by Shan
Maybe, it was time for me to accept that and worry about protecting my heart and our child from him. I quickly took the back of my hand and dried my tears.
“You got blood on your shoes,” I said, as I pointed to his shoes. He looked down, before he shrugged it off, and placed more of his belongings inside of his bag. “I guess this is it, huh?”
“This what you wanted, right? You cried and bitched about every muthafuckin’ thing you wanted me to change and I did that shit. I tried to be a good nigga to you and you let some bitch ass hoe come fuck that up, so fuck it. I’m out.”
“So, what you trying to say? I don’t have a right to get mad about you fucking Tameeka and getting her pregnant?”
“I fucked that hoe in the fuckin’ car, and that shit lasted all of five fuckin’ minutes before me and your ass got back together. I don’t give a fuck about that slut!” Cassidy yelled, causing me to jump back.
I looked at him with so much anger and hurt in my eyes. I so badly wanted for him to tell me that it wasn’t true, that she was lying, and that I didn’t hear him correctly at his party.
Tears flooded my eyes, and I rushed towards the closet and started snatching his clothes from the hangers and shelves and started throwing shit at him. He was moving too slow for me.
I can’t believe this nigga. In his fuckin’ car? The same car that he had me riding around in? The thought of it sent me into a rage, and I grabbed one of Cassidy’s Timberland boots from the floor and chunked it at the back of his head. He ducked down and sucked his teeth, after the boot clocked him one good time and fell onto the floor.
“Yea, that’s another reason I gotta get away from your ass. That’s your last muthafuckin’ time, Tangie, hitting me before I knock the fuck outta your disrespectful ass!” Cassidy yelled, and I knew, by the sound of his voice, that he was serious. I walked over to him, and he looked down at me before he zipped his bag up and tossed it over his shoulder.
“Yea, I hope you and that hoe be happy! Since she obviously can do more for you than I can.”
“You sound so fuckin’ stupid right now! The fuck I look like being with a bitch I slaughtered in my fuckin’ car. Get your ass out my damn face with that dumb shit.”
Cass tried to move around me, but I stepped in front of him to stop him from leaving. I hated this shit. I hated that I was fighting with my emotions, and the way that I felt about him. I knew that I should let him go. Go and be with whoever it was that he wanted to be with, because I knew that I deserved better, but damn, I loved the hell out of this nigga. He was the only man I had ever loved; especially, being that I hadn’t been with many guys.
“You just wanna fight,” Cass said, as he chuckled and then sighed.
He reached down and touched my stomach before he looked into my eyes and me into his. Cass was so handsome to me. His eyes always turned me on in ways that were indescribable. His brown skin was usually smooth, but today, I had noticed that there were a few blemishes that had broken out onto his cheek.
I brought my hand up to caress the side of Cass’ face, and he closed his eyes briefly, before he sucked his teeth and pushed my hand down. It was so hard not breaking down in front of him. I had tried hard as hell, but this all was just tearing me apart. Maybe it was all the extra hormones raging through my bloodstream. Whatever it was, I just couldn’t stop the pain that poured from my eyes.
“Take care of the kid, you hear me? All this crying and stressing can’t be good for him. I’m just giving you what you want. If I can’t be that man that you want, then what the fuck am I staying around for? Just chill…you’ll be good in a few days. You know I got you on the bills and shit like that, so don’t even worry about nothing,” Cassidy told, me as he gently pushed me to the side and walked out of the door. As soon as I heard the front door close, and him backing out of the driveway, I knew that it was really over again. I had really lost my soul mate when I hadn’t even done anything wrong.
I took the back of my hand and wiped my face before going over to my purse and pulling my cell phone out. I needed to see and talk to Cuba. I knew that she was going through her own shit, but I needed someone to help me through this right now.
“Hey,” I said into the phone once Cuba answered.
“What’s up? You okay?” Cuba asked, sounding concerned.
“Cassidy…he left me. Why do I feel so fucked up inside about it? I didn’t even do anything to him. Why am I so hurt right now?” I cried, balling over as if I was in pain.
“Nooo…Tangie don’t cry. Look, I’m gonna get the nanny that Khi hired to watch the kids, and I’m coming over right now. I’ll be there shortly,” Cuba said, and I nodded as if she could see me before I hung up the phone.
I tried to compose myself and headed to the kitchen to make Cuba and I some tea and some shit to eat on, that wouldn’t make us sick. The both of us being pregnant, and more than likely having our babies around the same time, excited me in a sense. I knew that, once I got over my heartache and saw my child for the first time, I would be even happier about this pregnancy. Right now, things were so fucked up that it was hard for me to even smile about the life that was growing inside of me. I didn’t want my pregnancy to be this way, though, because this was exactly the way it was the last time when I ended up losing the baby, and there was no way I could go through that again.
I made Cuba and I some green tea that I got from the health food store. It was supposed to be good for nausea from what I read about on the internet. I then made us up a nice pot of broccoli soup that my mother used to make for me back when I was a little girl. She would swear it was the cure to every sickness that I ever caught, and whether it really worked or not was still a mystery to me. I just knew that after eating a bowl of it, the following day, I was ten times better, and forgetting that I was ever sick in the first place. I knew that my mother’s broccoli soup recipe wasn’t the cure to morning sickness, but if it could make me feel better, even if for just a few minutes, then shit, I wasn’t complaining.
It was going to take a little while before the soup was ready, so I grabbed two cups and the tea I had prepared and brought it over to the coffee table in my living room. Soon as I was about to sit down, the doorbell rang, and I made my way over to answer the door.
“Hey,” I said, after I pulled the door open and saw Cuba standing on the other side.
“Hey, babe,” she said to me. We hugged briefly before she walked inside, and I closed and locked the door behind her. “Damn, it smells good in here.”
“Made us a pot of broccoli soup and some green tea I got at the health food store. They claimed that it helps with morning sickness, so I figured that, since I couldn’t even work because of the way that I was feeling, I would try this shit out before I lose all my damn clients.”
“Girl, this time is just as bad as the last time for me. I can barely get out of bed, but I didn’t even care today. I was going crazy in that house with Khi watching over me like a fuckin’ hawk. Ughhh,” Cuba whined, as she crashed on the sofa.
“He’s concerned, Cuba. And I’m sure he feels bad about what happened. I wanted to kill his ass the other day, but then I had to remember that it wasn’t his fault. I just hoped he, at least, beat the fuck out of Briana for that shit though,” I said and saw as Cuba rolled her eyes and pulled a bag of weed and a cigar from her purse. I didn’t say anything, but I was somewhat concerned, as I watched her began to roll herself a blunt.
“I don’t know what he did to the bitch, but I do know that once I see that hoe, I’m going to kill her. I never did anything to that girl but be the mother to her kid that she refused to be. Anything else, she should’ve taken up with Khi. I swear, Tangie, I’m going to put a bullet in her. I swear to God,” Cuba said, and I watched as she bit down on her lip to prevent herself from crying.
“How do you feel…you know...”
“I’m fine! I just wish people would stop asking me that! I’m fine! I don’t want or even think about getting high…unless it’s so
me damn weed. Khi is getting on my damn nerves. He follows me around the damn house all the fuckin’ time, and when he’s not home, he’s calling and texting me, what seems like, every five damn minutes. This shit is driving me crazy.”
“Did you tell him how you feel?” I asked her, and she shook her head and fired up the blunt that she had been rolling up.
“No, because then, he gets mad at me for getting at him for the way he is treating me. I know what he’s doing, which is why I don’t want him to even fuckin’ touch me. He thinks I’m gonna go and get high, and that really fuckin’ hurts after I told him that I wasn’t even thinking about that shit. Then, he got a damn nanny and a maid and wonders why I don’t even fuckin’ come out the room.”
“You need to tell him, Cuba. Tell him to leave you alone and let you live. Tell him that, if you feel the need or want to get high, then you will let him know, and he doesn’t have to be on you like that. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel.”
“I want to, but I’m still so mad at him. I love him, but I just feel like I wanna go. Like, I don’t wanna be with him anymore. This wouldn’t have ever happened if he had just listened to me about Briana when I tried to tell him a long fuckin’ time ago. Damn,” Cuba said, as she wiped her face and took a pull from her blunt. “I’m sorry. You called me over here to talk about your problems, and I’ve been talking about myself since I walked through the door. Sorry cuz.”
I laughed. “Actually, listening to you made me realize that I been crying over some bullshit for days. My problems don’t seem so bad once I think about it.”
Cuba laughed too. “Because they’re not. You’re mad at Cass for sleeping with that bitch. At first, I was like damn, that’s some hoe ass shit, but I overheard him talking to Khi the other night, and I could feel what he was saying.”
“What you mean?” I said, as I frowned, cocked my head to the side, and stared at Cuba.
“You and him wasn’t even together when he had sex with Tameeka. I mean, if he didn’t sleep with her or anyone else while y’all were together, then why are you mad? So what if she’s gonna have a baby by him. You and this nigga got this pretty ass house, a kid on the way too, and he wanted to marry you. That’s why that night Briana did that hoe ass shit, I was like, why the fuck do I need to fight her? I had already won. I had everything she wanted, and it was killing her on the inside.”
“I guess,” I said, as I sighed and rolled my eyes. “You always giving good advice even though you know you wouldn’t take it yourself.”
Cuba laughed. “Fuck you, yes I would. I would act dumb for a good while, but in my mind, I would already know what I was going to do in the end.”
“Do you think you need to be smoking that shit, Cuba?”
“Oh, my God! Not you too!”
“I’m just saying…you’re pregnant now. I wasn’t talking about anything else.”
“Yea you were… just like everybody else. You think I don’t know that I’m pregnant. I would never do anything to harm my damn child. My first time smoking a blunt since I found out I’m pregnant simply, because I need to calm my nerves, and I know that it’ll make this nausea go away, and you wanna say something? Let me get the fuck outta here before I have to curse you the hell out,” Cuba said before she stood up and snatched her purse from the couch.
“I didn’t mean anything by it, Cuba,” I said, as I sighed. “You didn’t even try the tea.”
“Fuck your tea,” Cuba hissed before she pulled the door open, walked out, and slammed the door behind her.
Chapter 8
Cuba
I skirted out of Tangie’s driveway and sped down the street before quickly turning out of her neighborhood. I just wanted to get away and away from everybody. I was so damn annoyed that I felt like I was going to burst. I understood that everyone was concerned, but damn, how many times did I have to say that I wasn’t thinking about getting high. Shit! Sticking a needle in my damn arm was the last thing on my mind. Yea, I often wondered if I would get that feeling, that urge to want to chase after the high that I felt that night, but it had been days and that feeling had yet to come; I had no problem speaking the fuck up if it did.
I just wanted to move on from this shit. I was so sick of Khi watching over me like I was a little ass kid that couldn’t be trusted and left alone. I had never felt so enclosed and trapped in my damn life, and hell, if I was thinking about getting laced, he would be the one that gave me that push to do so. He just didn’t know how much him treating me like this was making me hate him. I couldn’t even look at him the same, and that was why I didn’t want him to put his hands on me. He was acting like I was some druggie going through rehab and that hurt like hell to know that he viewed me that way. I had never done anything other than weed in my life and that was how I always wanted it to be.
After driving around in circles for, what seemed like, hours, I pulled into the cemetery where Alaska had been buried and parked my car on the outside of the gate. I knew that they closed the gates at sunset, and seeing as how it was close to the sun setting, I decided to walk to Alaska’s plot instead of driving to it. These graveyard workers didn’t have no manners and would lock a muthafucka up in here in a minute.
It took me a few minutes to find where Alaska had been buried at; I had only been out here a couple of times. Once, I had come alone when I just needed to talk to my sister, and the second time, I brought her son out here. Alaska and I used to be so close before she was murdered. I could talk to her about anything, and even though her ass didn’t tell me every damn thing, she did tell me a lot about her life. She would ask me for advice, and I would do the same with her. The kind of relationship Tangie and I had now was the same I had with my big sister, and I missed the hell out of her.
Once I made it to her tombstone, I sat down in front of her before staring at the words that were engraved in the cement of her headstone. Seeing it was a constant reminder of why I didn’t come out here too much. Alaska Renee Lance Sunrise September 21, 1990 Sunset December 11, 2010, Beloved Daughter and Mother. It was like my parents were making sure that they said fuck me in every way that they could. Fuck the fact that Alaska had a sister that she loved, and that she would want people to know that. It was sad as hell, but I tried not to let that get to me. At least they didn’t do no shit like bury her somewhere where I wasn’t allowed to visit her.
“Bry’s ass is getting so big,” I said, as I sighed. “It’s like the moment since we found out that he was really Dae’s, he grew two inches and started to look more and more like that nigga. Girl, I wish you could see him, but I’m sure you’re looking down on him. Khi’s been pushing for me to take the steps to get his name changed, but I just don’t want no drama with mama them. And what the hell am I going to name him anyway?
The only reason I didn’t see to it that that nigga didn’t go to jail for what he did to you is because, no matter how I feel about Dae, Bry needs his father. Khi thinks I did that shit for him, but it was really because I know that Bry is gonna grow up and want to know about his daddy, and it would be cool if Dae could be around to tell him himself. Not sure if I would trust Bry being alone with Dae yet, but Khi and I talked about it, and I know that now that Dae is out the hospital, they’re gonna meet really soon.
That scares me, but I know that Khi would never let anything happen to BJ. He loves Bry as if he was his own. He treats him just as good as he does Skylarr.”
I sighed and brought my hand up to my stomach thinking about my own child that would be here before the year was up. I had mixed emotions about this pregnancy. Part of me wanted to get an abortion, because I didn’t know if that heroin that Briana pushed into me would harm my child in any way, and I didn’t want him or her to come into this world suffering because of it. However, I knew that there was also a possibility that it would be just fine, and that I was going to get my second chance at being a mother again. I wanted to be happy about it, but the fear I felt wouldn’t allow me to.
“You
’re gonna have a niece or nephew soon, even though Khi swears up and down it’s a boy. He always says that though. Like I was put here on this earth to have his sons and shit,” I chuckled. “A little boy would be good for BJ’s ass, though. He needs that balance, because so far, them damn Princes ain’t got nothing but girls. BJ is the only damn boy. I would love to have a boy, but damn…what if he comes out all fucked up?”
Tears slid down my face, and just as I went to wipe them away, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I already knew that it was either Khi or Tangie calling me. When I slid the phone out, Khi’s name lit up the screen, and I quickly answered it. I knew that, if I didn’t, it would only piss him off and have his ass worrying about me.
“Hello,” I answered, and I could hear Khi sighing on the other end of the line.
“Where the fuck you at, Cuba?” Khi barked, and I closed my eyes and ran my hand across my face.
“Why?” I said, stubbornly.
“Why the hell you wanna play with me? Where are you? Tell me where you at so I can come and get you now!”
“No! No, Khi, I’m not telling you where I’m at. As a matter of fact, I’m not coming back until you leave me the fuck alone! Damn, don’t you see what this shit is doing to me? Why are you treating me like I’m some type of druggie that’s gonna steal all your money and run off to get high with it. I don’t wanna get high, Khi! I don’t. I haven’t even thought about it. The only thing I’m worried about is this damn baby in my stomach, and you don’t even care about that.”
“What the fuck you mean I don’t care? You, the kids, and that baby is all I care about.”
“Do you want me to lose this baby too, Khi?”
“Why would you ask me some shit like that?”
“Cause that’s what’s gonna happen if you keep treating me like this. You’re stressing me out so much, and you make me feel so bad every time you look at me like you’re so disgusted with me. You look at me like I’m Briana, and I’m not her. I just wanna forget about it. I just wanna forget it ever happened. Please?” I begged, and I could hear Khi sighing on the other end.