by Alyssa Aaron
She bit her lip feeling shaken and unsteady.
"All I've asked you to do, Kara, is tell me why you are unhappy. If you can do that then spanking can stay off the table. If not—"
Kara dipped her head and squeezed her eyes closed. She felt small and empty. Trapped.
He sighed and lifted his hand to stroke her cheek. She tipped her cheek into his palm, longing for the trust that she used to feel when he palmed her cheek. There was no sudden shaft of warmth, no sudden shaft of trust, only grief and loss that swept through her filling every part of her.
She wished to hell she could feel the trust, the warmth, the love and stability she used to feel when he touched her so gently, but she couldn't feel any of it. Now there was fear; fear that he'd make her see the shrink; fear that in the end he wouldn't be able to deal with her past, whether she saw the shrink or not; fear that he was grasping at straws with the shrink more because he couldn't deal with her past than because she couldn't.
She shuddered. More than anything else she feared that he'd walk away and leave her alone. She didn't want to be alone.
"Just tell me what's wrong, honey. I know you're not happy. Tell me why and let me make it better."
She felt his gaze upon her, felt his palm against her cheek, heard the soft baritone notes of his voice. She wanted to remain strong. She wanted the anger, the fear, and the pain she felt to stand strong as an insurmountable wall of protection against her fragile emotional center, but the walls began to crumble. As much as she wanted them to protect her delicate emotional middle from additional pain she couldn't keep them in place.
She hurt. He knew that she hurt and at least on some level he cared. The knowledge that he cared made the pain that filled her all the more stark, all the more sharp.
She dipped her head, biting her lip in an effort to keep her tears at bay. She swallowed hard against the tide of emotion as he tipped her chin, forcing her to meet his steady gaze.
"Please Slade, I don't want to do this. I want to finish cooking supper and go to bed. I don't feel good."
He lifted his palm, pressing it against her forehead as his eyes studied her with concern. “That'd ordinarily be fine Kara. But you don't seem to have a fever and you've been forlorn and sullen for the better part of two weeks. I don't think it is something that going to bed will fix."
She swallowed against the tightness in her throat and lowered her gaze to the floor.
"I have asked you to tell me what's wrong, not once but half a dozen times in the past two weeks. Each time I've asked you've told me nothing is wrong or you've tried to avoid me.
I'm out of patience honey. I am not prepared to let things fester any longer.” He stroked her cheek with the pad of his thumb.
She felt a tingle of awareness, a longing for the gentleness and the strength that had always been such a part of him.
"I don't believe whatever it is that's bothering you will magically get better on its own. You've become more and more withdrawn, more and more sad."
He looked at her as if he was waiting for an answer, but she didn't have one.
"I don't want to punish you for being in a bad mood or for being upset over something. I want to understand why you are upset so that we can sort it out."
"Please Slade,” she begged. “Just leave it alone. I don't want to talk about it."
"No Kara.” He said, his voice firm. “Just ignoring it is not an option."
"Please Slade.” She dipped her head, wanting to avoid his gaze, wanting to hide within herself as she had when she was seven, but all she felt was the same overwhelming loss she'd felt when she was seven and her daddy had died.
"No honey, I'm sorry, but this is not spilling into another day."
Her chest felt tight, constricted. She knew he was right, she knew she should talk to him but she couldn't. She didn't know where to start, what to say. The feelings were so dark, so bleak, so tangled up inside her that she no longer knew where one feeling began and another ended. The feelings were so strong and so dark that there was a sense that if she didn't push them down deep and keep them there they would overwhelm her and tear her to shreds. She couldn't bear to be any weaker, any more damaged than she already was.
"I know whatever is bothering you must seem overwhelming.” He sighed. “I will do anything I can to help, but I can't help if I don't know what's wrong."
She stared at the floor, despair filling her. If only she could believe that he would be there, but she didn't.
He'd been with her less than two months and already he was casting her to psychiatrists, wanting them to fix her. She knew already what would happen when a couple months of talk therapy didn't cure her. He'd be frustrated and abandon her, the same as everyone else had.
She was numb, mentally, physically numb. She expected if he spanked her it would add another level to the misery she already felt, but she couldn't really imagine how it would be much worse. She didn't really care anyway.
She studied the pattern of the floor tile. She was just too emotionally tired, too emotionally devastated to care what he did to her.
She figured if he spanked her, when he was done he'd let her finish dinner and go to bed. She wondered if the spanking was a small price to pay.
"Which is it going to be Kara?” His voice was firm and yet held a thread of gentleness that stirred up a flurry of butterflies that filled her stomach. She wanted to reach out, to trust the gentleness inherent in his voice, but she couldn't. She felt only despair where the trust should be. “Just spank me and get it over with, if that's what you want,” she said softly, her eyes still glued to the floor.
"It's not what I want Kara,” he said softly. “What I want is for you to tell me what's wrong. Are you going to do that?"
She shook her head slowly. “I can't, I don't know where to start,” she whispered brokenly.
She thought back to when he'd told her that a spanking was something he'd do for her because it would be good for her, because it would help clear the emotional air, help make her feel better after she'd felt bad. She hoped there was something about the act that would break her out of the dark emotional space she was in. She hated the bleakness, the grief, the anguish that surrounded her but she had no real hope of anything breaking her out.
His heart clenched at her words, so soft, so bereft. He wished to hell he could take the emotional load from her, but he couldn't if he didn't even know what was bothering her. The words and the way she'd said them touched something deep within him. He didn't want to spank her, at least not like this, not when she looked and sounded so completely and utterly sad that looking at her made his heart ache.
She hadn't left him much choice though. They were at an impasse. She wouldn't talk about what was bothering her and he couldn't help without knowing what was hurting her.
He thought back to what he'd told her about spanking on their honeymoon. He'd told her it was something he would to help her, to take care of her. That was especially true in this case.
He didn't want to spank her, yet it was his duty as her master to take care of her, to provide guidance and strength, to keep her safe in his care. He could either accept her decision to remain silent and let the distance between them fester and her depression deepen, which would do nothing to help her, or he could use the purposeful infliction of physical pain to systematically break down the walls until there were no walls between them, until he knew exactly what was bothering her and could do what was necessary to set things right.
He looked at her, noting the dark circles beneath her eyes and the listless emptiness within them. The utter desolation that clung to her like a heavy coat cemented his decision. She'd had 2 weeks to do things her way and it she'd only become more and more despondent. He had already let it carry on longer than he should. There was no way he was going to let it carry into another day.
"Kara, honey, I don't care where you start, or what is wrong,” he said pulling her against him and nuzzling the top of her head. “I'm not looking
for pretty words. Start at the beginning or at the end, or hell, start in the middle. I don't care. Just tell me what's wrong. Tell me why you are so unhappy."
She shook her head, burying her face against his chest.
"Please, just spank me and get it over with. I don't want to talk about it."
Her words hung in his mind. He hated the misery that coated her voice. He remembered how fearful she'd been of being spanked when they'd talked about it on their honeymoon and he wondered if spanking her was the right thing to do.
He knew that in the right circumstances, done the right way, it could be cathartic. He knew it could help release pent up emotions. But with her, with her history, her fears, he worried that it had the potential to bring on another panic attack. He hoped to hell it didn't, but wondered if even a panic attack would be better than the despair and despondence. At least the panic attacks had a focus. There was something specific that triggered it. “This isn't the way I wanted it,” he said softly as he took her hand and led her into the living room.
Chapter 24
"Clothes off,” he ordered as he removed his long wool coat and laid it on the back of a chair. He watched as Kara fidgeted with the hem of her sweater. He slipped off his suit jacket and laid it atop his coat. Then he removed his tie and added it to the pile. Next he removed his cuff links and laid them on the end table. He stood watching her, his fingers deftly rolling up his shirt sleeves as he watched her.
When he was finished Kara still stood before him, her teeth worrying her lower lip, her fingers crimping the lower edge of her sweater as she shifted nervously from foot to foot. He wondered if she was reconsidering, if she was trying to put the words together, trying to figure out how to explain what was wrong. He hoped she was. He'd give anything to be spared the task of spanking her.
The task he'd once thought of as sexual intoxication was not sexual, or pleasant at all in this instance. It would not be a playful spanking given as sexual foreplay. He didn't expect it to be fun. He was not looking forward to it at all.
It would be hard, painful, intended to compel her to talk when he knew she didn't want to. He wasn't looking forward to purposefully inflicting pain, even though he believed that the situation made it necessary.
He opened a drawer in the lamp table and pulled out a thick wooden paddle with holes in it and tossed it onto the middle cushion of the couch before he turned back to Kara.
She still stood in the middle of the room, fiddling with her sweater.
He moved to her, feeling sympathy rise in his chest. “I said clothes off,” he reminded her. “Are you having second thoughts? Do you want to talk instead?"
She shook her head, her gaze still pinned to the floor as she pulled her sweater off over her head. She bit her lip, tears squeezing through her lashes as her fingers went to the fastening of her jeans.
His heart felt heavy, constricted in his chest as he watched her step out of the jeans. She looked so small and defenseless, so miserable, as she stood before him in her pink cotton bra and panties.
"Come here,” he said softly wanting to hold her and make everything right.
He watched as she moved slowly toward him, hating the hesitancy with which she moved and the knowledge that she felt no pleasure in this.
When she stood nervously in front of him he pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her, anchoring her to him. She buried her face in his chest as he stroked her hair. “I love you honey. I want you to understand that I'm going to spank you because I love you, and because it is part of the role I accepted when you asked me to be your Master. This is your last chance."
She shook her head sharply against his chest and pressed her face more tightly against him. He stroked her hair, everything in him recoiling against the idea of spanking her.
He swallowed hard and gathered his determination, determined to give her what she needed to break down the emotional walls she'd erected between them. He stepped back away from her, stroking her hair back away from her face, wiping at the tears that wetted her cheeks with his thumbs. His heart felt like lead in his chest as he accepted her decision.
Leading her by the hand he moved to the couch and sat down in the middle. Looking up to meet her sorrow filled gaze he tugged her down, moving her into position across his lap.
"I'm sorry your choices are making this necessary,” he said softly. He rubbed his hand lightly over the globes of her panty covered bottom.
She didn't move, she didn't put up a fuss, she didn't resist. Quite simply, she submitted, and yet he knew it was only a physical submission.
"Submission is more than just physical, Kara,” he said softly. “Sometimes it means opening yourself up, being emotionally vulnerable when you don't want to be. You asked me to be your master, you said you wanted me to care for all the parts of you, and yet you are keeping me at arms length, making it impossible for me to care for you emotionally."
He rubbed her bottom.
"I don't think that you mean to do it, but it isn't acceptable. I want it all honey, your body, your mind, your feelings. I'm going to spank you to help you get back in touch with the submissive part of yourself.” He continued to stroke her bottom through her panties.
"I know you are upset and unhappy. I've given you lots of chances to tell me why and every time I ask you refuse to say.” He lifted the paddle, holding it against her ass where his hands had stroked, giving her time to become accustomed to its size and shape and the weight of it.
"I'm not happy about having to spank you, but I will do it because it is part of the role you gave me when you asked me to be your Master.” He stroked her hair. “All I've asked you to do is tell me why you're unhappy so we can fix whatever is wrong."
She closed her eyes, her heart aching.
He massaged her shoulders, his hands sliding down her back toward the curve of her bottom. She wanted to lift her bottom, to welcome his touch. She wanted warmth to swell within her. She wanted the warm tender intimacy that they had shared before but it was not there. There was only a bleak feeling of impending loss and grief.
He lifted the paddle and brought it down hard against her left cheek. The sting was sharp and radiated outward from where the paddle had connected. It hurt, but the pain was not unbearable. She kept the small gasp locked tight inside.
"We've shared a lot in the short time we've been together. My love has never wavered. There is nothing you could tell me that would make me love you any less."
Her mind grasped onto his words, her subconscious mind arguing that he was already trying to foist her off onto a therapist.
He spanked her again, harder this time. The pain that seared into her flesh made her jerk and gasp. She longed to beg him to stop as the fresh pain blazed across her bottom.
"This isn't because I'm angry with you honey. It's because the course you've chosen isn't good for you or for us."
Kara bit her lip tasting the metallic taste of blood as she tried to hold her tears at bay. The gentle, matter of fact tenor of his words only made her feel worse, more alone.
She felt him shift, placing his leg atop hers and exerting steady pressure on her back he pinned her across his lap. Once he had her captive he struck her hard on the left cheek of her bottom. The sound of the paddle reverberated in the room intensifying the streak of pain that ripped across her ass cheek.
She hadn't been prepared for the bolt of pain. Tears filled her eyes. She was shocked that the pain was so much more intense than the first two swats had been. Pain radiated through her bottom making her want to cry out in shock in pain. She didn't want to believe Slade would hurt her like this.
Four spanks and already her ass blazed. She bit her lip harder as another stroke fell in the same spot.
"Ow,” she screamed feeling helpless as Slade's legs trapped hers and his hand pressed down against her back, keeping her in position.
"This is a punishment spanking. I intend for it to hurt. It's the price of childish, disobedient behavior, and it wil
l continue to be the price of that kind of behavior for as long as we are married,” Slade said as another hard swat fell.
She winced, jerking as pain exploded high on her left ass cheek.
Tears squeezed past her eyelashes and fell on her cheek. The spanking intensified the bleak despair that filled her. That he was purposely inflicting pain, purposely hurting her rather than loving her, unleashed a torrent of deep emotional sadness.
The spanking had a surreal quality, like it couldn't be happening, and yet the pain of the spanks were sharp, so intense she screamed as the paddle connected with her thigh.
"You can decide whether you want to continue to be obstinate and stubborn or whether you want to straighten up and address things like a grown up,” he said, adding another stroke atop the one that still sizzled through her thigh.
She shrieked, at the intensity of the pain that singed her. A bleak barren feeling, like standing at the abyss completely alone, forced to face everything alone swamped her, loosening the tight control she'd kept on her emotions.
Panic erupted. I can't do it all alone. I don't want to do it all alone.
Another stroke, this one harder than all the others connected with her ass. She gasped, and cried out, desperation to avoid the stinging blows filling her. She struggled in his grasp, trying to roll away from him, trying to get to her feet, but Slade kept her pinned across his lap.
"I'm sorry. I know it hurts."
Tears ran in rivulets down her face. She wanted it to end.
"It hurts,” she sobbed lost not only in the intense pain of the spanking but also in the soul deep pain of being alone with only herself to rely on. She had depended on him to protect her, to love her, yet he was the one inflicting the pain that ravaged her ass. She thought of the gentle way he had made love to her and struggled to equate the gentleness he'd shown then with the purposeful infliction of pain now.
"You know how to make it stop,” Slade said as another stroke fell across her other thigh.