It would be so much easier if I did. I don’t understand how you can say you love me, yet do that to me. I sometimes think love is overused. I’ve become numb to that word, and that is all because of you.
I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I guess we are all a product of what we do, but you took my creation and remolded it to your actions, and I hate that. I hate that I chose your feelings over mine, but at the time I didn’t know another way. Truthfully, I still don’t. That’s love to me. Putting others first.
If I stop and reminisce, I know you loved me. I think you still do in your own way. I remember sobbing on your chest after I admitted my feelings the first time. I was terrified, and that feeling never went away. Does that mean what we had wasn’t exceptional? I don’t want to think so because your first love is supposed to be the one you compare to everything else in life.
I remember you looking at me and seeing me. The real me. Without the walls and defenses. You fought for me. You wanted that girl, and I wanted to be that girl. I was for a short time.
You hurt me more than I ever thought possible. Then refused to let me heal. You kept pushing and pushing, tearing apart everything in my life that was good. I may not have been perfect at telling you how I felt, but I showed you how much I loved you every day.
There were times you put me first, but that’s because I would never allow you to be hurt in doing so. I feel you used my love against me in the end, and I lost all trust in you. In myself. I don’t know who I am. The most formative years of my life, I was part of a couple. A quartet. You, Callie, Bronson, and me. One action tore that apart. I know you feel bad, and you’re sorry, but is there a point where that isn’t enough? I hope not. I want to hear that word from you and be able to accept it.
I’m not there yet, but hopefully one day I will be. Your pain caused me pain, but you didn’t acknowledge that. You drove the wedge deeper and deeper between us until it was irreparable. Until I believed I was unfixable. I’m not. I’m learning to fix myself. I don’t know if you accept the responsibility because I haven’t talked to you, and that sucks. Besides Callie, you were my best friend. When Callie was gone, I don’t know if you realize how much I depended on you. The day my dad was murdered you held onto me, you didn’t let me slip away. You kept me present with your words, your love, your shelter. When that was ripped away, I didn’t know how to deal with it.
You took my virginity, my innocence, my heart, and in the end you took my faith. The faith in myself, in love, in truth. You took those, and they weren’t for you. They were mine, and I want them back.
In short, I’m mad as hell, Dakota. I’m hurt as hell. I’m so confused and conflicted about what I feel and what is right. You did that.
I don’t know what else to tell you, except no matter what, I’ll always believe we had it all. We could have been forever and not fleeting, but YOU ruined it. All. I know I will always love you, always remember you, and maybe one day we can find what we once had but right now, I can’t be that person for you. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re healing, and if it’s with me or not, I hope you find love.
Love,
Bianca
P.S. QUIT LIKING MY PICTURES ON FACEBOOK, ASSHOLE!
I don’t feel any different. I’m still confused about everything, and telling him how pissed off I am doesn’t alleviate the anger. I know what will. But I don’t have his fucking address to send it to him. This was a useless exercise, and I’ll make sure I tell Doc that next week.
I re-read the letter and put it in an envelope. Writing his name on the front, I pull out a box and place it in there. I pick up the pen and notebook and begin another one.
Heath,
I stare at the blank page for a long time. Nothing I can put in words seems sufficient. Picking up the Airheads, I hope I can find the answers at the bottom of the bag.
Chapter Twelve
Heath
The watchful eyes of my dad are almost too much. I’m going stir crazy while he’s working double time to get me out of the mess I got myself into. I’ve been here for three days, and things are at a standstill. Instead of enjoying the island life, we’ve been cooped up in his office. He and I both know the Costa family can end me anytime they want. I’ve shut off my cell phone and have no communication with the outside world. With the looming decision hanging over my head, I’m craving a drink.
I don’t take one. I don’t need to look like a drunk and a loser to my dad. The negotiations have been slow and harsh with few concessions being made on the Costa end. The only thing they want is my cooperation; my conscience isn’t part of the equation.
“Heath, come in here.” I make my way into my dad’s office as he is pushing up from his desk.
I sit down, and he sits in the chair next to me. “Son, you need to be prepared this may not end how you want it to. You may be indebted to them until they’re ready to cut you loose.”
“Not an option. They can kill me first.” He turns his ring as he slumps down in his chair. Raising his face to stare at me his eyes are misty and distant.
“Don’t say that.”
“Dad, if I’m in bed with the Mob, my life is over. I can’t go back to Bianca; I can never feel secure she won’t be harmed because of my relationships. I’d spend every day looking over my shoulder, and you know it won’t stop with money laundering. Soon they’ll pull me in to something else. What kind of life is that?”
“One where you’d be alive. I’d have my son.”
“You lived this life. I grew up in it. No guarantees and I don’t want that.”
“There are no guarantees in life. You don’t know that you will get Bianca back.”
“I know I won’t with this situation. Whether I get her back as mine or not, she’d always be a weakness to me, and I love her.”
“More than yourself?”
“Without her, I cease to exist.” He nods his head, the silence filling the room. Each tick of the clock, leaves rustling in the wind, water running through a pipe . . . they all echo off the walls, engulfing me in trepidation. His ringing phone jolts me from panic, and I watch the fear flash in his eyes.
“De Luca,” he answers with authority. His eyes close; he nods his head, his fingers pinch the bridge of his nose. After a lifetime he speaks. “Done. All your terms met. I appreciate this.” More silence on his end, his fists clench, and his teeth clamp shut. “Yes, Gino. He’s out of my debt, and the slate is clean. Heath will be there in a few days and deed it over to you.” He places the phone down and steeples his fingers under his chin. “We have an outcome.”
“How bad?”
He chuckles. “Actually, it could have been worse. Gino or Costa must be falling down on the job because when I was Consigliore I wouldn’t have let you out of this so easy.”
“Tell me.” I hold my breath feeling like I’m losing sensation in my hands.
“You sign over the bar free and clear to Gino’s nephew. He hasn’t been linked to the business, so it will still be a clean place for them to launder their money. You’re free, and nobody is owed anything.”
“That seems too easy. I own the bar outright, you set me up for that, and I won’t be hurting for money.”
“I always provided for you, but I worry about the example I set for you. I had several markers that I’ve called in, so no more trouble because they are all used up. I won’t be able to save you again.”
“Believe me, this wasn’t a lifelong aspiration of mine. I was weak and felt my life was over.”
“What changed?”
“Remembering that no matter what, I love her.”
“Maybe I wasn’t such a bad role model.” I stand to embrace him. He saved my life today, and that isn’t an exaggeration. He holds me a bit tighter, slightly longer than usual, before pulling back. “Don’t be such a stranger. Now that you are out of business maybe you could spend some time with your old man.”
“Deal. Although I think I have an idea what my next venture will be.” A certain
blonde with the voice of an angel comes to mind.
“Whatever it is will be terrific. You have a day left here before going home and wrapping things up. Let’s go get some dinner.”
“Let me go grab my phone and let Lynsey know what’s going on and have her break the news to the employees. I’ll be honest with them, and they can make their own decisions. If they want to leave, I’ll do whatever I can to find them jobs.”
“You’ll do it. If you need help, I know people.”
“Thank fuck for that.” Tension slowly leaves my shoulders as I make my way to my room to grab my phone.
Once it powers up, I call Lynsey. “Hey, it’s me.”
“Holy shit. Way to go off the radar. I’ve called, left messages, texted. What the hell is going on?”
I take a deep breath before releasing the truth I owe her. “I messed up, Lynsey. I involved myself in shit I shouldn’t have. I came to my dad’s for his help.”
“Are you okay?”
“I will be. We all will be, but I need to let you know that in forty-eight hours I won’t own the bar.”
“Oh my God. What’s going on?”
“I have to deed it over to the Mob family I put myself in bed with. I do have another idea to run by you when I get home, but know you’ll be fine. I’ll always take care of you. If you’ll let everyone else know and let them make their own decisions. If they want to leave, assure them I’ll find jobs for them and pay them until they get hired somewhere else.”
“Heath this isn’t like you. You don’t make mistakes like this.”
“My head was somewhere else. I fucked up.”
“You better?”
“Yeah, I think I really am, Lyns. I’ll touch base with you when I get home, but until then, don’t worry. I swear you’re good.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m a survivor. I worry about you.”
“No need for that. I promise, it’s all good.”
“Call me as soon as you land.”
“Will do. Call me if you need anything before then.” I end the call and see all the notifications. She wasn’t lying. Thirty-three voicemails, fifty-one texts. I’ll listen to her voicemails later, clicking on my text icon to clear them. I stare at the screen, blink to clear my eyes, and read the most recent one over and over. It was sent two days ago, and I missed it because I was off the grid.
BIANCA: I miss you.
My mouth opens and closes. I want to scream from the rooftops, hug strangers around me. I sink to the bed and stare. All the hurdles jumped, how indecisive our entire relationship was, the pain, the happiness, it’s all paid off. She misses me. ME! My smile can’t be contained as I rush down the hall and grab my dad in a bear hug.
“It’s just dinner, son.”
“No. It’s the best fucking dinner I’ll ever have.”
He looks at me quizzically. “Okay. Let’s go eat the best fucking dinner I’ll ever feed you.” Smile still in place, heart beating wildly, a future I’m elated to embrace accompanies me throughout the night. I could have responded to her text, but it’s been sitting there for a few days and I want to settle this in person. I want to see her face when I tell her she is mine.
My muscles are taut all through dinner, my mind a jumbled mess of everything I have to do. I go through a mental checklist, focusing on the ending.
Get Bianca.
Sign over club.
Find jobs for employees not staying.
Look into future business with Lynsey.
Get Bianca.
It begins and ends with her. That text gave me an opening, and I’m going to make sure I make my way in.
“Heath, what’s going on? Your mind is working overtime. It’s busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.”
“Nice, Dad. I got a text a few days ago. From Bianca…she said she missed me.”
“Heath . . .”
“No, Dad. I know her. She wouldn’t reach out if she wasn’t ready. I don’t know what it means for us, but I know that message means everything to me. Everything.”
“I just don’t want you making any more decisions out of pain; this could have been so much worse.”
“I won’t. Even without her by my side, I know she could be collateral damage because of my feelings for her, and I won’t ever put her in a position to be hurt.”
“Just take it easy. That girl did a number on you. She’s always been a handful, but I love her. Joseph put her on a pedestal, and she had her issues, but she’s a good kid. You are as well, and I want you to be happy.”
“She makes me happy, Dad.”
“Then let’s get home and get you packed so you can handle your shit and go to her. Just tread lightly.”
“Balls to the wall. That’s the only way to get through to her.” His eyes scrunch together, and he laughs out loud.
“That’s my boy.”
I’ve never packed so fast or been so careless about what I leave behind. My plane leaves before the sun rises, and hopefully, by nightfall, I will have a few tasks checked off my list.
Chapter Thirteen
Bianca
Addictive. That is the solitary word to describe this feeling. I watch Callie’s face scrunch and her body flinch. She acts like she’s the one bleeding and feeling this constant pain. I smile at her, reassuring her I’m fine, and go back to watch the artist continue his masterpiece. If I’m not careful, I’ll be covered in tattoos, it doesn’t give me the same release as self-inflicted pain, but it does calm me. He wipes the last bit of ink and blood off my wrist and pushes back from the table.
nessun rimpianto
I etched my dad’s mantra on my body, so I can remember ‘no regrets.’ I stare at those words and feel the tears pool. I hear my dad’s voice telling me that and I do regret.
I regret living with fear.
I regret hurting my dad.
I regret not letting go sooner.
I regret blaming myself.
No more regrets. I’m living by the words from this point forward.
My voice matters.
My feelings are mine to own.
My desires aren’t worthless.
“I love it,” the words are barely audible over the wonderment I’m experiencing.
“You okay?” Callie is beside me, behaving like a mother hen.
“I’m better than okay. I’m ready.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
She nods, and I get my aftercare instructions, pay, and follow her to her car. I see her taking deep breaths, her hands gripping the steering wheel, and before she can launch into her speech, I cut her off. “Callie, I know you’re worried. Life is filled with the unknown, so I’m going, and whatever happens, happens.”
“I’m just scared.”
“I’m stronger.”
“You were never weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know, but I also know he holds the power to break you.”
“No, he doesn’t. Only I hold the power over me. Can he hurt me? Yes. If it happens I’ll deal. The right way this time.”
“I can go with you,” she pleads.
“No. Please understand I have to do this.”
She lets out a heavy sigh before conceding. “I hate when you’re right.”
“It happens so often you should be used to it.” I give her a hearty smile to show her how determined I am and maybe a tad bit of a smart-ass smirk just for good measure.
“Shut up. Do we have time to get a coffee?”
“I haven’t even booked my flight. Let’s go get coffee and shop.”
I see the smile light up her face. It’s been a while since she’s been able to just enjoy time with me. I hope it continues. She drives us to the mall, and we people watch for a little while, meandering through shops. I leave the store while she looks at lingerie. I don’t need to know what she is going to wear before boning my brother. That’s just nasty.
“Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“You’
ll be fine. He loves you, and he always has. He will be shocked as shit when you show up at his door.”
“I just hope we can fix it. Trust was lost. Words spoken I can’t take back. My actions weren’t honest.”
Bellissimo Rilascio (Beautiful Release): The Family Series #3 Page 8