldn’t do no harm,” Lance Chalfont replied. “That cannon shell just passed through our gas tank.” He pointed. “If you look at it from just the right angle, you can see the gasoline pourin’ out of the tank.”
Max looked. “Ummmm, yes. That is interesting—considering that this is an atom-powered helicopter. Lucky for us it’s nothing to worry about.”
“I guess it just wouldn’t do no harm to worry a little bit, too, on top of the frettin’,” Lance Chalfont said. “When all that gasoline runs out, the engine is gonna stop. And when the engine stops, we’re gonna fall right out of the sky.”
Max looked at him puzzledly. “But this is an atom-powered helicopter,” he said.
“What do you think them atoms run on, man? Gasoline!”
“Hadn’t we better land?” 99 said.
“I’ll look in the manual,” Lance Chalfont replied, reaching for a booklet that was hanging by a string to one of the control knobs. “It don’t do to panic in a situation like this. The thing to do is check the manual. It says so right in the manual.”
The engine began sputtering, and the helicopter began gradually descending.
Calmly, Lance Chalfont paged through the manual.
“Hurry!” 99 urged.
“I’m not sure what to look it up under,” Lance Chalfont replied. “I can’t find no heading for ‘What to do when somebody fires a 20 mm. cannon out the doorway and the shell goes up instead of out and then comes down and blasts a hole right through the gas tank.’ ”
“Look under ‘W’ for ‘What’,” Max suggested.
“Oh, yeah, here it is!”
“What does it say!” 99 cried.
“It says, ‘Land!’ ”
At that instant, the helicopter bumped to a spine-jarring landing.
“Lucky we had the manual,” Lance Chalfont smiled. “Otherwise, we’d’ve never made it.”
Max looked out the doorway. “Apparently we landed in a jungle,” he said. “That means that we’re miles and miles from civilization. It also means that we will be unable to repair the helicopter and complete our mission. In other words, we have failed. Control is doomed!”
“Look on the bright side,” Lance Chalfont said. “The bread crumbs wasn’t harmed. We won’t have to worry about no swoopin’ birds.”
Max stared gloomily at the thick foliage surrounding the plane. “Lost in the vast wastes of Nowhere!” he groaned.
99 cocked her head. “Max . . . don’t I hear voices?”
Max listened. “As a matter of fact . . .”
At that moment, an African stepped out of the jungle. He was accompanied by a woman and three small children. They were dressed in casual wear.
“Saved!” 99 cried.
“Hold on there,” Lance Chalfont said. “These may be some of them six-foot pygmies. Better let me handle this. I got experience.” He stepped from the helicopter and approached the Africans. “We tumble out sky in great silver bird,” he said. “You savvy?”
The woman and the children looked at the helicopter curiously. And the man addressed Lance Chalfont. “Are you talking about that red helicopter?” he asked.
“Rightum. Red helicopter, great silver bird. What place this?”
“You’re in luck,” the man replied. “You landed in Burundi National Park. Did your engine conk out?”
“Great silver bird lose-um gasoline,” Lance Chalfont replied.
The man looked puzzled. “Really? Isn’t that one of the new atom-powered models?”
“What-um you think-um atoms run on? Gasoline!”
“Well, I have an extra container of gasoline in my car,” the man said. “You may have it.”
At that moment, Max stepped forward. “We appreciate that,” he said. “But we also have another problem. Our gas tank has two holes in it.”
The man looked past him at the helicopter. “20 mm. shells?” he guessed.
“Exactly,” Max replied. “Now, if we—”
“Hold on there,” Lance Chalfont broke in. “You can’t get nowhere talkin’ to this native like that,” he said to Max. “You got to speak the lingo. Let me handle it.” He addressed the man again. “Is these pygmies safe to have around-um?” he said, indicating the children. “The last time I come up against a bunch-um of pygmies they durn near done me in-um.”
“These are the children,” the man explained. “My wife and I are taking them on a picnic.”
Lance Chalfont turned to Max. “Hear that? Picnic. Food. We’re up against a bunch of cannibals, fella. You run back to the plane and get the bread crumbs. Bread crumbs’ll distract a cannibal almost as quick as a swoopin’ bird.”
“You go get the bread crumbs,” Max said. “I’ll stay here and try to find out if there’s a helicopter repair shop anywhere near by.”
“Be right back!” Lance Chalfont said, dashing toward the plane.
&nbs
p; “No, there isn’t a helicopter repair shop near by,” the man said to Max as Lance Chalfont departed. “But I have a suggestion. You might plug those holes with coconuts. Naturally, it would be only a temporary solution, but, at least, it would get you back to civilization.”
“How far is civilization from here?” Max asked.
“Oh, about a mile and a half. It starts just outside the park.”
Lance Chalfont came rushing back. “I got the bread crumbs,” he said. “You still in one piece?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Max asked.
“I thought maybe you might’ve offered to shake hands and that fella bit it off.” He held up the jar of bread crumbs. “Don’t that look yummy?” he said to the children.
Shyly, they drew back.
“Thank you, anyway,” the woman said to Lance Chalfont. “But I don’t want them to spoil their lunch.”
“Take cover!” Lance Chalfont cried. “They got us on the menu!” He raced back toward the plane.
“He panics easily,” Max explained to the man.
“I think-um him a little bit off-um his nut,” the man smiled.
“And speaking of nuts,” Max said, “where would I find a coco?”
The man led Max into the jungle and showed him a coconut tree. There were coconuts on the ground, and Max selected two and carried them back to the plane.
Just as Max was completing the job of plugging up the holes in the tank, the man reappeared, carrying an emergency can of gasoline. He emptied it into the tank.
“Good—no leakage,” Max smiled. He thanked the man for helping him, then got back aboard the helicopter.
“It’s a ghost!” Lance Chalfont shrieked, hiding his head in the tin box that had once held the jar of bread crumbs.
“He thinks you were eaten by the cannibals, Max,” 99 explained.
“I’m not a ghost,” Max assured Lance Chalfont. “But I will be if those KAOS interceptors find us sitting here on the ground, defenseless. Let’s get out of here.”
Lance Chalfont straightened up. “How’d you get away from them cannibals?” he asked.
“I simply asked them to help us.”
“That’s kind of hard to believe,” Lance Chalfont replied.
“Would you believe that the cannibal chief was carrying an emergency can of gasoline in his car and that he gave it to us?”
“That’s far-fetched as all get out.”
“Would you believe, then, that I plugged up the holes in the tank with coconuts?”
“I’d believe it if you told me the whole terrible experience has affected your mind,” Lance Chalfont replied.
“All right then, believe that,” Max said. “And have pity on me and get back at the controls and fly this helicopter out of here.”
“I guess that’d be the kind thing to do,” Lance Chalfont agreed.
He settled in the pilot’s seat, started the engine, and took off.
As the helicopter rose, Lance Chalfont smiled, impressed. “Ain’t it a marvel what kindness will do?” he said. “It’s flyin’ this helicopter just like it had gas in it.”
“It’s better than that,” Max said. “It also plugged up the holes with coconuts.”
“Sakes alive!” Lance Chalfont said in wonder.
A few hours later, Lance Chalfont pointed out the front window and cried, “Thar she blows!”
“Where?” Max said.
“Right down there! A whale! See it!”
“Oh, yes,” Max replied. “But we’re looking for Minnesota. I don’t think you’ll find it in the middle of the ocean.”
“Is that the ocean?” Lance Chalfont said, disappointed. “I thought that was one of the Great Lakes.”
“How could you make a mistake like that?”
“It’s full of water,” Lance Chalfont replied. “That’s what I go by.”
“Then keep going,” Max said. “You’ll know Minnesota when you get to it. It’s the second state over from the state that looks like a poodle sitting up on its hind legs and begging.”
“Oh, that one!”
“Max,” 99 said, “when we reach the KAOS Old Agents Home do you have any plan for getting inside?”
“Not as yet,” Max replied. “But something will occur to me. Let’s take a look at the fact sheet. ”
99 got a sheaf of papers from the black bag and handed it to him. “We’re probably a little young to pose as old agents,” she said.
“Yes . . . unless we could convince them that we’re in our second childhood.”
“I knew a fella once that was in his second childhood,” Lance Chalfont said. “He was 99 years old. But he had everybody believin’ that he was only 66.”
“How did he do it?” Max asked.
“He stood on his head.”
“Pardon?”
“Stood on his head,” Lance Chalfont replied. “You turn 99 upside down, and it looks like 66.”
“I see,” Max nodded, turning his attention back to the fact sheet.
“I got a lot of stories like that,” Lance Chalfont said. “Ever hear about the fella who was 66 years old and wanted folks to think he was older? Know what he did?”
“Stood on his head?”
Lance Chalfont turned to Max, surprised. “You knew that fella, too, eh?”
“Will you excuse us, please?” Max said. “We want to study the fact sheet.
“Max! Look!” 99 said, peering over Max’s shoulder. “On the fact sheet it says that the KAOS Old Agents Home isn’t really an old agents home. It’s a cover for KAOS’s Secret Medical Experiments Hospital.”
“Hmmmm,” Max hmmmmed, interested. “Unless I miss my guess, it’s where KAOS conducts its secret medical experiments. That’s quite a coincidence. As you know, 99, Control’s Old Agents Home isn’t an old agents home either. It’s where Control conducts its secret medical experiments.”
“I know, Max.”
“You know what, 99?”
“That Control’s Old Agents Home isn’t really—”
“Thar she blows!” Lance Chalfont called out, interrupting.
“What this time?” Max asked.
“That state that looks like a poodle,” Lance Chalfont replied. “We’ll be over Minniehaha any minute now.”
“You mean we’ll be over Minnesota any minnie now,” Max corrected.
9.
“THE QUESTION now is how to get inside,” Max said, as the helicopter hovered over the complex of buildings that was supposed to be KAOS’s Old Agents Home, but which was really its hospital for conducting scientific medical experiments.
“Max, I think I have an idea,” 99 said. “Why don’t we pose as salesmen?”
Max shook his head. “That couldn’t possibly work, 99.”
“Why not, Max?”
“Because you’re a woman. How could you pose as a salesman? No one would ever believe it.”
“Then how about this, Max? You could pose as a salesman, and I could pose as a saleswoman.”
Max thought a moment. “That’s closer to the mark, 99,” he said. “But it still wouldn’t work. What would a hospital want with a set of Junior Encyclopedias?”
“Max, salesmen sell other things besides encyclopedias. We could pose as salesmen for a drug manufacturer. In fact, we could say that our explosives are really wonder pills, and that we’re giving away free samples. That way, we could get the explosives planted in the hospital.”
Max shook his head. “I don’t like it, 99.”
“Why not, Max?” 99 asked, disappointed.
“Because it’s a brilliant idea, that’s why. And I’m the senior agent, and I’m supposed to think up the brilliant ideas.”
“Max,” 99 smiled, “it’s really your idea. I put it together from things you said. For instance, when you said ‘encyclopedia,’ that made me think of wonder pill.”
“I don’t quite get the connection, 99.”
“Well, who knows what a wonder pill is? And, if there’s something you don’t kno
w, where do you go to look it up?”
“Encyclopedia.”
“Right, Max. See? It’s all your idea, not mine.”
“And a brilliant idea it is, too—even if I did think of it,” Max said. He turned to Lance Chalfont. “Land us on that road that leads to the hospital,” he said. “We’ll approach it on foot.”
“On feet, you mean,” Lance Chalfont said. “You go approachin’ that hospital on one foot, the both of you, and they’ll toss you straight into a padded cell.”
“All right, have it your way, we’ll approach it on feet. But land, so we can get started. There’s no time to waste.”
Lance Chalfont landed the plane on the road, and Max and 99 got out, with Max carrying the black satchel.
“Wait right here,” Max said. “This won’t take long. Since we’ll be posing as salesmen, I’m sure they’ll be anxious to take our free samples and get rid of us. No one likes to have a salesman hanging around. Especially not after they’ve loaded up on free samples. They keep expecting to be asked to buy something.”
“Suppose somebody comes along?” Lance Chalfont said. “Won’t it look a little funny, a helicopter sittin’ right here in the middle of the road?”
“Tell them you’re out of gas,” Max suggested.
“An atom-powered helicopter? Who ever heard of an atom-powered helicopter runnin’ on gas?”
“Then tell them you’re out of atoms,” Max said. He turned to 99. “Are you ready, 99?”
“Ready, Max. Is your foot ready?”
“My foot?”
“To put in the door, Max. A salesman always puts his foot in the door.”
“Well, all right, if that’s how it’s done. I just hope I don’t break my telephone. The Operator would be furious.”
Max and 99 walked up the road. A few minutes later, they reached the gate. The sentry snapped to attention.
“Good afternoon,” Max smiled. “We’re—”
“I know who you are, Doctor,” the sentry replied. He stepped aside so that they could pass. “The welcoming committee is waiting to welcome you,” he replied.
“I don’t think you understand,” Max said. “We—”
“Here comes the welcoming committee now,” the sentry interrupted.
Max and 99 looked toward the hospital building and saw a group of doctors approaching.
Get Smart 4 - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets Page 10