“You want to know why I am acting out?”
He paused a long while so that I thought he wanted me to answer, “Yes I..”
“I am acting out because my parents are getting a divorce.”
“I had no idea! Samuel. I am so sorry that is terrible. If only you told me, I wouldn't have said what I did.”
“Well you said it, and there isn't take backs. But my parents getting divorced isn't the worst part. The thing that has been driving me nuts, is their back and forth fighting, over my custody. My mother wants me to live with her, while my father wants me to stay with him. I get the final decision, so they are putting me against them. They are trying to win me over, guilt me into picking one over the other. It is disgusting. I don't want to pick. I just want to live with both of them. I don't see why we can't live together. Everything was going so good. Why do they have to get divorced now? Why not after I graduate and go to college? I just don't understand.”
I didn't know what to tell him, so I sat in silence. I noticed a tear run down his cheek and I tried to wipe it away with a tissue, but Samuel grabbed my hand, “Don't. I am leaving anyways.”
Then he got up and left my room. A few moments later I heard the front door slam. Then everything was silent again.
I just stared at the open door. Like a crime investigator, I pictured that I was looking at Samuel's finger print on the doorknob. Except, Samuel hadn't committed the crime, I had. I was the one who was in the wrong. I had asked for a break because I didn't want to put up with him. He was right though, he had put up with me when I was down. It was a double standard I couldn't keep.
My father came in and asked me what had happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it, but my body language showed otherwise. I was crossing my arms to protect myself from the emotions I felt. But, my dad had a way of prying them out, so just seeing him made me begin to cry.
He came over and sat next to me rubbing my back. I told him that I had messed up. That I might have ruined my relationship with Samuel. Even though I am sure he wanted to know what happened, he didn't ask again. He just rubbed my back and comforted me.
He was a great father, the very best. He knew when he needed to talk, and when he needed to be quiet. It was the reason my mother and him had gotten along for so many years. He knew when it was best to walk away and let things cool off, or when it was time to hold my mother tight and make her feel safe. He had always been good at dealing with situations. Tonight was no different. Except, for the first time, I saw a bit of my mom in him. He had picked up some of her habits. It was a way of bringing closure to his life. Keeping my mother alive. Tonight I saw it. I saw the habits!
The figure eight pattern on my back, the southing voice, and the silent stare that gave me comfort. He was channeling my mothers energy. She was trying to tell me something. There was something I needed to know, but what was it?
It didn't matter. Not right now. Now it was time to figure out how to get Samuel back.
Chapter 12
A week has passed and Samuel still isn't talking to me. Every time I try to talk to him, he avoids me. I feel terrible about what I did, but he isn't making it easier.
I feel like we just need to talk things over, straighten things out. He seemed to have a lot on his chest, and it probably felt good when he released it. So, I figure that if he lets it all out, we may be able to work through our relationship.
However, if he doesn't talk to me, then nothing will change. His parents are still going to get divorced, and avoiding me would mean that he would have to go through it alone. Is that what he wanted?
God this whole thing is driving me crazy. I thought taking some time apart would be easy. That I would have time to focus on me. I was wrong! Now I have all this free time to think about what I could have done different. Thinking about what Sam is thinking. Wondering if he will ever come around.
I try to not think about it, but I can't escape it. Sam floods my mind. Tonight I am trying to study for a test, yet I find it useless. The information goes in one ear and out the other. I just can't focus.
The test is important and I know that. I know that I need to get a good grade, or I will inflict more damage to my transcript. Nevertheless, my heart is stronger then my mind. My heart focuses on Sam, so my mind can't focus on school.
In fact, I can't focus on anything. I am not hungry, and I can't sleep. My shooting is off so my coach has benched me. Everyone wants me to snap out of it, but I can't. I can't just pretend that it doesn't hurt to see a relationship I had for three months disappear in the blink of an eye. I can't just forget about Sam. Especially after how things ended. It couldn't end like that. There had to be more.
I know I am young, but the pain I feel is real. They say that to have loved and lost is better then to never have loved. Yet, I feel like I have lost. I feel like I am lost. That everything I once knew has changed.
Brooklyn seems tainted now. Just like Stamford after my mothers death, it didn't feel like home. It felt like a hostile place. A place that I didn't belong. The cities skyline has begun to grasp my breathe. I feel claustrophobic again, like I am being caged in.
I see my future begin to fade. The once bright light is beginning to burn out. I want to go home. I want to go back to Stamford. I want to see my mother again. To eat dinner as a family and talk about college. To go back to the time that my grades weren't so poor. The time when I had a bunch of friends and I felt like I belonged.
I want to go back. Can't I just go back? If I can't, then can I forget about Samuel? Can I please forget the pain? I just want to move on to the next step in my life. I want to get out of this place. I want to go somewhere new, get a fresh start.
Somewhere that nobody knows me. A place where I can become someone else. Where I can become care free and forget all the pain.
Who am I kidding. A place like that doesn't exist. Because if it did, I would already be there. The truth is, my mothers death would follow me wherever I went. My grades would always be scarred. My walls would always be up. The damage was already done and it couldn't be changed. No matter how much I wished for life to go back to the old days, it wasn't going to.
So I guess all I can do is try to get back up. To focus on my grades and block out the outside world. Begin my countdown to summer and think of getting to visit Atlanta. Focus on getting into colleges and starting the fresh start I crave.
Sitting around and pouting won't change anything. In fact, I bet Samuel has already moved on. He probably hasn't wasted any of his time thinking about me. So why should I think about him? Screw Samuel, I don't care what he does, and with whom he does it. He can do whatever he wants and it wouldn’t affect me in the slightest.
I was done letting him control how I felt. It was time to become a strong independent women. I didn't need a man to make me happy. If I wanted to be happy, then I be damned if can't do it on my own.
Chapter 13
“Hey dad I am home.” I said walking into the kitchen.
I had just gotten home from school and was planning on relaxing before practice.
“I am in the kitchen.” I heard my father say from the other room.
I walked in to find him marinating some chicken.
“Making dinner?” I asked.
“What, um yes. Yeah I am marinating the chicken for later. You want to eat before practice, or after?”
“I will eat after, but you can eat when you are hungry, don't wait up on me.”
“Okay well if I eat before, I will leave a plate in the oven for you.”
“That sounds good. You going somewhere later?” I inquired.
“Yeah I just have some errands to run. Me and Maya are going to go look for some wedding decorations.”
“It is only February!”
“Well its better to get a jump start. August will be here before we know it.”
“Okay well I guess I will see you tonight. I am going to go take a nap in my room.”
My father nodded and I grabbed a granola b
ar and left the kitchen.
“Oh wait, Alexis.”
I turned around, “Yeah dad?”
“I almost forgot to tell you, this was in the mail.”
He handed me a small envelope.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I don't know, there isn't a return address and I didn't open it. The only thing it says is “To Alexis.”
Curious, I ran my finger nail through the top and opened up the envelope. Inside was a small letter. I lifted it out and read it silently.
Alexis,
I stopped by your locker today, but you weren't there. I wanted to tell you this in person, but I never managed to work up the courage. The thing is, there is something you should know about me. There is something I did, that you need to know.
I know that we aren't dating, that what he had is over, but this is bigger then just us. See the thing is.... I don't know any other way to say it other than, I had sex with Maya.
Now before you get mad and throw this letter down, know it happened after we had broken up. It was one day after school. I stopped by to see you, but you must have been at practice. I knocked on the door, and Maya answered. She must have just gotten out of the shower, because she was in nothing but a towel.
Stuttering, I asked if you were home and she said you weren't. I thanked her and told her to tell you that I stopped by. As I turned around she stopped me. She said, 'Wait, how about you wait here?'
I told her that it wasn't a good idea, that I didn't want to be a burden. Still, she insisted. She told me that you would be home shortly and that I could go watch television in the living room, while I waited.
Hesitant, I agreed and entered the apartment. I went into the living room and turned on the television.
Maya left the room and headed to her bedroom. I assumed she was going to go get dressed. However, she returned to the living room a few minutes later. She was still dressed in nothing but a towel. Yet, this time she had a peculiar look on her face.
'Say Samuel, can you help me with something?' She asked me. I asked what, and she told me that she needed help opening up a drawer in her room. She said it was stuck and that she couldn't get her clothes out of it.
I told her sure and then walked to the bedroom. Getting to the dresser, I tried the drawer and it easily opened. I turned around confused as to why she needed my help. When I turned around, she dropped her towel to the floor and stood naked.
I didn't know what to do. I was transfixed, and couldn't help but stare. She had a demoniac look on her face. I wanted to leave, but my legs wouldn't moved.
She grabbed me and brought me to the bed. She said that she had always had her eye on me, that when she found out that I was recently single, all she could think about was having me. She took off my shirt, then we made love.
I know things with us are over. I just thought you should know. Your father is a good man, and he deserves to know the truth.
Sam
I held the note close and kept reading the same line over, “I had sex with Maya. I had sex with Maya.”
I couldn't stop reading the line. My body was stuck in a loop, and with each reading it became more painful. “I had sex with Maya.”
Tears started to run down my face. “I had sex with Maya.” My hands started to shake. “I had sex with Maya.” My stomach began to knot.
My father seeing me asked, “Alexis are you okay.” He had a worried look on his face. “What did the letter say? Was it from Samuel.”
I didn't know what to do, so I nodded. “Yes its from Samuel.” I whispered.
“Well can I see it?” he asked.
“No. Ah its personal. Maybe some other time but not right now. I am going to go take a nap.”
I left the room in a hurry, and didn't look back. Once my door was shut, I let my emotions erupt. I ran over and plopped myself onto the bed. I screamed into my pillow as my hands and feet pounded the mattress. There were so many feelings coming on all at once. I didn't know what to do. I was in a state of shock.
Just as I was about to fix my life, it came crashing down again. The letter held so much weight on my heart. Part of me wants to tell my father, but another part wants to keep it a secret. The information enclosed in the tiny envelope would kill him. It would eat away at the man he had become. The happy, loving, and strong man he has become.
Still, how could I deny him the right of knowing. The ability to make a decision for himself. After all, he was suppose to marry Maya in a little less then six months. Shouldn't he know of this information before taking her hand?
On the other hand, what if Samuel was lying? Maybe he was just trying to make me jealous. He knew I despised Maya. He knew that pretending to have sex with her would piss me off. I would feel pain, just as I had made him feel pain.
But was he that sick? That twisted so as to go out of his way to cause me pain?
No, he wasn't that way. He wouldn't do that to me. Better yet, he wouldn't do that to my father. He loved my father, so how could he have done this? What was he thinking? Even if my father forgives Maya, she will always be a child rapist. Samuel isn't eighteen, so if word ever go out, she would be arrested, and taken away.
Was this letter a form of black mail? A way to let me know that he had control over me. That if I didn't do what he asked, he would go to the police?
Again, I find that hard to believe. The note seemed genuine. It seemed that Sam was really sorry. The note wasn't brief, it was long and detailed. He tried to fully explain the situation. Someone who didn't care wouldn't have done that. He still cared about me, he cared about my father. The note was a way of showing that he wanted to make things right. He wanted my father and I to know the truth. To rid our selves of the plague, the hideous monster that was named Maya Greenwood.
But how would we do it? How would I do it? That is, how would I tell my father about Maya. Would he believe me? Would he take Samuels word, or would he live in denial?
There were too many unanswered questions. To many ifs for me to show my father the letter right now. I needed time to think. Time to come up with a plan of attack. So, I took the letter and carefully placed it bellow my pillow.
Walking over to my closet, I grabbed my practice jersey and a pair of shorts. I changed into some sweat pants and a sweat shirt and grabbed my duffle bag. Shutting the door, I shut the light off in my room. I watched as the light from the hallway creeped over my pillow. A shot fired to my mind. What if my father finds the note while I am gone?
He won't, I reassured myself. He will be out with Maya for the night. When I get back, I will find a better spot. Right now I need to get to practice. I am already late!
Chapter 14
Getting home from practice my first priority was going directly to the kitchen. I was starving. Taking off my coat and shoes, I walked down the hallway. As I walked, I found it peculiar that I didn't smell the marinated chicken. Usually my dads cooking made the whole house smell wonderful.
Getting to the kitchen I opened up the oven to find an empty rack. Well thats weird, I thought. Dad said he was going to leave my dinner in the oven for when I got home. He must have forgot and put it in the fridge.
I went over to the fridge and opened up the door. Looking at the top self I saw french dressing, ketchup, a tub of margarine, some left overs of last nights lasagna, a bowl of salad. No chicken on that shelf! I thought, bending down to look at the second row.
As my eyes adjusted to the new row, they became transfixed on a bag towards the back. I reached for it and pulled it closer so I could see. As I did so, I began to realize the contents of the bag. It was the four pieces of chicken my dad had marinated a few hours early. They were still raw not showing any signs of being cooked.
Perhaps he changed his mind and went out to eat? Maybe he is saving the chicken for tomorrow?. Oh well I will just make myself some canned soup.
I went over to the cupboard and grabbed a can of chicken noodle soup. Running the can opener over its edge, I pulled back at th
e lid and emptied the contents into a bowl. I placed the bowl in the microwave and put the timer to three minutes. Pressing start, the microwave began to buzz, and the timer started its countdown.
As the soup heated, I decided to bring my bag to my room. Exiting the kitchen, I walked through the living room towards my room. As I walked, a figure caught my eye and made me jump back.
“Jesus! Dad is that you?”
The figure was sitting in the dark, in a rocking chair. Rocking back and forth, slowly, the figure's body moved eerily, casting a slight shadow from the kitchen's light.
“Dad? Dad is that you?” I said again. This time I was starting to back up. I was afraid that someone had broke into our apartment. Maybe it was an angry client. Someone my dad couldn't help stay out of jail. They had gotten out and were seeking vengeance.
The figure didn't answer. It just rocked back and forth. So I headed to the kitchen to grab a knife. Coming back to the room, I gripped the chopping knife in my right hand and shined my phones flashlight with my left.
I realize I could have turned on the light switch, but I was to afraid to see who was there. I was afraid of what I was going to see. Who I was going to see.
So instead, I cast my flashlight around the room slowly. The living room was a mess. The glass table was shattered. Some chairs were knocked over. Moving across the floor there was a streak coming off the carpet, as if something had been dragged.
With my hand tightly around the knife, I flashed the light over the figure. Sitting in the chair, with a piece of paper in his hand, was my father.
I immediately dropped the knife and ran over to him.
“Jesus dad, you scared me! What are you doing?”
He didn't answer. “Dad, dad are you alright? What happened here? Where is Maya?”
He mumbled something but I couldn't hear what he said.
“What was that dad? What is going on?”
This time he raised his voice so that I could hear, “I had to do it.”
I was confused, “You had to do what? What did you did you have to do?”
Careful Wishing (Alexis Sherman's Tell All Book 1) Page 4