by Murphy, V
“You will always be that other woman, Harper. You are useless. A waste of space in the world. Ryder will never love you because you can’t love yourself.”
“What are you talking about? How do you know me? How do you know that I don’t love myself? That could very well not be true,” I huffed.
Damnit, look at me. I was sitting here huffing and yelling at a damn wall in a freaking dream. I swear I needed to check myself into an institution, because crazy was taking over my body.
“HA. HA.” The voice started cackling like an evil witch from a Disney movie. “Harper, you are nothing to Ryder. He will always choose his family before you. Can’t you see that, little girl? He didn’t even initially tell you he was coming out here, but he did anyways.”
What was this…thing talking about?
I paused for a moment, thinking briefly. This thing could have a valid point right now. Ryder initially didn’t even tell me he was coming out to Texas. In fact, he lied to me and didn’t tell me anything at all. I had to find out on my own, and he didn’t think about inviting me. Was it because he was hiding something all along? Was it his plan to hook up with Kylee and fall back in love with his hometown?
“What if you’re right?” God, I really was losing it now. I was trying to reason with a voice in the wall, but I wanted to hear what this thing had to say.
“The truth of the matter is that you will always be the other woman to Ryder. You will always be that woman back in California, but Kylee will be that woman from home. Do you see how that sounds? You will always be the other woman, Harper. A mistress. A slut. Nothing but a waste of space.”
“No, this cant be true. It simply can’t.” I crawled to the corner, sitting and clenched my knees tightly to my chest, heaving in slow breaths. I tried pounding the side of my forehead to wake up. I even picked up the skin around my eyelids to attempt to snap out of this dream.
The harsh reality of all of this was that it was true. I would always be that other woman for Ryder, and nothing more. It was time to face the facts. No matter how hard I tried, or how badly I wanted this, it would never happen. I would never be the woman for Ryder.
I wasn’t going to be the one to remind him of his home, his childhood, his life, and the biggest one—his daughter. He was always going to have that intimate connection with Kylee that I would never be able to achieve. While I was okay with it, it still secretly stung.
Part of it was jealously. I was jealous that I wouldn’t be able to experience that intimate family moment between Evelyn, Ryder, and myself. The fact that I entertained these ideas was obnoxious and juvenile, but love wasn’t going to be the bond that kept us together. It was going to take so much work and effort to even surmise being with Ryder.
I was weak, insecure, and vulnerable. I wanted something comfortable and easy. It was completely ridiculous to think that could happen with Ryder. Nothing was ever easy with Ryder; it was always going to be difficult and frustrating. Between Ryder’s past and mine, nothing was ever going to be the same between us.
When the voice spoke up again, it’s tone changed, and was much gentler and more solemn than earlier. “There is nothing else you can do, Harper. You have to leave him before you end up in the same pattern of running. One word of advice...” There was a dramatic pause for effect.
“When you love somebody, it’s supposed to be easy. You know something is wrong when your relationship becomes hard work.”
With that, the room was lit, and I was sitting in what appeared to be a normal bathroom. There were white walls, a toilet, a shower, and white tiled floors. I was digesting what the mysterious thing said to me, when tears flowed down my face.
When the stream of tears hit the floor, instead of just disappearing, they turned blood-red. As more tears appeared, more blood pooled beneath me.
Why? How was this happening to me? I needed to run away. I needed to go—make this whole thing stop—but I didn’t know how.
I got up and treaded through the redness of the floor, marking up my legs with bloodstains. I pounded on the door, which started to turn red, itself.
“HELP ME! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I screamed, as I continued to cry, and the blood on the floor continued to pool.
As the growing ocean of red increased, I was suddenly covered head to toe with the stains. All I wanted was to make this stop. All of this to stop.
I wanted Ryder out of my life because he was too hard, too complicated, and brought too many memories out from within me. I was struggling with making all of this work, and it was just so much easier without him in my life. These nightmares scared the shit out of me.
I wanted out.
I needed out.
***
My hands were pulsing under me as I searched for the blood-red stains of the bathroom. I was shaking, as if I was having a seizure and my body was in a state of cold shock. I patted the bed around me, hesitant to find out where I was or who surrounded me.
When I realized there was no blood around me, and I wasn’t in a bathroom, I popped my head up to survey the room. The covers were kicked into a pile at the edge of the bed, and the pillows messed up around the sides of the bed.
Holy crap. What just happened to me? Where was I, and what sort of message was trying to be conveyed? Confusion was pounding against my head and I couldn’t wrap my thoughts around what that strange unconscious voice was saying in my dream.
Was I really always going to be that other woman to Ryder? Was I too stupid to realize this before we got involved? I mean, seriously, how had I not seen this coming? Of course he was always going to be with Kylee. She was a part of his family because she was the mother of his child. While I loved him with every fiber of my being, I would never be good enough for him. I was always going to be that other woman.
If not literally, then I would figuratively be stuck in that mistress role. If he wasn’t going to be with Kylee romantically, I would still always come second and be that other person to him, because he would have to put her first. Truthfully, I wasn’t prepared for that. Tye put me second in our relationship, and I didn’t deserve to be there. I wasn’t prepared to put myself second, and I didn’t deserve to have to be put in that position. I was a first-pace kind of gal. Damnit, I should have been treated like a princess, if not a queen.
I guess I was sort of having a moment of what growing up felt like. Intrinsically, I knew I had to move on, and regardless of what my heart was telling me about Ryder, I knew my brain was right in this situation. If this had happened before, when I was still with Tye, I would have let him convince me that everything was actually okay. I would probably have gone back to him, clinging desperately for some sort of emotional connection that I craved.
But this wasn’t me back then, this was the here and now. I didn’t want to be that girl who goes crawling back to their significant other because they crave the closeness and comfort and that’s it. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone just because it’s convenient, or just because its there. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who would make me his everything. I deserved that, didn’t I? After all the shit I had to put up with over so many years with Tye, I knew I fucking deserved it.
Ryder couldn’t be that person for me. There just couldn’t be a possible way for us to be together without everything becoming so complicated and hectic. Our little life we thought we created a few months ago was nothing but a façade, a fake, bullshit love story you read in books, and not real life. This is real life. This is heartache.
I turned over and picked up the covers, and did my best to fluff them and straighten up. I noticed my phone had dropped to the floor. Instinctively, I picked it up and turned it on. There were over thirty missed calls, and a dozen texts, all from Ryder.
“Baby, you saw something that didn’t mean anything.”
“Harper, please pick up the phone I am begging you.”
“I am coming to see you.”
“Don’t do this, Harper. Don’t run away.”
It was almost as if he read my mind. He knew what was running through my thoughts, but I couldn’t let him manipulate me into thinking everything was okay. I grabbed my bag and started to gather my things.
I was getting ready to leave when I heard knocking on the door. I walked over and looked through the peephole, which was black.
“Who is it?” I called out.
“Room Service,” a low male voice responded.
What the heck? I swear I didn’t order any room service. Maybe I did when I was locked in my crazy, subconscious dream world. I carefully peeled the security lock from the door and cracked it open just a tad.
I was quickly thrown back as Ryder busted through and into the small hotel room; sweat was beading on his brow. The rage that burned in his normally cool blue eyes was frightening. His brows were furrowed inward, which showed some of the wrinkles on his forehead. His lips were pursed in a pout, which was so incredibly sexy in a sad sort of way. It took me a moment to react to what was happening, but I felt two strong hands on my wrists. I pulled away and looked at Ryder. His cheeks glistened with a mixture of sweat and tears.
“Harper Mae.” He sighed breathlessly.
“How the heck did you find me?” I asked curiously, with a slight undertone of bitch laced in my voice.
“I paid the guy at the front desk to tell me your room number. When you left at the wedding, I followed you. I couldn’t let you leave. I could never just let you leave me, Harper,” he responded.
“That’s kind of creepy, Ryder.” I said nonchalantly, and pulled away from him as if I was completely uninterested in what he was saying.
I had to get away from him before I let him convince me that everything was going to be okay. I kept thinking of the dream, and what that weird voice was telling me. I was always going to be that second woman for Ryder, and nothing more. Always a mistress, never more.
“What are you doing here, Ryder?” I hissed at him, this time, annoyed that he was even here pretending like fighting for this was going to work.
“Harper, please stop and let me in.” He cried desperately.
“You’re in the room; what else could you fucking want?” I bitched.
“I need to explain what you saw. I need to tell you that everything is okay. What you saw isn’t what you think it was.”
“I know what I saw, Ryder. I saw you kissing Kylee. I saw you sharing an intimate moment with your ex-wife, and that’s enough to see. I don’t need to see anymore than that.”
“But that’s not what happened!” He cried, with tears now being angrily swiped away.
Shit, he almost looked sad and desperate. I almost felt like I needed to go to him. I wanted to hold his trembling body in my arms, and rub my fingers through his dark hair. I wanted desperately to tell him that everything was going to be okay with us. Until I realized it wasn’t going to be okay with us. Nobody was perfect, but our love is to blame. I relied on him. I depended on him to be there for me, but he wasn’t. All I could see was the fact that he was there for Kylee, and not me.
It all started from the very beginning. He was always there for his family, which he should have been, but the least he could have done was talk to me about it all. When he left me at the hotel room when we first met, he should have told me where he was going. It was the first time he took me out on a date, and he abandoned me. He left me there, stuck in the dark, and he was leaving again. This was no different than when we first met.
“It is what happened, Ryder. You left for Texas, the very bane of your existence, without telling me or giving me any clue as to what you were doing. You left me anyways. You are always leaving me. Really, it’s what you’re good at.”
“But—” He tried to interrupt me, but I placed my index finger to his lips to quiet him.
“There is going to be no buts, Ryder. Let me finish, please.”
“Go on.” He beckoned, frustrated because I clearly wasn’t going to let him continue with whatever long-winded speech he had planned on his way here.
“You came out here after telling me repeatedly how hard it would have been to come back to Texas, and didn’t tell me you were even planning on coming out here. I couldn’t be here to support you, which upset me. Of course I wanted to be out here, but when you brought it up, you told me to stay in California. I would have come on the first plane out if you asked me, but you never even asked. It hurt me.” Tears spilled from my eyes, and I turned my face away with wet pain. A pain that was very familiar to me. A pain that told me to leave. It was time.
“Baby…” He tried to walk over to me, but I pushed him away, and he understood and sat back down.
“It didn’t end there, Ryder. I wish it ended at the fact that you were just coming out here that upset me. The fact of the matter is that the minute you got here, you ended up sleeping with your ex-wife.” He looked defensive, as if he was going to say something about that, but I cut him off quickly.
“I know it was just in the same bed and nothing happened, but do you realize how horribly wrong that is? Do you realize that regardless if you had sex with her or not, how much you cracked my heart in two when you called me to tell me that? It absolutely broke me, so I got on a plane here. I got on a plane to surprise you, and well, quite frankly, we know how that turned out. I was the one surprised.”
“I get that you have a daughter, Ryder. I understand that you will always put her first; and I also know that I won’t know that feeling until I have children myself. That doesn’t mean that you have to have that same emotional connection with your ex-wife. I know that much. I am a naturally jealous person, and that’s just a flaw that I know I have. I could work on it, but I think anyone would be disgusted with your behavior.”
“I know, Harper. It was wrong of me. I’m totally aware of it. But, please…don’t leave me,” he begged, as he grabbed my wrist.
I shook him off and continued, “Then I come here, so excited that I was finally going to be able to surprise you, and what do I see?!” I screamed at him.
“I see you with your stupid ex-wife, holding each other, and you are kissing her on the forehead. You KNOW how much I love that, right? You know how I thought it was our special thing—to kiss each other on the forehead. It was such a ‘fuck-you’ to our relationship. You sharing our special moment with another woman.”
“Harper, that’s not how…”
I couldn’t let him continue. I was heated, and anger was coursing through my veins. It felt almost like there was a large gaping hole in my soul and he kept prodding it with a knife.
“No. FUCK YOU, Ryder!” That pretty much summed up how I felt. There wasn’t really much more I could say or do. I wanted him out of this tiny little hotel room. But, I continued my word-vomit assault, all while watching his face morph through a range of different emotions. I wanted nothing to do with this piece of shit.
He shared our personal and private moments with other people, and I was getting so fucking sick of his shit. I was sick of having to share myself with the world. When I was with Tye, I was shared with the abuse I had to encounter. I was sick of sharing myself with pasts.
I had worked very hard to not share myself with Ryder, but he was still sharing me with Kylee. I felt like I had to work to steal him from his past, and I wasn’t sure if I had the gusto in me to continue fighting for him. Essentially, his past was going to win and take him away from me.
“Fuck you for going back to your ex-wife. Fuck you for making me confess everything to you and then go stab me in the back…again. Fuck you for having an ex-wife in general, who you can’t seem to get away from. Just, seriously, get the fuck out of here, because I can’t do this anymore. It’s over, and I don’t want to do anything else with you. I want nothing to do with you anymore. I have to leave.” Tears were spilling down my face now, and my hands were shaking beneath my solid composure.
“Don’t say that, Harper! I can’t lose you. I don’t know where I would be without you. All I wanted to do was come back hom
e to you and tell you everything that happened with my family and this trip. I was stupid and thought I could do all of this without you, but I realized I can’t. I cannot live without you. I don’t know how to breathe without thinking about you. You are the center of my world. No, you are the center of my universe. I am sorry for hurting you. You know I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I just thought…” he wanted to keep going, but I interrupted him.
“You thought nothing. That’s the problem, Ryder. You didn’t think about shit.”
“No, in fact, I was thinking about Evelyn. I thought that when she grows up, she would want one simple picture of her family. A picture of her, her mother, and her father in one frame. That’s what I was thinking,” he said, as he gently laid his hands on top of mine, which were fidgeting in my lap.
“But you could have easily taken that photo without kissing her on the forehead. You knew how much that gesture meant to me,” I cried, desperate for him to know how much that small thing pained me.
“I know it was wrong of me, Harper, but I can’t lose you.” He dropped down from the bed, and was on his knees in front of me. I looked up from my hands, and glanced at his face. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, and his hair was fluffed all around his face from constantly raking his hands through it. He had slight lines on his lips, which were turned downwards. He looked…sad. Really, that’s the only way I could describe his features. He looked pained, as if at any moment I was going to run and never come back…which was true. I was going to leave.
I had to leave.
“I have to go, Ryder. I can’t do this to myself anymore. There’s just too much pain, and it’s just not worth it. I am so used to going back to the person who hurts me the most, but this time, I am trying to be independent and a bigger person. I am looking out for myself for once in my life; and with that, I have to go. I just simply can’t.”
Ryder got up and started pacing the small hotel room.
“Harper, my life is all about you. And if you just left me, you would rip a small part of my heart out and take it with you.” He came over to me after pacing back and forth a few times.