by Shelly Davis
“I just can’t, Jules,” she said almost shyly.
“Baby, what are you afraid of?” I asked, worried that she was afraid of me. I knew she had fears, but I thought she trusted me. I thought I proved that she could trust me.
“I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work out? What if you find out that I’m just not the girl you think I am? What if you realize you don’t want to live with me anymore?” And there it was. Her insecurities rearing their heads once again. She never seemed to know how much she meant to me. She never seemed to know she was enough. She was everything I’d ever wanted but didn’t know it until I met her.
“That’s not possible, Toni. Are you serious? Don’t you know how much I care about you? I thought we figured this out.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her shrug her shoulders as if she didn’t know. I’d told her I loved her, but I hadn’t told her since our fight in Charlotte. I wanted to tell her so many times, but I hadn’t. I didn’t know why I hadn’t told her, but part of me wasn’t sure if I was ready to say it again. I’d told her then lost her, and she never said the words back. As ready as I was to be with her and only her, I was still afraid of the pain I felt when she walked away from me. Then it dawned on me, apparently she wasn’t the only one with fears. I guess I had some of my own.
Immediately a plan formed in my head as I drove us toward the airport. I wasn’t going to let my fears rule my life, but also wasn’t going to tell her how much I loved her in my truck. Daytona was where we had our first date and our first kiss. Tomorrow night I was going to take her back to that beach. I was going to lay it all out for her. She would know for certain that she was it for me.
“I saw Todd on the street again yesterday,” she said quietly. “He was just standing down the street from the gym.”
“Why the hell didn’t you call me?” I asked, frustration seeping from my words. “Dammit, Toni, you can’t just not tell me about stuff like that.”
“Mia was with me and Uncle Bobby was waiting for us with our dinner. It was fine.”
“It wasn’t fine. I wanna know if that asshole’s hangin’ around, Toni. If he’s near the gym then he’s gettin’ too close. What if he’s stalkin’ you, tryin’ to figure out your schedule? What if he gets braver? When we get back home we’re gonna put a restrainin’ order on his sorry ass.”
“It won’t matter, Jules. He won’t care. It’ll probably just make him madder.”
“Fuck him,” I growled. “I’ll fuckin’ kill him if he comes near you again. See this is why you should live with me. If we’re livin’ together I could protect you.”
“I don’t need protection, Jules. I’m fine. I’m not the same girl I was back then.”
“I know that, angel. But I also know I’d never forgive myself if somethin’ happened to you.”
“It’s fine, Jules. It’ll be fine. I beat the hell outta him, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” I snickered, remembering her telling me about how she finally stood up to him and found her strength. “But that don’t mean he won’t come after you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. We’re together now, we’re a team.”
We drove the rest of the way to the airport in a relative silence. Me thinking about all of the ways that I could protect her and what I was going to do to that man if he put one finger on her. I could see by the way she acted, she wasn’t as confident as she appeared. I had no doubt she could protect herself if she had to, the twins trained her to defend herself well. I’d seen their self-defense classes at work over the years, the people who took them walked out stronger and with more self-confidence. I also knew they blamed themselves for not seeing what was happening to Toni back then. They would have done everything in their power to arm her against any kind of further assault. But that wasn’t enough for me. This weekend, not only was I going to tell her how much I love her, I would also attempt to convince her to move in with me.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Toni
“I love you, Toni. And I want you to be with me,” he said as we sat on the deserted Florida beach. The same beach he brought me to when we had our first date. The sun had set a short time ago, leaving behind a deep blue on the horizon. The sky above us was clear and full of stars. So many stars I felt like I could get lost among them. It was so peaceful and beautiful.
I sat there and took in what he said. He said he loved me. He said he wanted to be with me. I’d managed to prove to myself over the course of the past few weeks that I wasn’t the weakling I once thought I was. I wasn’t the girl who let Todd destroy her anymore. I was proud of myself, but was it enough? Was I enough? Could I be the woman that Julius needs?
I looked toward the gorgeous man who sat next to me. He wasn’t pushing me to respond, he wasn’t trying to convince me to do or say anything if I wasn’t ready. He was simply declaring his feelings for me and the most interesting part was, I already knew. I saw it every time we were together, every time he looked at me and made my pulse speed to an erratic pace. He made my heart swell, my stomach flutter, and my mind betray everything I used to use as armor. Then I realized he had a power over me I never gave to anyone, ever. He possessed my heart and my soul. He held them in his grasp and I didn’t know if I would ever get them back, I didn’t know if I wanted them. I knew without a doubt he wouldn’t do anything to harm or injure me. I loved him. With everything in me, I loved him. I wasn’t afraid anymore.
I turned toward him, looking over his handsome profile. No man should ever be that attractive. His warm brown eyes and the expression on his face were hidden by the darkness quickly enveloping the world. Then he turned his head and looked at me and I was lost in his eyes.
“What did I do to deserve you?” I asked quietly. It was a question more for myself than him but he decided to answer anyway.
“Nothing, Toni. You’re just you, and that’s what I want. I want you in my life, in my house, and in my bed for a lifetime.” Sitting up he took my face in his hands and leaned in close, but not touching. He made sure I saw nothing but him. His face filled my vision, his scent surrounded me, and he swathed me in everything he was. “I. Love. You. Toni,” he said, pausing for emphasis between each word. A look of resolve filled his features. I wondered what he was going to say or do. “I love that you’re stubborn. I love that you’re a constant contradiction. I love that you’re both independent and in need. I love that you’re confident and insecure at the same time. I love that you aren’t afraid to be what you are, but need reassurances so you know you’re doing well. I love your gorgeous body under my touch and your silky hair running through my fingers when I take your perfect, plump lips with mine. I love your striking beauty, both inside and out. I don’t want to go a single day without you. I want you, Toni. Every weakness, every strength, everything.” I sat and stared into his warm eyes as he laid everything out to me. With each word spoken, my once impenetrable walls crumbled one by one until nothing was left but my beating heart. And I realized my heart only beat for him. He stirred things in me that were unfamiliar, and I loved it. I loved him.
We sat in silence, staring at each other, for just a moment before I launched myself into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his strong neck and pressed myself into him. Not only was I feeling true love for the first time. I was feeling a deep and unabashed need for him in every way. I wanted him to consume me, to fill me with his love and desire for me. I wanted to give him everything I was and would ever be.
I tugged him closer, tangling my fingers in his hair, pulling myself against his strong body. The hard steel of his chest flush against the softness of my curves gave me the courage to defeat any residual fears that may have been looming in my head. Julius moved his fingers to cup the back of my head, lacing his fingers through the mass of thick dark hair. Julius’ lips covered mine. Owned mine. Igniting a fire inside my body that I’d only ever felt with him. Our hands moved over one another. Our bodies moved together, softness against unyielding strength. I inhaled franti
cally, but it wasn’t enough. My head grew light as my heart hammered so hard in my chest, I was sure he would be able to feel it.
A deep moan escaped Julius’ throat when I wriggled slightly in his lap and deepened the kiss fueled my boldness. He groaned louder when his hand circled my waist and smoothed over the bare skin below my shirt at the small of my back. His growl was deep, feral, and erotic. It pulsated against my lips and vibrated through me turning my blood hot. His touch was like fire branding me as his fingers moved across my body, my skin coming to life under his touch. I never again wanted to go without the feel of his arms around my body and his lips against mine.
Before I knew what was happening, he flipped us over, pressing me gently into the soft sand covered by the blanket. He molded his body tightly to mine as his lips devoured mine once more with a renewed vigor. Every muscle and plane of his chest and stomach were met by the softness of the peaks of my breasts and valley of my stomach. His hands traveled down my sides to my hips. His fingers clung to me, as he seemed to try to control himself. I pressed myself more tightly into him, gently wrapping my legs around him, thrusting my hips to meet his. Our tongues and lips continued to explore every piece of flesh we could reach without unwrapping ourselves from one another.
He pulled back slightly, breathless as he leaned his forehead into mine; eyes closed, breathing deeply. “God, you’re so perfect. Every part of you is flawless. But this …” He paused and squeezed me tight to him. He kissed me, more gently this time before pulling back again. His chest heaving, he looked into my eyes, filling me. “We can’t do this here,” he said softly. “We need to stop now, or we may end up going too far.”
He slowly pulled himself from my embrace, sat up next to my legs and placed his head in his hands. I could see his back heaving with each breath he sucked in. I continued to lie on the blanket, trying to control my own breathing and to calm my rapid heartbeat. I loved that I had such an effect on him. It made me feel good to know he wanted me so badly. I sat up next to him and placed my hands on his rugged cheeks, tilting his head until I could see his face. Looking deep into his warm brown eyes, I professed what I’d never dared declare before. At least not while he was awake. Pressing my lips to his once more, I gently kissed him then pulled back. Keeping his eyes on mine, I whispered a secret into his lips. “Julius Fuller,” I murmured, “I love you too.”
~oOo~
Lying in my bed back in Mooresville, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and how much my life had changed. He loved me, in spite of my past and my misgivings. And I loved him, more than I realized I ever could.
He stretched out on his side facing me, twirling my dark hair around his fingers absentmindedly. I turned my body toward his, sliding closer until we were almost touching. Things were different between us since I told him everything. I had been so worried he would look at me differently, weak or pathetic. The fact was, he did look at me differently, but it wasn’t bad. He looked at me as if he could see me, not the front I put up so people wouldn’t know. Every so often, I would catch him looking at me and there was nothing there but what I’d longed for since I was a kid, love. He looked at me the way my father looked at my mother, the way Kyle looked at Margie. Nothing but respect and love. It made me so sad sometimes because I realized I almost lost this. I allowed my fears to hold me back for so long that I almost missed out on this. I almost missed this love.
Whether Jules said anything or not, it was obvious he wasn’t sure how to move our relationship forward, he was always so careful with me. And after we made love the first time, everything went to shit. He was so cautious now, I didn’t know if he would ever push for me. That was when I realized it had to be me. I had to let him know what I wanted. I would have to be the one to take control. My only worry was if I could actually do it.
“What’re you thinkin’ about?” Julius asked as he slid my hair through his fingers and touched its tips to my cheek. “You look deep in thought.”
“Nothin’,” I whispered. “Just wonderin’ how long it’s gonna take for you to move closer to me.”
He leaned in closer to me, leaving only the slightest space between us, our lips separated by a hair’s breadth. “Like this?” he asked.
I smiled, our lips just barely touching. “More,” I encouraged.
He pressed his chest to mine, touching me just a little more. “How about this.”
I ran my tongue over my lips, touching the tip to his upper lip. I felt him move closer, his eyes never leaving mine. “Almost,” I whispered.
He rolled me onto my back, pressing every inch of his body to mine. The feel of him so close, made me shiver uncontrollably. I loved the way his body felt. I loved how he made me feel. Looking deep into his eyes, the feeling of love that filled me was almost overwhelming. How could I be so lucky to have found this man? He was my dream come true.
The smile he gave me spread over his entire face. Without warning, he pressed his lips firmly to mine, sliding his tongue along my bottom lip, prompting me to open for him. I tried to play coy, to tease him, but I barely had control over myself. Our lips still touching, he whispered again. “What about now?” he asked. He didn’t wait for my answer; he took my lips hard and fast. I gasped at his sudden fervor, allowing him instant access to slip his tongue inside of my mouth. A welcome invasion that I met with equally. This wasn’t the passionate and probing kisses from before. This was more. Full of more desire, more zeal, more hunger. His hands traveled over my body, above my clothes and I wished he would take the next step in our erotic dance. But he didn’t. With a low growl, he pulled his lips from mine, sliding his body off to my side. I arched against him protesting the loss, but he didn’t relent. His heaving chest was now pressed against my arm, his heated breaths danced across my neck sending shivers across my body. He sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Toni. I–” he started, but I cut him off.
“What are you sorry for?”
“I should be able to control myself better. I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“Upset me for what? For letting me know you still want me? Dammit Jules, I need to know you want me. I need to know you desire me. You’re too careful.”
“But you’ve been hurt in ways I may never understand. If I hurt you or pressured you, I’d never forgive myself, Toni.” I felt his fingers tense around my waist.
“You’re not forcing me, Jules. If you keep pushing me away, I won’t believe you want me, and that would be worse than anything I experienced in the past. I need to know you want me now more than ever. Now that you know my deep, dark secrets, I need to know.”
“But what if I do hurt you, Toni,” he whispered. I could feel his fingers loosen slightly. I turned my body so it was facing him, and slid my hands to his face, forcing him to look at me. I leaned in further, our lips only a breath apart.
“You won’t, not if you love me and want me the way you say,” I whispered in return. I trusted him with everything; he had to know that I trusted him with my heart and body too. Our first time was shrouded by pain and fear. I wanted him without all that hovering over me. I needed him now just to feel his love and I wanted him to need me too. I ran my fingers from his cheeks, down his neck, touching the black and white phoenix tattoo that started on his neck and covered the top half of his right arm. I loved the beautiful, intricate picture. He once explained that it was a symbol of his resurrection after what happened with Anna. I leaned in, pressing my lips to his, my eyes gently probing his to try to decipher his feelings.
He released my waist and slid his hands to my back, pulling me to him, pressing us together so there was nothing but our clothes between us. He didn’t push or probe, he just kissed me sweetly, letting me feel how much he desired me and valued me. He put it all into our embrace and into the kiss that would be seared into my brain for the rest of my life. I knew without a doubt I would never be kissed and loved by any other man the way Julius Fuller kissed and loved me.
~oOo~
The next morning I woke to an emp
ty bed. I rolled toward the side where Julius had lain last night, and breathed in his lingering scent. I knew I was just torturing myself by refusing to move in with him, but I just wasn’t quite ready yet. I also worried about Mia. I knew something was going on with her and Jake, but neither of them seemed to know it themselves. I didn’t want her to think that I was abandoning her.
I rolled from my bed and headed out to the kitchen to get a drink of water and start to get ready for my day. Mia sat at the kitchen table, her back to the door, sipping from a coffee mug. The smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted throughout the kitchen. When she heard my footsteps, she turned and smiled.
“So, what was with the hot as hell man leavin’ your room in the middle of the night?” she asked with a smirk.
“He doesn’t like spendin’ the night. Thinks it’s disrespectin’ Uncle Bobby or somethin’.”
“Girl, when’re you gonna put that man outta his misery and move in with him?” she asked. “He obviously loves you and you love him. He knows all your deep dark secrets. He knows how big a pain in the ass you can be.” I threw a dishtowel at her. She giggled and continued, “And he’s still here. He loves you, Toni. Don’t you know how lucky you are?”
“Of course I do,” I said with a smile. “But what about you?”
“What about me?” she asked confused. “Don’t use me as an excuse, girl. I lived by myself in Nashville; I can live by myself here. Besides, I’m not alone here, Uncle Bobby’s right here if I need him.”
“But–” I started.
“No buts, Toni. No more excuses. It’s time for you to move on with your life.” She stood and smiled at me. “I love you, girl. It’s time to cut the cord. There’s nothin’ tyin’ you here anymore. Besides, when you need a break from all the sex you’re gonna have, you can come here and see me.”
I laughed and didn’t know what to say. I shook my head. “Alright. I’ll think about it.”