by Iain Maloney
Aberdeen, June 2013
Marcus walked up Schoolhill, pushing through the shoppers heading for the Bon Accord centre, St Nicholas Kirk imposing above him. The Piper Alpha chapel in there he’d never seen. In a week it would be the twenty-fifth anniversary. Isobel was on at him to go, but he couldn’t. After all that time, he still couldn’t face seeing his pain in the eyes of others.
He ran through the pubs in his immediate vicinity, the Prince of Wales, O’Neill’s, Ma Cameron’s, the Hogshead, Triple Kirks, Slain’s, all of them open, all of them with a decent Guinness on tap, all of them with a paper, a bar you could stand at in the gloaming and ignore the daylight. But no, he would drink after, not before. It wouldn’t be his fault this time. He’d try to make peace and if it didn’t work he’d go and get properly fucked.
His hip ached a bit from the walk yesterday, a couple of hours around the flatter parts of Bennachie. The top of the Mither Tap now out of his reach, that pin in his hip a permanent reminder of being a drunken fuckwit. Without a helicopter or slaves to carry him, he’d never stand on the top of a mountain again. Still it had been a lovely walk, just him and Isobel out amongst the pines and the wildlife, a good steak and ale pie on the way home, warm enough for sitting in the garden in the evening. They talked about getting a dog, a Labrador maybe, something from a shelter, but it would be a shame to leave it when they were both working. When he retired, which wasn’t that far off. He was looking forward to it, truth be told, being a house husband while Isobel still worked. Do the cooking and cleaning, get the garden sorted finally.
He followed Skene Terrace, commanding his legs not to take the stairs into North Silver Street where Under The Hammer was, kept on up the incline, looked up at the flats on his right. He’d once had a one-night stand with a woman who lived in there, a long time back. He took Summer Street, Huntly Street, Rose Street, Thistle Street, Rubislaw Place. Until he came out onto Albyn he could pretend he was just out for a walk, but Albyn made it real. He was walking to Carrie’s hotel. He was going to walk in and call her room. In a matter of minutes they’d be standing face-to-face. He could go into Number Ten, he hadn’t had a pint in there for years. Nostalgia took his legs in that direction but no, come on, Marcus, after. Deal? Deal. He crossed onto Queen’s Road and made his way to Malmaison, slowing his pace, letting the prickles of sweat dry. Getting his speech straight in his head.
In reception there was a pretty Eastern European girl behind the desk. A memory flitted by, a few weeks back, in Budapest with Isobel, a city break, sunlight on a church wall.
‘Good afternoon, how can I help you?’
That accent. Just too sexy. ‘Good morning. My daughter is staying here. Caroline Fraser. Could you call her room and tell her I’m here? She isn’t expecting me.’
‘Yes, sir. One moment.’
His throat was dry. Even a shandy would’ve helped. You can’t smell a shandy.
‘I’m sorry Mister Fraser, but she is out at the moment.’ She held the phone away from her mouth, hand over the receiver.
‘Oh.’ Of course, that was always going to happen. But he hadn’t wanted to take the risk of calling in advance.
‘But her partner is there. She says if you can wait, she’ll be down in a minute.’
‘Her partner?’
‘Can I tell her yes?’
‘Um. Yes. Sorry. Yes.’
She relayed his consent. ‘You can wait here in reception or in the bar.’
He was halfway through his pint when the receptionist led a woman with long auburn hair into the bar and pointed her towards him. This was a bad idea.
‘Mister Fraser? I’m Ashley Wolfe but you can call me Ash. It’s a pleasure to meet you.’ He shook her hand. ‘Carrie is down at the University just now but she should be back after lunch. Ah yes,’ the receptionist had reappeared behind the bar, ‘a gin and tonic please and another pint for Mister Fraser, charge them all to my room. Thanks. Are you happy sitting at the bar or should we get a table?’
‘You are…’ he started, couldn’t find the words. ‘Carrie’s…’
‘Yes. Perhaps a table is best. Thank you.’ She picked up the drinks and walked to the far corner. He drained his pint and followed her. The receptionist returned to her desk. They were alone.
‘Did you know Carrie was bisexual?’ Her voice was soft, sympathetic, but he could tell there was a fierce intelligence opposite him.
‘Yes, sorry. I knew, she told us. I just…’
‘You just didn’t expect her lover to be here.’
‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have dropped by. I…’
‘It’s no problem, Mister Fraser, I just didn’t want there to be any misunderstanding. I was in our room catching up on some work. I didn’t want to turn you away.’
‘So you and Carrie? How long have you been…?’
‘We’ve been together for ten years.’
‘My wife and I have been married for ten years.’ He had no idea why he said that. The coincidence. The timing.
‘Congratulations. She and I had just got together when she came back for your wedding.’
His wedding. The last time he’d seen her.
‘Thank you. I had no idea.’
‘Is it a problem?’
‘You’re very direct, aren’t you?’
‘I’m a lawyer. I’m sorry, Mister Fraser—’
‘Call me Marcus.’
‘I’m sorry, Marcus, but I know something of the situation with you and Carrie. I assume you’ve come to effect a reconciliation. I think that’s something worth pursuing but if you have a problem with Carrie’s sexuality we should deal with that immediately.’
‘You mean am I homophobic? No, it’s not that. Carrie and I… it’s been ten years and the last time wasn’t… it didn’t go well. I was psyching myself up to speak to her. It never occurred to me that her, that you…’ He took a drink. ‘Carrie and I haven’t been close for a long time.’ He took a moment, another mouthful, tried to organise his thoughts. ‘Do you think she’ll see me?’
It was Ash’s turn to pause, the ice in her gin and tonic rattling as she drank. ‘I don’t know, Marcus. She hasn’t contacted you. She hasn’t said anything to me about wanting to see you. However being home has unsettled her. It’s easy to maintain a policy of non-contact when you are on the other side of the world.’
‘Aberdeen is a long way from Hawaii.’
‘Yes. Can I get you another?’
‘I shouldn’t. I don’t want to be drunk when I see her.’
‘No, probably not a good idea. However I don’t think you should see her today. She’s preparing for the conference, she delivers her paper tomorrow. You know that’s why she’s back?’
‘I work at the University now.’
‘It seems Carrie’s out of touch as well. The paper is important to her, and it’s her alma mater so she wants to do well. However, we’re here all week. Once the stress of the conference is out of the way we can arrange a meeting.’
‘I’m worried if you tell her she won’t come.’ There was something about this woman that inspired confidence.
‘So am I, so I won’t tell her.’
‘She really hates me.’
‘She’s been hurt. But so have you. I think this is worth a try but it might not work.’
‘You know our history?’
‘Some of it.’
‘Why do you want to help?’
‘I’ve seen the way she’s been since we arrived. If you’d turned up in Hawaii I may have reacted differently, I don’t know. We went to the Piper Alpha memorial yesterday. Even if it fails, even if you two can’t resume a relationship, I think it might be good for her to try. I’m guessing it would be good for you as well.’
Marcus nodded. ‘Her mother and I, we did so many things wrong. But you never stop loving your daughter.’
‘You’d be surprised, Marcus. Some parents find it all too easy.’ Her voice caught as she spoke, she took a deep breath. ‘I’m having another. Will
you join me?’
‘I’ll get them.’ He rang the bell on the bar, ordered another round. ‘She’ll bring them over,’ he told Ash.
‘Do you like the great outdoors, Marcus?’
‘I do. Carrie and I used to go climbing together.’
‘She’s planning to take me to somewhere called Loch More… Loch Morch… Loch—’
‘Loch Morlich?’
‘That’s it.’
‘The Cairngorms. We used to camp there every summer.’
‘Are you free at any time this week?’
‘I can be.’
‘And your wife?’
‘Isobel? I’d have to check.’
‘Okay, here’s what I’m thinking. We’re staying at the Hilton there.’
‘Coylumbridge?’
‘I think so. I have to admit these Scottish names defeat me. If you and your wife could also book in there, then we could arrange to meet.’
‘Make it look like a coincidence?’
‘She won’t fall for that. But if we get her out amongst the mountains, away from negative memories, she might be more relaxed.’
‘When are you booked in?’
‘Thursday and Friday night.’ Her phone bleeped. ‘That’s Carrie. I should go.’
‘Okay, I’ll get the hotel booked. I should give you my number.’
‘Take my card, send me a text when you’re fixed.’
He drained his pint, took some money out of his wallet.
‘Don’t worry about the drinks, they’re on me. You can buy a round in Loch Morlich.’
‘Thank you for this.’
‘I’m glad to help, Marcus.’
‘I really miss her, Ash. When I was out there, during the disaster…’
‘I understand. I can’t guarantee anything, but we can try.’ She stood, they shook hands again. ‘I look forward to your text.’
‘Thank you. And I apologise for my reaction when we met.’
‘No need, Marcus. Take care of yourself.’
He left her to finish her gin and crossed the street, heading straight for Number Ten.
Aberdeen, June 2013
The morning was a meet-and-greet, geologists from all over the world coming together to exchange ideas, dirt and, by tonight, bodily fluids. The bars of Aberdeen would be packed over the next few days with scientists trying to reclaim their student days. I was staying well out of it. In and out. Tomorrow I’d deliver my paper, drop my conclusions like a grenade, clear out. Then we were off to Skye, the Cairngorms, then back and flying home. A week, in and out.
‘Carrie, it’s wonderful of you to come. We’re all looking forward to your paper. The prodigal returned and all that.’
‘Professor Boyle, you’re looking well. The weight of administration suits you.’
‘An act, Carrie, all an act. Inside I’m drowning. How are things in Hawaii? Professor Lau still as terrifying as ever?’
‘Still fighting her corner, if that’s what you mean. How are things here?’
‘I’m not sure I have the strength for the winters anymore. I never seem to get the chill out of my bones.’
‘I can’t say I miss that.’
‘No. I envy your position in Hawaii. Do you think you’ll ever move back to this part of the world?’
‘I can’t rule it out, but to give up Hawaii it would have to be one hell of a job offer.’
‘Well, with your reputation and publication history, you must get offers all the time.’
‘Some, it’s true. But I imagine after tomorrow…’
‘Yes, your paper. Geothermal Energy Extraction and Collateral Seismic Events. I’ve been hearing some interesting things about it and I’m curious why you chose to come all this way to deliver it. Care to elaborate?’
‘You’ve read the abstract?’
‘I have. Bit vague.’
I tilted my head and smiled. I knew he’d heard about my conclusions. There were only two reasons why someone would turn up in the European oil capital and deliver a paper on Geothermal Energy Extraction and Collateral Seismic Events – if their conclusions would be warmly welcomed by the oil industry or if their conclusions would spark outrage. ‘No spoilers, Professor Boyle,’ I said. ‘But I am expecting a lively debate afterwards.’
‘I’ll make sure I don’t miss it, then.’ He looked around at the other groups, people mingling, and eased me into an empty adjoining room. ‘Changing the subject, I need to have a word with you.’
‘This sounds serious.’
‘Not serious, just personal.’
‘My father?’
‘Have you spoken to him?’
I took a deep breath. This was bound to happen sooner or later, I just thought Boyle would wait until he had a few drinks in him. ‘No. We haven’t been in touch for a while.’
‘Then I should tell you. Your father works for me now.’
‘For you? Here? In the department?’
‘Yes. Part-time, teaching.’
‘I… I had no idea. Will he be—’
‘At your paper? I don’t think so. I advised against it, at least without speaking to you first. Not an ideal place for a reunion.’
‘No. Thank you. And thank you for warning me.’
‘Carrie,’ he put a hand on my shoulder, his soft eyes all saggy concern, ‘you should see him. While you’re here. He’s changed. He’s less troubled.’
‘Is he still drinking?’
‘You know as well as I that nothing could keep him away from the drink for long. But it’s under control. I have no complaints about his work, he is punctual and prepared, which is more than I can say for many others in this department. Carrie, your father will never be the way he was before all that horror, but he’s about as healed as he’s ever going to be.’
Who was this old man to interfere? I sipped my orange juice, trying to quench the burn. ‘Professor Boyle, I thank you for your concern and I appreciate you telling me about my father’s employment situation, but I’d ask you not to get involved with my private life.’
‘Carrie, if I’ve spoken out of turn and offended you, then I apologise. Marcus is one of my oldest friends. I know much of his behaviour was inexcusable, and PTSD is only a label that covers a lot of hurts, but I just want to say this and then we will never speak of it again. He understands the hurt he has caused and he is truly sorry for it. Is there no part of you left that loves him? That can, if not forgive him, then at least see him and let him apologise?’
We returned to the meeting and he left me to catch up with Dr Halabi, who had left Hawaii for Istanbul, opening up the position for me. I put myself on pleasantries auto-pilot, reminiscing about shared colleagues, listening to the abstract of his paper, but I wasn’t hearing, wasn’t caring. I kept expecting my father to come around the corner any moment, to come into the room. I’d hardly slept and everything felt woolly.
As soon as Boyle left I made my excuses and texted Ash. I’d agreed to show her the campus and then the beach but I just wanted to go back to the hotel and hide.
I met Ash’s taxi outside the English department. She hugged me as it drove off. There was a coffee cart inside the Taylor building that hadn’t been there before but otherwise everything was the same.
‘This is gorgeous,’ she said. ‘It’s one of these proper Harry Potter ones.’
‘It was founded in fourteen ninety-five, three years after Columbus found America.’ I couldn’t help having a dig.
‘A good time to be a geography student.’
‘Third in Scotland, fifth in Britain.’ I took her through the quadrangles, the granite towers with crowns perched on top, the battlements and ornate arched windows, Bishop Elphinstone’s tomb, the chapel. When I’d been a student I’d taken all of these buildings for granted. King’s College wasn’t an architectural masterpiece then, it wasn’t a piece of history, it was where I had classes, did exams. Elphinstone Hall was the site of anxiety attacks, the lawn the setting for a messy break-up. Now the towers, the ancient
blocks, the quads, glowed in the sunlight.
‘How was this morning?’
‘Oh, you know. Shake hands, repeat the same four pieces of information, move on. Did you get much done?’
‘Yeah, it was a productive morning.’
We walked through the quad behind Elphinstone Hall where the drama society did plays before the summer holidays. I’d seen A Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Tempest there. We crossed King Street, passed the pill box-like Golf Road flats where there’d been plenty of parties, and cut across the golf course, turning right when we reached the sand.
‘It must have been great having the beach so close to campus,’ said Ash.
‘We didn’t come down as often as you’d think. It’s cold here, pretty much all year.’
‘I can see why you prefer Hawaii.’
The beach was almost deserted, a few dog walkers, kids playing. One man doing tai chi.
‘What’s that?’ said Ash, pointing at a building.
‘Leisure centre. I used to work there.’
‘Lifeguard?’
‘General dogsbody. I got to climb for free though.’
‘Good perk. Are you okay?’
I sat down hard on the sand, felt the prick of tears, tried to fight them but couldn’t, I was too tired. Ash put her arms around me, pulled me into her shoulder. Why had I come back, why now? The pain of it all, I could vomit, I could scream.
I emptied. When the aftershocks subsided, Ash gave me a tissue. Her shoulder was soaked.
‘Sorry.’
‘It’s okay. I was wondering when you’d do that.’
‘Cry?’
‘You were going to break eventually.’
‘I should never have come.’
‘You had to, sometime. You can’t keep running forever.’
‘Watch me.’
‘You can but you shouldn’t.’
‘He works at the university.’
‘Did you see him?’
‘No.’
‘Maybe you should.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You can. I think it’s time, Carrie.’
‘I don’t want to.’
‘You’re scared.’