As if he heard his name—and he certainly couldn’t miss the commotion—Señor Molinero comes running over.
“That isn’t the half of it!” Kim’s eyes are wild. “I heard you agree with your mother earlier that I am just a frivolidad, Tavo. A dalliance.”
“Wait—”
“I heard you, and you didn’t deny it.”
“She is a dalliance,” Tavo,” says my madre. I’m about to unleash my fury on her when Sonia comes running up, thankfully dressed. “Tavo! I’m so sorry!”
“Get out of here!” I yell at her.
“This is a fucking telenovela,” says Antonio, wide-eyed.
This whole disaster is in both Spanish and English, and I don’t know what Kim understands and what she doesn’t. I’m just trying to hold onto her.
Kim looks at me. “I’m keeping you from saving your family. All of these people. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you like that. And I can’t deal with all this craziness. With Sonia. With your mother. You’re up against tremendous financial pressure. Me being here makes it so that you’re going to lose this entire place. I can’t do that to you or your family.” Tears run down her face and she wipes them with the back of her hand.
Señor Molinero scratches his head.
“No, Kim! You have it all wrong! You are the opposite of a dalliance. There is no frivolidad. I was telling my mother she was wrong!”
Shane comes up, anger in his face.
Me cago en la leche.
Abuelo says, “Todo el mundo, everyone needs to calm down.” He takes his hands, palms facing toward the ground and moves them like he’s pressing down, trying to lower everyone’s voices.
It doesn’t work.
“What are you doing with Mr. Molinero?” asks Antonio.
Guillermo asks, “Why was Sonia naked in your bed?”
“I’m hurting your music career, too. Your dreams of traveling. You can’t be tied down to anyone,” Kim whispers.
My mother faces Kim. “You. You are the cause of all of this.”
I didn’t know I had another gear of anger, but I do, and I shift into it. “No she isn’t, Madre. She’s not the cause of any of this!”
But my mother says, “Go back to Iowa, Kim. You don’t belong here.”
“What?” I detonate at my mother. “Don’t talk to her like that! She’s the love of my life!”
“I want to be the love of your life,” Sonia pipes up.
Everyone turns to her. “Shut up!” I’m not sure who says it. Everyone.
Sonia takes a step back and pouts.
Kim shakes her head over and over again. “María Luisa is right. I’m ruining everything for your family. I have to leave.”
I see only Kim and her tears. I want to stop them. I want to comfort her.
“What’s going on here?” asks Shane.
“Tavo is a fucking two-timing idiot,” says Guillermo.
Mari Carmen whispers, “I don’t even know.”
Having stood in the background all this time, Shane steps forward, flexing his biceps and glaring at everyone. He walks over to Kim and tucks her under his arm. I hiss.
“She deserves better than this. You people have done enough,” Shane says. “Let’s go, Kim. I’m taking you home.”
“No,” I say, but she looks up at me sadly.
“I’m sorry, Tavo. I could never hurt you and your family the way I’m doing.”
And she steps away from him and turns to go into the house.
Shane gets between me and her and faces me. “Haven’t you done enough?”
“I love her,” I say. “I haven’t done anywhere near enough. She needs to know that. She does know that.”
His jaw ticks. “She needs to get away from this craziness. She needs to go home.”
“She doesn’t want you. She told me so.”
“I know. I’m no competition. I’m not her boyfriend. But I am her friend, and I don’t like to see her hurt. Not from all you people.”
He’s big, but I’m fast, and I race past him into the house.
Kim’s in her room, haphazardly throwing her things into her bags. Clothes. Toiletries. Laptop. Notebooks and school papers.
Opening her wallet, she pulls out some Euros and leaves them on the bed. “Pay your mom for the rest of the time I was supposed to be here.”
“No! Kim!” I say, but Shane holds me back from coming in.
“You really need to back off.”
“I’ll never back off unless I hear it from her,” I yowl.
She squeezes her eyes shut and doesn’t say anything.
“Kim. Please don’t go. We can work this out. I love you.”
My beautiful love shakes her head over and over again. “Between my hormones and all this coming out, I need space to think. I need to not be causing any more problems. I want to go.”
Panic makes me blind. Makes me stop breathing. “Go where?”
“Home,” she croaks.
With her bags in her hands, she trudges out the house and to the Fiat. Shane picks one up and follows her. And I run ahead and get between her and the car door.”
“Listen to me—”
“No. I’m done with listening to anyone else. I’ve listened to my heart, and everything is all wrong. I can’t … I need to go.”
“Kim, no. You can’t go home. We need to talk. We can fix this.” My voice breaks. “You’re breaking up with me without giving me a chance?”
“I’m not getting involved with another man who has something keeping him from being with me. I can’t do this to me.” She pauses. “And I can’t do this to you. This isn’t about you, Tavo. It’s about me needing to figure this out. I’m sorry.”
I’m breathing so hard that I’m practically hyperventilating. “Is this what you really want?”
“Yes.” She kisses me softly, her hands lingering on my scruffy face. As she gets in the car, her tears are falling. “I’m so confused, and I’m trying to listen to my heart but it’s all muddled. I need to go. I need to breathe.”
My madre comes up. “Kim needs to go.”
“No, Madre. She doesn’t. She needs to be with me always.”
“I wish I could be,” says Kim. “But she’s right. I’ve made things worse for your family by coming here. You deserve better.” She turns to my mother. “I was so happy here, and I was starting to feel like you all were becoming my family. All I want is what’s best for your son and your family. I’m sorry, María Luisa, I’ll go. Thank you for your hospitality. I’ll go now.”
“Kim,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry, Tavo, but I think this is for the best,” Kim says.
I open my mouth to say something. But what comes out is, “If this is your decision, Kim, I will abide by it.”
She nods sadly. “I can’t stand to leave you, and I’m going to miss you so much. But please just let me do something for you for a change. Your family needs you.”
Shane turns the ignition on and backs up the car then turns, leaving dust and gravel in his wake.
I turn to my mother, the fury drained out of me and now I know nothing but despair. “There goes my life and my baby driving away from me forever.”
My mothers eyes sharpen. “Your baby? As in—”
“Madre, she’s pregnant with my baby.”
Her eyes get wide, and she presses her hand to her heart. “A grandbaby? Oh my God!”
As Kim disappears out of sight, I turn to my family. I’m so broken and angry and drained and done.
“Are you happy? Are you all happy? Witnessing my heart being torn out?”
No one says anything.
Guillermo kicks the dirt under his shoe.
“Well, are you? Because that was the love of my life. The woman I was meant for. Who was meant for me. And your insanity drove her off. The decisions of my father to mortgage this land drove her off. She’s pregnant with my baby, and she’s leaving me!”
Stunned silence follows this.
Then every
one erupts, talking. I don’t know who is saying what. I don’t care. I want to get in my car and follow Kim, but the only thing keeping me away from her is her.
And if she says to stay back. I will.
In the midst of all the commotion, Mr. Molinero whistles. Everyone shuts up.
“You,” I sneer. “You’re the one who caused all of this.”
He shakes his head. “No, but I can see what happened. I will settle this here and now.”
What?
“First, what is this about me foreclosing on your property?”
My mother turns to him, a quizzical look on her face. “Sonia told me that if we did not make the balloon payment by the due date that you would foreclose.”
He jerks his head back and shakes it. Then he turns to Sonia. “My daughter, why did you tell María Luisa that?”
This is a spotlight that Sonia does not enjoy. She stares down at the ground and twists her finger in her mouth. “Because it’s true.”
“It is not true.” He addresses everyone. “I would never threaten foreclosure on your family. Our families have a partnership that goes back generations. We work with each other. Why would we want to jeopardize that?”
“But you told my mother that if I married Sonia you’d forgive the debt.”
“That’s because I thought that you and she were affectionate to each each other. She told me you liked her.” Realization dawns on his face and he turns to me. “Gustavo, I apologize. My daughter manipulated you. And me. I did not know it was a manipulation. I thought you wanted to marry her, and I thought I was doing you a favor.”
“Then why would my mother say that you were going to foreclose?”
“Because Sonia told me that,” my madre says.
“Querida, I’m so sorry,” he says to her. Then he addresses me and my siblings. “Your mother has been so tense and worried lately, but she would not tell me what for. She did not want to talk about it. Was this it?” he asks her.
She nods.
“Why did you never bring it up?”
“Because I was so scared. Sonia made me think that you would not listen to a negotiation. And our relationship felt so fragile. After all these years, finally …” She trails off.
“I apologize for my daughter. Growing up without a mother has made her spoiled. She is my princess and used to getting what she wants. But this is too much.”
“I’m not spoiled.” Sonia reaches toward her father then drops her hand.
“Sonia, why would you want to hurt this family? You did not tell me that Tavo did not want you.”
“I’m sorry, Papi.”
He faces us. “I must have mentioned it to Sonia, and she used it for her advantage. I would never call your loan. In fact, I can tear it up if you like. I will cancel it.”
My mother’s eyes widen. “You would? Why would you do that?”
“Because I am in love with you.”
Electricity zings about.
Now the attention has turned from me to my mother and Señor Molinero. “Wait, what?”
“We need to tell you something,” he says. “Long ago, your mother and I were sweethearts. Our feelings grew strong. But my parents prohibited me from seeing her. In rebellion, I dated a lot of women, and I ended up getting Sonia’s mother pregnant. While she lost that baby, the damage had been done. Your mother found your father, and married him. So meanwhile, I lived next door to my love, who was married to another. I had to watch as she gave birth to a daughter, then a son. Then another son. And finally my wife had a daughter, but my wife died in childbirth. Meanwhile, your mother had another son.”
“This is true,” says abuelo.
“I respected your father very much. I never reminded your mother of what we had. And I stayed away after he died, because I did not want to hurt her. But when she came over to talk about you and Sonia, we started reminiscing about old times. It is only recently that we reunited. And one thing lead to another, and we are in love.” He turns to her. “I wish you would have talked to me about the loan, though.”
“I did not know,” she whispers, and then she lifts her chin up. Pride through and through.
“My fault has been spoiling Sonia too much.” Sonia’s eyes fly wide open. “Without a mother, she was my only companion. She needs to pay for this.”
“¡Papi!”
“You will spend the next year working for free for the de la Guerra family. You will do all of the orchard work. You will pay for the harm that you did to our neighbors.”
“Papi, I don’t know the first thing about it,” says Sonia.
“I’ll show her around,” says Guillermo.
“She’s crazy,” I say in an undertone.
“She’s my kind of crazy.”
I shake my head in disbelief. Guess he’ll have to learn that lesson for himself.
Sonia turns to me. “Tavo, I’ve always wanted you. I wanted you to want me. When you finally paid attention to me, I thought I had you for real.”
“No, Sonia. That was a mistake.” I suppose I understand. If she feels for me anything like what I feel for Kim, those emotions can make you do crazy things.
“You’ve just never paid any attention to me.”
“Sonia, don’t do anything like this ever again. Don’t hurt my brother. Or anyone.”
“I won’t,” she says. And while I don’t want to forgive her, I do in my heart. Because I don’t want to hold her vileness inside me. She’s not worth it.
My mother gazes at me and swivels to look at each of my siblings “I loved your father very much. I still do. But Eduardo is good for me. Maybe it’s better that we’re with each other now.” And she looks at me. “I still think you and Sonia would be good for each other.”
I erupt again. “Mother! Have you seen the way she acted toward me? How can you wish that on me?”
Her eyes flash at me. She’s not backing down. Stubborn, stubborn woman.
I may be exactly like her.
Señor Molinero steps forward. “María Luisa, I want to marry you. That’s a good way of ensuring that this property remains in both of our families. And I will rip up the promissory note.”
We all take in our collective breaths. Yet again.
Abuelo steps forward. “You have my blessing, Señor Molinero. You are a good man. But keep a sturdy leash on your daughter.”
“So was that what your speech was about at our harvest dinner? The union was you and my mother,” I ask.
He nods. “Yes. I desire to marry your mother. So, María Luisa. Will you marry me?”
Tears drip down my mother’s face, and she casts her eyes up at him adoringly. She presses her hands to her heart and breathes in and out a few times.
We all wait for her to answer.
“Yes, Eduardo. Yes. And because I love you and we made mistakes when we were young and took different paths. But this, going forward, this is right.”
Nervous smiles appear on everyone’s faces, and then Antonio claps. We all begin clapping, and Señor Molinero kisses my mother then they grin at all of us.
Finally, after an eternity, everyone disburses.
I return to my casita, and while some things are fixed, my heart is not. I’m so tired and wasted, but I can’t sleep in my bed. Not without doing a ritual. So I lie on the floor, covered in a blanket that smells like Kim, but I don’t sleep. I can’t, not without her. And I hear the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces, one by one, all night long.
There’s no way I can pick up the pieces without Kim.
Twenty-Two
Kim - Coloring
Shane drives my hollow body to the Madrid airport in his rented car. I couldn’t identify where my heart is. Or my spirit. But the empty physical shell that is evidence of my existence is leaving.
What just happened?
As we drive to Madrid, my hastily-packed luggage in back, I stay awake. Unlike my arrival. The scenery is new to me, because I never saw it before, although it’s so blurry I’m missing a
lot. Because I’m tired. So tired.
I think I’ve done everything wrong.
Shane changed his ticket and got me one (thank you lucrative accounting-firm internship). And we’re headed back to Des Moines via New York.
While Shane fiddles with the radio, trying to find something to listen to and not liking any of the Spanish music, my heart hurts at all of it, because it all reminds me of Tavo. Then I remind myself I don’t have a heart. I packed it up and it’s buried in my luggage somewhere.
I don’t know who to believe. What to believe. My eyes or my heart.
“How are they going to take it?” Shane asks.
He’s talking about me leaving school, I think. Or is he talking about how his parents will take his coming out? Or how my parents will take me being pregnant?
“I don’t know,” I say, too exhausted to sort this out.
He’s got to marry her. He has to save his family.
I’ve seen him kiss her. Now I’ve seen her naked, cuffed to his bed.
But he was telling me the truth? Or was he? He was?
I don’t know.
Doing my best to be a human being who is capable of communication with another, I say, “Maybe they’ll take it better than you think.” I’m gambling on Shane talking about himself.
“My parents?” He shakes his head. “Have you ever heard them? You have to have. They hate anything having to do with homosexuals. Having me as their son?” His eyes water. “They’re going to disown me. They’re going to hate me—”
“I’ve known your parents almost as long as you have.” That earns me a little smile. “They love you. But you’re not going to be free until you tell them.”
Unlike me. I’m not ready to tell a soul.
I’m not entirely aware of how we return the car. Get our tickets. Board the plane. It happens, though, because I’m in a plane staring vacantly ahead. I can’t sleep or read or watch a movie. I’m just gone.
Mentally. Physically. Literally.
I can’t stop seeing Sonia’s naked body around Tavo.
Shane jostles me mid-flight, and I temporarily get out of vapor lock to notice that he’s found a sort of peace. He’s not fidgeting or playing on the phone. Just watching the movie.
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