You Should Smile

by Lee, Renee

  It soon became clear that the entire thing was a set-up. Dr. Hanover had rigged it so that it would be impossible for me to pass. He started firing questions off at me that were never on our discussion list. Your advisor works with you to prepare for the defense and, usually, his/her job is to guide the committee along using those questions. The other members can then ask their own questions, but the advisor is the person who sets the tone for the entire defense. The other committee members had no idea how we’d prepared for the defense. All they saw was that I wasn’t able to answer these basic questions from my own advisor. I looked completely unprepared and incompetent. I tried to answer their questions as best I could. Thad had already told me that he wasn’t going to ask any questions. Just in case, he didn’t want there to be any questions about him affecting the outcome. As Hanover continued to pepper me with questions about sources he knew I’d never read, though, I noticed Thad’s jaw starting to tense up. Thad kept glancing at Hanover with a strange look on his face. Hanover ignored him, continuing to make me look like a fool. Halfway through, I knew it was no use. From the committee’s perspective, I looked like I deserved to fail my defense.

  My heart hurt as I left the room, waiting on the final decision, but knowing already what it would be. He’d played his game brilliantly because now he had witnesses to my presumed incompetence. I would look even worse filing a grievance now.

  Dr. Hanover finally came out, sneering. “Well, Ms. Elliott, unfortunately, it appears that you have failed. The committee members voted four-to-one to fail you because you were unprepared and unfocused. Only Dr. Reeding voted in your favor. Wonder why??” He laughed derisively. Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. “Perhaps if you’d properly cooperated yesterday, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.”

  I met his gaze and held my chin up. I was about to tell him that I’d fight him to the end, but then I remembered his threat about telling anyone. It’d buy me some time, at least, if he didn’t know my intentions yet. I said nothing. I just turned and walked away.

  I spent the next three hours avoiding Thad’s texts asking me what the hell happened in there. I left my apartment, afraid he’d show up demanding to talk. I spent the time at a nearby coffee shop filling out sexual harassment grievance papers instead. My heart sank when I read which department oversees complaint filings – Human Resources. Of course.

  After I finished filling out the paperwork, I headed to the Human Resources office to file it. I prayed in my heart I wouldn’t see Gina, or that she would even be aware of my grievance. It’s a huge university, right? Surely the Director of HR had better things to do than come across grievances filed by grad students.

  I handed the papers to the secretary and she smiled kindly, looking it over. She asked me to wait as she assigned a case number to it. I stood there as she filled out some form and attached it to the complaint.

  “Thank you, ma’am,” she said. “Someone from your Dean’s office will be in touch within twenty-four hours, okay?”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  I turned and began walking out the door. I stepped just outside the HR office when I saw her from afar – Gina. She was walking my way. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. It was too late, anyway. She clearly saw me walking out of her office.

  As quickly as my feet would take me without actually running, I turned and sped the opposite direction, all the while knowing that she’d put two-and-two together. She’d ask her secretary why I was there and she’d see the complaint – and then she’d know that I was a graduate student. It wouldn’t take much detective work to then figure out who was on my committee and the truth about my relationship with Thad would be exposed. She’d seen me in his t-shirt inside his house, for fuck’s sake.

  My heart sank. Everyone would know. I didn’t even really care what would happen to me or my career anymore. I was more worried about what would happen to Thad…..

  Thad! I had to find him. I had to warn him. He needed to know.

  The ten-minute running trip across campus was torture. I couldn’t get there fast enough. I rushed into the building and into the elevator. It was the slowest elevator in the world, especially when you needed to get somewhere quickly. I felt like I was in my own slow-motion movie scene and all I wanted to do was push the “fast-forward” button.

  When I finally reached the psychology floor, I stepped off. I ran to his office, only to find his door open and lights on. His coat was still on the back of his chair, so he was there somewhere. Weird, I thought. He usually shuts the door if he goes somewhere. Where was he? I went around the floor, peeking in open spaces and offices, even yelling softly into the men’s bathroom (it was empty), but there was no sign of him at all.

  I texted Grant to see if he knew where Thad was and he didn’t text me back, so I headed downstairs to the political science floor to see if I could find Grant there. I bolted down the stairs instead of waiting on the slow-ass elevator. When I opened the stairwell door, I heard yelling. Screaming. Thad’s voice.……

  You know that moment in the movie when there’s a big fight scene? Every action flick seems to have an elaborate, choreographed fight scene to appease the audience’s tastes. In real life, fight scenes aren’t choreographed and they aren’t pretty. They’re raw and clumsy – and ugly.

  As I turned the corner, still running, I heard Thad scream, “You lying motherfucker! What did you do to her?!!”

  I ran down the hall as fast I could toward Hanover’s office, tears streaming down my face. Hanover was lying on the floor of his office, with his hands over his nose, blood everywhere. Thad hovered over him, while Grant’s advisor, Dr. Bowles, and Grant tried to hold Thad back. The storm was raging in Thad’s eyes.

  I had to stop Thad. I had to keep him from doing something we’d both regret later.

  “Thad, don’t! Don’t!” I ran up until I was standing in front of him, putting myself in between him and Dr. Hanover.

  “Please, Thad, don’t. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it,” I begged.

  Grant and Dr. Bowles were barely able to hold him back. His eyes met mine and I could see the violent anguish in them. I had to reach him somehow.

  I stepped closer, putting my hands on his chest. “Please, Pickup Grinner…Please. Don’t. For me….” I said low.

  His chest heaved and I heard him take a deep breath. After what seemed like an eternity to me, he nodded his head, a silent acquiescence. I had reached him. He muttered to the guys, “I’m good….I’m good.”

  They looked at me and I nodded. They let him go.

  He grabbed me and hugged me tightly, not even caring that there were people around. “Are you okay, Shay?” he asked. I nodded again, too tormented to speak. He pulled back from the embrace to look past me to Hanover, who was still lying on the ground, holding his bleeding nose.

  Thad’s voice was calmer this time, though still full of malice. “Don’t ever come near her again, do you understand me?”

  Hanover nodded, blood still streaming down his hands onto his dress shirt.

  As we turned around, I noticed that everyone had come out of their offices to see what was going on. I was still crying heavily. Thad’s arm was around my waist as he led me down the hall. Grant came over and gave me a hug as we left. Everyone else just stared. It was just like one of those scenes in the movies where the heroine becomes the pariah, enduring the judgment of those surrounding her. They didn’t have to say it; I saw it in their eyes. I was the whore who caused this mayhem. Looks of disdain, and some of strange pity, seemed to permeate the hall. I was Hester Prynne and this was my scarlet letter. In the movies, the banished heroines always seem stoic and dignified in their pariah status. I just felt low and ashamed, even though I knew I’d done nothing wrong.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Thad never said a word as he drove us to his place. His jaw was set in its usual angry position and I was too stunned to initiate conversation. When we stepped inside his house, he finally spoke. His tone was on
e of channeled anger, as if it were being held inside, ready to release its fury at any moment.

  “She called me. That’s how I knew. She called me as soon as you left her office. She’d read your complaint. She figured it all out immediately. She couldn’t wait to threaten me with it. She couldn’t wait to throw it in my face that she’d ruin us both…..” He ran his hands through his hair and blew out a deep breath. “What she didn’t realize is that I didn’t know what she was talking about with the complaint…So while she was trying to gloat about exposing our relationship, I just kept hearing the words, ‘Shay’s sexual harassment complaint against Dr. Hanover…’ That’s all I heard…” He chewed on his bottom lip and shook his head, the rage building up inside him again. He paced over to the couch and sat down, looking straight ahead, as if talking to the air. I remained standing by the door, taking it all in.

  “And then, it hit me. I realized why you failed. I realized what he’d done. I don’t even know if she was still talking. I slammed down the phone and ran downstairs to his office. Grant must’ve been meeting with Bowles next door because they were over there as soon as I punched him, holding me back…..” He voice trailed off as he paused. “….but what I can’t understand, Shay…..what I can’t fucking understand….. is why you didn’t tell me.…” He glanced up at me with a tortured look in his eyes.

  I walked over and sat down beside him on the couch. I kept my eyes on the floor, hoping I could find the words to explain it to him. “It’d been going on for a while. I always brushed it off as best I could. He threatened me directly last night. He’d seen us sneaking in the hallway at Moe’s….said he wanted me to ‘do something for him’, too….I wanted to tell you, Thad. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn’t. I knew you’d do exactly this – you’d get angry and try to hurt him and then you’d get in trouble. I was trying to save you. I was trying to save us….”

  He looked over at me and I finally met his eyes. “Am I that predictable, Shay?”

  I gave him a half-grin. “Well, maybe when it comes to something I know is gonna set you off….”

  He nodded. Still searching my eyes, a serious look washed over his chiseled face. “I’ll never be like Atticus, Shay. I’m not built like that. I won’t just wipe the spit off. I’ll always punch the Ewells of the world….”

  “I know that. It’s part of who you are…..and I love that part of you, too.” I did. I loved all of him. I was sure of that. What I wasn’t so sure of, though, was how long I could control the aftermath. Would I always be able to save him from himself? Was I strong enough for that?

  He seemed worn down and defeated. “I have no idea what’s going to happen to you, Shay. Gina made it clear she was reporting us to the Dean. I’m sure the Dean already knows.” He bristled and I could tell he was starting to get angry again.

  I shrugged. “I know. I knew it as soon as she saw me coming out of the office….but the truth is, I knew all along what the risks were and I still chose to be with you….and I’d do it again and again….and again…” I whispered the last part as I put my hands on his face and brought his mouth to my own. We began to kiss slowly, sensually – feathery touches of lips upon lips. He traced soft kisses across the sensitive spot on my neck and I moaned quietly as the feelings washed through me.

  My moan seemed to stir something in him. He groaned, forcefully biting into my neck and sucking the skin between his sensuous lips. I winced just a little, recognizing that fine line between pleasure and pain. I also knew I’d have to wear a turtleneck or scarf tomorrow. He was marking me as his own, possessing me with his pent up anger. He grabbed at my shirt, trying to pull it up impulsively and I reached to help him lift it over my head. Yanking my bra down below my breasts, he bent over and gripped an exposed nipple with his teeth. He bit down wildly, evoking a scream of surprise from me. He was still out of control, raging inside.

  He stilled, as if waking from a trance. “Oh god. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

  You know how in the movies when the heroine realizes something profound about the hero? When she suddenly “gets” him and understands what he needs? I realized at that moment that Thad needed to channel his rage through me, through us, through our physical union.

  “I’m fine….” I hesitated for a split-second, aware of what I was about to ask…then blurted, “You can’t hold all of your anger inside you forever. You need an outlet. Use me to channel your rage….”

  He looked up into my eyes. A sudden understanding of what I was proposing flashed across his face. He shook his head. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea….”

  “I know you’re not going to hurt me, Pickup Grinner. I trust you…” I used the same words he’d once told me.

  For the first time that day, he finally smiled faintly. “Okay, but if it gets too much, I want you to tell me…..Promise?”

  “I promise,” I whispered. I put on a brave face, but I wasn’t really sure if he’d be too rough. I had no idea, honestly, but I felt this was something we had to overcome for our future.

  I smiled seductively at him and began walking toward the bedroom, removing my clothes along the way. He followed behind, doing the same. I knew he was scared to try this, scared to see how far he could go while angry, so I knew he’d never make that first move. I crawled upon the bed on all fours and looked behind me. “Now, are you going to fuck me or what?”

  Still he hesitated. He tentatively moved behind me, his hard dick at my entry. I bucked my ass backward toward him. Finally, he gave in, thrusting into me. I screamed at the sensation of him filling me. I gripped the sheets with my fists as my body slowly adjusted to him. He started out slowly, allowing the friction to get me wetter. Then, he began moving his hips more purposefully, speeding up with each movement. I could hear his breaths becoming more pronounced, more rhythmic, as his thighs started to make a slapping sound against my skin.

  I could tell he was holding back. He was still trying to remain in control, to restrain his rage. I looked back at him over my shoulder and said, “That all you got? I thought you were gonna fuck me.….”

  I saw the challenge ignite in his eyes. He grabbed my ponytail and wrapped it around his fist, pulling back forcefully to expose my neck. Then, using my hair as a grip, he flexed his hips and slammed into me. The sensation of my neck, covered in sweat, hitting the open air brought me closer to the edge. I felt my orgasm looming, so I tried to focus on the feel of him inside me.

  Pounding. In and out. In and out. In and out.

  I was screaming out in pleasure and he was screaming out in an angry rage.

  Furious pounding.

  Pulling my hair tighter into his fist, I heard his voice, low and deep, “Is this hard enough for you, Shay?”

  “Yes…” I moaned loudly.

  Reckless pounding.

  “Do you like it when I fuck you hard?”

  “Y…Yes,” I stammered.

  Chaotic pounding.

  “Do you like it when I pull on your ponytail?”

  “God, yes….” I screamed.

  Animalistic pounding.

  “Good, ‘cause I’ve always wanted to grip it while fucking you from behind.”

  Oh fuck me. His words were dirtier than usual, grittier than usual. I liked it. A lot.

  Then he did something he’d never done before. He slapped my ass – hard. The initial sting surprised me, but after the burn had subsided, a pulsing tingle from where his hand had been finally reached the sensory part of my brain. My body responded by coming hard and deep, wave after wave of pleasure as the friction continued.

  Feeling my walls gripping around him, he pulled back on my ponytail again and pumped into me with unrestrained, violent thrusts. His low moan transformed into a piercing, primal scream as he came inside me with one final thrust.

  He collapsed on top of me, breathing frantically, gasping for air. After a few moments, I flexed my body upward and he lifted so that I could move out to lie beside him. I rubbed the tight muscles of his back as he t
ried to calm his breathing. When he finally calmed, he lifted his face from the pillow and turned toward me. His voice cracked with emotion. “God, I love you so much……” He leaned in to kiss me softly, breathing against my mouth, “Thank you…..”

  I knew why he was thanking me. I’d known what he’d needed. Would I always know? Would I always be able to calm him?

  We held each other, limbs over limbs, and finally succumbed to a deep, restful sleep.

  ***************

  The next day, I received a letter from the Dean’s Office acknowledging the filing of the complaint. The letter stated that I was to meet with the Dean that Friday afternoon…..and then Thad called and said he’d gotten a letter to come to the meeting, too….

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Friday arrived before we knew it. Thad and I just went to the meeting together. Why pretend anymore? We assumed the worst. He’d punched a fellow professor and I’d been cast as the campus slut siren. Dean Sullivan wasn’t exactly known for her sympathy toward unprofessional behavior. She exuded a no-nonsense demeanor – always. It was sure to be a disaster. Plus, I remembered my dad saying once that employers always give bad news on Friday afternoon. It’s a more controllable environment – less time for emotional outbursts. The weekend served to cool tempers.

  I’d already started thinking of other careers I could pursue.

  Dean Sullivan looked up from her desk as we entered. She was stone-faced and hard to read. “Ms. Elliott, Dr. Reeding. Please, have a seat.”

  Thad and I sat in chairs across from her desk. Thad clenched his jaw and stared at the floor. I tried to look as remorseful as possible.

  Dean Sullivan cleared her throat. “I’ve been hearing a lot about you two lately….”

  I blushed. Thad continued staring at the floor.

  She paused thoughtfully. “First, there’s this letter of resignation I received from you yesterday, Dr. Reeding.”