by Lee, Renee
His eyes went dark. “What about you, Shay?”
“Huh?”
“Your first time? When? Who?” He chin was set and he was clenching his jaw back and forth again. Then, he hesitated. “Do I want to hear it?”
I laughed. “No, it’s okay, really. His name was Seth Pratt and we were both twenty. We’d been together for a while in college and it just seemed like it was time to do it, I guess. It was terrible. He had no idea what he was doing….” I started laughing harder. “That boy couldn’t find a clitoris if it smacked him in the face. We broke up right before we graduated and I’ve never seen or talked to him again. I think we were both relieved.”
Thad grinned broadly at this news. “I’m glad it was awful. I hope every time you think of him, you think about how awful the sex was.”
***************
I started playing with the hairs below his belly button as he kept talking. “I just dated Dani in college. Lance has no room to talk at all, but I admit he was right about me having a bit of a revolving door before Dani. That night when he said that at Moe’s, though, I remember thinking, ‘No, man. Don’t say that in front of Shay. Fuck!’” He laughed at the memory.
I grinned back. “You hadn’t looked at me the whole night and when he said that, you did give me a look. I remember.”
He kissed the top of my head, still propped upon his chest. “I couldn’t look at you. You were a constant reminder of all the unethical things I wanted to do to you…and how weak my resolve was…”
“I was in the same boat,” I countered, smiling up at him.
He began again. “So in grad school, I didn’t really have any long-term relationships until Cameron. She was in grad school with me, along with Rebecca. We were the Three Musketeers. Cam was cool, like one of the guys. I think you’d like her, too. She didn’t really take a lot of shit off anybody, though, so when she started seeing how angry I get over shit, she didn’t stick around. She found a job right after we broke up. It wasn’t a big heartbreak. She found the love of her life soon after and got married. I was happy for her.”
“Do you still talk to her?”
“Sometimes over email, but only in a professional sense. She does know about you, though. She and Rebecca are still good friends. Rebecca told her I was head over heels about you and that you seemed to put up with my shit.” He looked down at me. “Don’t worry. Rebecca didn’t tell her the whole story….Rebecca said Cam told her I should hang onto you because any woman willing to put up with my shit was worth keeping.” He laughed.
Okay, that made me smile. I think I would like Cam. I was also secretly glad she was a hardass and not willing to put up with his shit….
“Any more?” I inquired.
“Just Gina. After Cam, I avoided relationships for a while because I knew I carried a lot of baggage, lots of daddy issues and anger issues…..in case you didn’t notice.” I squeezed his chest and he kissed the top of my head again. “I got the job at the other university and met Gina soon after. I thought she was sane at first and that she put up with ‘me for me’…..When I read that diary, though, I found out that she’d learned about my family money and moved here with the intent to ‘catch’ me….”
I muttered, “I cannot stand that manipulative skank…”
“After her, you can probably see why I avoided relationships. For the past few years, all I wanted from someone was sex…..until you.”
“So that day at the gas station? When you asked me to go with you? Did you just want sex then?”
He looked down at me and grinned. “At that time? Yeah. I wasn’t really thinking about anything else….” He shook his head. “Jesus, Shay. Sometimes you really have no idea how gorgeous you are. Of course my first thought was fucking you! Every guy at that gas station was thinking about it, too! And even though you intimidated the shit out of me, I said something because you looked so sad….and I was also pissed to think you were giving it up to that tool, Pete.…”
I laughed at his Pete comment, before registering something he’d said. “You? Intimidated?”
He just stared down at me. “You really have no idea, do you?”
I shrugged. “It’s not something I think about…my looks, I mean. It just doesn’t really register because it’s not something I value as a top priority, I guess.”
He nodded, his voice becoming soft. “I know. That’s part of the reason I fell hard for you, Smiles.”
I grinned. “You know when I first started falling for you, Pickup Grinner?”
“When?”
“When you bit my ear lobe playing pool!” I felt his laugh rumble deep within his chest.
Then, his face got serious as he thought about that Mark guy again. “I should’ve killed that guy the first time I had a chance…..Man, I was so pissed off that you put yourself in that position – and that someone else might take you up on it. No fucking way.”
I kissed his chest softly. He finally smiled again. “You were wearing that fucking dress….and then you backed your ass into me! I was so hard. You had no idea…..You were lucky I didn’t fuck you right there.”
“I probably would’ve been willing,” I laughed.
I looked up to find him grinning down at me. “I knew I was in for it when your nipples got hard at Keno’s the first time we touched,” he teased.
I slapped his chest. “I cannot believe you noticed that! I could have died!”
“Oh, believe me. I noticed. I swear, I blame it for me finally saying ‘yes’ to the Dean’s offer. I couldn’t think of anything else….”
***************
We kept on talking as the sun started to rise.
“Have you talked to Grant lately? He said he hadn’t talked to you,” I asked.
He shook his head. “Not really. I tried to give him some space so he wouldn’t be caught in-between. He was your friend first and I figured you needed him more than I did….” He hesitated.
I was drawing circles around his pecs. I looked up, “What is it?”
“Well, I did call him once – the day after that Skype meeting where I was plastered….”
I tensed up. “I’m sorry I told you, ‘fuck you’……Wait, no I’m not….” I grinned up at him.
He shook his head. “I deserved it every bit and more. I was already so fucking lost and then my dad showed up asking for money. I was trying to push you away from all of my baggage…..but I woke up sober the next day and felt like absolute shit. I just needed someone to talk to who knew you. I called him and we had a good talk.”
“What’d he say?”
“Well, honestly, he let me have it at first,” he laughed. “I was gonna tell him the truth about us, but he cut me off as soon as I started and said he already knew because we were so obvious….like a ‘homo hiding as an anti-gay preacher’ is how he put it….” Thad shook his head, smiling. “Then, he said he thought my pushing you away was dumb as shit.…and kept calling me ‘numbnuts’…” Thad laughed harder. “Who the fuck says that anymore? Anyway, then he gave me some really good advice, which has been running around in my head ever since…..I get it now.”
I looked up to him and met his eyes, waiting for him to elaborate.
Thad sat up in the bed, eyes full of amusement. “The conversation went something like this…”
He then attempted to do his best Dramatic Grant impression:
“‘Listen, I watched her drink herself into oblivion a few summers back over that Jeremy fuck and her best friend because she felt abandoned by those closest to her….And now, the one person she needs the most is doing again, just in a different way….So maybe you think you’re doing the right thing by letting her go, but Shay needs someone to fight for her for once, numbnuts.’”
I was smiling, trying not to laugh. “That was a really good impression. Scary good, actually.”
He grinned. “Thanks. I’ve been practicing.”
I hugged him tightly. “I hate it when that drama queen is right.”
&nb
sp; He squeezed me back. “Yeah, he’s smarter than he looks.”
“Let’s don’t ever tell him, though,” I pleaded.
“God no. We’d never hear the end of it.” Grin.
***************
I smiled and moved my head directly over his heart, just so I could hear its rhythm.
“Any more questions?” he prompted.
I thought long and hard. “I don’t think so, but you have to promise me that if we’re gonna run across someone somewhere that you banged, and you know they’re gonna be there, you just give me a head’s up….or if you think of something important about yourself that I don’t know….just fill me in. You’re like a jack-in-the-box sometimes, something jumping out at me when I least expect it. Jack-in-the-boxes are freaky.”
He laughed. “Deal. No jack-in-the-boxes…” He paused. “My turn. What about your relationships?”
“Well, in college, I’d only been with that guy. When I got to grad school, though, I dated two guys that first year. They weren’t one-night stands, but I wasn’t picking out rings, either. I mean, I had my fun. Then, I met Jeremy and thought about a long-term future. It took me two years to get over what they did to me, though. I drank way too much that summer and spent those next two years avoiding every guy I saw. I finally started dating Pete last year because he was boring and safe…..SO….I guess that makes….” I held up my fingers and counted – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I pointed at him when I got to the ‘6’.
“See, I’m still counting on two hands, Pickup Grinner,” I teased. I leaned up and kissed the hard lines of his flexed jaw. “Loosen up, cowboy,” I whispered. “You’re always grinding your jaw when you’re uncomfortable or pissy.”
He smiled, seemingly reluctantly. “I know I asked, but I regret it already. I don’t want to think about you having sex with anyone else…”
I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. It was good to know I wasn’t the only one with that problem.
His face got serious. “I’m glad you’re so amused, Smiles. I’ll tell you this, though. I hope I’m the last goddamn finger you ever hold up…...”
Chapter Twenty-Five
After that night, Thad said he couldn’t stay away from me anymore. He tried to apologize for being weak, and for what could happen to me, but I told him that I knew what I was getting into and was willing to risk it. It was true. I was willing to risk everything for him. I didn’t care about the consequences. I didn’t care about Gina. I didn’t care about my dissertation. I didn’t care about my reputation. I just didn’t want to be without him anymore.
There was no use in trying to fight what we had between us. It was more powerful than our collective willpower would ever be. We were “together” in every sense of the word, except in any professional setting. While we were at school or at any public function, we tried to act as mere professor and student. Basically, we were counting down the days until I could defend my dissertation and we could finally be out in the open. We didn’t have too much longer to go. My defense was scheduled for the end of that spring semester.
You know when you’re watching a movie and it’s been building up to a certain climax the entire time? You can tell when that point is near. You’re just waiting for the resolution to occur. My story would build up to the defense of my dissertation.
That entire spring semester, Dr. Hanover’s demeanor toward me became even more concerning. He began touching me more often – on the shoulder, on the knee as I sat across him, on the hip as he walked behind me. The innuendos and topics of conversation were becoming much more sexually themed. I’d never spoken to him about my personal life, but he was always asking about it. I tried to dodge those questions as best I could, steering the conversation elsewhere each time. I didn’t want him knowing any more about me than absolutely necessary. Still, I told no one. I couldn’t tell Thad. I knew he’d go crazy. I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone else. I should have. I think I thought I could survive it until the dissertation was over. I was also afraid no one would believe me.
***************
The night before my scheduled defense, Dr. Hanover set up a last-minute meeting in his office. He said he wanted to “go over some things for tomorrow.” He set it for 8:00 p.m., which seemed late, but I didn’t question it at the time.
“Sit down, Ms. Elliott. Please. I want to talk to you about your defense tomorrow.” He walked over and locked the door behind us. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair.
“Okay,” I stammered, waiting.
“I’ve been thinking about how we can go about this….” He smiled at me and I cringed. His smile was hideous to me now. “You’re a smart girl who’s also beautiful….You think I don’t know how you’ve been using that to your advantage with Dr. Reeding?”
I was stunned. What the hell? I sat up in my chair and started to reply, but he cut me off.
“I saw you all at Moe’s last semester in the hallway. It’s clear that you have no problem with using your body to get what you want, Ms. Elliott. I’ve tried being subtle with you and it’s gotten me nowhere.”
I thought back to that time at Moe’s. He had seen us.
“I’m going to make this easy for you to understand. If you want to pass your defense tomorrow, you’ll have to do a little something for me, too. If you refuse, you’ll fail your defense. If you try to report this, I’ll tell everyone what I saw with Dr. Reeding. Your career will be over before it even started.”
He grinned the creepiest grin and my stomach hurled. I was going to throw up. This couldn’t be happening. No.
He got up from his desk and walked behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to massage them. I didn’t even consider it for one second. Flinching at his disgusting touch, I jumped up out of my chair, shaking with anger. “You fucking pervert! This is sexual harassment. You can’t do this! What kind of person are you?”
He smirked. “I don’t see what the problem is. You’re okay with doing it for Dr. Reeding. What did he promise you in return?.....I’m offering you an easy choice here. If you tell anyone, I’ll not only make sure everyone knows about the two of you, but I’ll also deny it. I’ll tell them you propositioned me and went ballistic when I refused. Perhaps you came on to me because you weren’t prepared for the defense of your dissertation. Think about it – a grad student carrying on a sexual relationship with another committee member also propositions her advisor in return for passing her defense. Who are they going to believe? Me or you?…..So, how about it? Would you like to reach an agreement?”
He was actually blackmailing me – and using my relationship with Thad to help him do it. I was sick, physically and emotionally sick. No matter how you looked at it, I was totally screwed.
It was an easy decision, though. “Fuck you, asshole,” I sputtered and ran out.
I didn’t know what to do after I ran off, though. Normally, I’d talk to Thad, but I knew that he’d literally kill Hanover – kill him. Our relationship wasn’t likely to flourish if he was in jail. Grant. I could go see Grant….
***************
I ran all the way to Grant’s apartment, crying. Thankfully, he was there alone. “Princess, what’s wrong? Are you and Thad okay?”
I nodded my head, but couldn’t talk. All that came out was a jumble of words that made no sense. “Hanover…..” hiccup, “Pervert”, sniffle, hiccup, “Knows about Thad”……. “Propositioned me…” sniffle, “Fail defense now”….. “Can’t tell Thad…” Thanks to that awful drunken summer, Grant had learned to decipher my crazy crying language.
“Okay, Hanover knows about you and Thad and so he propositioned you? Fail defense?” His brows furrowed as he tried to decode, then it hit him. “He said he’d fail you if you didn’t do something for him?....And you’re afraid to tell Thad because lord knows that boy will go all sorts of crazy shit bonkers on Hanover…”
I nodded dramatically as he deciphered. “He said he’d tell everyone if I reported it…..that I came onto him….. like
I did with Thad!” More crying.
“Oh shit, Princess. This is bad. What the fuck?! Let’s think this through. You’ve got to file a sexual harassment grievance. You have to. He’ll do it again to someone else....It’s too late to do it tonight and you can’t do it before your defense tomorrow morning. That’ll just play right into his plan of making it look like you came onto him the night before and he turned you down. If he’s as diabolical as he sounds, then he’ll still fail you tomorrow….but maybe not. Maybe he’ll chicken out….” He sat down on the couch and thought some more. “You should file it tomorrow afternoon, afterwards. It’ll still look bad, Princess, especially if you fail. You’re basically calling his bluff right now…..Fuck.”
I listened to his advice and nodded. I had to handle this through the proper channels. I had to put aside my pride and all other fears and do this because it was the right thing to do. Heroines in movies wouldn’t hesitate to fight the powers that be in search of justice, right? Yet heroines in movies never had to watch videos of Anita Hill being skewered by a congressional committee and branded, for life, by even the most seemingly rational people, as a vindictive liar. It was the horrific reaction to the Anita Hills of the world that kept women from speaking up about harassment. No one wanted to be put in that position. The question was, was it worth it? I knew I had no choice. It would have to be worth it.
I texted Thad that night and told him I was staying at my place, doing last minute preparation. I told him I was nervous about tomorrow, which was true. He understood.
The next morning, I tried to walk into my dissertation defense with my head held high. I glanced around at my five-person committee and briefly met Thad’s eyes. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, to say to him, to explain, but I couldn’t. I wished he could read my mind, but I also knew that he wouldn’t be able to control his rage if he found out, either. That was the very last thing we needed. I finally met the eyes of Dr. Kyle Hanover and prepared for one of the worst moments of my life.