“No, I mean—I just—” Cordelia’s face was flushed with embarrassment.
Sarah laughed. “It’s okay. I’m just teasing. Anyway, it only goes to show that life is full of surprises.”
“I hate surprises. Unless they’re under the Christmas tree. Then you can be pretty sure they’re good surprises.”
“I hate surprises, too,” Sarah said. “I used to think that I liked them. But not anymore.”
“Yeah. I can see that. Do you want more lemonade?” Cordelia asked, swinging her legs off the bed.
“What I want is more ice. In a bucket and dumped over my head.”
Chapter 103
Adelaide was in the kitchen making a pitcher of iced tea when Cordelia came in with a rare pensive look on her face.
“Hi,” Adelaide said. “Something on your mind?”
Cordelia sat on a stool at the counter. “Yeah. Mom, can we talk about something?”
“We can talk about anything.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me. About the adoption. And I’m sorry I was such a jerk to you. You did what you had to do, and it must have been so hard.”
Adelaide fought back tears of joy and relief. “Thank you, Cordelia,” she said. “And you weren’t a jerk.”
Cordelia shrugged. “I guess it was just such a shock. I mean, it was the last thing I ever expected to hear. Well, maybe not the very last, but still.”
“I’m so sorry. I realize now that my timing was awful.”
“You could have decided never to tell me.”
“I suppose I could have,” Adelaide admitted. “Your father pointed that out to me.”
“But I’m glad that you did tell me. I wasn’t at first, but now I am.”
“Good. I guess no one really likes to learn that her parents had past experiences that weren’t—pleasant. But maybe it’s important we find out that our parents are flawed. Sometimes, seriously flawed.”
But Adelaide wondered. Was it really better that she knew her mother’s true nature? Or would she be happier if she still believed that her mother was a kind and caring person? No. That would mean she was living under a delusion, and delusions were never a good idea.
“Well, I don’t think giving your baby up for adoption was a sign of being flawed,” Cordelia said. “It was a brave thing to do. As brave as Sarah’s keeping her baby.”
“Yes. Two acts of courage, keeping a child and giving away a child. Each requires a big leap of faith.”
“Life is really hard, isn’t it?” Cordelia said. “I mean, I guess on some level I kind of knew that, but until Sarah got pregnant I was really pretty innocent. Not to say that I’m totally mature now!”
“I think,” Adelaide said, “that no matter how mature you are, life can always surprise or shock you. Or challenge you.”
Cordelia frowned. “So it doesn’t get easier?”
“Is that what it sounded like?”
“Yeah! Like, no matter how much experience you have it doesn’t necessarily matter because something so bad or weird or unexpected could happen that you’re left with—I don’t know, with your mouth hanging open.”
Why deny it? Adelaide thought. “That’s when it helps to have friends and family to turn to,” she said. “No one can really live life alone, not successfully, anyway.”
“What about monks and nuns and people like that?” Cordelia asked.
“Most people in religious orders live in communities. Community members care for one another. But maybe there are some who live alone.... Except they’re not alone because they have their god.”
“See? Nothing is simple! How can anyone ever say, ‘This is a fact,’ when in the next half a second someone else can say, ‘But what about this other fact that contradicts your fact?’ ”
Adelaide smiled fondly at her daughter. “Cordelia, you’re a lot more mature than you give yourself credit for being!”
“Yeah, well, mature or not, I am sooooo hungry. What are we having for dinner?”
Chapter 104
“Burgers are ready,” Joe announced from his place at the charcoal grill.
It was August tenth, Sarah’s birthday, and there was a small birthday party slash baby shower in progress in the Bauers’ backyard. Joe had hung blue streamers from the big maple tree by the shed, and there were blue balloons tacked to the edge of the picnic table. (Clarissa had immediately popped the first three Joe had blown up.) Sarah had collected wildflowers and put them in several mason jars now lined up and down the center of the table. The weather had cooperated. It was sunny and warm but with hardly a trace of humidity.
In addition to burgers, there was potato salad and corn on the cob and pigs in a blanket. (Clarissa had already made off with two of them.) Cindy had made Sarah’s favorite carrot cake with pineapples and cream cheese frosting. The women were drinking wine. The men were drinking beer. The girls were drinking homemade lemonade.
At Sarah’s request they had opened the presents for the baby first. (The quilt was not quite finished; that presentation would have to wait for another moment.) Joe had made a cradle for the baby out of pine. Cindy thought it was the most elegant thing he had ever crafted. Needless to say, it was also perfectly constructed. No grandchild of Joe’s was going to tip over and be dumped on the floor while being rocked to sleep with a lullaby!
Adelaide and Cordelia had put together an enormous basket of baby products—lotions and powder, wipes and diapers, onesies and supersoft towels for after Henry’s bath. The basket was decorated with blue and yellow ribbons and bows and lollipops in the shape of stars.
Stevie presented Sarah with a mini trousseau for her nephew. It consisted of a cap, a jacket, and a pair of pants, all in a supersoft, blue, wide-wale corduroy. “For fall and winter,” she had explained. “I estimated how big he might be by then. The woman in that specialty kids’ shop in Ogunquit helped me.”
Cordelia smiled as Sarah exclaimed over Stevie’s work. “I’m really looking forward to being the fun aunt,” she announced. “You know, the aunt who spoils him rotten and lets him do things he’s not supposed to do. Like, I don’t know, eat candy right before dinner.”
“What about me?” Stevie asked.
“You can be the cool aunt. You can . . . you can do whatever it is cool aunts do!”
“Like, make him fun clothes and teach him how to dye his hair!”
Cindy, seeing the expression on her husband’s face at the mention of a boy using hair color, intervened. “Let’s stick to making him clothes,” she said.
The presents for Sarah were no less special. Stevie had made Sarah a denim shirt that she could wear now as well as after the baby was born. “It’s sort of boho,” she explained. “I know it’s not your style, but I thought it would look really good on you.”
Sarah had thanked her and put it on over her T-shirt. It did look good on her. Cindy thought her younger daughter might someday have a very successful career in fashion design. Imagine that. Then again, there was her skill with cats....
Adelaide and Jack gave Sarah a gift certificate to the day spa in Ogunquit. “I know it’s not something you would ever do for yourself,” Adelaide explained. “But trust me, as a new mother you’re going to need an afternoon of pampering. And I’ll watch the baby for you.”
Cindy and Joe had invested in a small silver circle charm with the initials HJB engraved on it. It was hung on a slim silver chain. Cindy fastened it around her daughter’s neck. “I’ll never take it off,” Sarah declared.
“I was stumped,” Cordelia told the group. “I had no idea what to get Sarah for her last birthday as a—well, is there a word for it, like pre-mother? I really wanted to get something special. But I just couldn’t think of anything perfect. So . . .” She handed Sarah an envelope. “I hope it’s okay.”
Sarah opened the envelope. “It’s a gift card for The Bookworm. Thank you, Cordelia. Really.”
Cordelia shrugged. “But do you think you’re even going to have time to read
once the baby comes? I keep hearing that new parents are sleep deprived and that they never have the time to do the things they love to do, like go to the movies. I’ve even heard that they barely have the time to take regular showers! It sounds like a nightmare. Personally, if I couldn’t shower daily, I’d go mad.”
Cindy thought she saw a flicker of worry cross Sarah’s face. “Don’t worry,” she said firmly. “We’ll make sure Sarah has the opportunity to take a shower. And to read.”
“And to go to the spa,” Adelaide added.
“And to study for exams.” Jack grinned. “Well, I am an educator. I have to mention school, don’t I?”
Joe cleared his throat. “I think it’s time we cut the cake.”
They sang “Happy Birthday.” Jack’s lovely tenor made up for Joe’s mumbling and Cordelia’s off-key screech. Cindy noted that Clarissa had run off the moment the voices had been raised.
“Make a wish, make a wish!” Stevie and Cordelia chanted when the song had ended.
Sarah closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she blew out the seventeen candles in one breath. There was applause all around. Cindy wiped tears from her eyes and saw Adelaide do the same.
“Thanks, everyone,” Sarah said, her eyes shining. “You’ve made this the best birthday ever.”
Chapter 105
“Only a few weeks to go,” Cordelia said. She and Sarah were in Cordelia’s bedroom again. Sarah practically lived at the Kane house these days. Cordelia wondered why she didn’t just sleep there, too. She had suggested as much, but Sarah had said no thanks.
“Assuming I actually make the due date,” Sarah replied. She was lying on the second bed, her feet up on a stack of pillows. “I feel as if I could explode.”
“I know you, Sarah. You’re the most punctual person ever. You’ll have the baby exactly on time.”
“I might be punctual,” Sarah argued, “but that doesn’t mean my body is. The body has a mind of its own. I might not even have the baby until a week or two after my due date.”
“Oh, I know, I know. I’m just being—”
“A good friend.”
“You know, I’ve been thinking. There are advantages to being a young mother.”
“Like what?” Sarah asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Like, you won’t be one of those forty-year-old moms running after a toddler and complaining about all the stuff older moms complain about. You’ll be healthy and strong and have a lot more energy. When the baby is ten, you’ll only be twenty-seven. When he’s eighteen and goes off to college you’ll only be—wait, um . . .” Cordelia did a quick, eye-squinting mental count. “Thirty-five. You’ll have a whole life ahead of you.”
“You’re sweet, trying to find the bright side.”
“Well, someone has to!”
“Just don’t say that people will think we’re brother and sister.”
“They might,” Cordelia said, “if he looks a lot like you. What would be wrong with that?”
Sarah shrugged. “Nothing, I guess. It would just be a reminder that I was a teenage mom. It might embarrass him.”
“Oh.” Cordelia hadn’t thought about that. “What if he looks a lot like Justin?”
“That’ll be a bit weird, I guess. But I’ll love him no matter what. And it’s not like Justin isn’t attractive.”
Cordelia thought that point was debatable. “Do you think you’ll go to the senior prom next spring?” she asked.
“I doubt it. I mean, who would ask me? Who would want to go to a prom with a mom?”
“We could go in a group,” Cordelia suggested. “Not everyone goes with a date.”
“Maybe. But something tells me I just won’t care about the prom.”
“Oh. Because you’ll have this adorable baby at home.”
“I hope I feel that way,” Sarah said fervently. “I hope I’m head over heels in love with him.”
“Why wouldn’t you be?”
“Some women aren’t. I can’t imagine how horrible that must be, not to feel madly in love with your baby.”
This was news to Cordelia. Aside from those mentally ill women who killed their children, she thought that all women loved their children as a matter of course. “So all that stuff about maternal instinct isn’t always true?”
“From what I’ve read, no, it’s not.”
Cordelia remembered what her mother had told her about how painful it had been to give up her baby. She had had plenty of maternal instinct. Cordelia felt a stab of pity for her mother. She had been so young and so alone, having to make a decision no teenager should have to make, the sort of decision that would affect the shape of her future. And now, there was Sarah. . . .
“What about applying for college?” she asked. “Will you wait a year or two?”
Sarah sighed. “I’m not really sure. I guess I won’t know until the baby is here and we all have time to get used to our new life. So much is going to change. . . .”
“So much has already changed.”
“Like my body! I can hardly see my feet. Do you know how weird that is?”
“You’re not fat, you know,” Cordelia pointed out.
Sarah laughed. “I know that! Besides, do you think I’d care about something as trivial as an extra few pounds, especially now?”
“No. I’m the one who freaks about weight!”
“You shouldn’t. But you know that.”
Cordelia shrugged.
“You know, when the condom broke, my first reaction was sheer terror.”
Cordelia was startled. Sarah had never talked about—specifics. “Oh,” she said.
“I’ve never been so scared in my life as I was at that moment. I felt sick to my stomach. I thought I would faint. I thought I would—die. Right there in Justin’s shabby little apartment, just drop dead.”
“What did Justin say?” Cordelia asked, though she wasn’t sure she really wanted to know what the Idiot had said.
Sarah kind of laughed. “He told me to stop crying. He told me that everything was okay. He told me that nothing had, you know, happened. He told me to take a shower and wash really thoroughly. So I did.”
Cordelia felt her cheeks flame. How could Sarah, a straight-A student, the most reasonable person Cordelia knew, have been so naive? “You believed him?” she asked, hoping her tone didn’t betray the tiniest bit of the disappointment she felt in her friend.
Now Sarah blushed. “Yes. I did. I was petrified, Cordelia. I guess at that moment I had to believe him.”
“You poor thing,” Cordelia said, and she meant it.
Each girl lay quietly for a while. Cordelia felt that there was so much still to say and yet, nothing more to be said. It was a weird feeling.
Sarah finally broke the silence. “I feel like that me, back in January, was an entirely different person from this me,” she said. “I feel as if I’ve aged ten years in the past few months.”
“Matured, you mean?” Cordelia asked.
Sarah laughed softly. “Well, I hope so, but I did mean aged. Like as in getting older. And I feel—peaceful. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant. No. Maybe for the first time ever. Really and truly peaceful. It’s amazing.”
Cordelia’s eyes widened. “You’d think that you would feel anything but peaceful, with what’s about to happen!”
“I know. Maybe it’s just that I’ve finally accepted the inevitable. No, it’s more than that. It’s like I feel—happy. Calm.”
“Well, I’m glad for you,” Cordelia said. “Because I’m still a nervous wreck!”
Sarah turned her head to look at Cordelia. “Why? All you have to do is get ready to be the fun aunt. And you’ll be the best fun aunt ever.”
Cordelia grinned. “I know,” she said. “I am good at fun.”
Chapter 106
Sarah had fallen asleep for a while. When she woke, she turned her head to see Cordelia where she had last been, on her own bed and flipping through a fashion magazine.
&nbs
p; “Sorry I dozed off,” she said.
Cordelia turned another page. “It must be exhausting, growing an entire person inside you. Besides, you were only asleep for, like, fifteen minutes.”
Sarah adjusted her position and stretched her legs. She thought she had been dreaming about Justin. Could you actually dream when you had only been asleep for fifteen minutes? Maybe Cordelia was wrong about the time. Anyway, images of Justin had been floating around in her head.
“I never talked to you about this,” she said now, aware that on some level she was talking to herself. “In fact, I never talked to anyone about it. I think that was one of the problems.”
Cordelia sighed dramatically. “Sarah,” she said, “I have no idea where you’re going with this!”
Sarah looked over at her friend. “My feelings for Justin,” she said. “The, um, passion I felt for him.”
Cordelia closed the magazine. “Oh.”
“I didn’t think there was anyone I could talk to about how I felt. I didn’t think anyone would understand the strength of my attraction to Justin, how much I—how much I wanted him. I’m sorry. Is this making you uncomfortable?”
“No,” Cordelia said quickly. “Well, a little. But you should talk, Sarah. What’s there to hide now?”
“The truth was I was really embarrassed about how I felt. It—it isolated me.”
“I never . . .” Cordelia shook her head. “It never occurred to me that you were so into Justin.”
“Well, I was. And the odd thing was that keeping those feelings to myself made them grow even more powerful.”
“Really?”
Sarah nodded. “Absolutely. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’ve figured out that keeping everything such a secret from you and my mom gave all those feelings an irresistible strength. It was like I was cherishing the sense of my feelings being forbidden. Okay, I was the one who decided they were forbidden in the first place, but still. Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter than the fruit it’s okay to eat.”
“Wow,” Cordelia said. “That’s a pretty deep thing to realize about yourself.”
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