by Shelly Davis
“I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t met anyone I wanted to give that title in a long time,” I lied. Instead of letting him into my little world or telling him anything too personal, I focused on him. This was the opening that I wanted. “What about you? A rich successful racecar driver like you and you don’t have a girlfriend? Seems odd.”
He sat up next to me and gathered things from the basket. Two wine glasses, a bottle of wine, cheese and crackers, and chocolate covered strawberries. He quietly poured two glasses of wine and spread the food out between us. His silence stretched as he swallowed his entire glass of wine before setting it down. He laid down on his back and stared into the immensity of the starry night sky. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I sipped my wine and nibbled on a strawberry. I worried I was too forward or that I assumed too much. I didn’t want to ruin the night, but it appeared I had.
“About five years after I started racin’ trucks, I bought an engagement ring for my girlfriend. We had been datin’ since we graduated high school and when I was offered the position in the truck series, she came with me to Mooresville. She said she wanted to be with me. We lived together. We did everything together at first. She was beautiful and sweet, the stereotypical country girl with big blond hair and sweet as hell attitude.” I sat quietly and listened. But the moment he described the woman he wanted to marry, I hated her. I hated that he talked of her in the past tense. I hated that he loved someone so much that he wanted to marry her. I hated the way his voice sounded when he described her. But I didn’t say a word, I just continued to sip my wine and listen.
“After some time she started makin’ friends and I couldn’t have been happier. I was constantly busy and was travelin’ every week for races; I hated leavin’ her behind all alone. Over time, the schedule I kept, the travelin’, and everything else made her mad. I couldn’t do anythin’ to make her happy. She complained about everything I did, no matter how hard I tried to make her feel special; nothin’ seemed to make her happy. I bought her things, took her to nice places, none of it seemed to matter. None of it made her happy.”
Tears stung my eyes for him. I could hear the betrayal in his voice and could feel his sadness. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to make him feel special because he was definitely special. How could she not see how special he was? How could she not appreciate him?
“One night before I had to leave for a Bristol race, I decided it was time. I was gonna ask her to marry me. I made plans with her, made reservations, and everything. That day, I called her at work to tell her when I’d pick her up, but she said she had plans with her friends. She said she couldn’t just drop her plans for me. Thinkin’ back, I shoulda known, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to see it …” he paused and closed his eyes. “We argued, but it was decided that she was goin’ with her friends and nothin’ I said was gonna change her mind. So I called Ky to go get a beer. We pulled up at a local place and out in the parkin’ lot there was a couple basically fuckin’ on the hood of a car.” He paused and my heart just broke for him. I could sense what he would say next. I felt horrible for him. “It took a moment, but I knew almost instantly it was her. Ky tried to stop me, but I went and confronted her and the asshole she was tryin’ to screw on the hood of the car I bought for her. The fuckin’ coward ran, she tried lyin’ and beggin’ me to forgive her but she had basically ripped my heart out and shoved the fucker down my throat with her betrayal. I showed her the ring just before throwin’ it into traffic, never to be seen again. I will never get the look she had in her eyes out of my head. She was upset, but there was still such a cruelness in her eyes. Without a word, I turned my back on her and went to get into my car. She got into her car and spun tire outta the parkin’ lot. She hit an eighteen-wheeler head-on. She died at the hospital.”
He stopped talking and I could tell that he blamed himself for her death. It was no wonder he didn’t let anyone close to him, he had been betrayed by someone who was supposed to love him. In a way, it was worse than what I dealt with. I always knew Todd held no real love for me and I didn’t love him. The physical part of my experience was horrific, but the emotional part of his experience was crippling. I had no idea what to say, so I didn’t say a word. I slid my hand into his and held on to him, just so he knew I was there. We sat in silence for a long time, and I was surprised when he started talking again.
“I didn’t think I could ever have feelings like that again without bein’ worried I’d be betrayed. For the longest time, I didn’t let anyone get close to me because of Anna. I guarded my heart from every woman I encountered. Until now.”
His words flew through the night; they surrounded me, seeped into me, and burrowed into my heart. His words were quiet and honest, full of hope and promise. I could hear the sincerity in his voice. I could feel his words wash over me. But I still couldn’t decipher their true meaning. He could be talking about any woman. I was sure he wasn’t lacking for willing candidates in his life. I could just be a friend that he felt comfortable sharing with.
He sat up and looked at me. His eyes burned into me and his grip on my hand tightened. I felt like he could see into my soul, into my mind and into my heart. I felt like he already knew me, what lay within my heart, the demons in my head, he knew them all. He could see them all, and he wasn’t afraid. But there was no way he could imagine the demons that haunted my nightmares. A man like him could never fully grasp the horrific way Todd treated me because he would never treat a woman with anything other than respect, of that I was sure. Even after betrayal he didn’t react in any aggressive manner, he walked away. He may have yelled, he may have stormed, cursed, and even growled, but he probably never even considered hurting her.
I didn’t say a word for a few long moments; I just stared back into his warm brown eyes. I felt an overwhelming resolve to give him something. We were friends and I wanted to give him some part of me that no one else but a select few had, my trust.
I sucked in a deep breath and looked out toward the water. What I wouldn’t give to be able to dive into its depths and let it wash away all of my past. “I understand betrayal. When I was a senior in high school, I thought I was in love. For about five or six months he treated me like a princess, but that quickly changed. He turned out to be a horrible and abusive monster who didn’t seem to like me at all.” I lowered my head a little as a tear slipped from the corner of my eye, the next words came out in a whisper. “He made my life hell.” I didn’t say more, I couldn’t. I just kept my eyes down until I could compose myself. But then his fingers gently grazed my wet cheek. He wiped away my tears then slid his fingers under my jaw, tilting my head up to look at him.
“Thank you for sharing some of yourself with me,” he whispered. Before I even realized what was happening, his lips grazed mine. Soft and gently probing, his mouth explored mine. It was the most innocent and pure kiss that I’d ever experienced. He backed away slightly and looked into my eyes. He studied me for a few moments before pressing his lips to mine once again. This time he seemed more sure, but he was still sweet and gentle. I opened up to him, kissing him back, returning his fervor. When he pulled away, I was dizzy with need. I wanted more. I wanted to be wrapped in his strong arms. I wanted to feel his strength because I knew he could share his with me. He could give me the strength to finally move on and embrace life the way I once had. He stared into my eyes again. “You okay?” he asked.
Without a word, I nodded. I looked back out toward the water and smiled. “I’m good,” I whispered. But then something seeped into my perfect happy haze. “What about work? What does this mean?” I asked quietly, afraid of his answer.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything, Antonia. It can just mean we’re two people who are getting to know each other, trying to decide if there is something here or not.”
“But …” I started. He placed his finger over my lips, hushing me.
“Don’t worry, angel. I won’t let anything come between you and your dreams, even me. We’ll
figure it out, together.” He took his finger from my lips and quickly kissed me once again. He was so sweet and gentile with me, it made my heart ache.
For hours, we sat together, eating, talking, and kissing just a little bit more. It was a perfect night and the best date I ever had. When we returned to the house, he held my hand and walked me to the door to my room. I could feel the giddy smile stretched across my face, but I couldn’t help myself. It was the first time I was ever walked to my door like this.
“Thank you for a wonderful night, Toni.” He lifted my hand and placed a kiss to the center of my palm. He closed my fingers and smiled. “Just a little something to keep with you.” Then he kissed my cheek and backed away toward his door. “Goodnight, Antonia.”
“Goodnight, Jules,” I smiled as I opened my door and slipped inside. I leaned against the door and pressed my fisted hand, which held the most perfect kiss, to my chest. Closing my eyes, I smiled. I could fall for this man; I think I already was.
~oOo~
NASCAR brakes for no one. The schedule and the cars didn’t care that all I wanted to do was be with Julius without all the guys, tools, and cars. Our lives quickly became a whirlwind of chaos and work for the next few months. We traveled every week, all over the country, bouncing from track to track. It was exciting and exhausting, but it left little free time for either Julius or myself. One or both of us was constantly doing something. Not only was I preparing for each week’s races, I had things to do at school to prepare for my graduation, so I was pulling double duty most of the time. Part of me was happy about having the distraction. I could see myself getting caught up with Julius, this way we were together, we saw each other, but I was distracted enough to keep perspective. Everything with him was unknown territory and I sucked at the unknown. Then there was also the other part of me that wanted what I felt when he kissed me. I loved the way his lips felt on mine, the way he possessed every ounce of my being with his lips. It was exciting and lit up feelings that I hadn’t ever felt before. No one had ever made me feel the way Julius did.
Even though we had no down or alone time, my feelings for him intensified. We were still together just about every day, he was a hands on driver when it came to the work that was being done on his cars, so this allowed us to at least be together at work. Even though there was no alone time, he still found subtle ways to touch me or brush by me even for just a moment. Those moments were fleeting at best, but they made me realize my feelings for him were becoming quite real and quite intense. I missed him when he wasn’t around. I’d even spent time in his mobile home at the tracks instead of going back to the hotel with the rest of the team, but Margie and Kyle were almost always there too.
Our constant hard work finally paid off in Bristol in March when everything just seemed to fall together perfectly. The car was perfect, Julius’ driving was flawless, the pit crew didn’t make any mistakes, and Ky and I didn’t have one single slipup. It was rare that everything just seemed to come together.
“You’re comin’ around for the last lap, Jules. The seventy-two is a second and a half behind ya.” Tom said. “He’s comin’ hard on the high side, Jules. He’s got a run on ya, move … move … move.”
“You got this Jules,” Kyle said. “Come outta turn four and put the pedal down.”
“Ten-four,” Julius said.
Coming around turn four the seventy-two car was closing the distance, but Julius shot out of the turn and down the final straightaway still about a second ahead.
“Whoo-hoo…” Julius shouted as he passed the start-finish line, taking the checkered flag and his first win of the season. “Great job, everyone!”
He did his victory lap then, when he came back around; he stopped and did a burnout right in front of the grandstand.
It was a perfect day and the celebration after the race was something I never expected to experience. I never would have guessed all of the requirements after winning. Starting from when he officially had to climb out of the car on victory lane, to the photo shoot following the race and the sponsor’s meeting. By the time we were able to pack up and leave, most of the other teams were gone.
~oOo~
A break finally came for Easter weekend, no race that weekend meant some down time for the team. I was set to officially graduate on Wednesday after the holiday. I was ready to spend the entire weekend off with my family.
On Friday just after I checked in with Roger about graduation, I jumped in my truck and headed home, calling my dad to let him know I was on my way. I drove the hour and a half to Shady Falls as fast as I could. I couldn’t wait to see my dad and spend some time with him at home. I talked to him over the phone and through email, but I hadn’t seen him in months because of all the traveling. When I pulled into the parking lot in front of his garage, I was instantly taken back to my childhood. This place was everything to me, it was where I grew up and where I learned who I was and how strong I could be. I was never so happy to be home. I climbed down out of my truck and strode into the building. When I walked in, it was completely silent. I had never seen the place so quiet or clean in my life. There wasn’t a car, part, or tool anywhere out of place. It was weird for it to be so totally still. Even on days when it was slow, there was still noise from air compressors and other normal shop noises. But today there was nothing.
“Dad?” I shouted, my voice echoed through the empty garage. “Hello?”
“Back here, Antonia,” my dad’s voice rang out from the back area of the garage where his office sat, and the small apartment-like space that we used to rest and shower when we worked long hours when I was younger.
I quickly made my way toward his office. Pushing open the door, I found my father standing there with his suitcase next to his feet. “What’s going on here?” I asked confused. “I thought we were hangin’ out together this weekend, since it’s my only weekend off for a long time.” I felt tears sting the back of my eyes. He knew I was coming, why would he be leaving? Why wouldn’t he have told me? I didn’t want to be there alone.
A secretive smile crossed his face as he approached me and wrapped me in a hug, “It’s so good to see you, baby girl. I’ve missed you.” He paused and looked at my face. I knew I was scowling at him, because he let out a low chuckle, “Calm down, sugar. We are spendin’ the weekend together. Just not here.”
At that moment, Fred, Dottie, Jake, Cade, and Mia all walked into the room. “What’s going on here?” I asked confused.
“We’re goin’ on a family trip,” my dad said. “We’re loadin’ up and gettin’ on the road, and then you’ll find out what’s happenin’.”
“Daddy, you know I hate surprises.”
He chuckled again. “Yeah sugar, I know. But this is a good surprise. Get your stuff out of your truck, and let’s get goin’.”
“What about Uncle Bobby?” I asked.
“He’ll be meetin’ us there. He had a few things to take care of at the bar,” Jake explained.
We all loaded up between my dad’s and Fred’s SUVs and we got on the road. I had no idea where we were headed and no one was sharing any information with me either. The conversation during the drive was normal but evasive. Every time I tried to get one of them to tell me what was going on, they would change the subject. We talked about the races, the team, and Julius. My father had all kinds of questions about Julius.
When we crossed over into Tennessee, I got even more confused. We’d gone on several vacations into Tennessee, especially to the Smokey Mountains, maybe that’s where we were heading. “Are we goin’ camping? I didn’t see any equipment.”
“No, no campin’,” Jake said from behind me. “But we’re gonna be near Knoxville.”
“Jake,” Mia scolded, “Shut-up.” Jake and Mia had decided to ride with us, while Cade went with his parents.
“What’s going on with you anyway?” I asked.
Mia looked from Jake to me and scowled, “Nothin’s goin’ on.” The look on her face said she had more to say, but sh
e was stopping herself. She didn’t have to speak for me to know what she was thinking.
“Well, maybe if you weren’t sitting in your room grading papers all the time.”
“Whatever,” she mumbled, scowling at Jake. I wish I knew what was going on with them. She wanted something from him, but I couldn’t blame Jake for not returning her interest if that’s what was happening.
Beside me, my dad snickered. I looked at him and frowned, “What?”
“Nothin’,” he said with a grin. I just slumped down in my seat, taking in the scenery. I had no idea where we were or where we were going. My family wouldn’t tell me anything, and now we were all sitting here in silence. Annoyed, I closed my eyes. The last weeks of travel and constant work were catching up with me. I loved what I was doing, but between working at Fuller Enterprises and finishing everything I needed to do at school, I was exhausted. Everyone else had completed their internships and only had to do the work for licensure and graduation. I was pulling double duty.
“Toni, wake up. We’re here,” Mia said, tapping my shoulder. Slowly I opened my bleary eyes and stretched, trying to focus on the world outside.
It was dark out except for a line of path lights leading up to a porch. The house attached to the porch was large and beautiful. Tall columns lined the long porch. I could see rocking chairs and other lounge chairs in two little seating areas on either side of the steps. Every window was lit up with a small electric candle, making the house look warm and inviting.
“Where are we?” I asked, confused.
“You’ll see,” my father said. He hopped out of the truck at the same time as Jake. Jake opened my door, taking my hand and pulling me out without a word. Fred, Dottie, Cade, and Mia all moved in close and, without a word, we moved as one toward the house. Instead of walking up the front steps to the door, my father led us around the side of the house.
“Where the hell are we going? Seriously, would one of you just tell me what the hell we’re doing here?” I knew how whiny I sounded, but I despised surprises. They were being ridiculously quiet about whatever the hell was going on and it pissed me off.