by Shelly Davis
She still gazed at me. When she finally spoke, I was surprised by what she was thinking. “You still want me to be there?”
I shook my head, confused, “Of course I do, honey. Why wouldn’t I want you there? You’re on my team aren’t you?”
“I thought, after last night …” Her voice drifted off. She sounded so unsure of herself.
“What?” I asked. I had no idea what she was thinking.
“I just thought … You told Audrey you only …” She huffed, a frustrated sound escaping her throat.
“Audrey?” I asked confused. Then I thought back to my conversation in Daytona. I had tried to let her down as gently as I could, but Audrey just wasn’t taking no for an answer. “What I told Audrey wasn’t true, Toni. She wouldn’t back off. She refused to listen when I told her I wasn’t interested.”
“But you said …” She drifted off again.
I pushed her back and hovered over her. I leaned in so the only thing she could see were my eyes gazing down at her. “Listen to me now, my love. I want you. I want you in my bed, on my team, and in every other aspect of my life. I want everything you’re willing to give me. This isn’t about sex, Toni. I don’t want you just for sex. I want all of you. The good, the bad, and everything in the middle. Do you understand me?”
She smiled, nodding her head. “Yeah, I understand you.”
For the rest of the weekend, she seemed like her old self. She seemed to smile often and to be more open. She also spent every night that weekend in my trailer. We kissed and touched, but nothing more and that was fine by me. But looks were definitely deceiving when it came to Toni. She seemed fine, but she wasn’t. When she thought no one was paying attention, her whole demeanor would change. When we were alone together, the moment she thought I was sleeping or busy, she would crawl into herself. The following week, things just got progressively worse. She became increasingly angry and I soon realized that she was barely sleeping. Her work was slipping; she was making mistakes, and missing things when she was working on the cars. Everyone saw what was happening, but no one pushed. We all knew she was barely keeping herself together.
When we returned to Charlotte the following week, all hell seemed to have broken loose. I walked through the garage to one of the VIP signings that I had to attend at the track and saw her talking to another man. He was shorter than me, barely taller than Toni. He had shaggy light brown hair and he was plump around his middle. I could tell by the way she stood there that she was afraid. When he placed his hand on her shoulder, I just about lost it. I saw her cower from him, darting her eyes around, searching for an escape. Going quickly over to where they stood, I pulled her away from him. She was visibly shaken, and the look of fear in her eyes was more than I could bear.
“Get your fuckin’ hands off her,” I growled. I pulled her behind me, keeping hold of her trembling hands. I knew in that instant that he was who made her life hell. He was the monster in her frequent nightmares. He was the reason she was always so alert and nervous.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” the man snarled in return. “She’s my fuckin’ fiancé.”
She tightened her grasp on my hand, both of her hands squeezing mine. I could feel her desperation and terror. “She’s not. She’s with me. Keep your fuckin’ hands off her and stay the hell away from her,” I rumbled. “Now get the fuck outta here before I have someone carry your carcass out.”
Stepping forward, he looked up at me. “I don’t care who the hell you are. I’m here to take back what’s mine and that fat bitch hidin’ behind you is mine.”
That was all I needed to hear. I pulled my hand from the death grip she had on me. Before the asshole standing in front of me knew what happened, I lunged at him, punching him in the face. Never in my life had I been so furious. Not even when I caught Anna cheating.
Moments later, Kyle, Kevin, and several security guards pulled me off him. His face was bloodied and his eyes were already starting to swell.
“What the fuck, man?” Ky exclaimed. “Have you lost your fuckin’ mind?”
“That’s the asshole,” I roared. “He’s the reason she ran away last week. He’s the reason she’s so sad all the fuckin’ time. Just let me go Ky.”
“Hell no,” Ky growled. “Kevin, take them to the garage.”
I knew hitting him would be a problem, but I couldn’t help myself. My adrenaline was still pumping through my system when Kev released me in the garage area. Toni stood there, tears falling from her eyes and fear etched on her face.
Kyle came bursting into the garage, a look of fury on his face. “Care to tell me what the fuck that was?”
“He had his fuckin’ hands on her. You shoulda let me kill the bastard,” I growled.
“You ain’t killin’ no one. Chill the fuck out, Jules.” He paused for a minute then turned to Kevin. “Take Toni back to Julius’ trailer and stay with her.”
Nodding, Kevin gathered a weeping Toni and led her out of the garage.
Kyle stood and just stared at me. “What the fuck, man?”
“Yeah, exactly, what the fuck? You’re supposed to have my back, not drag me away.”
“You beat the shit outta a man at a VIP event, Jules. What the hell were you thinkin’?”
“She was scared. He called her a fat bitch. He’s the reason she’s got so many issues. He’s the reason she ran away last week.”
Realization dawned on his face. “Shit,” he rumbled.
“Yeah, shit,” I echoed. I stood and walked in the direction Kevin and Toni went only minutes ago.
“Where’re you goin’?”
“I’m goin’ to my trailer. I’ll see you tomorrow mornin’.”
Ky nodded and said nothing more as I quickly left the garage, only to find the asshole standing outside. His bloodied face was cleaned up but his eye and lip were already swollen.
“What the fuck are you doin’ out here?” I barked.
“Where is she?” he snarled.
“Somewhere you’ll never get to her again. I see you near her again and I’ll fuckin’ kill you. Get the fuck outta here or you’ll be leavin’ in the back of a police cruiser.”
“She’s mine. You can’t keep her away from me. I’ll have her one way or another. She owes me.”
Grabbing him by his shirt, I lifted him off his feet and pulled him into my face. “You better listen to me now, asshole. You ever put your hands on her again and I’ll make sure no one finds your fuckin’ body. You got me? Stay the hell away from her. She’s with me.”
“That’s what you think,” he choked out. “She’ll always be with me. It’s my voice she hears in her head, not yours.”
With that, I threw him to the ground. Standing over him, I hissed a warning that I hoped he would heed. “You come near her again or threaten her in any way, I’ll rip you apart. If you as much as harm one hair on Toni’s head, I’ll find you and I’ll gut you. I’ll kill anyone who harms what is mine. And make no mistake Toni is mine. You don’t put your hands on a woman, and you definitely don’t put your hands on my woman.”
When I finally got to my trailer, I found Kevin standing outside. “She wanted to be left alone,” he explained. “But I didn’t want to leave completely.”
“Thanks, old man. I got it from here.”
“Who the hell was that guy?”
“He’s the reason our Toni disappeared last week. He’s what scared her. Could you get the security tape and find an image of him. I want it passed out to security. I don’t want him anywhere on the track again. He’s dangerous.”
“Will do, boss. Take care of our girl.”
“I got her,” I told him.
With a nod, Kevin left toward the security suite. Pulling in a deep breath, I tried to clear all my anger before entering the trailer. I didn’t want her to think I was out of control. I was resolved that today was the day she was going to tell me what the hell that man did to her.
“Toni,” I called out, once I climbed the stairs.
“We need to talk, angel. You need to tell me who that man was.”
“Jules, not now. I don’t want to.”
Stamping down my anger, I stepped toward her only to see her cower. I stopped dead in my tracks. She was terrified. She was like a caged animal. “That’s not an option anymore, Toni. Was that Todd?”
She nodded slightly but didn’t answer. She was back to the nonverbal communication that we dealt with last week. She stepped back into the bedroom and I followed as she sat down on the bed. She must have known I wasn’t going to back down.
“What did he do to you, Toni? And don’t tell me he didn’t do anything or that it’s all in the past. It’s obviously not in the past at all. He’s here and his actions are still affecting you. It’s time for you to talk to me, angel.”
“What if I don’t want to?” she asked quietly. Her face red and raw from constantly wiping away the tears that continued to fall. Her golden eyes were red and glittered with tears. Her dark hair covered her face when she looked down to avoid my gaze. She seemed broken, lost. I wanted to help her, but she had to let me. Unless she let me, I would never be able to help her the way I wanted. I also realized Todd was right, unless she trusted me she would never be mine. He still had his hold on her and only she could break it.
“Then I can’t help you, baby. I can’t do anythin’ for you if you don’t talk to me. I also can’t guarantee I’ll be around forever. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, but you have to trust me. If you don’t trust me then we have nothin’.”
“I can’t,” she whispered. Those two words made my world crash. She didn’t trust me and if she didn’t trust me, then she’d never be able to be with me. This was it. If she couldn’t find a way to let me in, at least a little, anything we could have had was over.
“You have to. You have to trust me a little at least. Let me in, Toni. Please.”
She shook her head. This time looking into my eyes. They were clouded with hurt and pain, but I also was hurting. I couldn’t help her if she didn’t let me in. If she refused to tell me anything at all, this relationship, or whatever it was, was doomed. “I can’t,” she said again, this time more forcefully. “I just can’t, Julius. Either take me the way I am or not.”
I sighed, defeated. “Toni, I love you, but if you can’t give me somethin’, this is done.” She looked down and shook her head but said nothing at all.
“Dammit, didn’t you hear me? I said I love you. I love you, Toni. I haven’t said those words in years, but I’m sayin’ them now. Please …” I begged. I never begged anyone for anything in my life, but I was begging her to love me as I love her. “Toni, I love you.”
Again she shook her head, not looking up, not making eye contact. I wasn’t even sure if she heard me or not. Seeing her shake her head, my heart broke. I felt it splinter right down the middle. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I was sick and heartbroken. That was it. We were done.
“Then you’re gonna have to go,” I whispered. “I can’t have you here, in my place, in my bed, if you can’t trust me, if you don’t love me. Go to the hotel with the rest of the team, Toni. I’m sorry but from now on, that’s all you can be, just another team member.” It killed me to say that to her because I didn’t mean it. Her eyes darted to mine and I hoped she’d give me something. Tell me she loves me, anything to change my mind, but she didn’t. Watching her walk out the door broke my heart worse than anything Anna ever did. In such a short time, I knew I had fallen for her. When I told her I loved her, I meant it. I loved this woman more than anything. But if she couldn’t trust me then we had nothing.
She turned sadly and looked at me. “Jules, please … I just …” She sighed, “Please …”
“I can’t do this again, Toni. Anna lied and hid things from me. I can’t deal with that betrayal again. I won’t. I love you; I’m in love with you. But I can’t let you destroy me. Just give me something, Toni. Anything to show me you feel the same about me. That’s all I want.”
She just stood there at the top of the stairs and glanced back at me again. “I can’t. I’m so sorry, Jules.”
“I know, Toni.”
She turned and walked down the stairs. Once she was out the door, I waited a few moments and followed her to the hotel. No matter what I said, I loved her. Those feeling didn’t just disappear. I had to make sure she was going to get there okay. On the drive, I called Kevin and let him know Toni would be staying at the hotel and to make sure she got to the track safely.
“Don’t let her outta your sight, got it?” I told Kevin.
“What happened, Boss?”
“Nothin’, just keep her safe and make sure someone’s always with her.”
“You got it, Boss. She goes nowhere alone.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Toni
What have I done? Days, it had been days since he’d spoken to me beyond things dealing with the car and the race. Practice yesterday was so hard. He didn’t ask me anything over the radio; he only talked directly to Kyle. When I told him something, he only said ‘Ten-four.’ If I asked him a question, he answered in as few words as possible and as soon as he got out of the car, he was back at his trailer. The only people he talked to for any extended period of time were Kyle and Kevin. I watched him from afar, keeping my distance.
On Sunday, we were in the garage prior to the race. Julius talked to Kyle and Kevin. I was doing last minute adjustments and wishing things could’ve been different. Julius didn’t say one word to me. He kept his distance and I tried to respect that. There were times I had no choice but to be near, and every time it broke my heart even more. When he went back to his trailer to rest a bit before the race, I finally relaxed. At least if he wasn’t there, I could do what I needed to do.
“You know, maybe if you tried talking to him,” Margie said from behind me. For the first time I didn’t jump, I didn’t flinch. Something in me had changed slightly. I wasn’t so paranoid anymore. I think it was because of Julius. He gave me strength, he made me see what was good about me, and he helped me learn not everyone was out to hurt me. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson a little too late.
“Why?” I asked. “So he can throw me out again? I can’t give him what he wants, Margie. I don’t even know how. It’s better off this way. He’s better off this way.”
Huffing, she came around me. I could see the anger and hurt in her eyes and I just felt bad. “Do you think he’s better off?” she shouted. “Does he look like he’s better off? Because all I see is my little brother, brokenhearted.”
“What would you like me to do, Margie? I can’t be what he needs. I can’t do what he wants me to do. Look, I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I need to go for a ride and clear my head.”
I left as quickly as I could. I didn’t let anyone other than Margie know I was leaving the track. I just climbed into my truck and drove. Just like a few days ago, I drove without a purpose. I knew I only had a short time before I had to return, so I drove to the nearest playground and parked. Sliding out of my truck, I found a set of swings and sat, trying to clear my head. The only things echoing through my head were when he told me that he loved me and when he told me I had to go. It killed me to know he loved me and I did nothing to show him how much I cared for him. And now it was too late.
“I knew if I followed you around enough, you’d finally be alone at some point,” Todd’s familiar voice said from behind me. I was startled, but numb. He couldn’t inflict pain on me anymore, at least not as much as I imposed on myself. “You’ve been bein’ followed for the past couple days.”
“What do you want, Todd?” I asked. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid of him. I was just tired. I didn’t care anymore. He’s destroyed everything for me. “Haven’t you ruined my life enough?”
“Who the hell do you think you’re talk
in’ to, whore? You forget I can make your life a living hell?”
“You’ve made my life hell since the moment I met you. I haven’t seen you in years and yet you’ve fucked with my life every damn day. I’m done lettin’ you have this power over me. You killed me the day you attacked me. The girl I once was died that day and I’m sick of bein’ what I’ve become.” I stood and walked away from him, just wanting to get away. I knew turning away from him was probably the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I just wanted away. I didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t hurt me any worse than I hurt myself. I already ruined my one shot at happiness.
He grabbed my shoulder from behind and forced me to turn and look at him. “Don’t walk away from me, bitch. I ain’t done with you yet.”
I didn’t know if it was reflexive because of the self-defense classes Cade made me take or if I finally just snapped, but the moment I was facing him and he had his hands on me, I just reacted. The heel of my hand came up as hard as I could in a crippling thrust right to his nose. I felt as much as heard the crunch when my palm met his face. I hoped I broke his nose. He immediately released me and his hands went to his face. His eyes were closed and the blood poured from his cupped hands. Next, my knee met his groin; he instantly fell to his knees with a weak groan. I stepped back from him, staring in shock at the damage I’d done. I finally did it. I finally stood up to my worst nightmare, and I won.
“Don’t ever think you can touch me again,” I ground out. “Stay the hell away from me.” I quickly ran away from him. I knew I only bought myself a few moments to get away. He would never leave things like this. I was right when I heard him yell out behind me.
“This ain’t over, bitch. I’ll put you in the fuckin’ ground.” He grabbed me from behind again, but this time I knew what I was doing. My elbow thrust back as hard as I could, connecting with his solar plexus. I stomped down on his foot hard with my steel-toed work boots, crushing his foot. I quickly turned around and planted another knee to his groin, while thrusting the heel of my hand into his nose again. He dropped to the ground again, but this time he stayed.