I worked until the early hours of the morning. Most of the drawings ended up in the bin but I carried on as I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I got everything out of my system. By two thirty, I felt wasted. I’d done it. Four caricatures of the four new faces were beginning to take shape. Four caricatures that no one would ever get to see.
DAD TURNED UP the following week. On Wednesday, to be precise. I was in the art room after school when Jade phoned to let me know that he’d arrived. I’d been working on the cartoons I’d started on Sunday night as even though I knew I couldn’t send them in, I could still use them for my portfolio. I’d had a breakthrough on the one for Alistair and drawn and redrawn it. Seeing as he’s an actor, I’d depicted him as a Hamlet-type character with a puffed out chest and skinny legs in a pair of tights and a very big handsome head grinning widely with gleaming Hollywood style teeth. He looked as cocky and debonair as he was in life. I knew he’d hate it but it was better than my previous bland attempts which flattered him. The ones for Otis and Amanda didn’t look half bad either. Otis on a stage with a huge shadow looming behind him, his features exaggerated to make him look like a sinister insect. And Amanda, I’d drawn as an angel dressed in a choir outfit in a church stained glass window. She looked exuberant, her face turned up, arms raised, singing her heart out and cracking all the glass in the window.
As soon as I’d taken the call from Jade, I packed up fast and set off for home. On my way back, I felt angry with Dad. Why had he come midweek when he knew Jade and I were at school? The whole purpose of asking him down was so that we could spend some time with him but there was no way I could bunk off school.
Jade was sitting out on the front porch when I got home. She was all hunched over, staring out at the bay and didn’t notice when I approached.
‘Where is he?’ I asked.
She jerked her thumb back towards inside the house. ‘Talking to Mum in the kitchen. He wanted a few minutes with her, then he wants to talk to us.’
‘And where’s Gran?’
‘Made herself scarce when Dad arrived. Said she might have to punch him if she’d stayed.’
‘What are they talking about?’
Jade shrugged.
The front door was open so I tiptoed inside and stood in the alcove. I could hear voices coming from the kitchen so I crept a bit closer and listened.
‘Do you want to tell them or should I?’ asked Dad.
There was a pause before Mum spoke. ‘Neil,’ she said in a cold, even voice, ‘this is entirely between you and Jade and Mac. You’ve got a cheek even suggesting that I tell them. Don’t be such a coward . . . but then you always were, weren’t you? Any bad news and you always left it up to me.’
‘I wouldn’t call it bad news,’ said Dad. ‘And I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m sorry . . .’
‘OK, sorry too, wrong word. Not bad news, difficult news. They’ve had a lot of readjustments to make, a lot, and now you’re asking them to take this on board as well. It’s typical you would ask me to do it but you made your bed, you have to lie in it.’
Whatever they were talking about, it didn’t seem to be going well, I thought as any fantasy I had about them getting back together flew out the window fast. I had a good idea of what Dad wanted to say to Jade and I. And it wasn’t that he wanted to get back with Mum.
‘I know, I know,’ said Dad. ‘I’ll do it. And . . . I’d like to say that I think you’ve done a fantastic job with them. You’ve provided much more of a stable influence than I ever could have, although things are picking up . . .’
‘Well, they’re good kids, both of them, but really, Neil, you have to do this yourself. Honestly, it’s so typical of you to try and worm your way out of it. That was half of the trouble with us. You would never take any responsibility . . .’
‘Please, Sarah. Don’t start. I didn’t come down here to argue and rake over old ground.’
I didn’t want to hear any more. I coughed so that they’d realise that I was there.
‘Mac? Is that you?’ asked Mum.
‘Yeah,’ I said as I stepped forward. ‘Hi, Dad.’
‘Mac! Hi,’ said Dad.
‘So what is it you wanted to say to us?’ I asked.
Dad glanced over at Mum. She got up and went to the door as I put my portfolio down and sat at the table.
‘I’ll go and fetch Jade,’ said Mum and went out into the hall.
Dad and I sat in an awkward silence as we waited for Jade. I knew exactly what he was going to say but I wasn’t going to do it for him.
‘Can I see your work?’ asked Dad, pointing at my portfolio.
‘Nothing to see, really.’
‘Oh, come on. I’d love to see what you’ve been up to,’ said Dad getting up and putting my portfolio on the table. Part of me longed to show him all my work and see what he thought as a fellow artist. Another part of me didn’t want to get all matey over it like we used to as our art was the one common area we had that was guaranteed to get us talking. He flicked through and I could tell by his face that he liked what he saw. He laughed out loud at the one of the three witches of Anderton but I kept my face straight. I wasn’t going to make it easy for him? He hadn’t bothered to try and see my work for almost a year so why should I get all enthusiastic with him? When he got to the latest drawings of the new faces, he stopped.
‘These the ones for the magazine?’
‘Were. I’m not doing it any more.’
Dad flicked through and let out a low whistle. ‘These are good, Mac. I mean really good. These are the best you’ve done so far. Why do you say you’re not doing it any more?’
‘Fell out with Roz.’
Dad smiled. ‘Ah. Hence the spider drawing. I thought I recognised her.’
I nodded.
‘What are you going to do with them?’
‘Portfolio. For college.’
‘But why not show them to Roz’s dad? You fell out with her not him.’
‘She got me the gig. She said I can forget it. We’re not even speaking now.’
‘I see. Right. Er . . . mind if I take them? All your latest stuff. I’d like to have some of your work up at the flat. To remind me of you.’
‘Not quite finished some of them.’
‘Tell you what, then. How about I take them, photocopy them then I’ll send them straight back to you?’
‘Whatever,’ I said. I knew I could have got photocopies done for him at school but I didn’t really care what happened to them any more.
Jade came through a few moments later and sat sullenly at the table. I got a feeling that she knew what Dad was going to say as well.
‘How long are you down for?’ I finally asked.
‘Just for this evening,’ said Dad. ‘I’m driving back tonight. You know how it is, got a job on for tomorrow.’
‘But Dad,’ I said, ‘why can’t you stay longer? You haven’t been down since we moved here. And why didn’t you come at a weekend when we could spend some proper time together?’
‘Yeah,’ said Jade. ‘We are your real family and I haven’t seen you for ages. At least Mac saw you when he was up in London.’
‘Only for a few hours,’ I said and I knew my tone was bitter. ‘I was told I couldn’t stay there, remember? Tamara’s sleepover that didn’t happen?’
Dad looked like he’d rather be anywhere else than in our kitchen in Cornwall and I knew that maybe I sounded like a sulky kid but I couldn’t help it. Part of me felt angry with him and I think Jade felt the same way. OK, so he’d had an affair and messed everything up with Mum but that wasn’t our fault.
‘Listen, kids . . .’he started.
‘I’m not a kid,’ said Jade. ‘I’m fifteen, in case you hadn’t noticed.’
‘OK, sorry. But please, listen. I do have some news. Well sort of. I wanted to talk it over with you first because despite what you think, I do respect your feelings and I’m sorry for all the . . . all the upset I’ve caused.’
J
ade and I glanced over at each other. Although we have many differences in our day to day life and often act like we hate each other, we both knew that we were in this together.
‘So, what is it you’re here to say?’ I asked. I wanted him to get it over with.
‘Sonia,’ he said. ‘As you know Mac, we had a bit of an . . .’
‘Argument,’ I said. ‘She wanted more of a commitment from you.’
Dad nodded. ‘And . . . I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’d like to. Make more of a commitment, that is.’
‘You mean marry her,’ I said.
Dad nodded again. ‘But first I wanted to tell you.’
‘Tell us or ask us?’ asked Jade.
‘Where’s Sonia now?’ I asked.
‘Back at the flat.’
‘Then you’ve already asked her, haven’t you?’
I knew she wouldn’t have gone back if he hadn’t offered her what she wanted. The whole reason she’d walked out on him was because he wouldn’t give her commitment. There would have been no reason for her to go back if he hadn’t.
‘Well, sort of . . . yes. I have put it to her.’
‘So why are you asking us, then? What’s the point? We don’t even figure in the equation, just like we didn’t before when you went ahead and had the affair that blew everything out of the water. Don’t remember anyone asking us then what we felt and would we mind moving house and changing school.’
I couldn’t help it. Over a year’s feelings of resentment and anger were threatening to come pouring out.
Dad sighed and looked at the floor. I glanced over at him and he looked close to tears. I felt my throat constrict and knew I was in danger of crying myself. God, this sucks, I thought.
‘Anyone want a cup of tea?’ I asked getting up and going over to the kettle. I didn’t want to break down in front of him and Jade and I really didn’t want to see him cry.
‘Yes, please,’ said Dad seeming glad of the distraction. ‘Yes, cup of tea.’
‘When?’ asked Jade.
‘Er, now,’ said Dad and attempted a smile.
Jade rolled her eyes. ‘The wedding, not the tea.’
‘Right. Um. Not got any dates as yet. Nothing definite. Look. I know it may not appear like this to you but I really do care what you two think. If you’re dead against it, I’ll put a stop to it right now. You are my kids, I mean . . . yeah, you are my kids, no disrespect meant to your ages. You’ll always be first in my book and I need to know that you’re OK about things before I go ahead and book anything like dates or venues.’
Jade sat back in her chair and looked at Dad through narrowed eyes. ‘Do you love Sonia?’ she asked.
‘Very much,’ said Dad quietly.
‘More than Mum?’ I asked.
Dad shifted uncomfortably in his chair. ‘It’s different . . .’
Jade sat back up straight and looked over at me. ‘Well, I can tell you now that I have no objection. Sonia’s OK. As long as she doesn’t try and act like she’s our mother or anything naff like that. And Tamara, well she’s a kid but I like her too. But, Dad . . . if you say that we come first then . . . I’d like to see more of you. It’s like you’ve disappeared this last year.’
‘I know,’ said Dad, ‘but things were . . . well . . . difficult between your mother and me. I didn’t want to rock the boat more than was necessary. I wanted to give you time to settle.’
And avoid any nasty scenes, I thought, as I poured boiling water into three cups. Dad’s a coward, I thought. Mum was right. And I’ve been in danger of being just like him. He’s where I’ve got it all from. Trying to please, say what people want to hear, as he said, anything not to upset the boat. But it doesn’t work. The boat gets upset anyhow and it’s better to be straight in the beginning. At least that way, everyone knows where they are and what they’re dealing with.
‘Mac?’ asked Dad.
I still had my back to him and didn’t turn around. ‘I’m not going to stand in your way,’ I said. ‘You do what you want. You probably will, anyway.’
I knew it wasn’t the response he was probably hoping for but I wasn’t going to burst into song and congratulate him either. He was the one coming out of the whole situation with what he wanted. A new wife, someone to be with whereas Mum was on her own. And we were still hundreds of miles away from London and our old life.
After he’d gone, the atmosphere in the house was quiet. It was like everyone needed time alone to digest things.
Mum took a glass of wine to the picnic table at the bottom of the garden and sat staring into the bushes. She looked not unlike how Jade had at the front when I first arrived home. Poor Mum, I thought as I watched her out of the kitchen window and wondered what was going on in her head.
She was wearing make-up for the first time in months and I noticed she’d made an effort with her hair for once. It was loose on her shoulders whereas most days now, she wore it pulled back in a clip like she couldn’t be bothered. Back in London, she used to have her hair done every week at the hairdresser’s and it always looked glossy and chic.
I got the wine out of the fridge and took it down to her.
‘Would madam care for another glass of wine?’
She looked up and smiled. ‘Actually, I would.’
I filled her glass and sat opposite her. ‘You OK?’
She nodded slowly. ‘You?’
‘Yeah. Er . . . guess you heard the news then?’
‘Yep.’
I sat and looked out over the garden with her for a while. I really wanted to say something but wasn’t sure what.
‘You look really nice today.’
Mum touched her hair. ‘Thanks. Thought I’d better make a bit of an effort.’
‘Well you look good and I’m sorry it didn’t work out.’
‘Thanks, Mac. Oh but . . . oh! You didn’t think that I’d done myself up because I wanted him back?’
‘Er . . . I . . . I did wonder.’
She leaned over and put a hand over one of mine. ‘No, Mac. I just didn’t want him to think I’d turned into an old bag who’d let herself go.’
‘No chance of that. So you’re OK about him getting remarried?’
Mum considered my question for a few moments then she nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah. I’m OK with it. Well, as OK as I ever will be. He’s moved on. I knew that. And it’s not exactly like I didn’t expect it. Good luck to him.’
‘I guess . . . but you didn’t ask for any of this.’
‘No. No I didn’t but . . . OK. Mac, let me tell you something. I guess I should have told you a long time ago but . . . things weren’t right between your dad and me for a long time before he had the affair. And although yes, I wish in some ways it hadn’t happened like that, it was on the cards. We were drifting apart. I had my work. He had . . . well, his life, his plans. I think we wanted to make it work long after it was clear that things were wrong, because of you and Jade.’
‘But why wasn’t it working?’
Mum sighed. ‘Oh . . . many reasons. We’re like chalk and cheese. I’m a doer, he’s a dreamer. I’m a talker, as you know, no trouble saying what I think. He could never express his feelings at all. It used to drive me mad. And all his plans that never came to anything. In the meantime, there were bills to be paid. I mean, I will always have fond feelings for your father, we were together too long not to, but he’s a . . . a Peter Pan. Never grew up. Living in Never-Neverland. Always a new scheme in his head, always with another dream to follow that never came to anything. I reckon it’s OK if you have no responsibilities and it used to be in the beginning when we were both young but everything changed when you and Jade came along. One of us had to grow up and in our case, it was me.’
‘Mum, can I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’
‘When you and Dad split up and the house in Islington was sold, why didn’t you buy another place up there. Smaller. We could have coped. Your catering work was going so well and I’m sure you must miss i
t and London life. So why didn’t you use money from the sale of the house to buy another one?’
‘Big house, big mortgage,’ said Mum. ‘There wasn’t actually a lot left once we’d paid the mortgage off and what there was I wanted to put away for you and Jade for when you go to college. Simple as that. If there had been enough money, believe me, we’d have stayed up there.’
As we sat together, Mum sipping her wine, for the first time I began to really think about what she had done for us. It was always her that had been up late at night doing the bills and the accounts. It was always her who organised anything in the house. Got us to school on time. Picked us up. Ferried us about. Dad may be an absent father now but when I thought back, he was then too. It was always Mum who’d been around.
As the light began to fade, I got up to go back inside.
‘Sure you’re OK, Mum?’
She nodded. ‘Just thinking how everything changes, hey?’
‘Sure does,’ I replied and set off up the garden then I turned back. ‘Mum . . . er . . . I . . . just . . . thanks for . . . I don’t know, for being there. Then and now.’
Mum smiled. ‘Anytime Mac. You’re my boy.’
I went back into the house and up to my room. I glanced out of my window at the garden and she was still sitting there. A solitary figure silhouetted in the dusk. Love hurts, I thought, no matter what age you are.
THE MELLOW MOOD that was around after Dad’s visit didn’t last long. Mum was soon back into her bionic routine ordering everyone around and Jade went back to being her usual sarky self.
True to Dad’s word, he sent my cartoons back to me with a note saying that he looked forward to seeing Jade and me at half-term and that Sonia and Tamara were pushing off for a few days so that we’d have plenty of room to stay. It was something to look forward to – I’d been feeling badly about my behaviour to him when he was here and wanted a chance to make things better between us. After talking to Mum, I understood that it wasn’t just the affair that broke them up. I couldn’t begrudge him his second chance even though it meant that Tamara got the spare room so any chance of me going up there to live was a non-starter.
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