Now he squeezed her hand, his eyes bright and happy. Those blue eyes that made her a little stupid.
“It is completely amazing,” he told her with a nod. “There’s something I haven’t told you, either.”
Her stomach knotted at that. Oh, boy. Here they went. Personal stuff..
“Gabe, I—”
“I have a son. Cooper. He’s five, too.”
Addison heard the words. They weren’t complicated words. Not overly long or hard to pronounce. And he’d put them together in simple, short sentences. But for several long seconds, she couldn’t make them make sense.
But when she did, she felt her eyes widen and her heart thump, and she definitely pulled her hand back.
“What?”
He nodded again. “I’m a dad.”
Well, holy-complicate-everything. She frowned. “But you . . .” Okay, she’d been about to say, “You never said anything about having a kid,” and realized that was maybe the stupidest thing she could have come up with. She had been the one to first decide that they shouldn’t get too personal in their conversations. He’d gone along with it readily, she noted, but yeah, that had been her idea. And she hadn’t said boo about Stella. “You don’t even have juice boxes in your fridge,” she finally said weakly.
Keeping Stella from Gabe was pretty easy, considering she was thirteen hundred miles away in New York, and Gabe really saw very little of Addison’s personal life. But she’d been in his apartment. At his place of work. Hanging out with his brother.
There were no photos up anywhere. Of course, it was a bar. And she’d only been in the office of Trahan’s once. And it had been such a mess of paperwork and boxes that there was no way she would have seen a photo. But the apartment was another story. There were no toys, no kids’ books—or really many books of any kind, come to think of it—and there wasn’t even a place where a kid might sleep.
“He lives with his mom,” she concluded out loud a moment later. And hell, that meant there was an ex. Another woman in Gabe’s life.
Frankly, in her opinion, there was nothing awesome about any of this.
“No, he lives with me,” Gabe said. “Well, with my mom and me.”
“Your mom?” She frowned. “You live with your mom?”
He looked a little sheepish. “Yeah. Because of Coop,” he added quickly.
“But the apartment.”
“Logan lives there. But it belongs to the bar. I use it when I’m working late or over the weekend.”
Or when I need a place to take a woman for sex. He didn’t say it, but Addison could have sworn she heard the words out loud. “I see.” She sat back and crossed her arms.
“So this really is amazing,” he went on. “We’re both parents. That was the one thing that was keeping me from thinking this could really turn into something. Well, that and your living in New York.”
He gave her a little grin, and Addison honestly wished he’d quit doing that. She loved his grins. But now, in this context, they were making things even more difficult.
“Now neither of those things is an issue,” he went on when she said nothing. “And I’m sure that Stella was why you didn’t think we should keep seeing each other. And I get it. It’s a big deal to bring someone into your kid’s life. But there’s nothing to worry about. I love kids. I love being a dad. I’ve always wanted more kids.”
Addison actually felt her mouth drop open. Gabe was an enthusiastic guy. It took about five minutes in Trahan’s with him behind the bar to figure that out. He laughed big, he told big stories, and he had big sex. Big, amazing, blow-her-mind, enthusiastic sex. It shouldn’t surprise her, really, that he’d jump from a weekend fling to “I’ve always wanted more kids.” But it did. Because who said that? Who looked at the woman he barely knew and who had just told him about her daughter and said, “I’ve always wanted more kids”?
“Wow, so I guess we should just get married and all move into your mom’s place and start having family movie nights,” Addison said. “We should start trying for more kids right away. Maybe we’ll get lucky and have twins.”
Gabe lifted a brow. “It’s weird, but you sound a little sarcastic when you say that,” he said. Sarcastically.
She lifted her eyebrows back at him. “You think?”
“What’s the problem?” he asked.
“Seriously? You mean besides the fact that I’m trying to break things off and you just essentially proposed?”
He sat back in his chair, again assuming that casual, nonchalant posture, but with the tight jaw and flashing blue eyes that said “I’m not amused.”
“We don’t have to get married right away. We can have a long engagement if you want. But don’t think for a second that the idea of twins scares me off.”
Holy crap. She now knew something about Gabe Trahan that she hadn’t realized before this moment. He was crazy.
“Okay, so on that note, I need to be getting back to work. And getting off your project. And maybe hiring a bodyguard,” she said, scooting her chair back.
“Addison.”
Her heart was pounding, and she was trying to decide if she was freaked out or just completely flabbergasted, and yet, him saying her name, just her name, stopped her. Well, it was him saying her name in that low, commanding tone.
She sighed and looked up at him, pressing her lips together.
“Don’t leave.”
“I . . .” She swallowed, then lifted her chin and met his eyes. “I’m not interested in any of that. I’m sorry.”
She wasn’t really sorry. It was perfectly fine for her to not want to get married and have more kids with him. But she was sorry that this was going to be the end of Gabe and her. It was just one more way that being a mom screwed with things. She loved Stella. Her daughter was a bright, shining star full of energy and happiness and love, and she made Addison look at the world in new ways and had shown her a kind of love that Addison had never imagined before. Nine times out of ten, Addison would rather be with Stella than anyone else.
But there was that one time out of ten when Addison missed being an adult with full control over her routine and her time. Put bluntly, Stella got in the way of some things. Like moving to London. Getting a full night’s sleep if there was even the tiniest rumble of thunder. Having a kitchen table that didn’t have swipes of marker and gouges from scissors. Spending the weekend with nothing but wine and Netflix. Having a hot fling with a New Orleans bartender.
But heaven forbid Addison actually express any of that. It was the biggest parental sin to actually admit that having a kid was downright exhausting and not always fun. She’d learned that the hard way. She didn’t have many friends who were parents—that was probably part of the problem. Women who weren’t moms but wanted to be couldn’t imagine the emotions that bounced back and forth between incredible love and extreme frustration. Almost constantly. And the few women she did know who were mothers were those supermoms who had reproduced multiple times, did it all, and loved every second of it.
She really needed some new friends.
Where were all the parents who would lay down their lives for their children but who also cherished a trip to the damned grocery store alone just so they could have some time to themselves? She couldn’t be the only mom who had skipped out of work early so she could make the grocery-store trip alone while her kid was still in day care. And who grabbed her favorite box of cookies off the shelf and ate them as she shopped so she wouldn’t have to share. And had stopped just short of grabbing a bottle of wine and uncorking it in aisle four.
She needed to find those moms to hang out with.
Wasn’t it possible to love your kid with all your heart and still sometimes resent that every meal decision had to include vegetables that a five-year-old would eat without argument, that every page in her day planner included something involving a doctor’s appointment, day care, or a play date, and that every weekend had to include educational and mentally stimulating activities?
> “Okay, it’s too soon to talk about marriage and twins,” Gabe said. “Fine. Let’s talk about having dinner tomorrow night. We can introduce Stella and Cooper.”
Oh my God. Her stomach dropped like she’d gone over the top of a roller coaster. She started shaking her head. “No. Definitely not. Absolutely not.”
Gabe frowned. “I’ll cook.”
Yeah, because the idea of cooking was what was sending her into a panic.
Though, yeah, the idea of cooking for two more people, one of whom was another five-year-old who, with her luck, would hate all three of the vegetables that Stella would actually touch, did actually make her feel like she could break out in hives at any moment. “I don’t want to have dinner with you and Cooper,” she said. “I don’t want to meet Cooper. I don’t want you to meet Stella.”
Clearly, being up front, straightforward, and even blunt was how she was going to handle this. Because she really needed Gabe to get this. And because the dread over dating a man who had a kid was very real and was short-circuiting her ability to be calm and reasonable.
Gabe was clenching his jaw again. The only time she’d really seem him do that before today was when he was struggling to maintain control when she had him in her mouth or was the one on top setting the pace. She loved that look on his face. Until now.
Now it was clear he was similarly struggling with control, but she didn’t really want to see him lose his cool in this case.
“Want to explain to me how come you keep showing up in my bar and spreading your legs for me, but you don’t want to meet my son or introduce me to your daughter?” he asked in a tight, low voice.
Did she? No, not really. And if she’d only showed up and spread her legs for him once, she wouldn’t. But she had kept going back to the bar. She’d had the power to end this a long time ago, and she hadn’t. So she supposed she owed him an explanation.
And that explanation might be exactly what she needed to get this let’s-live-happily-ever-after idea out of his head. Usually just the idea of Stella was enough for most guys to call it quits. But if Gabe was a devoted father who wanted to be a husband and family man, then her attitude about the whole thing would probably be enough to turn him right off.
“Okay, look, when we first got together, it was a surprise to me. I don’t do hookups. But the chemistry was off the charts and I was high on New Orleans and you were safe. You lived far away, and it didn’t seem like your first one-night thing with a girl who happened into your bar,” she told him.
She knew—then and now—that she was stereotyping the charming, southern French Quarter–bartender thing, but that was honestly part of the reason she’d stuck around when he’d asked her to, and gone upstairs with him after last call. That and his abs. And ass. And those freaking blue eyes that made her want to take her clothes off and watch them dilate with want.
Then she’d refused to think about the fact that it really might be a regular weekend thing for him. She’d also tried very hard to keep from wondering about who he might be taking up those same stairs with him on the weekends she wasn’t in town. She’d told herself it didn’t matter.
“I didn’t intend to go back to Trahan’s after that first weekend,” she told him honestly. That was why it wasn’t supposed to matter who else saw the upstairs rooms of Trahan’s.
“But you couldn’t stay away,” he said, reiterating her earlier admission.
She nodded. “Yeah.” Clearly, he liked that idea and wasn’t about to let her forget it. “And every time was supposed to be the last time. But it was . . . a break. A vacation. A chance to just be a woman who only had to think about what she wanted and not worry about things like bedtimes and four food groups and swearing and drinking and if the people I was spending time with would be good or bad influences on my daughter.” She took a breath. “It was too tempting to keep doing all of it when I was here. The food, the music, the sex,” she said, because there was no sense in pretending that hadn’t been a huge part of it. “When I was here, Stella was taken care of, and I could just be me.” She leaned in. “And that’s something you need to know—I love her. Dearly. But I also love time without her. A lot.” She watched him for his reaction to that.
“All parents feel that way sometimes,” Gabe said. “I get that. And I’m not saying that the kids need to come along on every date or anything.”
“I don’t want her to come along on any dates,” Addison said stubbornly. “And I definitely don’t want Cooper to come along on any dates.”
Gabe frowned at her. “Why the hell not?”
“Because I have one too many five-year-olds as it is,” she said, feeling her frustration growing. “Look, I know that sounds terrible, but the thing is, Gabe, Stella is way more than I had intended to have at this point in my life. Or maybe ever. Being a mom is hard, and frankly, I have no desire to double that. I don’t want another kid.”
There, she’d said it. She knew it sounded bad, but she couldn’t care about that. She needed Gabe to not want to get Cooper and her together. So if she needed to be a little bitchy about this whole thing, that was for the best. She was sure Cooper was a great kid, but . . . No, actually, she had no idea if Cooper was a great kid. He might be a hellion. But even if he was the sweetest child in the history of the world, it didn’t matter. He was a kid. And kids needed things. A lot of things.
She was raising Stella to be very independent, and thankfully her daughter was blessed with a naturally autonomous spirit. She’d been potty trained by one, was dressing herself by age three, and now, at age five, she was able to bathe with only supervision, get her own snacks, and read her favorite simple books. She’d be in kindergarten in the fall, and Addison was excited about the new challenges and stimulation for her always-on-the-go girl, but she also knew that the school routine would add more to her calendar. There would be certain times Stella had to be certain places. There would be fund-raising bake sales. There would be parent-teacher meetings and PTO meetings and God knew what other meetings. And Addison would be at them all. Because that’s what a good mom did. But she certainly didn’t want to be going to two sets of parent-teacher meetings and doctors’ appointments and recitals and . . . She stopped and took a breath as her heart rate quickened with even the idea of the added stress.
And really, getting involved with Gabe would be tripling the people who needed her, not just doubling. Gabe would need things, too. And while he was, obviously, a capable, successful adult, it wasn’t like she could just never consider his schedule or what he wanted for dinner.
She wasn’t selfish. Well, okay, maybe she was a little selfish. But dammit, being a mom was hard. She’d had plans that had been sidetracked by becoming a mom. She was so glad to have had Stella. She’d learned a lot about herself. Good and bad. And she’d never considered ending the pregnancy or putting the baby up for adoption. She’d made the choice to have sex with the most irresponsible man on the planet, and now being a single mom to Stella was the consequence of that. Addison believed in dealing with the consequences of her choices. So she was now a mom. And she was good at it. She worked at it. She took it seriously. But she hadn’t chosen it.
She’d never pictured her life with a child at any point prior to the at-home pregnancy test turning out positive. So she kind of thought she could be forgiven for not always knowing exactly what she was doing and for not always being thrilled with the way Stella impacted her decisions and routines.
Gabe was staring at her, and Addison braced herself for him to say, “I don’t want a woman with that attitude anywhere near my kid.” That was what she wanted him to say. But once he said the words, it would be the official end between them, and dammit, there was a chunk of her heart that didn’t want that.
Just like there was a chunk of her heart that wished she never had to make broccoli again in her life. But that chunk was always overridden by the chunk of her brain that said she had to because it was what a responsible mother would do.
“Doing it all
alone must be hard,” Gabe finally said.
She frowned slightly. “Well, yeah. As you know.”
“I was fishing there for just how alone you are,” he admitted, sitting forward in his chair again. “As in, how involved is Stella’s dad.”
“Stella’s dad is becoming a rock star in LA,” Addison said, unable to keep the derision out of her tone. “Needless to say, Stella was a surprise to both of us. He wanted to be cut loose, and after about the fifth horrible decision, I was more than happy to make that happen. He signed over all parental rights, and we haven’t heard from him in two years. Not even on the radio,” she said with an eye roll.
Gabe nodded. “Good to hear.”
“That I have horrible taste in men?” she asked. “Shouldn’t that concern you?”
One corner of his mouth curled slightly, the first sign of anything resembling humor since they’d taken their seats. “You seem like the type to learn from your mistakes.”
She nodded. “Definitely. Hence the whole no-more-babies thing.”
“Right.” Something flickered in his eyes. “Thankfully, you haven’t figured out that babies come from sex. Because then I would be concerned. And have a pretty bad case of blue balls.”
She lifted a brow. “I have a very good IUD and always buy my own condoms. And I always put them on myself so I know it’s all done right. In case you haven’t noticed.”
For a second, he looked surprised. Then he looked impressed. “Damn. You do, don’t you?” Then he tipped his head. “Should I be offended that you don’t think I know how to put a condom on correctly?”
She couldn’t help it. She laughed. “I’ll also take it as a compliment that you were so into everything that you didn’t even really notice.”
“Well, you get your hands near my cock and I’m pretty much unable to think at all,” he said, his voice suddenly husky.
And just like that, heat arrowed through her. She swallowed hard. “Anyway,” she said, pushing all images of Gabe’s cock from her mind. Kind of. “Stella’s dad isn’t a consideration in anything. I’m doing it all on my own. Just the way I like it. Yes, it’s hard. But I’d rather it be hard than frustrating as hell when I’m dealing with someone else’s opinions on how I should raise my kid or cleaning up the messes they cause with their decisions.”
Going Down Easy (Boys of the Big Easy) Page 5