I’m actually worried that she doesn’t like me. That she might be playing me.
That makes me furious.
What are her motives? Is this all about work and money? I find it tremendously insulting that she could look into my eyes the way she does and not feel anything. The way we just fucked, the intensity when our bodies come together, surely, no one could fake that!
But here I am, up in the middle of the night, freaking out. Working myself up into a state. Shit, I’m like one of those losers I’m always making fun of.
I feel vulnerable.
And I hate it.
I can feel myself getting into a towering rage. I get up and pace by the window, trying not to look at Jane. I know if I do, I won’t be able to think clearly. Maybe that’s impossible, anyway, but when I look at her, all rational thought goes out the window.
So, I keep my eyes focused firmly outside, thinking dark thoughts.
This might not have been a good idea in any way, shape, or form. I don’t like feeling this way, and I want everything to go back to the way it was before. Nice and simple, girls to fuck, cocktails to drink, parties to be had.
I didn’t think about this at all. I mean, I don’t think about things a whole lot. So, this is no surprise. This is the first time I really feel I’ve gotten in over my head. How the hell did I think I could clean up a mess by making an even bigger one?
Mixed up in all of this, where my urge to flee begins to overpower everything else, there is a feeling I wasn’t expecting.
Fear.
That if I flee, get out of this whole tangle, I’ll hurt Jane. I’ll never see her again. She’ll be pissed at me. Unless, of course, she’s just dying to get away from me and she’ll take off without even a goodbye.
And that what I’m scared of. That I’ll do this, make my big escape, and she won’t even give a fuck.
Because I would miss her. I might even miss her so much I would do something stupid and chase after her. Convince her to stay with me. Put all my considerable power into attaining her love and respect.
Shit. I don’t know myself right now. That just adds to my frustration.
I head back to the bed, letting my eyes roam over her again. I feel myself smile.
It really doesn’t matter what I want to want. The only thing that matters is how she makes me feel.
And she makes me feel amazing. I realize I’m angry because that feeling might go away, and I have no control over that.
Only she does.
Maybe, like it or not, I’m hers.
29
Jane
It’s been a month now, and things are coming along great. I get up early in the morning, long before Riker wakes up. I wake up to him sleeping in bed. One side of his face is buried in pillows, and the side shown is highlighted by the sunlight streaming through the windows. I spot a bit of saliva crawling out of his open mouth, and he even emits a small snore. It sounds cute.
His arms loosely hug the pillows, and his bare back subtly moves as he dreams. I had to admit that Riker looks adorable. He’s different to how others perceive him as, and now, knowing him for quite some time, I feel like I can trust him. He’s someone that I’m comfortable to be around, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I gently lean over to kiss Riker’s messy hair before slipping out of bed. I take a quick shower, get myself in a comfy bathrobe, and pick up the phone to order some breakfast. I was in the mood for something fancy, so I order some crepes with a side of toast. As I wait, I’m tempted to call Nia and tell her more about Riker. She seems to be growing fond of him, so why not?
I pick up my phone and call Nia. I wait a few moments before her cute face appears on video chat. Her eyes are wide and filled with so much joy.
“Hi, Mommy!” Nia cheers, her voice rings so sweetly in the air. I want her to be here so I can hug her. I miss our hugs.
“Hi, Nia,” I say and wave at her. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
“Nope,” Nia says as she shakes her head quickly. “How are you, Mommy?”
“I’m doing well, how are you?”
“Great! I’m making breakfast, look! Look!” Nia brings the phone over to a bowl of cereal. She filled the bowl up with a mountain of sugary cornflakes, I don’t think there’s any milk.
“You added too much, dear,” I tell her, “it’s not good to eat all that.”
“Awww,” Nia whines, “but I wanted to make my own breakfast.”
“And you did a very good job,” I praise, “but you’ll get a stomach ache if you eat all that.”
“Mmm,” Nia pouts, and she shows me her gloomy face. I hate to see her like that. What happened to those joyful eyes?
“How about this, the next time I see you, I’ll help you make cereal. Would you like that?”
Nia’s face brightens up. “Yes!”
“Good.” I smile too, then I hear Riker coming over. I turn to see him in his bathrobe, his hair is still a mess. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes as he releases a huge yawn. He stretches out his arms before they relax back to his sides.
“Good morning,” I greet him with a smile.
“Morning,” he repeats and sits down next to me. “Are you talking to Nia?”
“Hi, Riker!” Nia greets with a huge wave, and she jumps about to add to her excitement.
“Hey, kiddo, what’s up?” Riker asks.
“Nothing,” Nia giggles. She has such a sweet giggle.
“She was attempting to make breakfast,” I tell Riker. “But she added too much cereal.”
“Is that so?” Riker asks with amusement in his voice. “Let me see.”
Nia shows us her work and Riker has a goofy grin on his face. “It looks good, I don’t see the problem with it.”
“She added too much,” I remark.
“It’s a good effort,” Riker says.
“Thanks!” Nia exclaims with another giggle. She jumps about again and does a little twirl.
We continue chatting, and I watch as Riker and Nia absorbed in each other’s company. He mentions that all of us should hang out together again, and Nia is absolutely thrilled with that proposal. I’m just smitten with how happy Nia is. I can’t recall a time that she was happier. It made my heart soar like a bird. Seeing Nia so happy is always a gift, even if it’s just a smile.
We talk for a bit more until Riker leaves the room to get ready. He waves goodbye and leaves just like that. Shortly after that, I finish chatting with Nia and get out to get our food. Once I did that, I settle down in front of the TV and turn it on.
I flip through the channels with a silly grin on my face until I get to the news. My smile drops. I freeze right there. I’m glad I’m not eating at that moment because I would’ve choked on my food.
A young woman stands in front of a group of journalists. She’s dressed in lavish attires, and her jewels sparkle brightly. However, her face is grim with the remnants of tears. She holds her stomach where there’s a tiny bump.
She’s the woman from Riker’s apartment a month or so ago that I kicked out.
What gets me is the bright red headline at the bottom of the screen. It claims that the woman is Riker’s ex-girlfriend, Ana, and that she’s pregnant with his child. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I can’t be reading that right, so I raise the volume to make absolutely sure.
“Ana, Ana, is this true? Are you really pregnant with Riker Lord’s child?” one journalist asks.
No.
“Yes, it’s true,” Ana says as she wipes tears from her eyes.
No.
“Wait, it doesn’t add up!” another journalist claims. “Didn’t you and Riker break up two years ago?”
“We did,” Ana says in a shaky voice, her hands are still around her stomach. “But we met again two months ago in L.A. for a meeting and…and now he’s with some other woman…and I….” Ana covers her face as she starts sobbing, and a couple of journalists pat her shoulder in assurance.
No. No. No.
> I sit there wide-eyed, at a loss for words. I feel pinned to the bed, unable to move and unable to catch my breath.
What the fuck? What the actual fuck? This isn’t true. It can’t be. It can’t.
I face the door that Riker disappeared into, I’m just waiting for him to come out, but he doesn’t. I know there’s something bogus about this, but I can’t stop shaking right now. I can’t stop thinking about this. I turn off the TV. I can’t stand looking at Ana’s crying face. I can’t stand watching as journalists comfort this person who claims to be pregnant with Riker’s child. Riker’s. There’s no god damn way that this is true. However, something in my stomach says otherwise.
I feel sick and have the urge to run in the bathroom to throw up. I just sit here, though. I’m confined to the couch that lost its comfort. Lost its warmth. Suddenly it feels cold, extremely cold. And that sickening feeling is replaced with this emptiness I can’t describe. I stare at the blank television screen, fearing that it will magically turn back on and Ana’s crying face will show up.
I can only see my face in the TV screen. My face is blank, I can’t let out any tears somehow no matter how much I try. My face is blank, there are no tears like Ana’s. Her face had so much despair. I don’t ever recall seeing so much despair on someone’s face.
I face the door that Riker walked in. I can’t let this go, I need to confront him about this. Even though I still think there’s something odd about this, I grow suspicious. Ana’s face can’t leave my head, and it won’t until I confront him. I needed to know if it’s true, if Ana really is carrying their child. I needed to know. I needed to know now. God, I’m hurting so much now…and what about Nia? She’ll be hurt too. I can’t stand her being hurt. I can’t. I can’t.
30
Riker
I glance into the mirror as I carefully shave unwanted hair off my chin. The cream is smooth against my face, and the razor passes through with ease. While I shave, I think about what’s on our agenda for today. Jane got us breakfast, so there’s that, maybe afterward we can do some more shopping…or some more fucking, whatever works for her and I. Though I’m leaning more to the fucking.
As I finish up, the bedroom door slams open and I jump from the noise. The razor slices through my skin, leaving a cut at the edge of my chin. I cringe at the pain and quickly clean it off with cool water. What the fuck was that? When I dry off, I rush out of the bathroom to come face to face with Jane.
I hold my breath, Jane’s eyes are hardened and locked onto mine, bearing an expression I’ve never seen before. Her face is contorted with a mixture of rage and disappointment, my heart drops seeing her like this. What the hell happened? I open my mouth to speak, but Jane snatches my arm and yanks me into the living room.
“Jane, what—”
Jane turns on the TV and I’m entirely speechless. There is Ana. My ex-girlfriend Ana, and she’s pregnant. She’s in front of the press, crying her eyes out, hoping that I can dump Jane and come back to her to take care of her child. Our child, she claims.
No, that can’t be right. It doesn’t add up. Besides, those tears are fake. I was with her long enough to know that. God, how could I have been so stupid for staying with her for so long? She only wants to get back for the money, nothing more. Now she’s pulling this shit?
It feels like every part of my being is on fire. My shock turns to rage, but before I can explain myself, Jane turns to me, anger still burning in her eyes.
“What is going on, Riker?” she asks me in a cold tone of voice.
“Babe, just calm down—”
“How the fuck can I calm down!?” Jane snaps and slams a foot into the floor. “Your ex-girlfriend is on the fucking TV claiming to be pregnant with your child. I don’t think this is a good time to be exactly calm.”
I place a hand over my face and exhale. I’m just as pissed as Jane is, but we need to get our heads together. I gently take Jane to the couch and we both sit down. I also turn off the TV. I can’t stand seeing Ana’s crocodile tears.
“Jane, baby, please listen to me, okay?” I talk quietly to her and touch her shoulder, but Jane flinches back. The act startles me, but I don’t attempt to do it again.
“I trusted you, Riker,” Jane spat, her eyes are reddening with tears. “I trusted you with my daughter.” The tears are free and they stream down her cheeks. Jane doesn’t bother to wipe them away.
“I know, babe, I know,” I said with my voice still calm, but my heart is beating quickly against my chest. I won’t be surprised if it collapses right there.
Jane finally wipes her eyes and glance up at the ceiling. She shakes her head and falls back into the couch.
“I can’t believe this…” she mutters under her breath. Each word she says hurts, and the cut on my chin is bleeding again.
I excuse myself from the couch to get a napkin to wipe off the blood, but it keeps bleeding. When I return to the couch, Jane has fallen silent and refuses to look at me. I sit next to her, but she moves from the couch and onto a chair.
“Babe, let’s keep this professional—”
“Professional?” Jane cuts me with a scoff. “I’m not the one fucking every woman they know.”
“That’s not what I—”
“Forget it.” Jane stands from the chair. “I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t.”
“Please just listen to me, babe.”
“God, stop calling me babe,” Jane retorts. She storms out of the room, slamming the door shut. I come to the door, but Jane locks it.
“Jane, please open up,” I plead. “I’m just as hurt and pissed as you. Please open the door so we can talk.”
Jane doesn’t answer me. Instead, I hear drawers opening and clothes being toss around.
I knock on the door. “Jane, please. Jane!”
After a few minutes of waiting, the door opens, and Jane comes barging out with a suitcase. She nearly hits me with the door, but I’m sure that’s not her intention.
“I can’t be here right now,” Jane states.
“Jane, please.” I take her arm, but she easily pulls away from me. “Jane, just listen to me for one minute. Just one.”
Jane simply scoffs and heads for the door. She shakes her head as she mutters something under her breath, but I can’t pinpoint what it is. I can only watch as Jane opens the door and slams it behind her. The slam causes me to flinch, and I sink back into the couch.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” I mutter as I run my hands through my hair. God, it can’t get any worse.
I go to the window and see Jane standing outside, waiting for a cab. I want to open the window and tell her to come back in, but she won’t listen. She didn’t bother to listen when I tried to explain the situation. Why are women so difficult to talk too?
Suddenly, I notice Jane scurrying off, as if getting away from something—well, other than me. I look in the close distance to see the press hurrying down the street. They stop near the hotel with cameras in hand, and somber looks on their faces.
Shit, it definitely can get worse. My reputation’s spiraling down the drain in the blink of an eye. As I stand here in my bathrobe, I feel utterly vulnerable. That cut on my chin is bleeding again, but my body is hurting either way.
I hear them calling me down for questions, but I can’t see them. I can’t see anyone. I feel trapped in my own room. God, I really do feel vulnerable. I can only stand by the window, hoping not to catch the attention of the hungry press. How the hell can they have turned on me so quickly? Everything was in my control not too long ago, and now, everything is falling apart. Falling apart, just like that.
31
Jane
It’s never good when your boss calls you into his office, but I have a feeling I know what this is about. Terry sits across from me, looking like she isn’t sure how to approach this. I’m not sure how to approach this either. This silly plan of Riker’s has gotten way out of hand. This was supposed to be something that could help me get on a winning streak. Now,
here I am looking like a fool. I want to hate him. I don’t know why I can’t.
“Jane,” Terry starts. Her brow is furrowed. She knows that there isn’t a right answer to this. “I wanted to check in with you. I want to know how you’re feeling about… everything.”
She says the last word as if he’s talking about an incoming rainstorm when I’ve forgotten my umbrella. It’s casual, but filled with concern for my well-being. Unfortunately, this isn’t as simple as running to the store to buy again what I’ve forgotten.
“Well, Terry,” I start. “It’s difficult, as you can imagine…” I trail off. How do I explain heartbreak and humiliation to my boss?
“Please, Jane. There’s really no need to hold back. This is an unusual situation. You’re smart and a good lawyer. I want you to stick around. You’ve been such a trooper through this.”
I’m surprised by the amount of softness in her speech. This is the same woman who pushed me to take Riker’s case and who is always pushing me to win. I always wondered if she was simply dangling a partner position in front of me to just keep me around. Could she have been trying to push me to succeed?
I feel so many overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Part of me is furious while other parts of me want to forgive. Yet another part of me is confused about Terry’s sudden change of heart.
“Jane,” she continues. “No one would blame you if you called this whole thing off.”
“Oh… They wouldn’t?” I ask.
“No, not at all. Riker has… Well, he’s made plenty of choices in his life. I know that better than anyone. This might not be as good for your future as we originally thought, Jane.”
Her last comment hits me like an arrow through the heart. If Riker isn’t good for me, then why do I feel so conflicted? I pride myself on doing what’s best for me. I’m driven and ambitious. Ever since I had Nia, I knew that I was in charge of making a better life for us. Was I a fool? Did Riker charm me like he has so many others before?
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