"As it is now descending upon Roderick. The bastard willnae be able to find a hole dark enough or deep enough to hide in."
"Nay. It willnae be long now e'er it is over. I but pray nothing bad happens to us or any of the ones aiding us."
"Ah, there ye are,” said Gillyanne as she peered into the room, then hurried over to them. “Payton wants ye to join him in his ledger room, Kirstie."
"Weel, at least I can be fair sure I am nay about to be lectured again,” Kirstie said and smiled when Gillyanne laughed.
"And he wants to see ye as weel, Callum,” Gilly said.
Callum frowned. “He wants me to meet some of his kinsmen? Me alone, I mean?"
"Aye. Some of the MacMillans.” Gillyanne cast a quick, telling look at Kirstie, then hugged Callum. “Ah, that is good, my braw laddie. Fight those dark, ugly feelings. Dinnae let that bastard steal away the joy of a friend's touch or a truly loving embrace. If ye turn from such things, ye will ne'er feel aught but the cold.” She straightened up, smiled at everyone, and headed out the door. “Dinnae be too long. Why dinnae ye come with me, Michael."
As soon as she and Michael were gone, Callum looked at Kirstie. “She is always doing that."
"Doing what?” asked Kirstie as she nudged him toward the door.
"Hugging me and saying those odd things. ‘Tis as if she can see right into a person's heart. I ken there are bad feelings inside me, but I keep them there. I hide them, ye ken, because I dinnae like them."
"But, Lady Gillyanne can see them?"
"Aye, and she kens I want them gone. Do ye think she is a witch?"
"Och, nay,” she said as they made their way down the narrow stone stairs. “She just, weel, kens things, kens a person's feelings. Nay all of them and nay all the time. Does it trouble ye? Do ye wish me to speak to her?"
"Nay. Weel, it does trouble me a wee bit, but I think that may be good for me. I dinnae like these feelings, but I am nay getting rid of them, am I? Just hiding them. When she says those things, I think on them for a wee while, and I think some of the bad feelings are getting weaker.” He shrugged. “Mayhap ‘tis just because she sees them and talks about them."
"Sometimes looking straight at such feelings and having someone who understands, someone ye can speak to, can help. And, mayhap she does it so that, when she has to go home, ye will be able to work on making those bad feelings go away all by yourself.” She gently stroked his soft, bright hair as they paused before the heavy door to Payton's ledger room. “Ye havenae been free and safe for verra long, Callum. Wounds take time to heal, and a heart's wounds can take the longest. And, the sad thing is that ye will mostly have to heal yourself. People who care about ye can help if ye let them, and I think ye ken that ye now have a lot of people who care about ye. Aye?” She smiled when he nodded. “Good. When those dark feelings try to take hold, ye remember that. Always remember that."
"I will."
"Trust me, kenning that, believing that truth, is the best medicine. Now, best we see what his grand lairdship wants.” She smiled again when he laughed and they walked into Payton's ledger room.
A gasp caught her attention even as she shut the door behind them. A tall, handsome, auburn-haired man was very pale. He clutched the back of a chair as if he needed the support to remain standing. She glanced at the other two guests with Payton and Ian, quickly recognized the boy as the one she had mistaken for Callum, and recalled Payton saying he was his cousin Uven. They truly did look almost exactly alike. The other man in the room was also handsome, slightly older than the other two, and his hair was a much darker red. He wavered between concern for the man who looked so pale and a delight which appeared whenever he looked at Callum.
Kirstie felt a slight twitch at her skirts and looked at Callum. He was pale and he was staring at the boy Uven as if he had seen a ghost, a look Uven was returning in kind. She realized he was clasping her skirts in one hand so she reached down to take that hand in hers. Callum clutched her hand, holding on tightly even as Payton walked over to them and led them to a seat.
"Gentlemen, this is Lady Kirstie MacIye and this handsome boy is Callum,” said Payton as he poured the pale man a large tankard of wine. “Kirstie, Callum, allow me to introduce Sir Bryan MacMillan, Uven MacMillan, and Sir Euan MacMillan.” Each one bowed slightly as his name was said; then Payton crouched by Callum, who sat hard up against Kirstie. “Do ye see it, lad?"
"Uven looks like me,” Callum said. “He isnae my brother, is he?"
"Nay, but I strongly suspect he is your cousin.” As he rose to his feet, Payton looked at Sir Euan. “Is he?"
Sir Euan nodded, took a long drink of wine, and sank down into the seat he had been clinging to. “Aye, he is.” He looked at Payton. “When I was told about the boy, all the facts I sought were right. The right mother, the right town, the right time, the right name. Bryan added to it all by discovering I had been lied to, that the woman and child hadnae died upon a childbed. Yet, it was difficult to believe.” He looked at Callum. “But, Jesu, he is Innes to the bone."
"Who was Innes?” asked Callum, curiosity easing his fear enough for him to speak calmly and clearly.
"Your father,” replied Sir Euan. “Your mother was—"
"Joan, the swineherd's youngest daughter.” Callum shrugged when Kirstie and Payton both stared at him in surprise. “I always kenned who my mither was, but she died when I was three, near four, years old."
"I was told she died bearing a child, taking that child to the grave with her."
"Nay. She got a fever and went to her father's house. Thinking she was dying, she wanted him to care for me, but he spit on us. Told us he wouldnae waste the slop he fed his pigs on such a whore and her bastard. He tossed us off his wee scrap of land and my mither was near dead by the time we reached her sister's home. She didnae want us, either. I remember my mither saying she might shame her sister into caring for me if she died right on her hearthstone. She did. It didnae. When the cart took my mither's body away, I followed it, and I marked where she was buried so I could find her place again."
"And then what did ye do?"
"Lived about the town for a wee while. Then, when I was about seven, I was taken to Thanescarr."
"So, ye ken what your birthday is?"
"Aye. The fifteenth day of May, 1455. Mither told me it was exactly a week before old Father James died. I was the last bairn he christened. It helped me remember because I just had to ask someone how long ago it was that Father James died."
"That, too, fits. The swineherd told me ye and your mother were dead. I didnae like the look of the mon, but I couldnae think of any reason why he should lie to me. ‘Twas Bryan who tracked down the sister and finally got the truth. They just left ye in the streets?"
Callum nodded. “They didnae want a bastard. So, ye ken who my father was?"
"Aye. Sir Innes MacMillan. He came home at summer's end twelve years ago, intending to tell his father about a lass he meant to have to wife. Sadly, he was attacked by thieves and left for dead. He dragged himself home, but ‘twas clear to all that he was dying. Fevered though he was, he struggled to tell us about your mother. I swore I would find her and be certain she was cared for. That gave him peace, but it proved a promise I couldnae keep. Winter set in hard and ‘twas nearly a year ere I could set out to find Innes's Joan. It was a hard blow to hear that she had died, e'en harder to ken that Innes's child had died with her. Innes was the only surviving child of Sir Gavin MacMillan of Whyte mont and the mon was heartbroken when I had to bring him the news. But, now, I can tell him Innes's child lives, that Innes left a son."
"A bastard."
"Ah, nay. ‘Twas a handfast marriage, true, but ye were born within the year. I have papers, ye ken. A witnessed handfast agreement, and now proof of when ye were born and christened. Nay, it may nay be as good as a priest-blessed marriage to some, but ye arenae a bastard. And, it wouldnae matter if ye were. Sir Gavin certainly wouldnae care."
"Are ye saying ye wish him
to go to Whytemont, to Sir Gavin?” asked Payton.
"Weel, aye. He is Sir Gavin's heir,” replied Sir Euan.
Payton looked at Callum and saw the fear, the uncertainty, in the boy's eyes. “What do ye say, Callum?"
"I,” he began, and looked from Payton to Kirstie and back again, “but, there are bad things about me, there are—"
"Nay, lad,” said Sir Euan. “There are bad things about Sir Roderick, nay about ye. Ye were a child, a child with no one to stand for him, may God forgive us. And, though ye may take insult o'er this, the truth is that ye are still a child. Dinnae let what happened hold ye back from reaching out for what is rightfully yours. I ken the tale, as does Sir Bryan, and so will Sir Gavin, but we will tell no one else if that is how ye wish it. The word about Sir Roderick has spread far and wide already, however, so I cannae promise it will all remain some great secret. Few things do."
Callum nodded. “I ken it, It doesnae matter so verra much, nay if it puts an end to that mon."
"And we dinnae need to go now. I wish to see the end of this, as weel. So, ye have time to think on it. If ye are still uneasy later, then Sir Gavin would be more than willing to come here. Ye can take it as slowly as ye wish."
Kirstie felt Callum immediately relax. She was so happy for the boy, she felt like crying. He was unsure now, undoubtedly afraid of being taken from the odd family that had developed in Payton's home, but he would soon accept his good fortune. He just needed time and she was pleased that the MacMillans understood that. When she caught him studying Uven as hard as that boy was studying him, she felt even more hopeful.
"So, ye are my cousin?” he asked Uven.
"Aye. My grandmither and yours were sisters,” Uven replied. “I think that is why we look so much alike.” Uven moved closer. “Where did ye get that big knife?"
"I got this one when I first came here.” Callum pulled a knife from his right sleeve. “Ian gave me this one.” He pulled a knife from his right boot. “Payton gave me this one. This one in my left boot is from Wee Alice, Ian's wife. Malkie gave me the one in my left sleeve. And, see this one strapped inside my shirt? Donald gave me that one. And look at this one on this side with the sheath inside the waist of my breeches. Angus gave me that one."
"Can ye use them?” asked Uven, the challenge clear in his voice.
"Aye. I can show ye, if ye like.” Callum stood up, then frowned and looked at the men. “Oh."
"Go on, lads.” Ian stood up and started to herd the two boys toward the door. “I will come along to keep an eye on things, aye?"
Callum stopped just as Ian opened the door and looked back at Sir Euan. “I would have to live with him, aye?"
"Aye,” replied Sir Euan. “That doesnae mean ye cannae go where ye wish when ye wish, however."
"I will think on that, too, then.” Callum looked at Uven. “Come on, then. Mayhap we can find that big-nosed boy, too."
The moment the door shut behind Ian and the two boys, Kirstie looked at Payton. “Ye gave him a knife?"
Payton shrugged. “I didnae ken he had so many."
"It seems I am the only one who hasnae given him a knife. And, big-nosed boy? He is still calling Simon names, isnae he?"
"Ah, weel, he isnae calling him a traitor or a coward anymore.” He almost smiled when she groaned. “Leave it be for now, love. Simon and Callum are evenly matched in size and strength, but Simon is a year or more older than Callum. I think they are, weel, testing each other to see who will be the head of the pack."
Kirstie rolled her eyes, then grew serious again as she looked at Sir Euan. “I ken ye were hoping Callum would just come along with ye,” she began.
"Aye, I was,” he said, smiling faintly, “but I am nay surprised by his hesitation. It may not look a proper family to others, but to Callum, this is his family, here with ye and the other children. The moment Bryan told me what the boy had endured, and e'en he didnae ken it all, I understood that there may be a problem or two."
"There are two things that are important to Callum. He needs to feel safe and he needs to ken that he is accepted, that what happened to him hasnae left him unacceptable, e'en unclean."
"He will soon come to understand that none who matter amongst the family would e'er fault him for what happened to him, just as most reasonable men wouldnae fault or turn from a woman who was sorely abused against her will. In truth, ‘tis nay what others might think or believe which matters, but what Callum comes to believe about himself."
Payton nodded. “Exactly. We have been working on that. He needs to gain pride in what he can do, pride in who he is. I think, as he comes to ken the MacMillans, starts to accept and believe he truly is one, that will help. ‘Tis nay just what that bastard did to the boy, but what his mother's family did, what this whole town did, that has left the boy with the feeling of being unwanted, undeserving. Ye can hear it occasionally in certain things he says. I believe his mother loved him dearly, for he seems to be able to accept the validity of a motherly sort of affection."
Sir Bryan nodded, then sighed. “'Tis astonishing that he can accept any affection at all. I always thought a very young child had the blessing of forgetfulness, yet, sadly, Callum recalls verra clearly what happened when his mother was dying, though he was verra young. And, hearing how he was forced to live upon the streets at such a tender age.” He shook his head. “The most difficult part of that was the realization that I rarely heed the plight of the wee ones who appear so ragged and uncared for. I live here, yet not once can I recall seeing that boy. For all I ken, he was one I tossed a coin to at some time."
"Weel, since ye are feeling so guilty, and, as ye say, ye live here, there is this place which calls itself a home for foundlings and orphans—"
As Payton began to stir his cousin's outrage over the plight of the children in the Darrochs’ care, Kirstie quietly excused herself. She was just stepping into the hall when Sir Euan joined her and quietly shut the door behind them. The man looked so serious, Kirstie began to feel a little nervous. In her experience, such a solemn look upon a man's face often meant he was about to give her bad news or say something he knew she would not like.
"I wished a private word with ye about Callum,” he said.
"He is a good lad,” she said.
"A verra good lad. Far better than I had hoped for. Innes would be proud."
"And exactly what is your part in all of this? Ye are verra involved in it all. Are ye close kin to him?"
"Just a cousin, but Innes and I were as close as brothers. He was the truest of friends and I still miss him. Despite his wounds, his hard life, and all else that is so verra different from Innes and his life, I can see a great deal of my friend in the boy.” He smiled faintly. “'Twill be an honor to help Sir Gavin in the raising of him. The mon will love the boy, m'lady. Ye need ne'er worry on that. And nay as some ghost of his lost son, but as the boy he is. Of course, he is also the continuation of that small branch of the MacMillan clan."
Kirstie smiled and nodded. “A heritage can only help Callum gain that pride that ne'er should have been stolen from him."
"Aye. And I do realize all that has happened to the lad cannae be ignored or forgotten for it has shaped him, and will probably continue to do so. What I wished was a few moments of your time so that ye could tell me about the boy. I think it would help if I learned as much as possible, for it would be too easy to step wrongly, to cause an unintentional hurt, or misjudge something he says or does."
"A verra good idea.” She linked her arm with his. “Come to the gardens with me. There is a pleasant spot there. ‘Tis private, and, e'en better, ‘tis near impossible for anyone to creep up and listen unseen."
Payton frowned as he approached the couple sitting so close together on the stone bench. He had heard their laughter as he had approached, could now see their ease with each other. They looked very good together. So good that Payton felt an overwhelming urge to pound Sir Euan MacMillan into the mud until he was not quite so cursed handsome any lon
ger.
Jealousy, he thought, and was so startled he stopped too abruptly and nearly stumbled. He was jealous, blindingly so. He did not like seeing Kirstie so close to or so at ease with another man. She was his. Payton did not think there had ever been a time in his life when he had felt such a primal, fierce possessiveness over a woman. He had rarely practiced fidelity except out of convenience, and had never expected it of the women he had bedded. Yet, the mere thought of another man touching Kirstie had him clenching his hand on the hilt of his sword.
He took several slow, deep breaths to subdue this new and fascinating emotion. Neither Kirstie nor Euan was doing anything to warrant it and he did not wish to insult either of them. Payton slowly started toward them again. He would, however, make it as clear as possible to Sir Euan that this lass was taken.
Kirstie smiled at Payton as he stepped up to her. She blushed a little when he idly stroked her braid, but was beginning to become accustomed to the way he seemed inclined to touch her all the time, even when they were not private. The brief look of knowing amusement that crossed Sir Euan's face troubled her a little. It was evident that Payton's actions told the man they were lovers. She quickly shrugged off that embarrassment when the man smiled at her with the same easy and open friendliness he had before. Kirstie did wonder why it felt as if Payton had just clenched his hand tightly over her braid, but the feeling passed so quickly, she decided to ignore it.
"I thank ye for telling me so much about Callum,” said Sir Euan as he lifted her hand to his mouth and lightly kissed the back of it. “I will be sure to tell Sir Gavin all ye have told me ere he meets the boy."
"We decided it would probably be best if Sir Gavin came here to meet Callum,” Kirstie said, frowning a little when Payton took her hand in his and idly rubbed his thumb over the place Sir Euan had kissed. That that action seemed to cause Sir Euan a great deal of silent amusement stirred her curiosity, but she forced it aside, for Callum's needs were far more important. “I was hoping that would be acceptable to ye, Payton."
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