“Oh, that makes all the difference.”
Philip cleared his throat. “Sarcasm, Amy.”
“Sorry.”
“His Excellency is correct.” Sooka Black poured a cup, doused himself with water, and shivered, throwing drops everywhere. “A cleansing with holy water is required to enter the palace.”
Amy sighed. “Can I get a holy hair dryer? A sacred towel? I’m no girly-girl, but I don’t want to walk around all day with wet hair.”
Sunflower stared at her. “You’re a female?”
“Nice one. You know you’ve used that joke before, right?”
“Amy, allow me to assist you,” said Philip. The teenager poured water into the hand-held ladle. “Hold your head over the basin.”
“Don’t you dare!”
Philip winked. “Trust me.”
Amy pouted for a second, and then leaned over the stone basin. Without warning, Philip gasped and pointed at the forest across the plaza.
“By the gods! Look––a squirrel!”
Sooka Black, Sunflower, and the entire troop of cats scrambled in a mad, chaotic dash across the plaza, tails twitching and eyes searching the trees.
“Where?” growled Sunflower. “I’m the Emperor. I get to chase it!”
Betsy hopped in front of him. “You’ve never seen a squirrel in your life. I’m a dog and the only one qualified to catch it.”
“You can’t even climb a tree!”
Water splashed behind them. The cats turned to see Philip setting an empty ladle on the edge of the stone basin.
“There you go, Miss Armstrong. All finished dousing you with holy water.”
Amy bowed with a clumsy half-curtsey. “Thank you.”
Sooka Black stared wide-eyed at the pair of humans. “It’s a miracle! Your friend’s hair is completely dry. The holy water has magically evaporated!”
Sunflower shrugged. “Mabily …”
The troop of white cats gathered at Amy’s feet, bowed low to the ground, and meowed with a stream of low, reverent tones.
Sooka Black turned to Sunflower. “Once we find this squirrel and destroy it, we’ll consecrate your friend as a living goddess. Word will quickly spread over the planet of this miracle of disappearing water.”
Amy shrugged. “Being called a goddess is fine, but no autographs, please.”
Philip cleared his throat. “Quite. As it happens, I believe I was mistaken about the squirrel. It was simply a falling leaf. No need to over-excite yourselves about that.”
Betsy growled. “A leaf that looks like a squirrel? Kill it!”
The terrier scrambled across the open plaza, jumping and biting at dozens of suspicious leaves on the ground.
“At least Betsy has something to do for the next week,” said Sunflower. “Shall the rest of us––”
A high-pitched scream split the air. A tiny shape flew out of the forest and plunged into the stone basin, showering everyone with water.
“Nice one,” said Amy, holy liquid dripping down her face.
Philip reached into the water and pulled out a fluttering Nick, her hair and dress completely soaked. The tiny sprite coughed and fanned her transparent wings with a sound like the outboard motor from Barbie’s pink plastic fishing boat.
“Where is he? I’m gonna kill him!”
Amy shrugged. “Who?”
“That stupid bluebird! He laughed at me and called my dress ugly. How do you think I got so wet?”
Philip set the blonde-haired sprite on the edge of the stone basin. “You plummeted into the water, that’s how.”
The miniature woman stamped her bare leg. “No, I didn’t! I was chasing him and he pushed me in! I swear I’m never making friends ever again.”
“Finally, some good news,” said Sunflower.
Nick crossed her arms and shivered. “And now I’m going to freeze to death!”
“It must be my birthday,” said Sunflower.
“Ooo! I hate cats! They’re so mean.”
Amy pointed to the circle of wide-eyed cats around the basin. “Not a smart thing to say on a planet full of them.” She untied the black ribbon from her hair and gave it to Nick. “Remember––not all cats are like Sunflower. Here, use this.”
Nick wrapped the black material around her body in a makeshift towel. “How’s it gonna stay in place?”
Amy pulled a bobby pin from her hair and slid it down the back of the ribbon. “Problem solved.”
Philip picked up the sprite and guided her into a pocket of his jacket. “You can ride with me until you warm up.”
“Are the honored guests ready to proceed?” asked Sooka Black. “Let us continue.”
The brown cat led Amy and her friends across the plaza in the direction of the golden pagoda, as the troop of white cats filled their helmets from the pump and and poured water on their furry heads.
“What’s the plan for today?” asked Sunflower. “If you say meetings, meetings, meetings, and more meetings I swear I’ll burn this place to the ground.”
“No meetings are on the agenda, sire. Would you like drinks and refreshment?”
Sunflower watched Betsy gallop across the plaza with a leaf on his nose. “Not really. I don’t eat normal food.”
“I assure you, Excellency, it is prepared by the best cat chefs and far from normal food.”
“That’s not what I meant. It’s … uh, it’s not easy to explain. Anyway, I bet my friends are starving. I just wanted to know if there was anything fun to do around here. The Emperor gets all the cable channels, right?”
“Of course, sire. In that case, it is my humble suggestion that Your Excellency retires to his chambers for a rest. The Emperor may visit with his council in the morning, and if he wishes, may choose to hold court.”
“Groovy.”
“Sire?”
“Uh, the Emperor approves.”
Sooka Black led the group toward the pagoda and passed through a simple gate of mahogany beams and plaster walls. A pair of gigantic red doors covered in hundreds of fist-sized brass studs creaked open, and on the other side Amy saw a dozen white cats in samurai helmets and lacquered black armor. All stood at attention on their back legs and held cat-sized assault rifles against their furry shoulders.
The humans and cats followed Sooka Black across a small plaza and through another red-painted, brass-studded door. The yellow pagoda loomed tall against the pale blue sky, but instead of continuing to the multi-storied tower, Sooka Black turned right and trotted through a wooden breezeway, the bright red beams covered with hand-painted nature scenes.
“Aren’t we going to the palace?” asked Amy. “I thought it was the big yellow thing. Don’t tell me it’s not a real palace and made of cheese or something weird, because at this point I’d believe anything.”
Sooka Black stopped and stared at her. “Cheese? Never in a million poona years. Ah, but I see the confusion. The Hall of Harmonious Justice is where the Emperor holds court, but does not sleep. That is the royal living area, which lies ahead.”
The covered breezeway led them past dozens of rooms, the sliding doors wide open and packed with cats wearing necklaces of twisted black-and-white cloth, each bowing low and touching chin to front paws. A mournful plucking sound carried across the warm breeze, and as they passed a stone garden filled with tall and rounded limestone, Amy saw a tuxedo cat sitting behind a table. The cat wore an embroidered white robe and played a long, horizontal zither, his paws gliding over the strings of the lacquered wood instrument.
“A harp of some kind?” murmured Philip. “Odd to see a cat playing music on that.”
“Odd to see a cat playing music on anything,” said Amy.
Sooka Black opened a pair of sliding doors and led them to a chamber full of soft yellow couches and pillows covered in delicate embroidery of fish and bright flowers.
“Wow,” said Sunflower, craning his neck. “Is this my bedroom?”
“This is simply a rest area, sire,” said Sooka Black. “A sm
all room where guests may meet with Your Excellency. Your bedroom and those of your wives are through a nearby corridor.”
Amy and Philip looked at each other. “Wives?”
A door flew open and a packed mob of cats streamed into the room, all of different breeds and wearing collars of twisted yellow cloth. The deafening chatter and giggles of dozens of female voices filled the room, along with an overpowering cloud of many different perfumes.
“Sunflower, you’re back!”
“Dearest Excellency!”
“We’ve waited so long!”
“You’ve so much to tell us!”
“Me! Me! Look at me, sire!”
The female cats pulled Sunflower toward the door through which they’d entered the room. The orange tabby simply grinned at his friends as they dragged him away. The wooden door slid shut with a bang, and the eager chatter and giggles faded to silence.
“You don’t see that every day in the park,” said Philip. “Unless you’re the Emperor, I suppose.”
Amy shook her head. “I hope Sunflower’s going to be okay.”
“The Emperor has been absent several years, and his wives are happy to see him,” said Sooka Black. “There is no danger to his person.”
Nick peeked her head out of Philip’s jacket pocket. “His person? It looked like they were going to eat him!”
“It is not a custom on Tau Ceti to devour the Emperor.”
“With that many females around, he may wish for death,” said Philip. “Ouch! My ribs!”
“Sorry,” said Amy. “My elbow slipped really hard.”
A scratching came from the double doors of the entrance. Amy slid one to the side and Betsy tumbled into the room.
“Finally,” gasped the brown and white terrier, his pink tongue drooping from his jaws. “I found you. We gotta help Sunflower––he’s been kidnapped by a bunch of cats!”
“Can’t kidnap the willing,” said Philip. “Those are his wives.”
Betsy stared at him. “Wives? Wow, the more I learn about Sunflower, the less I know.”
“That’s hard to believe,” squeaked Nick.
“It’s like that night at the sorority I’ve been trying to tell you about,” said Betsy. “He snuck inside all by himself and the next morning––”
Amy held up a hand. “Too much information, Betsy. Right now, I’m starving.”
Sooka Black bowed. “I will have food sent immediately,” he said, and pushed through a tiny square door.
Amy plopped onto a soft yellow couch and stretched out, her arms above her head. “What an exhausting day, and it’s not even over!”
Philip sat on a nearby cushion. “I agree. Quite an interesting development, what with Sunflower being the Emperor of Tau Ceti and all.”
Amy rolled onto her side and closed her eyes. “So soft …”
“The resources of a planetary empire should make it easy to find Cynthia MacGuffin,” said Philip. “We should be able to repair the recombinator and return you to Earth in no time at all.”
“Earth,” murmured Amy.
“Hey, Nicky,” whispered Betsy. “Want to go look for some real food?”
“They’re bringing it to us, you moron,” hissed the sprite. “Didn’t you hear what the brown cat said?”
“That’s boring human food. I saw some candy when I was looking for you guys.”
“Bring it on!” squealed Nick.
The tiny blonde woman clambered out of Philip’s pocket and buzzed through the air to Betsy. She plopped onto the dog’s neck like a miniature cowgirl and grabbed his fur with both hands.
“Giddyup and go!”
The brown-and-white terrier scrambled through the double doors of the entrance with Nick on his back, leaving Amy and Philip completely alone.
Philip sat unmoving on his cushion and watched her for a moment. “Are you tired?”
Like a teenager paralyzed from the neck down, Amy kicked off her shoes with a flick of her ankles, and they thumped onto the soft carpet.
“A little,” she murmured. “Confused at everything. Lot of things happened today.”
Philip nodded. “The real Emperor is missing.”
“Yep.”
“What happens if he comes back?”
Amy brushed blonde hair out of her eyes. “That’s a good reason to find this MacGuffin cat as soon as possible.”
“What if MacGuffin doesn’t exist in this dimension?”
Amy yawned. “Then we’re stuck here. Not HERE here, but this version of the galaxy.”
She felt the couch sink as Philip sat next to her waist.
“Quite a few ‘what ifs’ ahead of us,” said the dark-haired teenager. “What if we find MacGuffin and fix the recombinator on the ship? What if we actually find your Earth, your 1995, your family? There’s no way to return to my dimension. No way back to my family.”
Amy opened her eyes. “I thought you didn’t want to return, that it was a horrible life. What about all that stuff about staying with me? Are you taking it back?”
Philip turned red. “Not at all!” He took Amy’s hand and kissed the back of her fingers. “There is no question when it comes to you and me, dearest Amy. There is no ‘what if’ in my heart.”
“You’ve got a really strange look on your face,” said Amy. “Are you going to murder me now?”
“No,” murmured Philip.
“Why are you whispering?”
Philip smiled. “Because.”
He leaned down to kiss her, his gray eyes the color of rain and his pupils wide and black. His lips were soft and warm on Amy’s mouth, and she didn’t push him away.
A few minutes later, the double entrance doors slid open with a bang.
“We brought food!” yelled Betsy. “Wait––what are you doing?”
The teenagers sat up quickly and scooted to opposite sides of the cushion.
“Nothing,” said Amy, hastily brushing her fingers through her long blonde hair. “Not a thing.”
“It didn’t look like nothing,” said Betsy. “Nothing is staring at a wall and I know because I do it a lot. That looked like Philip was trying to eat you. It’s a good thing I found some food!”
“They were kissing, you dink,” said Nick. “Now we wait for the babies to come out.” She flew up to Amy and poked her in the belly with both hands. “How long does it take? Five minutes? I can’t wait that long!”
Amy turned red. “Stop asking me about that! I’m not having a baby. Not now, and not ever!”
Nick buzzed away from Amy’s swatting hands. “She’s mad! I think it means there’s a baby. Where does it come out? Her ears are red. I think it pops out of her ears.”
Philip cleared his throat. “If you don’t change the subject, I believe that Amy is going to lose her temper. I also suggest not staring at her, because it’s obvious what you’re thinking.”
Nick crossed her arms and pouted. “I’m not! Anyway, we found some candy made from honey, and some bags of sweet buns. I’ll share them with you.”
“As long as Betsy doesn’t eat anything,” said Philip. “He can only have ReCarb, the same blue spheres that Sunflower eats.”
“I know, I know,” said the terrier. “But can I put it in my mouth, chew it for a minute, and spit it out?”
Philip shook his head. “Once the camel sticks his nose under the tent, the body will soon follow.”
Betsy spun around. “Camel? Where?!!”
Amy took a bag of buns from Nick. She opened the crinkly clear plastic and wrinkled her nose at the smell.
“Where did you get these?”
Betsy trotted up to her. “Behind a building. It’s great, right?”
“Did you find this inside a big green can with a lid?”
“No.”
Amy sighed. “Good.”
“It was in a big metal box with a lid,” said Betsy. “With a million cool smells and all kinds of things squashed together in black bags!”
Amy handed the bag of sweet buns
back to Nick. “Thanks, but I don’t eat garbage.”
“Your loss,” said Nick. The tiny blonde woman pulled a glazed bun half her size from the package and shoved her face into it. “Junk food is garbage, isn’t that what you said, Philip?” she mumbled with a mouth full of sticky bread. “That’s what I love! Junk food.”
A lacquered door slid open, and Sooka Black trotted into the room at the head of a procession of tuxedo cats, each with silver trays strapped to their furry backs. Heaping dishes of food rattled and clinked on the trays.
Philip clapped. “Bravo!”
Sooka Black pressed a button on the wall and a low square of lacquered wood rose from the floor. The tuxedo cats tilted their trays and the dishes of food slid across and down to the table. The cats pushed cushions around all four sides and trotted out the same door.
“Please enjoy yourselves, honored guests,” said Sooka Black, and turned to leave.
Amy raised a hand. “Wait! What is all this stuff?”
“My apologies. I had forgotten you are not familiar with our cuisine.”
The brown cat leaned over the table and pointed at the various dishes.
“Slices of raw pwason from the royal lakes, uncooked somon from the streams of the Amber Mountains, chopped seaweed in sesame sauce, buckwheat noodles with fermented dipping sauce, bowls of white rice from the imperial fields, kribich covered in spicy-sweet glaze, milk buns, potato and poona stew infused with onion, and a bowl of live wouj.”
Sooka Black pointed to a large glass cylinder in the center of the table, filled with water and a swarm of goldfish.
Amy stared at the fish. “Live what? I’ve had sushi before, but goldfish? That’s like a school prank you force on your worst enemy. Not that I ever did that or anything.”
“The fish must be decorative and not part of the meal,” said Philip.
Sooka Black shook his head. “No, no. Live seafood is a very popular dish on Tau Ceti, but I apologize––this must have slipped through by accident. I gave the cooks very specific instructions not to include live fish. It will be removed at once.”
He clapped his paws. A pair of tuxedo cats appeared and carried off the heavy cylinder of water, gasping and sweating as they held it between them.
Amy glanced at Philip. “Cooks for live fish? They don’t have to ‘cook’ anything!”
Empire of the Space Cats (Amy Armstrong Book 2) Page 11