“Want some breakfast?” he asked. “I make a mean omelet.”
“I…” she hesitated. “I can’t…” she paused again, and then admitted, “I’m so embarrassed, Cal. What do your parents think?”
Cal framed her face between his hands, smoothing his thumbs over her cheeks, and dared to kiss the hair on the top of her head. “They don’t think anything other than that you’ll need a lot of support and comfort for a while. And my dad will think you look cute in my mom’s nightie.”
She rewarded his silly comment with another tremulous smile, and he coaxed her out of bed.
“I’ll wait for you while you use the facilities and wash your face.” When she slipped into the bathroom, he changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and found one of his bathrobes that she could cover up in, before escorting her downstairs to the kitchen. His parents were already there, and his mother had already made breakfast.
“Good morning, Vivica,” she greeted her as Cal settled her in a chair at the breakfast island. “Did you sleep last night?”
“Surprisingly, I did, thank you, Mrs. Appleton. Thank you for the nightgown, by the way. It’s very comfortable.”
“You’re welcome, sweetie. Now, I’m assuming that one or the other of you is hungry? Is it Cal?” He watched his mother tease a smile from Viv, and he could kiss her.
“Yeah, it’s me,” he admitted. “My stomach growled so loud Viv could hear it.” They didn’t need to know how close to him she had been when she heard it.
His mother dished up a full plate for him, but offered Viv toast and marmalade and a boiled egg. “I remember you telling me your head hurt last night, and I know you get migraines sometimes. So I thought you’d prefer a bland breakfast,” she explained. When Viv smiled gratefully at her, Cal looked up and caught her eye, mouthing a silent “thank you” above Viv’s head. He watched her eat a small bit of breakfast, and then she looked helplessly around her.
“I...I guess I’d better be going home now,” she said, quietly, and everyone else looked at her as though she had two heads.
“Nonsense!” Cal’s mother had that steel running through her tones, and he knew she wouldn’t allow Viv to go back home for a while. “Tell Cal what you need, and he’ll get it for you. But you’re not going anywhere for a few days.” Her tone brooked no argument, and Cal could see that Viv realized it, as her shoulders slumped.
“We’ve got nothing planned today, so if you’d like to go back to bed, that’s fine,” he said. “I can get your stuff later.”
“No...I’d rather not go back to bed yet. I’m fine. I just need some clothes. I can’t go around in a nightie all day.”
“Okay, tell me what you want, and I’ll get it for you, okay?”
She seemed reluctant, but eventually she told him what to bring, and before too long, she had changed into jeans and an oversized, long-sleeved t-shirt and thick socks. To get her mind off the fragile feelings she was still clearly experiencing, he took her into his studio. She had always liked his paintings when they were young together, and now she walked around admiring the work he did to clear his mind. When she discovered the drawings of her, she turned to look at him.
“Oh Cal...you did these from memory?”
“Yes. I haven’t been able to keep you out of my mind since we met again three weeks ago. And some nights, when I wanted you so much I could taste it, the only thing that kept me from coming over and fucking you to the moon and back was painting you instead.”
Immediately he said it, he shuddered, dismayed at how crass he had been to a woman who had just been raped the night before in front of his eyes. He hurried to apologize.
“Oh God, Viv, I’m sorry…”
She walked over to him and put her finger over his lips, silencing him.
“It’s okay. I know you would never hurt me. And it’s kinda nice to know I make you feel like that.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side. “Always, baby.”
She put her arms around his waist and said shyly, “Maybe you can draw more portraits from a live model.” Her smile, when he looked down at her, lit up her face, lightening the darkness in her eyes.
“Whenever you’re ready, baby! Just say the word.”
Chapter 11 -- Moving Forward
Two weeks later, after both Viv and Cal had been interviewed by the local police and the MPs from the Army base, Cal walked into the gym and saw her standing with Trey and Sara. They were deep in conversation, and Viv didn’t notice him until he was almost upon them. They all turned to greet him, and he slipped an arm around Viv.
“Did you get the e-mail?” he asked her. “From the investigating officer, about Porter?”
“Yes,” she answered. “I also got the official paper copy of the notice of a general court-martial. Apparently, he could also be tried in a civilian court. I’ll have to read it more carefully. But there’s something I wanted you to know.” She paused, and then continued, “I’ve decided to take classes with Trey. Sara says it helped her with her husband, and I want that. I don’t ever want to feel helpless like that again.”
Her voice trembled, but she held it together. She’d done a lot of crying these last two weeks, and a lot of leaning on Cal. But he was getting ready to go back to the front, and he wouldn’t be around to defend her honor the next time someone thought she would make a good victim. It was time to take back her life. She watched a smile bloom on Cal’s face, and hoped that by the time he came back for R&R again, she’d be sufficiently advanced that he would have a real reason to be proud of her. She knew he blamed himself for what had happened to her, and she wanted to eradicate that guilt from his heart.
She wanted something else as well, even though the thought of it scared her. She had only been with Cal one night, and she needed him again before he left, to erase the memory and the ugliness she still carried around from that night. She didn’t know if she could do it but she wanted to try. She wanted something to hold on to while he was away. His rehab was almost complete, and in another week, he’d be going in for a full physical and psych eval. She knew he would ace them both, and then she’d have to say goodbye to him...again.
She got through her days, keeping herself always occupied and always in company. No one at either job knew of what had happened except her immediate supervisors. She preferred it that way. She didn’t think she could endure the pitying stares, or the blaming looks. She knew not many people thought a husband could rape his wife, and she would just as soon not have to have those kinds of conversations with anyone but the people she trusted.
She hadn’t been able to go back into her own house without Cal, so he had invited her to stay as long as she needed, and he had given her the room he gave to his parents. And he had kept his distance and stayed away from her. She knew he meant well, because he was probably afraid if he touched her she would reject him because she was afraid. Her therapist had told her these things could all happen, and that it was up to her how she handled them.
Instead of going directly to Cal’s when she got home tonight, for the first time in two weeks, she went into her own house, engaging the new locks and setting the alarm that Cal had insisted she have installed, when she closed the door behind her. She shivered as she walked up the stairs. She had only come to get the things she planned to wear, but the thought that anyone could break into her house while she was there still frightened her. She hadn’t been alone since, and this was a test for her. She had set herself this goal, and if she could just stop jumping at every sound, she would make it through. She gathered the items she had come for and hurried back down the stairs. Her cellphone rang as she unlocked the door.
“Hello?”
“Where are you, Viv?” Cal’s voice soothed her nerves.
“I’m next door. I needed something. I’ll be right there.”
She hung up and hurried over, and he was waiting for her at the door.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yea
h.” She walked past him and he followed her into his kitchen.
“What would you like?’ he asked. “Have you eaten?”
“I’m...I’m not hungry,” she replied, suddenly nervous. This was the man she loved, and he would never hurt her, but her hands were trembling around the strap of the bag that held the negligee she had collected from her bedroom.
“What’s wrong, Viv?” Cal’s voice just behind her startled her. She swung around to face him as he said, “Talk to me, baby.”
She inhaled deeply, and told him. “I want you to make love to me.”
Cal said nothing for a long moment, and then he asked, out of the blue, “What’s in the bag, baby?”
She handed it to him, and he opened it, taking out each piece of flimsy material, inspecting them, until he came to the last piece and looked up.
“These are for me?” he wanted to know, his face serious.
She blushed and nodded.
He was silent again, and she looked up to find that his eyes on her were warm and tender.
“Baby, don’t you know you don’t have to do anything to make me want you?”
She shook her head. “I want to be sexy for you,” she whispered. “And for me. I need to know I’m more than a hole for a man to jerk off in.”
“Come here,” he told her, pulling her into his body. “Look at me.” He waited until she did, and then he said, “I don’t want you to come to me this way, baby.”
She pulled away from him, and began to put the things back into the bag. She fought the tears that threatened. She hadn’t expected Cal to reject her, and the wound was worse than the pain of being raped by that other man she had thought she loved. Her hands trembled, and when he tried to hold her, she spun around and shoved him.
“Let me go!” she cried, angry that tears were streaming down her face. “Don’t touch me!”
He ignored her, and held her resisting body still until she stopped struggling of her own accord and stared mutinously up at him.
“Think about it, Viv,” he urged her. “If I let you swan around in a sexy negligee to seduce me, and we have sex, and then I leave, what are you gonna remember?”
He waited for her to answer him. She didn’t want to think about it. She wanted him to fuck her so she could erase the memory of the rape, of her feelings of helplessness, of the fear that Ray would break her spirit completely. But she knew Cal was right. Even if she dressed up for him, anything they did together would be forced. He would never force her, and especially not to get her to sleep with him. And she needed to be wanted for who she was, not for how she could satisfy any man. Ray had broken her, after all, and now Cal didn’t want what was left. And it was her fault.
“I’m...I’m sorry, Cal,” she whispered. She turned away again, and gathered up the rest of her things. “I’ll...I’ll just go now. I’ll be back tomorrow to pick up the rest of my things.” She stiffened her spine and walked away from him, stopping with the front door open when he asked,
“Are you leaving me, now?”
Stifling a sob at the pain she knew she was causing him, she turned briefly to say, “I have no choice, Cal. I’m broken. You need someone whole.” He stepped towards her, but she held a hand up to stop him. “No. I need to get my life back. You’re right. I want to remember only good things between us. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She was relieved when he let her go without arguing. She was drained emotionally, but she knew she had to handle this on her own. The rest of the week was lonely. Cal had watched her pack her things and move back into her own house. She had told him she didn’t need him to meet her at the bus any more, and so she rarely saw him, except for his massages. She knew she was hurting him, but she didn’t know how to fix it. She had tried to make him treat her like an object, the way Ray had, and then had gotten mad when he refused. She sighed as she opened her door on Friday night. The weekend was here again, and now she would be alone, because she had left Cal. He was right...she had left him, this time.
After locking the door and setting the alarm, she walked into the kitchen in the semi darkness...there was now always a nightlight on in the front foyer. She threw down her backpack and switched on the light. Everything was in order. And as she wasn’t hungry, she switched it off again and walked out. Cal had had his physical and psych eval today, and she knew she should call him, but after a week of almost no conversation, she wasn’t sure what she could say to heal the breach she had caused.
Upstairs, she took a long, hot shower, changed into an old sleep tee and socks, and slid into bed. It was ten o’clock. She needed to stop being a coward and talk to Cal, especially since she didn’t know when he would be called back to active duty. As she lay there struggling with what to say to him when she called, her cellphone rang. Assuming it was Val, as no one else ever called her this late at night, she answered carelessly.
“Why aren’t you asleep?” Cal’s voice jerked her upright, setting her heart beating madly in her chest.
“Why aren’t you?” she countered, hoping to give herself time to calm down.
“I asked first,” he said, teasing her.
“No reason. I just got into bed.” She smoothed the sheet over her legs, and then said, “Why aren’t you asleep?”
“Because I’m in my studio,” he answered.
Her heart leapt. She knew what he did when he was unsettled...she had seen evidence of it three weeks ago, after the rape.
“Still drawing from memory?” she asked tremulously, daring to hope she hadn’t lost him after all.
“That’s all I have these days,” he replied, and she wondered if she had really heard a wistful note in his voice.
“You don’t sound happy about that,” she said, and waited.
“Would you be happy with a memory if the real deal were right next door?”
She swallowed the sob of joy that rose in her throat. “No,” she managed to whisper.
The silence stretched after she answered him. Then he asked, “What are you wearing?”
“My old Superwoman t-shirt and red striped socks.”
“Nothing on underneath?” His breathing had deepened.
“No.” Her breath hitched in response.
“Do you miss me, baby?”
“Do you?”
“What do you think?”
She was breathless now, as though he were in the room, touching her. “I think you do.”
“And you’re right, of course. So, do you miss me?”
She gulped. “Yes.”
She listened as he inhaled deeply, and exhaled hard, before he said, “Wait for me. I’ll be right there.”
He hung up before she could respond, and she slid back beneath the covers, shivering, though not with cold. She listened for him, and when his footsteps sounded on the stairs, her heart threatened to jump from her chest. He knocked, and she invited him in, and sat up when he opened the door. He was wearing his ragged old jeans, and a leather bomber jacket, which he drew off his shoulders immediately, displaying dark wife beaters. He stood just inside the door, watching her watch him.
“Would you like to sit down?” she asked inanely, and when he chuckled, she felt something inside her loosen. She had missed him so much, and now he was here.
“Where would you like me to sit?” he asked, remaining by the door.
She smiled, beginning to relax. “Wherever you like,” she replied. “Mi casa es su casa.”
He chuckled again. “Well, you see, that might be difficult, because there’s someone sitting in my spot. I need to be where she is, because my lap is where she needs to be.”
He moved toward her at last, and stopped beside the bed. He looked down at her, and she slid her legs out from under the covers and stood up. He reached for her then, and she went willingly into his arms, wrapping her own around him and holding him as though she would never let him go. He hugged her, not speaking, just breathing and smoothing his hands over her back. Finally, he loosened his grip and looked down at h
er again.
“I’ve missed you, baby, in my house, in my bed, in my arms.”
“I’m sorry, Cal,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Shhhh!” he whispered, covering her lips with his briefly. “No apologies. You’re hurting. You need to figure out how to heal for yourself. I respect that.” He kissed her lips gently again, and then added, “And I love you for it, baby. So very much. Everything about you is sexy to me...even when you fall apart, because you always pull yourself back together again.” Another gentle kiss, demanding nothing, before he continued. “It’s been a hellish week, having you so near and yet so far away. But if it means we’re okay again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
She cupped his cheek in her hand and smiled at him. “We’re good,” she whispered, and kissed him back. “Now, before I forget, tell me about the physical and the psych eval.”
He grinned, and said, “Captain Caleb Appleton, United States Army, reporting for duty, Ma’am!”
He let her go to salute smartly, and then pulled her back into his arms, as though he couldn’t bear to be away from her. She resisted the tears that threatened again at the thought of letting him go back to the front lines. She had been a soldier’s wife. She knew what that entailed. And while she had missed Ray, in the beginning, what she was feeling now was far worse than anything she had ever felt when Ray left. Cal was a Green Beret, which meant he was often in a great deal of danger... Cal’s voice brought her back to the moment.
“Stop it!” he ordered her. “I’m here now, and I will be until after Thanksgiving at least. Let’s live right now, in this minute, and not let ourselves worry about the future. Okay?”
He tipped her chin up to look into her eyes, and then he kissed her, this time with a hint of the passion he felt for her. She opened her mouth to let him in, and the touch of his tongue on hers filled her with sweetness. Her response seemed to trigger something in him, because his arms tightened around her and he deepened the kiss. She relaxed, letting him sweep away her fears, and wash away the lingering hurt. She needed this time with him to make memories she could call up when the pain returned. Her knees weakened when he squeezed her ass cheeks and pulled her against his hardening body, letting her feel what she was doing to him.
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